Aargh!! Decisions, decisions; to move or not [confused]

[Apple33]

Hello all,

I am THE MOST INDECISIVE PERSON in the world and am firmly stuck in the mud of analysis paralysis.

Here is my dilemma. I am trying to decide what is best for my daughter and me in terms of moving from where we are.

We live in a city in a house that seems to get smaller by the day! It is a lovely house and I am very fond of it but it just doesn't suit our needs anymore. I cannot afford to upgrade where we live. My uncle has moved abroad and has a lovely 4 bedroom house with a garden with lovely neighbours in the town I am from. He has offered it to me at very little cost rent wise which was one of the catalysts for my considering moving.

The pandemic has had a big impact on me as it has on a lot of people.
I have been restless and stressed in my job, so I applied for a career break. I am happy with the decision regardless of whether we move or not. My company has branches in my home town and I can work on a temporary basis or as a stand in and if I stay, my manager has told me that there would be plenty of temping here in the city. Money will be tighter if I stay in the city on temps wages instead of my full time wages. If we moved to the country, I was planning on letting my house here for a bit of extra income. Being a first time landlord, this could bring its own set of problems though!

One of my biggest draws to home is my mother who is living alone. We have a tense, strained relationship. Her behaviour can really, really irritate me and I become like a bratty teenager around her but I adore her. She has no close relatives, only a few very good neighbours. She is capable and self sufficient but I can see her getting older and becoming slower and I feel like I want to be there for her. I haven't told my mother about my thinking of moving as it would raise her hopes and break her heart if we decided to stay put.

With my daughters education, I was upset when my applications to my first choice and second choice secondary schools were unsuccessful due to oversubscription. She has just finished primary.
She got a place in another school that I was coming around to. I also applied to schools in my home town where we got place in the school that was my first choice.

With all of the above in mind, I had made my mind up and decided to move to the country. I had told some friends and family. But, the VERY NEXT day, I received a letter to say that my daughter had an offer of a place in my first choice of secondary school due to a cancellation from another pupil!!! This is a very good school and I can imagine my daughter being happy there. So, things have been completely thrown up in the air again.

And now to the most important person - my daughter. She is a wonderful, introverted child. She has a couple of very close friends here and is involved in team sports where she has a wonderful coach and team mates. She is happy here and does not want to leave. She can prefer her own company at times and take herself off by herself away from a group. As an introvert myself, I completely understand this and am not worried about it except if we did move and she was starting in a new school. I have spent some weekends in my home town and made an effort to contact people whose children have reached out to my daughter. Slowly but surely, she responded and accepted their invitations to play out. This has boosted her confidence but it is still delicate.

So, really I am so very torn. I feel like I am essentially torn between my daughter's needs and my mother's. If we stayed here, my daughter would have a great school with a great reputation for holistic development. In my home town, the school is also good but in a different way and the teachers are really caring from what I can gather. The country would offer more safety and I feel my daughter could have more independence because of this. Our area in the city has had a fair bit of anti social behaviour and I worry about my daughter going out. On the flip side of this, there is not much for teenagers to do in my home town and much more on offer in the city. And the space that the house in the country could give us! My daughter could have a separate study and comfort having friends over and we could have guests to stay. My daughter will not be making the decision for me but I really feel that the move will have a huge impact on her. It could be wonderful or a disaster for her.

But my mother. I could really regret not moving to be near her.

I am also aware that I only have my daughter for another few years and I have to think of whether on not I will be happy in my home town or not after she maybe leaves. I left for the city as soon as I could and I fell in love with the city and its vivacity. I have a love/hate relationship with it now. The vibrancy and life along with the diversity of people with different experiences and outlooks energise me. I have a few close acquaintances that I can have coffee with. But I am increasingly frustrated at the lack of manners, the rat race, the anti social behaviour and I have been afraid at times and I feel I would just like a change. If I could afford to move to a nicer area here in a bigger house, that would make a huge difference but doesn't solve the issue of being closer to my mother.

Sorry for the long post. I am very lost. Any kind perspectives and thoughts would be welcome!

Thanks for reading x

Halfway through your post I was going to ask what your DD wants, but then it became clear that she doesn't want to leave.

I fear that you have left it too late as far as your DD is concerned and it doesn't sound as if she's going to thank you for moving her so close to moving up to High School.

Moving to High School is stressful enough for them without worrying about where she'll be living, which school she'll be at and potentially leaving all of her friends behind, it's not a choice I'd make lightly.

As for your DM, have you talked through with her what her plans are as she ages?

Your daughter's wants and needs come first here.
Anyway, your mother doesn't actually need your help from what you have written. It seems to be more what your daughter wants vs what you want and your mother isn't really part of that decision.

Thank you for your thoughts BunnyReddington. Your comment that I may have left it too late has resonated with me. DD is at a delicate age now. I think you may be right.

I don't think you've left it too late, moving to secondary is the ideal time to move, she will be starting a new school whatever you do. I do think that it is now or never though.

What is your relationship like with your uncle?

I would move in a heartbeat. If she is changing schools anyway I would say its the perfect time to move. You are the adult here, you call the shots because you can weigh up the pros and cons. I wouldn't let a child make a decision like this!

Thanks Sleepinghyena. You said it seems to be what my DD wants vs what I want. I hadn't thought of it like that. I can see why you would say that.

My main concern and priority is my DD. That's why this is such a torturous and agonising decision! The safety issue is a big one for me as is her emotional well being. I was considering the potential quality of life for her there.

I didn't really explain properly about my Mum. She is independent but a range of health problems are affecting her quality of life significantly. I haven't talked to her because I know us moving near to her would be a dream come true for her and I don't want to get her hopes up.

Thanks again.

Do remember though that friendships can shift substantially in the transition to secondary school. It can be more upsetting if a long-term friend dumps you in the first term for new and more interesting friends than going to a different school and the friendship jogging along on the previous basis. That is not to say that I would definitely move, but do not make the decision on the basis of primary school friendships alone.

Yes French fancy,
If I don't do it now, I won't move away when she starts secondary. That is one of the main reasons I took a career break this year. Most of her close friends are going to the school that was my second choice. She will have one other not so close friend going to the first choice school. She has met and hit it off with a girl in my home town that will be starting in secondary with her. So in either school, she will be meeting and hopefully making new friends.

My uncle is wonderful. He has no kids of his own and is like a second Dad to me.

I understand the dilemma but I would absolutely move. It's a normal time to move schools and she will make new friends. We nearly moved for year 7, and I wish we had - it only gets more difficult to do so as they get older!

I didn't really explain properly about my Mum. She is independent but a range of health problems are affecting her quality of life significantly. I haven't talked to her because I know us moving near to her would be a dream come true for her and I don't want to get her hopes up.

You can ask your DM what her plans are without offering to move and do everything for her though. One thing that would be really useful is a POA, both health and financial.

Have a serious think about how much you are willing to take on with your DM as well. It sounds as though your relationship can be draining and any help you provide may be 365 days a year, for many years.

Have a read of the Elderly Parents Board for a feel of what MNers who provide care are going through.

If you are going to move. I'd say now is the time as most people doing stick with their primary friends at secondary and it really would be the least disruptive time to move her. I'd move sounds like she'd have a better quality of life more space and close to family would benefit her too.

Thank you @Cattitudes. I had thought of that. DD relies a little too much on her two close friends I feel. I think it would be good for her to branch out a bit. I can imagine one of those friends forming new friendships in secondary very quickly and drifting from DD. It would be a learning experience but yes, very painful.

That's a good point @BunnyRuddington. I have a sister and a brother neither of whom have families of their own. I felt let down when DD was born that they didn't give a little more support to get out every now and again or do more things with heras she has gotten older so I'd say caring duties for my mother would eventually fall squarely on my shoulders.

I'm also incredibly indecisive so solidarity op! My husband has put a ban on us moving between primary and secondary schools. His parents did, he missed his best friend and his new friendships didn't compare. His sister agrees and was actually horribly bullied. Just their experience I know. Can moving closer to your mother wait until after secondary school, when your Dd may head to university or alternative?

If I come back with the opposite I know it won't help. But my friends from junior school all abandoned me in secondary anyway! Apparently I was too immature...

Some other considerations: Could you afford to move to the town, with the same benefits (larger, nicer etc) if your uncle was not making this offer?
If anything happened to him (financially, health, doesn't work out abroad etc) and the situation changes, would you be able to afford to rent/buy on the open market?
And think carefully about your relationship with your mother - if you move, she is likely she is to become dependent on you being there, making it harder for you to move back if it doesn't work out. You describe your relationship as strained now...as PP said, have a read of the Elderly parents section before voluntarily jumping into a long-term caring role with a parent you have a strained relationship with.

@Apple33

Yes French fancy, If I don't do it now, I won't move away when she starts secondary. That is one of the main reasons I took a career break this year. Most of her close friends are going to the school that was my second choice. She will have one other not so close friend going to the first choice school. She has met and hit it off with a girl in my home town that will be starting in secondary with her. So in either school, she will be meeting and hopefully making new friends.

My uncle is wonderful. He has no kids of his own and is like a second Dad to me.

Sorry, I went back up and saw this. I think move. Done!

I can imagine I'd feel regret too @brizzlewizzle but then knowing me I could feel regret the other way too For you, I hope your regret subsides. There may be a reason that isn't clear yet that mightake you feel you were right to stay after all

Ouch @Orangeinmybluelightcup. That must have hurt. Kids can be so cruel. Interesting to hear your husband and sister in laws perspectives.

Thanks @CailleachBan. Yes, if I sold up in the city, I could afford somewhere nice in the country. The beauty of this arrangement would be that if it didn't work out in the country, I would still have the house to come back to here. My uncle would be happy to have someone in the house so it works for him too.

It doesn’t sound like a good idea to move to the country!

Your housing situation would be precarious, dependent on the goodwill of your uncle who owns the property.

You have issues in your relationship with your mother, and perhaps haven’t yet thought through what you would / wouldn’t be willing and able to do for her should she become unwell whilst DD was still young.

The education and social opportunities for DD sound worse in the country.

Key issues seem to be your work situation and health. And, related to that, money. How can you afford a ‘career break’? With your current employer, are you still in or can you now return to employment, or are your options now temping for them with little security or seeking work elsewhere?

Unless you’re v wealthy, or close to pension age with a good pension ready, which don’t seem to be the case for you, earnings and living near good work opportunities should be a high priority IMO. There will be far fewer jobs in the country.

Moving would also be disruptive for your DD, especially if you later returned and she no longer had the option of a place at your first choice school.

Thanks @Ki0612. I think that too, that it is a natural break and the time to do it is now or never!

I'd move. You've been handed this opportunity and from the whole tone of your post it screams that you'll regret it if you don't give it a go.
The change may we'll be scary for your dd but there's no reason to think she won't thrive at the new school in the country. You've already set her on the path of making friends.

Thanks Dozer. I'm neither wealthy nor near retirement age. I felt I didn't really have much choice but to take a break for my own wellbeing. The atmosphere in work was suffocating me. My work life balance was completely askew and without the option to lessen workload or delegate, it affected me very, very badly mentally. I am very happy to take a pay cut by temping if it means I am better in myself. There is plenty of temping so I'm not too worried in that regard.