Not to tell aunt that cousin is embarrassed of her age

[blubelle7]

A bit of background. My aunt(DA) is 56 and has one daughter (DCo - my cousin) who is 11 years old. DCo and my DS1 go to the same school. I often pick up DCo and DS1 from school and activities as DA is often busy and travels for work. I have been ferrying DCo around most of the school holiday as am on maternity leave.

I took DCo out 10 pin bowling last week with her friends but had to leave halfway, when something came up. I called DA to come if possible, but she was busy so said her DH would come. I pulled DCo aside to explain why DS3 and I had to leave and told her dad would be coming. Long story short, I leave to take a call and come back to overhear DCo referring to me as her SM and dad's partner and DA as her nan, not her mum. I ignore the situation, her dad arrives and leave.

Yesterday I am taking DCo to her dance class (with the same friendship group from last week) and ask her what she meant when talking to her friends and why she was lying to her friends. DCo bursts into tears and she basically said she is embarrassed of her mum being "too old", and older than her friends' mums. She says her friends' mums are my age (I'm 29) and since I do the pick up everyone thinks I'm her SM (since she calls me by name) and DS3 is her baby brother, and begs me not to tell her mum, dad or friends as she doesn't want to hurt her mum's feelings. She says she hates it when DA comes to school as it embarrasses her.

DA is 56 and looks it (not in a disparaging way - but can we just as women be allowed to age naturally without having to suck, pluck and inject everything), she dresses well and is very put together and quite attractive. DA's (DCo's dad) DH is in his 40s and looks very young and athletic.

Cue long conversation about real friends not caring, how unfair it is to mum, that all these superficial things don't matter and DA loves her so much and not to entertain friends who make fun of her for such silly things.

My heart was broken hearing this. Honestly is this normal? DH thinks I should tell DA but I'm torn. Why is the world so cruel, ageist and anti-women?

I don’t think I would tell your Aunt. I would worry about her daughter a lot though... that’s quite a back story she’s invented and living a lie/knowing she is a dishonest person must be difficult to say the least. I’m surprised all her friends had babies when they were teenagers too. 45 is late to have a baby but, certainly where I live, it would be rarer to have mums in late teens than mid 40s.

If she’s 11 is she starting a different school in September? It would maybe be a good time to encourage an end to the lie.

I went to junior and early senior school with girls with parents of a similar age to your Aunt. No one batted an eyelid.

I went to a school for a bit where the mums were (to me) very young. I, too, was 11, my mum would been 53, and I got a lot of comments like “is that your Nan?” (In a sneery way, they knew full well she was my mum). I braved it out, didn’t deny my mum, but wanted to assure you it’s maybe not uncommon for kids to be shitty about it and for the owner of an older mum to be a bit embarrassed.

Final sentence was meant to suggest, is it internal pressure from your cousin or are other children actually making fun? Because I can remember one girl saying she hated that everyone thought her Mum was her Nan but until she said that none of us had realised that’s what she thought. We just accepted it and never brought it up!

At that age, bravado goes along way. “yeah my Mum is a bit older but I actually love it. She had a really interesting life before she had me and she’s done loads of things that she wouldn’t have been able to have done if she’d had me younger. It’s actually made me think I don’t want to have kids when I’m in my teens or twenties either. I want to see the world and work my way up in a challenging career for a while so that I can afford to give my kids a great life when they come along. I love my mum, she’s my hero!”

I can guarantee that kind of attitude would shut any negative comments down.

Sounds as though your cousin is at an age / stage where she feels self conscious. You’ve done your bit by having a chat with her. I don’t think anything would be gained by you telling her mum, who may already be aware of her daughter’s discomfort anyway. Hopefully things will even themselves out over time.

Yes the lie and backstory is quite scary. Most of her friends mums are early 30s to mid 30s. I'm not sure if the lie is "self-imposed " by feeling self-conscious or from direct bullying. I will definitely encourage her to end the lie when she starts a new school next month. I'm also not sure if this lie extends to her school friends or just this friend group from dance class. I agree there is no need to tell DA about this, what would it honestly achieve except make her feel bad about something she cannot change.

She's 11 and most of her friends' mums are early 30s? So had them at 19/20/21?

Round this way, it would be those mums who stick out and the older mums wouldn't be so unusual! A baby at 45 is perhaps not the norm but babies at between 38 and 42 isn't abnormal in any way.

I wouldn't tell your Aunt - what's to be gained? She'll just be upset by it. You've done the right thing by talking to your niece and saying that families come in all shapes and sizes.

Yeah it is quite early to have children. I had DS1 at 25 which is quite early (certainly earlier than all my friends who are 28 to 37 and still busy with careers, living life, not ready or still-q finding Mr. Right).

I was lucky to have been far along in my career by the time I had DS1 that it was something I could, wanted and was in a position to choose to do so. People make different decisions and most choose to wait now (very sensibly) to have children.

Aunt is such an amazing mum and woman, she has led an amazing life, I hope my cousin will see past her embarrassment one day and appreciate her mum.

I think it may possibly break her mum's heart if you told her. I would not because I really feel it would be mean to her mother. On the other hand, I wouldn't confirm this lie with her friends. I'd likely ignore any questions/ references to the situation by the people she's lied to. Poor lady.

I never made any stories up (cos I had no friends, haha!) but I was ashamed of my mum and dad and how old they were compared to the other parents.
It happened from a very early age, I remember I was about 5 and I told my mum specifically that I didn't want my dad to come to a play I was in , I was playing a sheep!
I was doing my bit and I looked into the crowd and I saw my dad was there and I immediately started crying, and he had to leave.

That must have been awful for him but it's just how I felt for many many years.

I'm getting married next year and I would still prefer it if my parents didn't attend! Isn't that terrible?

And yet, when women in their 40s on here ask about having kids later this very point is never mentioned. But it should be - because it obviously can be an issue and should be taken into consideration.

I dunno, it would possibly hurt you aunt’s feelings but maybe she needs to know so that she can do stuff with your DN to boost her self esteem? She shouldn’t be feeling embarrassed.

I’m an older mum and reasonably young looking, but I’m disabled and when I went to watch DS play football recently I needed help to walk down the touch line and a chair to sit on.

DS(13) told me that at school one of his team mates had asked, “Did your Gran enjoy watching you play football?” DS told me this quite cheerily in a “How stupid is he?” kind of way. He wasn’t bothered in the slightest.

To be honest I abandoned my attempt to go stylishly grey and dyed my hair shortly afterwards.

Yes it's quite normal. I knew a few people at school with older mums and dad's and they were embarrassed. I was embarrassed of my mum because she was older than the other mums and she was 32 when she had me so not old at all, infact a pretty normal age. I wouldn't go anywhere with my parents from the age of about 11 because they embarrassed me so much. I'm ashamed to admit that now, and feel terrible guilt because I think they knew it.

It's so strange how it differs by region. When I lived in North London I was generally the youngest
Mum at baby groups at 28. Lots of lots of 40+ mums. Now we live in the West Country and I'm definitely in the "old mums" club. The mums of my DDs friends are 5-10 years younger.

I think if this crops up next time, just tell her that her friends’ mums were very young to have children and if they tease her she can ask them why their mums were only 18/19/20 when they had them and if they even went to uni. At 11 I have no doubt this is as a result of bullying and she needs to develop the tools to challenge taunts back with both barrels

Drogo don’t feel guilty, it’s perfectly natural. Fitting in is really important, especially at this sort of age. I’m an old mum and I do feel for my children but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Apart from, like the OP’s ain’t, make sure I’m always well turned out, etc.
Not to sound too holier-than-thou but I’ve actually hinted to DC’s that if it gets to the stage where they’d rather I made myself scarce than embarrass them, I will do so.

Human nature being what is, I doubt if anyone thinking they might have a longed-for child Persea would say “cheers but it’s okay, I wouldn’t want to be an embarrassment ..* The women (and men) who are feeding the multi-million pound infertility industry would in most cases, do anything to have a child.

I’m afraid your post came across like those that ask the question (of women in dire domestic circumstances) “why did you have a child with him/second child with him?” That is, smug and I-told-you-so. Once the children are already on the planet, was is to be done?

OP I promise you the aunt won’t be unaware of her dd’s embarrassment. I feel so bad for your cousin lying.

Interestingly, my mother was young when she had me but she more importantly she looked really young for her age. She was very attractive and had fabulous dress sense. When I was a teenager boys used to say is that your mother ? Incredulously.
I hated it. Me being ancient is obviously some sort of pay back.

That’s my point though @Walkamileinmyshoes - people do do anything to have a child. And maybe don’t think about the child.
More thinking about their own wants/wishes.

@Elmo311 yes it's "really bad" that as a grown adult you're still fixated on your parents' ages. The 11 year old in the OP os one thing but a green woman??

yeah, you’re right. I couldn’t give a fuck about my kids. It’s all “me, me, me”.
I’m guessing you’re not a psychologist, or obstetrician, or anthropologist. Or come to think of it, possessed with common sense.

You got it all right in your life, did you?
Career ✅
Marriage ✅
Children at the right time ✅
Doing a good job of parenting ✅
Keeping up your career ✅
Not carrying out your life as a patronising busybody ✅

That was to the lovely Persea

one thing but a green woman

Grown woman. GROWN.

Oh don’t be so bloody ridiculous Walk
I’m simply saying, as well you know, that sometimes I think older parents may put their own desires ahead of the potential child.

@OtraCosaMariposa It's less about their age now and more about how they are, either way I know it's not very nice of me.

@Persea - and younger parents don’t put their desires ahead of the child? All the cases of child abuse I’ve seen recently were incurred by women under 40.

Thank you for your replies. I will show DH this thread so he stops pushing me to tell aunt (he can lack tact sometimes), as He is really concerned about her lying and thinks it needs to be addressed. But as some PP have said, this happens and is normal sometimes. At least she understands it is wrong, and mean to acknowledge her dad in public but not her mum.