Defiant dd does the opposite of everything i say and wants to be the opposite of everything i stand for.

[malificent7]

Just turned 12 and is very hard work. I get that she wants to be her own person but she is quite extreme.
She dosn't want to join in any family activities...not even tv watching with us . If i try to limit screens there ate tantrums and actually she needs her phone to do school work.
She just seems to reject me as an inflience and role model ..normal as her peers are her main influence but i think she is making a point about me as she is very critical of who i am.
I love art and paint a lot but she has decided she hates it and wont do anything creative ( fine but i suspect it is as i like it and shes rebelling.)
She even supports an opposing political party .....again fine but she has said its because who i vote for is weird.
Yes...i get called weird a lot.
Every request is turned into an argument. She says she wants to be a vet but she dosn't work very hard at school so not sure how she will achieve this although i am proud.
She moans about our " embarassing " house but makes a mess herself.
I suspect she may have oppositional defiant disorder or something.
Her step sister idolises her mum and models herself round her but her mum had described step sister as very " compliant."
I have not voiced this comparison to dd but gosh life would be easier if she wasnt so oppositional.

Plus she can be masively rude and calls it " banter" and likes to comment on my appearance s lot.

Sorry but she sounds fairly normal to me. I think the trick is not to rise. Don’t try to influence her, she’s entitled to choose what she likes.
Just nod, smile supportively and show mild interest. She’ll grow out of it

She is spreading her wings, all of what you have said is pretty normal for that age sadly. However with independence comes responsibility so any punishments need to reflect that. Eg like all youngsters her phone means a lot to her so get her to chores to pay for it. Good luck.

My son is autistic, and can be very defiant. I did wonder at one point if he had ODD. I listened to people for years telling me his behaviour was normal for his age, or he was emotionally immature but would catch up, or he couldn't be autistic because he made eye contact, or that the problem was my lax parenting etc etc.

This put me off seeking a diagnosis, I let people convince me I was overthinking. But the older he got, the more obvious it got, to me, anyway, and eventually - and with the help of experienced mums of kids with SEN here - I felt confident enough to seek diagnosis. He was diagnosed with high functioning autism (what they used to call aspergers) when he was 10.

A friend of mine with an autistic DS was put off seeking diagnosis by teachers and friends till her DS was a teenager, he wasn't diagnosed till he was 14. I must admit, when he was little I can remember judging her and thinking his sometimes difficult behaviour was down to her parenting. I feel deeply ashamed of this now I've been on the other side of this.

So, although they mean well, posters telling you your DD's behaviour is normal for a teen possibly aren't that helpful. I mean, it's certainly possible there's no SEN, it's just hormones and she'll grow out of it - but I'm sure you know that already. If what you're asking is, could it be possible she has undiagnosed SEN, then the answer is yes, it could be.

I think I would want some boundaries around what she can say to you. Calling people weird is unkind. Thinking differently to you is fine.

To me, this doesn't sound like a situation you can ignore, but lots of strictness might not be the answer.

I was like this at this age. In hindsight I was just horribly insecure- everyone would have definitely thought the opposite and that I was a mouthy, cocky little madam but I was so uncomfortable with my self with very low self esteem. Not saying this is the same here of course, but maybe try to look at ways she can boost her confidence (real confidence not ‘banter’).

I also used to criticise my mum and appearance etc, actually again looking back she was quite closed minded and would pass comment on others, and think that the only way to do things was her way. Other ways of life, home management, appearances, cultures etc was ‘weird’ and spoke about negatively. Maybe make sure you’re not inadvertently doing this?

Finally don’t spoil or indulge. If she oversteps it pull her up, as a PP said encourage responsibility for chores. This will also help boost confidence especially if the job is a bit of a challenge/difficult.

I am deeply ashamed about how I behaved but I can see where it was coming from now and it was fear, lack of self esteem and confidence

I also agree with eleventy that it could be more than 'a phase' and trying to change it might help to work that out.

Has she always been like this or is it more recent? I hated my Mum when I was her age but a lot of that was due to my parents seperating and my Mum did do a lot wrong at that time.

I acted the same though, I didn't throw tantrums but I disagreed with everything she said and stood for.

I made judgemental comments to her and about her, found her and our home endlessly embarassing and was constantly contrary.

If I was obviously enjoying something and she said she liked it too, i'd reject it straight away and say whatever it was was actually rubbish or pathetic. I even rejected my heritage (Mum is from Irish parents but born in England) and if she mentioned anything about Ireland i'd make comments such as 'you're not even properly Irish, why are you so desperate to be Irish, we're English'. And my 'banter' was pretty offensive about Irish people (even though that's my family!), I didn't mean any of it, I just wanted to be the opposite of her.

If she supported Ireland in a rugby match, i'd support whoever they were playing against!

So, could be very normal. Especially if something has happened more recently or even in the past, that affected your relationship.

I grew out of it. We're pretty close now many years on.

If it is just a phase, and to be honest it can be a long phase, then I find a really effective technique is telling my teenagers that it is really normal and important that they develop into an independent adult and that part of that involves rejecting some of my views and values and that is an important life stage. I leave the door open so that I might say that they might change their minds but they might not when they are older and that it is important that they find their own way and values in life.

I can vividly remember the political 'debates' with my family about how awful I thought Mrs Thatcher was and how injust the Conservative party was. I was told that my views were wrong, that when I grew up I would understand the real issues, but nope. I would probably now fall into the champagne socialist category but still I would never vote Conservative. If anything my dc are more extreme left than I am. I would like to think that some of my political views rub off on them but if they don't then it is only politics.

I also acknowledge that they are growing up in a different time to me and that they will view things differently due to the time they live in. I discuss how racist things were in the 80s and the influence that will have had on our generation too. I was discussing the influence on my generation of the British empire for example.

I find that supportive rationalism is a great tool to defuse a teenage argument 'oh that's a shame you don't like to draw anymore, I probably didn't when I was your age either. It is important anyway that you develop your own views and interests. It would be a little strange if as a teenager you had exactly the same interests as me. I imagine my interests are a little weird to you. What do you like doing?'

To be fair it is probably intensely annoying when as a parent you are incredibly rational and supportive but they find it much harder to argue against. I reserve my displeasure for the things that really matter to me for example drugs, but even then I would like to think that I would be supportive of my child while doing all I can to help them.

I certainly do not criticise other people or cultures as weird....i am well travelled and very open minded and always pull dd up on what can be racist or homophobic comments! For example she once said..." that's so gay! " and i gave her a talking too about how that was an inappropriate turn of phrase!! I am excentric so never call anyone else weird apart from myself!

I have two oppositional children, one with SEN and one with as yet undiagnosed MH issues. In both cases this behaviour is 100% anxiety showing itself. If they get pre warnings of what will be happening, extra time for any transitions between activities(this is ANY activity, even putting on of shoes, needs extra time), and choices for everything, the anxiety reduces and they oppositional behaviour goes.

I am liberal...she is conservative.
I hate to compare but my step daughter who is just a year younger dotes on her mum and described her as the " oracle" . Dd is the other extreme...i know notjing!

She is very insecure ...obsessed about her looks etc but she is a stunner. I am not the kind of person who goes on about looks either. ...im not interested in all that.

She has never met her dad but he emails her sporadically...this makes her feel bad. She also suffers from panic attacks which started when she was quite young and heard zbout her great uncle's pacemaker.

And yes...very anxious.

She’s 12.
Stop trying to mould her into a “mini-me”, let her find herself for who she is & who she’s going to be. Definitely stop comparing her to your step daughter.
I do agree though that name calling is not on!

There's nothing more embarrassing as a 12 year old than an eccentric parent. Of course you shouldn't change, but a 12 year old wants to fit in so badly. She's trying to mould you into something boring, quiet and meek.

You might 'hate to compare' but you've mentioned your Step-Daughter twice in just a handful of posts. How she idolises and dotes on her Mum, models herself on her Mum and calls her 'the oracle'.

You obviously want that from your daughter but you just don't have that kind of relationship at the moment i'm afraid.

Why does she have to watch TV with you? Stop talking politics with her. Just do your art stuff but if she isn't interested just don't try to involve her. If she wants to be a vet just say "ok" don't go on about how she's doesn't do enough school work.
She is 12. That's what they do.

Very often children who "rebel" are strong characters ,who need to find out what their place in life is .She is coming up to the teenage years when she will want to kick against the traces ,and become her own person rather than your DD!I think to cut her some slack here, as others have said .Children who can think for themselves are often highly intelligent and want to find out their own way in life even when quite young .Every parent is different and comparing your own DD with your DSD is not helpful!

I suspect she may have oppositional defiant disorder or something

Oh, FFS. Maybe you could redirect the energy you're putting into bullshit diagnoses into reading about child development. It is normal to try to push away from parents. It is also normal to push boundaries to test that parents' love is secure and unconditional (especially given the treatment and rejection she has received from her father) - you rejecting her for doing it is going to be damaging.

I hate to compare but my step daughter who...

Then stop doing it. You've already gone on about your perfect stepdaughter who worships her mother twice on here. I'd be shocked if your daughter wasn't aware you make these comparisons and judge her to be inadequate.

She has never met her dad but he emails her sporadically...this makes her feel bad.

Well, it would. Quite the dripfeed. Of course that would have a massive impact on her self esteem and relationships. Do you take any account of that when you're busy rejecting her as well or when you are commenting on her inadequacies compared to other children? Good grief, the kid doesn't stand a chance.

Put your child's needs first and stop expecting her to validate you. It's your job to meet her needs, not hers to meet yours. Step the fuck up.

Your step daughter has time to rebel yet. To be honest I think your step daughter is more unusual. So what if her beliefs are Conservative and you are Liberal. Firstly don't put her in a position where she has to have her ideas entrenched so don't make life all about politics, and don't say she is wrong. Many people do vote Conservative.

I would challenge the use of language but you could do it in a 'not in front of me' approach and highlight the possible implications if for example said to a teacher.

And stop comparing them. Concentrate on the issues that are genuine problems so not liking art, different political views is not really a problem just a different opinion. Being prejudiced is wrong. Honestly though telling her how proud you are that she is developing her own views and opinions will be the death knell in many arguments. Pick your battles is even more appropriate in the teenage years than the toddler ones.

Look...i never voice my comparisons to dd ...i just feel it inwardly. I am a bit jealous that step dd dosnt swear at her mum etc and seems more easy going and easy to parent.
I am very proud that dd is her own person and i never dictate political views to her...i don't want ther to be a mini me.
When i say excentric i mean that i am not into the whole love island/ only way is essex look and i don't own a big house or car ( all essential in dds eyes). I dont wear crazy clothes or have a crazy look or any odd hobbies unless you count art.
I am not nothered that dd dosn't like my hobbies...i am more bothered that at the moment her phone is her only hobby and any attempt at trying to encourage other interests is met with resistance so its easier to let her get on with it.
She loves textiles...i bought a sewing machine for the family to use...including her. She is now not interested...i don't mind though as it is a useful purchase .

And actually i do step up user 12whatever...i never voice these worries to her but it is very draining to be called wierd and crap continuously. She might want to mold me into something meak and boring...a walking cook and cash machine but she has to learn that isn't me.

But from experience on mumsnet i expect i will not be listened to and just slated further by some. But i will listen to all the CONSTRUCTIVE advice on here.

Does she expect you to cook for her and wash her clothes?
My son went through a properly shitty stage at 14 so I made him do his own laundry and cooking. i said I was too busy as I was working full time.
That cut the attitude for sure.

Actually...she put her own load in the washing machine for the first time in forever this morning and has cooked us a few yummy meals in lockdown...to much praise...so it's not all bad.
She loves small children, animals and old people so she can be very kind...just not towards me!