Dd13 not taking care of herself

[User5643638]

NC for this as it sounds shallow and awful but I just want to know if its normal or something to worry about.

Up til age 11, DD1 was very active, slim, toned. She had beautiful long dark hair and dressed lovely. She liked treats as all kids do but ate a healthy diet and was full of energy. This carried on through the start of lockdown and I cant quite pinpoint when it changed - I assume when puberty kicked in properly.

Shes now 13 and on the verge of overweight. She eats a crazy amount of sugar - literally all her pocket money goes on sweets and cakes and chocolates, and she will come down in the early hours and eat full packs of biscuits. I cant have any snacks at all in the house or she will just inhale them (and I have 4 kids so the others would like the odd biscuit).Shes given up all her sports but one, which she used to want to do professionally and is now hanging on by a thread. I've seen her play and she is so so lazy now. She just wants to lie around looking at her phone, it's got a 2hr screen time limit but then she will just watch TV or have another nap.

She willfully dresses terribly- she likes everything hugely oversized now, which I know is to hide her boobs and hips and thats fine, I've taken her shopping to buy all that stuff, but she will wear the same dirty top over and over when her closet is full of clean ones, or wear a stretched out maternity hoody of mine instead of her nice ones. She sleeps in her clothes despite me buying her loads of nice, big baggy pjs. She's cut all her hair off and never does anything with it so it's a big bushy mess which she won't brush. Getting her to shower and especially wash her hair is a constant battle.

I KNOW none of this matters and is superficial. Shes her same clever, bubbly self to speak to and is doing great at school. But I'm worried if it's a symptom of something deeper. If she was an adult I would think shes depressed but she seems so happy in herself. Its also causing issues socially - a lot of her friends have stopped inviting her out with them (she stands out hugely in her friendship group now, not that that should matter) and the two boys she has liked this year have both rejected her. Both these things shes been sad about but hasnt changed anything. She's still absolutely beautiful, but her hair is unbrushed and her clothes often smell. Kids are shallow. She was popular and often out with friends last year and now seems to be struggling and being made fun of.

Were really close and talk about everything but whether I try to subtly discuss things or openly say no, you need to get changed there is a stain right down your jeans etc, she gets massively offended. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when it comes to anything appearance related, particularly with her weight which I've certainly never mentioned but I do think needs to be tackled. Shes not overweight yet but shes put on a huge amount of weight in 18 months and if it carries on like this she would be obese in another 18.

I've always, always said she can wear what she wants, look how she wants, be whoever she wants to be etc so I feel a complete hypocrite. But I thought she would always at least want to be clean!

If anyone has read all of this, help! I adore her and I want to help her but I cant bear the idea of offending her or making her feel judged. Or maybe all teens go through this and I need to wait for her to come out the other side??

You need to lay down some clear basic ground rules - no phone/wifi/tv until showered and cleaned up.

@CatsArePeople

You need to lay down some clear basic ground rules - no phone/wifi/tv until showered and cleaned up.

I agree with this

Could you have her tested for diabetes? (Type 1)

Agree with previous pps. I had to take my 13 year old daughters phone from her until she started showering and washing and drying her hair properly. She actually wants to shower now and has started caring about what she's wearing.
It does sound like your daughter could have an eating disorder. I would be trying to get her to a counselor if you can

I don’t know if this will work but my DD15 tends to go through phases of eating everything so now if I buy a pack of three halo top lollies I’ll write in it ‘One Each’ - I have three kids. Or if I buy two tubs of low fat ice cream I’ll write ‘DD15’ on one and ‘everyone else’ on the other. She’s probably ASD but declined assessment when she got to the top of the list, so this works for her because she won’t break rules!

Hi OP, sorry to add to your worries but in my experience with a sibling stopping lots of sports and only wearing baggy clothes was linked to hiding self harm. They didn’t want to be in a situation where anyone could see the cuts on their arms.

The charity BEAT has some helpful information about different types of eating disorders here. They also have counselling telephone lines for carers and for people suffering.

With the snacks. I'd try splitting every thing up and each kid has their own labelled box/tin of stuff. If she eats all her (fair share) in one day, tough. If she eats other people's stuff, then she has to use her pocket money to replace. She has access,she has limits and boundaries, it's up to her to learn some self control.

Why is she awake in the middle of the night? How is her sleep? Is she tired the next day?

What does she do on her phone? What kind of things does she listen to/read/watch? Some of the stuff out there can be very confusing and even toxic for a young girl.

You mention unwanted male attention. Do you know the extent of it? Did anything bad/humiliating/embarrassing/scary happen? That doesn't have to be a worst case scenario thing, some repeated lewd comments especially in front of her friends would be enough. It's quite common for girls/women to "let themselves go" as an added layer of protection.

There are definitely some things you mention that could be red flags. If you have the means to arrange it for her, ask her if she would like to talk to someone and just say you are worried about her.

I'd get her seen for binge eating disorder and also look into PCOS. The two are incredibly linked especially if her binge foods are carbs.

I agree the larger clothes are probably to hide her body if adult men have harassed her before.

Thanks for all your comments.

Definitely no self harm - often how I persuade her to wash is to sit in the bathroom and chat to her while she has a bath and washes her hair so I see her naked all the time and there's no marks. Also she's incredibly squeamish.

In terms of her phone, she's on tiktok etc but her screen time goes off at 10 and she leaves it to charge downstairs. She just can't sleep at night, I was the same at her age but I would read or draw or whatever, not just eat eat eat.

In terms of attention from men, shes told me in great detail about the few incidents (man shouting from a window etc) and is so confident and talks so much that I'd be gobsmacked if there was more she'd not mentioned. She literally can not keep a secret for 10 seconds.

Interesting about PCOS - she has very, very heavy and painful periods, and eats significantly more when shes due on - all the incidents where shes eaten full packs of biscuits or half a block of cheese are all around her period. She buys sweets and crap every day, but I'd say the worst of the binging is definitely period linked.

It may be that hormonal fluctuations triggered some binge eating, and that it's begun to embed itself as a habit because of the hyperpalatable nature of the binge foods. If binge eating 'rewards' her and makes her feel better, then she repeats it even when that initial hormonal impetus isn't there to such a strong extent.

Obviously I'm only guessing, but it does seem possible. Poor girl, this must be very hard for her. I can see why you're frustrated, of course, but I guarantee she knows she's gained the weight and is unhappy about it.

I think that the heavy periods could be something you can talk about with her - it could also be affecting her participation in sports to some degree. If her bingeing is period linked then something like the contraceptive pill might be worth considering to regulate the peaks and troughs of hormones better.
The dirty clothes are a fair point to tackle too - I'd ignore it at home, ditto the poor hygiene to be honest. But insist on clean clothes out of the house and a shower every 2nd day maybe.
Even if she seems fine, this is bordering on self neglect. Any criticism should be sharply avoided but I think you can aim for honest delivered with love.
In my experience, quite a lot of young teen girls embrace being quite grungy and grubby at this age, I suspect that there is a subconscious barrier being put up. They're barely out of childhood and suddenly have these unfamiliar bodies and unwanted attention. My DD has never been that keen on showering (doesn't like it!) and I have had to remind her occasionally but I let it slide during weekends and holidays. She's 15 now and her self care is much better but as 13 it was pretty hit and miss.

Op your DD sounds very like mine who is also 13, she hasn't put weight on yet but she will I think if she carries on.
She also wears dirty clothes despite having lots of clean ones, she will sleep in her bed when it's covered in clothes and west the same clothes for days on end. Her room. Is full of empty wrappers plates glasses etc. I have to keep on at her to shower She'd easily go a week without showering if I let her.
Her eating habits are also very similar right down to the middle of the night. She woke me up at 1.30am the other night as she couldn't get the squirty cream to work.
She however is currently very anxious and I think she is depressed as well. She also has very heavy painful periods