12 year old dd spending too much time on laptop

[twosoups1972]

Dd is 12 and recently bought herself a reconditioned laptop with money she had saved up over the years. It's her pride and joy and she is very fussy about it, looks after it well etc.

However she seems to think that because she bought it with her own money, we can't put any rules in place. At weekends, she's spending a lot of time on it, mainly watching stuff on Youtube or Netflix.

She has a phone which I limit the time on - 1.5 hours each school day and a bit longer at weekends, although I am flexible with this and will sometimes add more time occasionally if needed.

She has ASD so I need to tread carefully. She hates rules/being nagged etc but the amount of time on her laptop does annoy me.

I've suggested to her that we compromise and agree some ground rules, and in return I won't nag! But I don't think she likes this idea (she also has a PDA profile).

Can't decide whether to let this go or put some rules in place....

Oh and I should add that she keeps the laptop on her desk in her room charging overnight which I'm not too happy about either (phone left downstairs). But she argues that her older sisters (16 and 18) do the same!

She's 12, your the parent.

Put some rules in place.

Laptop downstairs
Do you have access to check what she is doing on it?

So what would be reasonable rules? So many hours per day or turn it off by a certain time?

This is all new territory for me - my older girls obviously have their tech but things have changed so much in just a few years.....and when they were younger they weren't on their screens so much.

@Wildorchidz no I don't, I have access to her phone but not the laptop. She keeps making the point that she's getting older, she's sensible, she can be trusted.

Stop her then

And no, she is 12. By definition she cannot be trusted.

She’s a child. Put rules in place now.

Yes thank you. As I said this is a whole new ball game plus we're still getting our heads round the autism diagnosis (last year) so I'm still navigating the discipline issue.

What would be sensible rules regarding the laptop?

Only got little children myself but I'd google it - maybe find a children's charity / keeping safe on the internet charity or similar who give advice for what's age appropriate

Technology is amazing but also scary. She’s 12. Protect her and put a time limit. I wish I’d not seen some of things I had seen online at that age.

@babo how much time would you recommend for her age?

And leave it downstairs overnight?

If she is using Windows and you have another computer, you can set up parental controls by having a Microsoft account for both of you and linking them.

This lets you set up both times when she is allowed to use it (each day), and the length of use during those hours. In the hols you can adjust the times. You can get a weekly email report of how much she is using it.

If the control says that the PC is locked after 8pm then it doesn't matter if it is in her bedroom or downstairs, she won't be able to use it. Also I wouldn't let it be used in the morning before she usually leaves for school. So non-use hours are typically 20.00 to 08.30.

When the time runs out, she has an option to ask for an extension, either "my parent is here" to input a password, or by email. And you can give it, or not.

Don't forget that at 12 she is not allowed to have most social media accounts, or her own email account. But in 1 year she can. I would set up the email account so that everything she sends or receives is automatically copied to your account.

Also if you/she has an iPhone you can set up tracking - in her phone edit the contact for yourself to add "share my location" AND you can set up "find my iphone" and link it to your iCloud account. Either or both will work.

There are similar parental controls in android phones/tablets.

Thank you @filka She does have an iPhone and her laptop is a MacBook.

For her phone, I limit her time directly from the phone with a password that I set. Is there similar for the MacBook?

I'm afraid I don't know, we have Windoze PCs, but my first guess would be that the phone and Macbook are controlled together as they are on one Apple ID. My second thought would be that if that is the case, it may be worth trying to set up a second Apple ID for the laptop to enable it to have different hours. But then she'd lose the benefits of having several devices linked. But I'm sure it will be technically possible somehow.

I’d deffo make sure she did all her browsing in the family room - where you’re around to keep an eye on her. I can’t really tell you a time limit as she may have homework which might need a computer. You’ll have to figure that out. But please do, I say that because as someone late in their 20s I have issues and things I have to deal with now because I was exposed to soo much at her age.

I have a 12 year old DD with ASD and ADHD. She is not allowed any internet device of her own or in her room. She is only allowed to go on the internet for homework, supervised. Our neurodivergent girls are extremely vulnerable online, and I learnt this the hard way. Even more so than neurotypical kids. You sound way too lax about this.

I think limiting tech is actually very difficult for this age.

You need to consider

• using the laptop for schoolwork (all of my DC's homework is online and they often have homework where the type an answer or do something like create a presentation)
• using the laptop for watching Youtube/Netflix - is this any different to watching TV, and do you/would you have restrictions on watching TV?
• reading a book using an eReader
• reading articles/news etc online - my DS regularly reads the news and also current affairs articles (he is surprisingly knowledgeable about US politics, for example)

The trouble is that some of these you might perceive as "good" uses of the laptop and some "not good" - but the lines tend to get quite blurred.

I've always found the best way to get tween/teens off tech is to encourage them to do other things, rather than try to impose limits!

But yes, there should be a "no tech overnight" rule.

@user1573334 yes that’s why I want to put some restrictions in place now. How does your dd feel about the rules, does she complain?

@RedskyLastNight yes good point, on the plus side, dd does a lot of dance classes after sch and on Sat morning which is great for her and keeps her fit. We all need some downtime and I don’t think it’s helpful to be overly strict, I want to find a happy medium. Dd watches a lot of dance stuff on YouTube and looks for clothes/leotards online. I checked her history earlier today and there was nothing untoward there, it’s just how much I have an issue with!

I am now thinking of saying 9pm deadline for laptop. That should give her enough time to finish homework on it and do a bit of fun stuff. I’ve set her phone downtime to 9pm too so consistent.

Next challenge will be to decide on how much laptop time per school day/weekend...

I would limit the screen time on the macbook too. If I remember well, the parental control by apple is called "Family sharing", it's worth installing it on both laptop and phone to check online activities in addiction to limit time (it will be even much more useful in the next teen years).

About maximum screen time, for what I've found online by experts and some studies the recommended one is 1 hour a day for kids under 12yo and 2hours a day for teens 13-18yo. That includes every screen, TV, phone, tablet, computer... for both school works and fun. So if she is watching TV and/or using tablets at school, it's still reasonable to limit her phone and laptop screen time both to 1hour a day past 12yo too.
It's recommended also to block the devices one hour before bedtime to avoid over excitement and bad sleep, and of course during the night.

Thank you @Mary8076 I actually spoke to Apple yesterday regarding another issue and they said with the new software update, you can control screen time on the mac in the same way as you can on an iPhone. So I'm going to do a system update and do that.

Do you have any links for the 2 hours/day screen time? It does seem a bit unrealistic for teens using screens for studying. My middle dd is dyspraxic and studying for A Levels, she uses her laptop pretty much all the time in lessons.

@twosoups1972 Sorry for the late reply, I was really busy these days. Anyway, some link I read were these, in addiction to others I cannot find now:
www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2018/01/22/one-hour-day-perfect-amount-screen-time-teens/

ifstudies.org/blog/new-findings-add-twist-to-screen-time-limit-debate

("After one hour a day of use, children and teens who spent more time on screens were lower in psychological well-being" ... "Not only does this study suggest that specific time limits on screen time are justified for preschoolers, it also makes the case for screen time limits for school-age children and teens.")

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211335518301827

www.familyfirst.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/WE-NEED-TO-TALK-Screentime-Full-Report.pdf
(Ideal discretionary DST limits are:
3 - 5 years: 0.5 – 1 hour/day
5 - 7 years: 1 – 1.5 hour/day
7 - 12 years: 1 – 1.5 hour/day
12 - 15 years: 1.5 – 2 hour/day
16+: 2 hour/day)

So someone says even 1hour a day of maximum screen time! I know it's hard to follow and in many days it's unrealistic due their homework and screens at school. IMO the best approach is just using the parental control to limiting the phone use to 1 hour, block the installation of any app promoting phone addiction, limit the PC use to 1 or 2 hours a day, as ground rule... then day to day be flexible to let occasionally more time when there's a checked genuine need (maybe more time on PC and less or not at all on phone).
The goal is two hours a day (or even one), that is the best but even if we cannot reach it, more the actual time spent on screen is closed to that, much better is for the teen.

I have a 12yo DD (not ASD though) and I agree with Redsky's post. It's not the fact that she's paid it that makes it trickier to put time limits on it, it's the fact that she will genuinely be using it for schoolwork, so it becomes very tricky to keep track of limits.

Our rule is - no screens after 8.30pm and screens stay downstairs overnight. Also agree re encouraging her to do other activities rather than just banning screens.

I think 9pm seems quite late? I think you should have phones / computers off at least hour before bedtime for kids.

Also I would say 12 is not the same as 16. Different ages have different rules, and that’s life.

@Ohnononono it IS a bit later than I would like but dd is a night owl and not in bed before 10pm. We've had rows about that too but she says she can't get to sleep any earlier. She gets up fine for school so maybe it's enough sleep for her.