Dd13 not taking care of herself

[User5643638]

NC for this as it sounds shallow and awful but I just want to know if its normal or something to worry about.

Up til age 11, DD1 was very active, slim, toned. She had beautiful long dark hair and dressed lovely. She liked treats as all kids do but ate a healthy diet and was full of energy. This carried on through the start of lockdown and I cant quite pinpoint when it changed - I assume when puberty kicked in properly.

Shes now 13 and on the verge of overweight. She eats a crazy amount of sugar - literally all her pocket money goes on sweets and cakes and chocolates, and she will come down in the early hours and eat full packs of biscuits. I cant have any snacks at all in the house or she will just inhale them (and I have 4 kids so the others would like the odd biscuit).Shes given up all her sports but one, which she used to want to do professionally and is now hanging on by a thread. I've seen her play and she is so so lazy now. She just wants to lie around looking at her phone, it's got a 2hr screen time limit but then she will just watch TV or have another nap.

She willfully dresses terribly- she likes everything hugely oversized now, which I know is to hide her boobs and hips and thats fine, I've taken her shopping to buy all that stuff, but she will wear the same dirty top over and over when her closet is full of clean ones, or wear a stretched out maternity hoody of mine instead of her nice ones. She sleeps in her clothes despite me buying her loads of nice, big baggy pjs. She's cut all her hair off and never does anything with it so it's a big bushy mess which she won't brush. Getting her to shower and especially wash her hair is a constant battle.

I KNOW none of this matters and is superficial. Shes her same clever, bubbly self to speak to and is doing great at school. But I'm worried if it's a symptom of something deeper. If she was an adult I would think shes depressed but she seems so happy in herself. Its also causing issues socially - a lot of her friends have stopped inviting her out with them (she stands out hugely in her friendship group now, not that that should matter) and the two boys she has liked this year have both rejected her. Both these things shes been sad about but hasnt changed anything. She's still absolutely beautiful, but her hair is unbrushed and her clothes often smell. Kids are shallow. She was popular and often out with friends last year and now seems to be struggling and being made fun of.

Were really close and talk about everything but whether I try to subtly discuss things or openly say no, you need to get changed there is a stain right down your jeans etc, she gets massively offended. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when it comes to anything appearance related, particularly with her weight which I've certainly never mentioned but I do think needs to be tackled. Shes not overweight yet but shes put on a huge amount of weight in 18 months and if it carries on like this she would be obese in another 18.

I've always, always said she can wear what she wants, look how she wants, be whoever she wants to be etc so I feel a complete hypocrite. But I thought she would always at least want to be clean!

If anyone has read all of this, help! I adore her and I want to help her but I cant bear the idea of offending her or making her feel judged. Or maybe all teens go through this and I need to wait for her to come out the other side??

How is her mental health op? This could just be teenager syndrome, or it could be something more. It would be worth trying to talk to her a bit more in depth as she may have some level of anxiety or depression

I teach 13 year olds and although it's common for them to make lifestyle changes such as clothing, hairstyles or hobbies I wouldn't say I've frequently seen children make such dramatic change as your post suggests your DD has. I would want to explore why this has happened beyond just a change in hormones/puberty. Perhaps seek support from school who can help with referrals for mental health services or see a GP who could rule out any medical conditions like PCOS or thyroid issue. If you have the money and means to, explore some private therapy just to see if there is a deeper reason behind all the change. I've been teaching nearly 10 years and alarm bells would ring with me if I taught your DD so as a parent you must be concerned.

It's better to take some action now than look back in another year when DD may be even less active, less healthy etc and wish you'd done something sooner. In the meantime, keep the family active so she sees it as the norm, promote positive hygiene and perhaps grab her worn clothes while she sleeps so she can't wear them again without being washed?

@iamsoreadyforbednow we talk all the time and I really can't see any signs of anxiety or depression myself, although she has been down about the social issues and people making fun of her. Part of me wonders if I should try and get her talking to a counsellor etc who could maybe tease more out of her, but how could I approach that with her without making it about her appearance or god forbid her weight

@SleepingFrog thank you, I don't go in her room as she absolutely hates anyone in there. Its absolutely filthy and chaotic in there but it's her space. I wash clothes when she brings them out, and if I'm there I don't let her out the door in smelly stuff but she will try to sneak past me.

The rest of the family is still very active and I'm not letting her give up netball - she's already stopped football and gym and won't come running with me any more. She won't come anywhere unless it involves eating while looking at her phone to be honest

Stop buying cakes and biscuits... I did. Dd's started home baking and making much better stuff! Cheese scones are the current favourite..

I think you need to take a step back and let her do what she wants, but I agree with pp, don't buy snacks to have in the house. You can't control what she spends her pocket money on though. At least she still plays netball. If you focus on the weight issue then you could trigger disordered eating as you are aware.

Could you introduce her to any other outdoor activities, like climbing or biking? Sailing or surfing if you're near the coast, windsurfing or kitesurfing if not. Tremendous fun but pretty expensive. You might just have to wait it out. She's aware she's put weight on, but lots of girls do going through puberty.

It does sound extreme but the past 18 months or so have been extreme.

Your daughter will be one of literally millions of people who have gained a lot of weight/developed poor eating habits during the pandemic.

Unfortunately, for your daughter it coincides with her being at an age where she is changing physically anyway, and getting into that teenage stuff of laziness and junk food.

I think you are right to tread delicately as 13 is such a difficult age to navigate.

She may not have insight into why she is wearing dirty or madly oversized clothes but this part does seem unusual.

Honestly I don't know the answer but maybe she needs a GP check in case she has a hormonal disorder.

And I think I would not tolerate the poor hygiene part, I would be in her room removing dirty stuff until she could demonstrate that she was managing the hygiene aspect.

I do agree on the snacks, I never buy chocolate etc but I've got 3 other kids so it's useful to have plain biscuits, crackers, cereal bars etc and she will just come down at 3am and eat the entire pack. If they're not available she will eat 2 cheese toasties, bowl after bowl of cereal etc She also does a lot of baking and then eats it all without sharing. I've tried challenges like who can drink the most water in a day (thought it might fill her up), step contests between me her and ds10 on our fitbits, and trying to eat the most portions of fruit and veg in a day but the novelty wore off pretty quick and she won't engage any more. I've approached it through the financial side and the sharing side when shes eg eaten a 4 pack of muffins that were supposed to be 1 each for a picnic the next day, but literally nothing seems to make a difference. Shes such a kind, lovely girl that the selfishness of it is Really out of character and part of why I find it worrying

I would be (very) concerned she has an eating disorder. Binge eating a whole packet of biscuits in the middle of the night is not normal behaviour. I would book a telephone app with your GP and explain the disordered eating and they will advise next steps.

I would not ignore any of this, because it may well become much worse, bulimia and anorexia as she tries to limit her eating.

You can help now by stripping out all snacks and junk food in the house, and replace with healthy snacks. You can also, at 13 limit how much opportunity she has to buy sweets. Over the Easter holiday do some exercise with her every day for fun, cycling or walking and a healthy picnic. Increase her sports and hobbies.

Baggy clothes are normal, as are friendship changes, but the eating is really a worry and should be addressed.

Sorry to add I might get her assessed as well, some of the things you describe can be ASD/ADHD in girls.

It maybe a total leap but it could be a recent sexual abuse/ unwanted sexual attention that has caused her to self neglect or subconsciously try to see 'unattractive' to future predators.

@Swayingpalmtrees we never have junk food in the house. As I mentioned, when I have no snacks like digestives etc she will eat other things, like 6 slices of bread and butter for example which is no better. She also buys huge amounts of sweets with her pocket money from her dad which I cant stop her doing (I ask her not to, encourage her to save it, come up with ideas of things she'd like to buy etc but nothing makes any impact).

I can not force her to exercise. As a family we do lots - she won't come any more. To force her to come eg trampolining would be a massive battle then her sitting on her phone in the cafe in a mood with me eating a bag of sweets - complete waste of money and damaging to our relationship. She still plays netball because I will not let her quit that too but shes already dropped all her other sports and doesnt want to do anything active. How do you force a 13 year old without making it a weight thing?

@user1461609321 she has had unwanted attention from men - shes very developed for her age and very pretty, and I do think that's where the baggy clothes come from. I hadn't considered thats where the dirty / smelly clothes are coming from too. She definitely does want attention from the boys in her class though and is finding it hard that she's no longer getting any, so I think if that's what it is then it's subconscious

I was like this at that age, I grew out of it

Honestly 12-14 have to have been the hardest years

I look back and I liken it to pregnancy and having a baby, like you don't know who you are and your body changes do much snd your hormones. It's such a hard time.

My mum used to make comments like the ones you've said to me

Just give her time and be there for her, her friends really do sound like idiots tbh

I just wanted to add, as I read your comment below, I developed quite early and I really didn't want men to look at me that way. So I wore these massive clothes trying to hide and they made me look huge

It sounds like she is developing (or has developed) an eating disorder. Don’t do any more food or exercise competitions of any kind within the family. I’d also be very concerned that she have been assaulted, or be being abused. I’m really sorry to reply in this vein, but the women and girls I’ve known with behaviours like these have universally been struggling with serious issues.

*may have been

Sorry, I’m awful for typos.

Hi, my DD13 has some of those traits. She's always hungry for sweets and carby things. I'm not too worried as I can remember older DD doing similar. I do tend to hide sweet things or put half in the cupboard and half it a secret stash to add later in the week.
I'm absolutely not going to make a fuss about it as it's such a delicate age. But she also does a lot of cake making!

Tricky one. Can you talk to her and frame it about self care? Talk about sleep, hygiene, meditation, moving your body.. not just diet and exercise but protein keeps us fuller, veg is important because X/Y/Z...

Does she go on YouTube? There's a few on there she might like, I watch a channel called Living Ash which is all shower routines, hygiene hauls (it's a big thing on YouTube!!)
I got into it as I'm nosy about products in other countries so it's a way of getting to look virtually around Target etc

Abbey Sharp on YouTube reviews people's diets but in a really constructive way and encourages people to eat more protein and how to change tiny things to keep you full

A lot of it could just be being a teenager. At that age if my mum had told me not to shower, I would have showered ten times a day and vice versa

Posted too soon!
Like exercise - I'm actually allergic to it and come out in hives all over me which itch like crazy

I don't exercise to lose weight, I do it for heart health, my mental health, because it helps me sleep better and I enjoy the exercise I choose. Climbing, aerial hoop, aerial silks, horse riding, weights... anything. But she is probably too self conscious at the minute

What you are describing sounds like an eating disorder. The other stuff is related to it I think and it’s all stemming from somewhere. The root needs finding - including what’s going on at school, what social media is being consumed etc.

Once someone becomes an overeater or loses an interest in exercise.. you just can't force them to change.

Do you think she's made the connection that the reason the boys in her class aren't interested is that her clothes are dirty and smelly? It seems so obvious to you but is there any chance it hasn't occurred to her?

When I was that age I used to get teased at school for having greasy hair. I look back and think - why didn't I just wash my hair more often? For some reason I didn't even think of that!

@CookPassBabtridge That's true to some extent, but she has a lot of neuroplasticity at her age; this is not a hopeless situation where OP's daughter is doomed to be obese and smelly for life. Interrupting these behaviours and seeking to help her (ideally with gentle support, looking into possible trauma, and maybe CBT for problem behaviours) can work wonders. Binge eating can very, very easily flip to purging, which is life threatening.

@MrOllivander

Tricky one. Can you talk to her and frame it about self care? Talk about sleep, hygiene, meditation, moving your body.. not just diet and exercise but protein keeps us fuller, veg is important because X/Y/Z...

Does she go on YouTube? There's a few on there she might like, I watch a channel called Living Ash which is all shower routines, hygiene hauls (it's a big thing on YouTube!!)
I got into it as I'm nosy about products in other countries so it's a way of getting to look virtually around Target etc

Abbey Sharp on YouTube reviews people's diets but in a really constructive way and encourages people to eat more protein and how to change tiny things to keep you full

A lot of it could just be being a teenager. At that age if my mum had told me not to shower, I would have showered ten times a day and vice versa

I really wouldn't do this. The girl knows her mother is worried about her appearance and every tiny "helpful suggestion" will feel to her like a criticism.

I wouldn't do the competitive stuff either.

Your daughter's behaviour is extreme and frankly I think you need professional advice.
Gaining weight is one thing but the hair and poor hygiene is at odds with the vanity that usually swallows teenagers. Whatever she tells you verbally, she is clearly wanting to repulse people. Maybe she has had a very negative experience (or 10) with men commenting or making her feel uncomfortable.