Defiant dd does the opposite of everything i say and wants to be the opposite of everything i stand for.

[malificent7]

Just turned 12 and is very hard work. I get that she wants to be her own person but she is quite extreme.
She dosn't want to join in any family activities...not even tv watching with us . If i try to limit screens there ate tantrums and actually she needs her phone to do school work.
She just seems to reject me as an inflience and role model ..normal as her peers are her main influence but i think she is making a point about me as she is very critical of who i am.
I love art and paint a lot but she has decided she hates it and wont do anything creative ( fine but i suspect it is as i like it and shes rebelling.)
She even supports an opposing political party .....again fine but she has said its because who i vote for is weird.
Yes...i get called weird a lot.
Every request is turned into an argument. She says she wants to be a vet but she dosn't work very hard at school so not sure how she will achieve this although i am proud.
She moans about our " embarassing " house but makes a mess herself.
I suspect she may have oppositional defiant disorder or something.
Her step sister idolises her mum and models herself round her but her mum had described step sister as very " compliant."
I have not voiced this comparison to dd but gosh life would be easier if she wasnt so oppositional.

She sounds like a stroppy little madam and I hope you dont mind me saying so! I have one too but she's a bit younger than yours.
I don't tolerate it so we fall out quite a bit. I wouldn't allow your DD to call you weird and comment negatively on your appearance- or anyone else though.
What does her dad say about it? My DH is far too lenient imo meaning that I get the fun of being the authoritarian one.
We'll have a fun few years ahead eh OP! Hopefully they'll come out the other side soon.
I'll admit it often gets me down and daydream about moving out!

Dad is not around and step dad is a softie. ( she wouldn't listen to him anyway.)

We fall out too as i tell her off...cue loud retorts about how its just banter and im too sensitive. Exhausting!

I would start to use that sewing machine - you might find she discovers she wants to use it.

I'd tell her you didn't do well in school and were jealous of the girls who worked hard and did well.

Just block your ears to any insults. Easier said than done, I know. A friend of mine used to put headphone on and another friend used ear plugs.

It can be such a horrible age and it's even worse now you have the comparison of your step daughter. Poor you.

I think yes,teenage adolescence is rough but there are some boundaries you can set-she doesn't pass comment on you,your looks or clothes. If she swears at you or calls you vile names then she earns a timeout for screens or whatever will be effective. Other things like family activities or whatnot you can maybe be less strict about IMO.,being vile and unkind just isn't on its basic decency. I grew up with old school parents and had I said or done some stuff I've read on here I would've never made it to adulthood. I'm not advocating that style parenting at all

Could you get her a diary to vent all her criticisms? Just don't ever be tempted to read it. That made a huge difference with my daughter, though she used to write in it sometimes while I was in the room - I could tell she was writing about me and that it wasn't going to be nice.

Having different opinions, hobbies or ideas to you is normal and fine. What is not fine is calling you names or using the excuse of banter to get away with it. You respect her way of thinking and you expect the same back. I never wanted to be like my parents at that age and said lots of things to shock, she is doing this. Put limits in place to stop the rudeness.

Perhaps you're just very different people?

I must admit my eccentric mother was something I found rather embarrassing at that age and we still do not get on now I'm in my thirties. I had low self esteem and felt like anything outside of the norm among my group of friends was not ok.

She probably associates you with being singled out. Shes also probably aware that she needs to differentiate herself from her step sister. Do they compete for attention perhaps? Or she may worry you prefer her sister?

The Dad thing is also a rough deal for her. It really affects your self esteem regardless of any replacement father figures. Knowing your DF doesnt bother to meet you is hard to deal with.

Does she have a mentor? Someone outside the family situation to talk to and support her building her self esteem?

Sounds like a rough time. I think on the rude comments, I'd have to put my foot down as you are, but she also seems to need something to reduce her anxiety, boost her confidence and help her feel more part of the family.

Like I tell my kids, it's the audience that decides if something is a joke, not the comedian - so calling it a joke or banter or calling the audience 'too sensitive' doesn't change that. They can have whatever opinion they want, but we don't do to others what we don't want done to us which in this case would probably include a lot of this 'banter'. Softie stepdad needs to be on the same side with how that's handled.

Right now, it's hard to think of good recommendations as most things involve outside of the home. Are there any environmental changes that could happen - a better device than her phone that's dedicated for school and productive work? a writing space like HollowTalk suggested to get out her frustrations? If she's concerned about her appearance, maybe space for fitness equipment? Is there something he might want to do together like games rather than TV - or maybe a show she would like to watch that you can do together?

Hi there...thank you for the kind responses...i will work on her politeness. She has started working out during lockdown which has been great for her.
I used the sewing machine...suddenly she is not intetested.
Some of her comments about my appearance are subtle such as " your jeans are too small"....others not so much.

Hi OP,

I agree with one of the previous posters that mentioned your daughter being a strong character. And if you were to look back at when she was younger I am sure you would have noticed the independent strong character traits. And because at her age, like others mentioned, she is finding herself those traits are magnified as she does not know how to channel what she is feeling appropriately. Plus the effects of hormones and lack of interest on her dad's side will play a role.
I have one of those strong characters at home, so independent and opinionated. I remember her being a tiny toddler and she insisted on doing everything herself. We once spent over 40min in the hallway when age 18mnth she was trying to tie her shoe laces and wouldn't let me, then went into a meltdown. I just bought velcro shoes after that. And we did go through the stage of rudeness and boundary pushing. You had some great advice on how to deal with it, but important thing is to pick your battles.
I attended various parenting courses when my daughter was little, because I was convinced that I am doing something wrong. And I remember one of the practitioners saying to me that in our world we have different types of people, some are strong and will lead and overpower. Some are more mild in character more amicable and will be happy to be led. If we only had just one type it would be wrong.
Work on her confidence and despite of her defiance always let her know that she is loved. Have honest not preaching conversations on how you feel allowing her to open up about hers with time.
Good luck

To find out who you are, you first have to find out who you aren’t.

It’s normal to reject every value they’ve been raised with for a while, at least to your face. Don’t worry.

In general I was a pretty good teenager but one thing I did which embarrasses me now was ‘mock’ my mums weight. I wasn’t necessarily trying to be mean but she constantly went on about her own weight and how she was ‘so fat’ and needed to go on a diet etc that I somehow thought it was on the table for discussion - if that makes sense?
I didn’t even think she was fat and I definitely saw it as banter.
She was so clearly not fat to me that I didn’t think she actually hated her body.
I’m just wondering if you say things like ‘my jeans are too small’ in front of or to her? And because to her you just look like a mum she doesn’t realise that the comments hurt?

I’ve explained that so badly and I’m not saying my teenage comments were ok, just trying to give a ‘teen’ perspective

No i dont say my jeans are too small, or my mum is too big etc.

I have teen dds so I understand what you are saying. I have had to master the art of neutral answers

' I hate brown hair, it is vile'
A: ' I can see that you don't like it, what colour do you like?'

' I am not wearing that I will look like xxx'
A: 'okay what do you feel comfortable in'

' I am not going to bed'
A: ' okay, but we won't be able to give your phone privilege tomorrow, as we agreed 9pm'

I try to use a gentle tone without being patronising, try to avoid yelling or arguing back and when they are completely kicking off grey rock. It is so easy to reduced to a 12 year old again.

Swearing and insults are an instant phone ban in our house, and so are any comments about the way others look. Absolutely unacceptable.

We have agreed bed times, phone use and expectations around food (vegetables) and homework. It is really much easier if you simply do not engage fully when they are very upset and angry - and see it as a passing rain cloud rather than a personal attack. Just acknowledge they are upset, say you are happy to talk or comfort them and stand back.

I don't think it is anything you are doing, it is just very hard at that age. One minute they are lovely, the next an angry raging hormonal pre teen.

Try to avoid losing your shit completely, as this may scare a pre teen (The internal storm is already enough to deal with) Calm and together has been my way forward - never ever taking it to heart - go back to the toddler years of endless calm patience and allowing it to blow out pretty much. Be glad she is developing normally

For example she once said..." that's so gay! " and i gave her a talking too about how that was an inappropriate turn of phrase!!

Perhaps it's time to change tactics OP. Instead of giving her a talking to, get her to talk through. Lightly challenge at the time and tell her you're interested to hear why she thinks that or thinks that that is an ok thing to say and say you want to hear her out later/after dinner/when we get home.

Listen to her and ask her questions but don't debate the issue all the time and model how to Agree to Disagree: "Hmm, I never thought of it like that" and "I don't agree with your opinion on that but sure wouldn't the world be boring if all agreed all the time", "Everybody is weird in their own way" etc. Ignore the defiance/provocation and it will lose it's allure.

For most children this is a phase, a commonly documented one. So good luck and try not to take it personally.

And also your own self esteem and confidence should not be so wobbly as to be affected by anything she says, if you are to be a good example. Insecurity will show itself quickly, be confident in who you are. If she criticises it, fine, but you are still proud of it and don't change yourself to be her version of cool whatever you do!!

To be fair OP, it sounds like your 12yo is already entering the teenage years. These are far worse and more challenging than the toddler years or tantrums and so on. It’s normal development that a child who once thought you were amazing and impressive has now realised you are a faulty human being who doesn’t have all the answers and cannot fix every problem. The scales fall from their eyes and they get so disgusted that they punish you for not being the perfect human they adored as a young child. What you describe is normal snotty teenage behaviour. They constantly mock everything you like from your clothes to your reading material to your tv shows to your political views. They also complain constantly about how their generation has it worst and you cannot possibly understand them because the world was too different when you were a teenager. You are just going to have to exercise patience and keep a good sense of humour. It’s a phase and they do mature and come out of it by the mid20s at the latest.

Oh, and don’t compare your DD to a younger step daughter who has not started the teenage phase yet. She will start one day, probably a bit later (14-16) because she doesn’t live with her bio mum.

Mine are so little. I can't imagine this!

I had to keep going back and checking this is about a child who has just turned 12. How does she really even know what political party she wants to support?

Don’t put any expectations on her just nod and say ‘ok love’.

My eldest dd is 25 in august, we used to go in full circle of her hating me, me being ok, me being her best friend back to her hating me again.

Choose your battles and just nod and smile.

And you’ve labelled her with having a personality disorder when this is just totally normal behaviour, try not be so critical and over observant of her.

Glad to know this is normal. To be fair step dd isn't living with us and i have noticed that she is starting to get grumpy with her dad when she does come round...so getting there.
We had some lovely hugs today.

Im not phased by her having different beliefs than me...its the rubbishing of my values i find hard.

Im not phased by her having different beliefs than me...its the rubbishing of my values i find hard.

I know OP, but it's proof that you've done a good job. Keep on parenting and loving her, she'll come round.

Eventually.

Or maybe she won't, and she will be the opposite of your values. Your job is to love and support her anyway (with gritted teeth) my dd has stopped showering, cut her hair by herself on a whim and is now eating cereal at every meal time (15) You can do this the hard way or the easy way.....take it from me, the hard way is going to painful and cost you your mental health! So nod and smile is the way forward.