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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

12 year old just doesn't care about anything except gaming - help!

35 replies

ipsofatto999 · 22/01/2022 09:18

He drifts along, does no homework/practice for any of the clubs he begged to sign up for/prep for tests. He's a perfectly pleasant child but just wants to spend all day watching YouTube videos about video games. That's all he talks about, that's all he wants to do. We had been coaxing/supporting/encouraging/shouting/making him do homework and practice etc and as a result, school thinks he's great. But we're exhausted from the constant lack of effort, zero appreciation for anything and total fixation on bloody gaming.

He also keeps losing things - since Xmas, he's lost trainers, a scarf, a Nike tracksuit top, headphones x 2, a bag etc. Makes zero effort to recover them and doesn't seem overly bothered, even when we don't replace them.

At wits' end - we have tried being supportive and encouraging and helping him to put a homework schedule in place or systems to remember his things etc. We have tried shouting and threatening to remove things, he now only has screens at weekends once his homework is done (he just drags the homework out, whinges and complains and sits there staring into space so what should take 1 hour takes all weekend), we've even, in a moment of disbelief and anger at him once again saying he's done no homework all week, told him we will move him to a different school next term if he doesn't grow up a bit. Nothing gets through.

Any suggestions - how can we help him to be accountable/more responsible/grow up a bit?! Keep thinking it's an immaturity issue but he's always been like this to a degree and we're starting to wonder if this is his actual personality/approach to life, how can we help him understand this is not the way to behave?!

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 17:07

He sounds like a dreamy teen to me. And yes it is exhausting.

You have limited screen time which is key. Does this include his phone?

I am sure lots of people would say you shouldn’t, but I would consider attaching screen time and allowance to school grades, HW done in reasonable time, exercise. I would also say significant looses should get a screen time penalty.

Also - could he have ADHD? - check that out.

It will pass.. keep at it.

BennysBingoBonanza · 22/01/2022 17:10

All sounds very normal to me. Just set limits on screen time, designate homework time then enforce it. Losing stuff is quite common for teen boys- consider asking him to contribute to replacing it if he seems completely unbothered.

Vargas · 22/01/2022 17:16

Is he interested in money? Could you pay him for household chores?

I used to pay one of my lazy teens for cutting the grass, taking bins out, washing the car, and even for reading new books and music practice.

If you refuse to pay for any games/lost kit this might give him a kick up the arse?

MintJulia · 22/01/2022 17:20

Sounds normal to me.

I have a similar 13yo but I insist that he does homework and two sports activities a week. I insist ds does his homework and the router goes off if necessary. I also insist he goes to swimming class on Saturdays and karate on Sundays. No negotiation. He enjoys both once he gets there.

I am Cruella d'Ville and completely unreasonable.

MintJulia · 22/01/2022 17:25

On lost stuff, I told him that if he didn't find his brand new PE kit, I would come into school and search for it myself. This apparently would have been so deeply mortifying that he finally retrieved it from junior house lost property,

The power of embarrassment can work wonders.

bsc · 22/01/2022 17:41

Sounds exactly like my 12yo tbh.
He doesn't even have any hobbies other than gaming and reading. We do restrict how long he can play for, and when he isn't gaming, he is talking about gaming. Even if no-one listens!

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 09:49

Thanks so much for all the replies - actually very reassuring to know it’s quite a normal stage! Exactly this - enjoys it once he gets there (cricket or swimming) but moans about it all the way there. Haha, yes - when not gaming, he will talk about it constantly. I may threaten an in-person visit to the lost property office to see if that doesn’t encourage some relocation of trainers! You have cheered me up a lot actually - all my mates’ kids are much younger so no barometer... He’s going in tomorrow in a pair of supermarket trainers that he had to pay for so we shall see....

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 23/01/2022 09:54

No screens until lost stuff found.
Are you limiting the YouTube videos?

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 10:08

Yes - no screens during the week and only at weekends after homework is done. Phone has no access to YouTube during the week either - we use the Apple family thing to restrict. He has actually asked about earning money so may discuss that with him too.

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 23/01/2022 10:14

How is he getting on at school?
Is it worth letting him fail to do homework if he wishes and deal with the consequences from school?
At DS school, you get an after school detention for one missed piece of hw.
That is a much better incentive to get on with it than me nagging.
Is gaming also socialising? If kids are gaming with friends that seems a better use of time than watching you tube about gaming.
FYI I have 12 and 14 y o boys, who love gaming. They do their h/w though, cos they don't want the detentions. DS1 also wants to do well in his gcses, so will probably improve naturally.

SleepQuest33 · 23/01/2022 10:15

Sorry to go against the majority but it’s not normal and very dangerous. Would you allow your child to become addicted to harming substances that will most certainly stop him from achieving his potential at school?

Our rules are and have always been no gaming whatsoever during the week (unless on holidays). If bored then read a book.

I suggest you fix this now as it will be harder when older.

timeforteaforyouandme · 23/01/2022 10:17

Is the gaming a solitary activity though or social with his schoolfriends all online?
That makes a difference I think

Zizizoom · 23/01/2022 10:52

My 11 year old DS is like this and he has ADHD ; predominantly inattentive type. The losing things constantly, avoidance of chores etc and hyperfocusing on one thing like gaming can be signs of ADHD, although on the other hand it could just be normal preteen behaviour! All of my DS's friends are gaming mad, but I think the difference between them and my DS is he struggles with self regulation and so can easily become obsessed, meaning we have to be really strict with limiting screen time. However, the social side of it is really positive for my DS as he is an only child. I don't tend to mind so much if he is talking to his friends over the headset but I don't like it when he's playing alone or just mindlessly watching you tube videos! You're not alone OP in your concerns, I think many of us have the same battles with our pre teens and teenagers. I only mention the ADHD incase this is something that resonates with you.

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 11:14

Interesting - re letting him fail to do homework if he wishes and deal with the consequences from school: we considered this and are actually not getting involved at all in the revision for an upcoming French test, so it will be interesting to see what the outcome will be. Feels weird to be half hoping he gets a poor result so he understands!

To be clear: it is not that he will not do any other activity - it is that he will not do any practice in between sessions. E.g. begs to be allowed to join a sport activity, absolutely fine about going to every session but totally uninterested in doing any of the drills mid-week that the coach sends round and then wonders why he's not on the main team... whyever could that be?!

We too are concerned about the addictive qualities of gaming - we are definitely engaged in managing his interaction with it - as stated, no screens during the week at all and at weekends, only after home work is done.

School think he's great and he's very articulate and mature in some ways, but they seemed to think this kind of scattered approach and immaturity about being accountable was utterly par for the course for his age! Wondering if others' kids similarly drag out the homework and moan about it and interested in how, well, proactive any of the kids are at this age about homework/revision/practice? Are my expectations unrealistic?!

Really interesting to get all the perspectives - thank you

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VioletOcean · 23/01/2022 11:21

My pre teen is gaming/tik tok/you tube mad but she has to do homework and revision every day. If she doesn’t then she doesn’t get to do what she likes. If the homework isn’t done properly then screen time is over. She’s learnt the hard way. She got low marks on her exams before Xmas (school has exams each term) and she she knows I mean it when I say her work needs improving and less screen time happens until she sorts her work out.

I learnt the hard way my adult DC was gaming mad and he said his school work was fine, and I believed him and then first year GCSE I decided to check and boy did they have to work hard to pass their exams. They did but there was a lot of complaining from them.

Have things in place now and stick to what you do, no amount of I hates you, do not change the boundaries

Elisheva · 23/01/2022 11:32

Have you taught him ‘how’ to do his homework? My Ds is 14 and sounds quite similar in terms of scattiness, and he finds it very difficult to organise himself to get his homework done. A timetable isn’t enough. So he sits downstairs where I am, we look together at what he needs to do, check he’s got everything he needs, talk about what he’s going to do and in what order. Then I leave him to it for a while, but I’m around to keep an eye and to check in occasionally to make sure he’s on task. I tend to do it while I’m cooking dinner.
I’m hoping that, in time, he will learn how to organise himself a bit more.

QuizzicalEyebrows · 23/01/2022 11:52

Stop getting so involved

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 12:02

@Elisheva

Have you taught him ‘how’ to do his homework? My Ds is 14 and sounds quite similar in terms of scattiness, and he finds it very difficult to organise himself to get his homework done. A timetable isn’t enough. So he sits downstairs where I am, we look together at what he needs to do, check he’s got everything he needs, talk about what he’s going to do and in what order. Then I leave him to it for a while, but I’m around to keep an eye and to check in occasionally to make sure he’s on task. I tend to do it while I’m cooking dinner. I’m hoping that, in time, he will learn how to organise himself a bit more.

This is exactly what we're currently doing. Was hoping at some point, we'd be able to not have to check in or sit in the same room as him and he wouldn't automatically start browsing the internet/doodling/randomly reading something that's not part of his homework. Fingers crossed - I live in hope!

OP posts:

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 12:08

@QuizzicalEyebrows

Stop getting so involved

Interesting perspective. Perhaps personality has a lot to do with it - both his and ours. We're both quite "involved" people - we make an effort in all aspects of our life and we both want our son to make good choices and learn how to manage his behaviour so he get the most out of what life has to offer. If that's not our responsibility, I'm not sure who's it is - Not being "so involved" in the life of someone who is a) a child and b) important to us, feels a bit, well, wrong.

OP posts:

BennysBingoBonanza · 23/01/2022 12:08

@SleepQuest33

Our rules are and have always been no gaming whatsoever during the week (unless on holidays). If bored then read a book.

I suggest you fix this now as it will be harder when older.

Calm down, no one is suggesting she lets him play games all day

It’s normal for a child of that age to enjoy gaming and be a bit scatty, which is why parents need to enforce limits on screen time and teach responsibility.

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 12:12

@VioletOcean

Have things in place now and stick to what you do, no amount of I hates you, do not change the boundaries

Thank you for this - really helpful. I too think that if I just accepted his "chill mum, s'done" without checking, he'd be in for a very difficult first GCSE year. I'm going to chat with him and explain that we'll be sticking to the plan, no matter how many times he claims that everybody else is allowed to play Fifa all day.

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Honey2 · 23/01/2022 19:58

@BennysBingoBonanza lol - agree.

@ipsofatto999 sounds exactly like my son too.. I totally admire you’ve gone down the no screens in the week route. I know we need to limit my sons screen time more than we do… thanks for everyone’s comments as I’ve learnt some good tips! Interesting the ADHD comments, I’ve often thought my son shows signs of this but school don’t see enough of an issue to want to do anything about it.
Reassuring that many are going though this same challenge!

Wintersun · 23/01/2022 20:06

He sounds similar to my ds. I’ve gone down the no screens during the weekdays too. It’s easier to do it at 12 than 15 with GCSEs coming up!

He’s 14 now and we’ve still got no gaming during the week days but the phone is a struggle. That now gets limited as well.

Sometimes I’ve taken it off him for a whole week and he’s a completely different child! Much more pleasant and chatty and his focus is better.

Do you talk to him about what gaming seems to be doing to him? My ds can see it for himself now so it’s easier to get him on board with restrictions.

Original poster

ipsofatto999 · 23/01/2022 22:42

It’s been so helpful and reassuring to get everyone’s perspectives - very interesting re the ADHD also. Great idea to talk to him about the effect. Think that might have some impact. We talked about earning money this evening and he seemed v up for the idea. Then revealed he’d lost his piano book ahead of his lesson tomorrow silent scream
The phone will definitely be the next struggle for us too im sure. He already speaks 50% memes

OP posts:

AM79 · 26/01/2022 11:24

Pretty much sounds like my sons. It’s all about ganing this age… our rule is 2 hours maximum per day. But I don’t know what they do at friends houses

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