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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

12 yo dd is on the bullying register...

28 replies

Helenj1977 · 09/12/2020 14:39

I'm absolutely fuming. I have not raised my girls to be bullied.

She's in a new group of friends who seem to be trouble.

What do I do?? I never thought I'd have to deal with this.

We're moving house imminently and she's due to have the nicest room. Do I upgrade her younger sister to that room as punishment??

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 14:48

What on earth is the bullying register? Is it for bullies or the bullied?

You say you didn't raise her to BE bullied but then talk of punishing her.

So I assume she's in a group which have been labelled as bullies?

Have you spoken to her about what's going on?

Nymeriastark1 · 09/12/2020 14:50

Did you mean you have not raised your girls to be bullies?

What has she been doing exactly?

billybagpuss · 09/12/2020 14:55

Don’t switch the rooms, it’s too much of a permanent situation that you can’t back down from later without upsetting your other dd.

How old is she? You need to have conversations, punish with,loss of tech if necessary, but you need to keep your relationship strong. Also this is a ridiculously long term and they all are very tired and over excited at the end, which can cause bad behaviour. Talk about it over Christmas and hopefully the new term will be better.

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 09/12/2020 14:55

From what I gather there are two girls who believe my daughter and her friend are following them and causing trouble. They're parents have been in touch a few times according to the teacher email.

I have her phone and there's a huge group chat. They're all egging each other on and slagging off these girls. My daughters friends (the one on trouble at well) put yesterday they might be going to isolation.

I've never heard of the register before. I guess its in case of future issues? I've asked for more information and what we exactly she's done.

Yes, I meant bullies. Auto correct 😩

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/12/2020 14:58

I think taking her phone. Printing off the convo and giving it to the school might be punishment enough tbh. There would be no tech for a while so no contact outside of school would happen.

Kids have killed themselves due to bullying, this would be a sharp intense lesson to be taught.

billybagpuss · 09/12/2020 15:00

I guess the ‘register’ is an internal thing. I think your dd needs to be away from that group chat for a while. Definitely confiscate the phone and when she gets it back it stays with you from 8pm onwards.

1940s · 09/12/2020 15:01

She sounds awful. Girls like your daughter can ruin lives. I would absolutely make this tangible for her and give her the smallest room.

SmallestInTheClass · 09/12/2020 15:09

Definitely confiscate the phone, at least for some of each day. Have you thought about how to support her? Lots of bullying charities support bullies to understand what they are doing and the impact it has, as well as helping the bullied. Try having a look at 'bullies out' or national bullying helpline. There's an interesting article on BBC future that's based on research. Tell her she can only have her phone back when she's read some of it, perhaps with you.

AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2020 15:11

I would not impose an arbitrary punishment like swapping the rooms. I would spend time talking to her about why she is behaving like this and educating her on the impact of bullying. I'm sure that there will be loads of stories online that you can use to make the point. You need to shock her a bit, let her know how upset you are and get her to really empathise with those on the other end of this behaviour.

If she is guilty of bullying, then what she has done is awful, but she is only 12 and may be easily influenced. It won't be helpful to label her as a bad person. She is just an ordinary kid who has made some really bad decisions. The focus needs to be on helping her to change her behaviour and supporting her to make better decisions in the future.

Focus on change not punishment.

Upstartcrones · 09/12/2020 15:13

Consequences are what she needs to learn from this. Bullying can destroy lives.

I'd personally make her write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Take her phone away, she cannot be trusted to use it unsupervised. If she kicks off further then she gets the small room. I'd also let the school know that I'm behind them 100% in whatever punishment she has coming from them.

She really needs to understand and get the message here if she is to have any hope of growing into a decent adult.

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 09/12/2020 15:14

Thanks all. She is easily led unfortunately. Her phone is definitely gone for now.

I'll offer to send the group chat into school, I'm waiting for her head of year to get back to me.

I was bullied all through secondary school, I'm devastated she might be making girls feel like I did 🥲

OP posts:
Upstartcrones · 09/12/2020 15:15

I also agree that some education is needed as well on the impact of bullying.

AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2020 15:16

I was bullied all through secondary school, I'm devastated she might be making girls feel like I did

Talk to her about that, OP. Tell her how it felt at the time. Tell her how devastated you feel about how she has behaved. I'm sure she isn't a bad kid, but she needs to fully understand the impact of her actions.

lunar1 · 09/12/2020 15:24

Stop it, your daughters friends aren't the only ones who are trouble. Your child is a part of it. Never mind the excuse that she is easily led. She needs to take responsibility for herself, a mother blaming her friends for being bad influences won't help anything.

There are plenty of online resources to show the devastation that a bully can cause.

1940s · 09/12/2020 15:47

Please don't minimise this as easily led

ChloeCrocodile · 09/12/2020 17:02

Definitely don't go down the "easily led" route. If she tries to explain that she felt caught up with what others were doing, you need to refocus her back to her own behaviour and how she could handle it differently.

Talking about your own experience of bullying sounds like a good plan tho. She needs to understand that what she has done is bad and that she is going to have to work hard to earn back any degree of trust.

However, swapping the rooms is too permanent. She's done a bad thing, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person who needs to be punished indefinitely. She's only 12 and you need to give her sanctions which have an end point - whether that be a fixed time (for example no phone for 2 weeks) or until you can trust her (eg you keep the phone at night until you are confident there won't be a repeat). I'd also tell her in no uncertain terms that you will be backing whatever sanctions the school put in place.

I'm not a fan of letters of unsolicited letters of apology - they're often about making the bully feel better rather than the victim and can make the victim feel forced to forgive when they aren't ready. I'd let the school deal with managing the fall out in terms of the relationship between DD and the girl she has been bullying. They will know all the children involved well enough to know whether a letter or face to face apology would be helpful to the victim or if she'd rather just be left alone.

ScrapThatThen · 09/12/2020 17:10

Talking to her is much more punishment than anything else and she needs your parental direction.

Upstartcrones · 09/12/2020 17:29

I disagree on the letter front. This has been an effective tool in my experience with bullying. It has made the bully actually think about what they write and the act of putting it into words can be a physical reinforcement of a message. If it is not done properly it is redone until its right, that way its not a simple off the cuff 'I'm sorry. The victim in my experience didn't feel pressure to forgive as forgiveness was never mentioned or discussed, so there was no obligation. She told me it made her feel that others had acted on her speaking out and was evidence that it had been taken seriously and acted upon. Made a lasting impression on both sides.

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 10/12/2020 18:45

An update... The head of year replied to my email today and it's actually my dd being bullied 🥲

He really didn't make that clear. The group chat I've read doesn't make that clear either.

Her phone is still gone and she won't be allowed in these chats now.

OP posts:
ArtemisBean · 10/12/2020 18:50

So on this Whatsapp chat it's not your daughter joining in with the slagging off? What has she been contributing to the chat? And didn't she deny being one of the bullies when you confronted her?

lunar1 · 10/12/2020 18:52

Did you tell him what you found on her phone?

1940s · 10/12/2020 20:52

This is weird.... how on earth did you get that confused??

Elevenerife · 10/12/2020 20:56

I hope you're able to support her. Whatsapp/group messages can be a rabbit hole for this kind of thing.

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 21:02

This makes no sense

Hayeahnobut · 10/12/2020 21:05

The parents reported their children were being bullied.

You found evidence of your daughter bullying on her phone.

But now it's your daughter who is the victim?

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