My 11 year old DS is still on his screen at midnight!

[user1483390742]

I am sick to death of the 9pm fight every night with him when i take his phone/ipad. He shouts,sulks, fucks me right off EVERY NIGHT with it and i am so so fed up.
Tonight i told DH to take charge and went to bed at 9pm. I have just woken up and DS' light is still on and he is still on his phone! I'm bloody livid!
Any advice other than leave them both?

[Coolaschmoola]

Take it off him for however long it takes to get him to comply without fuss?

My dd switches off at 8pm. If she kicks off, refuses or sneaks back on she loses it for 24 hours. End of story.

She learnt very quickly that kicking off had a much less pleasant outcome.

[Coolaschmoola]

Don't fight with him either. He shouts - it's gone for 24 hours.

[WombOfHerOwn]

Turn off the WiFi. Change the password until he gets the message. Confiscate the gadgets for a few days etc etc.

And most importantly, give your DH a kick up the arse and get him on the same page so that he also keeps to the rules around phones & iPads.

[Thatsnotmyotter]

Nip this in the bud now OP. I had unlimited access to my laptop (phones were crap back then) at a similar age and through my teens and it buggered my sleep patterns and I think probably had a significant impact on my mental health. It took me until I was in my 20s and living with my (now) DH to develop healthy sleep habits.

(I’m aware of the irony of posting this from my phone in bed but in my defense I can’t get the baby to sleep! 😬)

[typoqueen]

We had the same thing with DD 11 years old, simple solution was all phones, laptops etc were taken out of the room at 9pm every night including weekends and holidays and the WI fi was turned off, TV was put on a timer (9.30) and the remote removed so she could not turn it on again tantrums were met with the same consequences during the day. 2 months on and she brings it all down herself and usually asleep by 9.30 no tantrums :)

[sugarbum]

I feel your pain. DS1 is nearly 12 and has no time after 8pm. (I control his pc access through windows 10)
However I usually forget to ask for his phone until later, and then generally have a battle with him. (Unless its out of charge and he willingly hands it over) I'm so tired of the battle.

[BlueChampagne]

Google Family Link lets you set limits on usage, and a bedtime for devices.

[MrsSB99]

My 11 year old surrenders here at 7.30pm no fights if she even bothers with it at all. She then has an hour reading or writing and is usually asleep by 9.

She does not take it too bed at all. iPads are in the room but only allowed first thing in the morning, phones with permission.

Follow the rules or it’s gone for a week, attitude over the loss and another week gets added. Never had a problem

[gubbsywubbsy]

The Wi-fi goes off in my dd bedroom at 9 .. simples .. take it off him if he can't do as he is told though .

[Freshprincess]

I don’t let mine take theirs upstairs after we’ve had dinner. Being caught with it upstairs means they don’t see it again for a whole day. Arguing/shouting and sulking and I take it away.

[molemonkey]

Download family link app! You set the rules on it and the device he uses is controlled by YOU. So you can see it so that he can only make phone calls and text between certain hours. You can also see exactly what apps they have used and for how long. Also their location.

[pilates]

Arguing/shouting and it gets banned the following night and give your husband a kick up the arse he should be supporting you.

[BlackPrism]

Turn the WiFi off

[Ivegotthree]

Take his phone off him! Ours is locked away

[Teacher18]

Please take it off him and limit use generally. Even better, get him a non smart phone. I posted something similar about my 10 year old and the XBox and he’s not allowed to play at all during the week. It might seem harsh and he will kick off for at least a few days (My DSs did) but it really is better in the long run.

I teach at secondary school and you should see the 16 yo who literally can’t stay off their phones for 5 mins. We’ve now introduced a policy that we confiscate them for the day if they are seen using them in class. The younger ones already struggle with this but the 16 year olds get actively anxious if they don’t have their phones at all times. You can see it’s an addiction as some of them pace up and down the class getting angry. They often tell me how they’re on phones until 4 in the morning and then can’t concentrate in class and it all starts when they are 9,10,11 and get their first phone.

This is Without mentioning the huge problem of cyber bullying which we see right from the off in Y7 and some serious mental health or anxiety issues off the back of it. Or what they can get access to regardless of child filters. Last year we had a case of a Y8 sending round a child pornography video he’d found on YouTube which we had supposedly firewalled. Many of our pupils 11-14 have seen pornography and often the boys will talk about girls as if they are all porn stars and there to be used and some of the girls will try to live up to that expectation. And I’d love to say all this only happens in schools in rough areas where parent involvement is low but it doesn’t. My DD went to a top public school and the girls were given all the education on online safety by both school and home and several of them still were posting nude photos of themselves either to specific boys in other boarding schools or on a ‘posh’ dating site. They knew the dangers and consequences, they just didn’t care.

You can educate them as much as you like about online safety and how the adult world won’t accept that level of phone use at work but the facts are that as children on the whole, they do what the people aronund them are doing or what they think will impress othersand they most can’t self regulate and as adults we don’t know the long term effects of being on a screen for hours on end, physical or emotional and I bet 99% of us parents have no idea what kids can and do look at and use online. New sites appear regularly.

Apologies if it feels like scaremongering when all your trying to do is limit screen time, but working in a school really can be an eye opener as to how it all begins and I’m frequently shocked by even really good kids’ behaviour with phones, the online content they view and what they post about themselves. As a teacher, it feels like the only real focus of children online is the risk of radicalisation which although important to minimise will only affect a minority of children whereas the clear increase in children accessing inappropriate sexual or violent online content and their reliance on social media to shape their self esteem is largely acknowledged and ignored and affects a much larger group of kids.

[Storminateacup74]

I am lucky as we don't own an xbox or playstation however my hubby is thinking of purchasing one to keep our kids quiet!! They both have phones but only really use them to access music and insta but never too excess. The reason why is because both my kids are theatrical and every waking moment is spent singing dancing and performing. We are having to but a ban on it though as seriously it does your head in continually. Performing only for a hour in the morning and 2 hours at night. We have just got Netflix and are going to install it on my daughters laptop to see if maybe she can get into watching something performing related. They are never quiet and sometimes I think wouldn't it be lovely to just have technology give me a bit of peace. Seriously though I know it is a huge problem in some families I just wish mine would give me a but of peace sometimes!

[Wallywobbles]

We use ourpact app. It works pretty well.

[ballsdeep]

Just take it off him?

[Slowknitter]

Every time he makes a fuss about it, take it off him for 3 days instead of just for the night. If that doesn't work, just take it off him altogether.

[OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny]

Set a time (9pm is too late in my opinion) and stick to it. Obviously you need to make sure your DH sticks to it too.

You need to be consistent.

Any arguments or shouting then you impose a screen free 24 hours.

[Sexnotgender]

Just take it off him! If he’s difficult then he loses it for 24 hours. Be consistent and be the adult that he needs you to be.

[SilverGiraffe7]

I use OurPact too. An alarm on my 14 year old DS's phone goes off at 8:45pm and he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing before all his apps disappear at 8:50..
I find life much more peaceful once I stopped telling him to come off and letting the phone do it for me - much less confrontational and DS doesn't murmur now. (Any argument about it sets it back 15 minutes each time. Didn't take many of those!)

[Cantbelieveit101]

We have strict rules about devices and have had since day 1.

If they don't like it or try and get around them they lose their phone/computer/ipad for the next day.

They are used to the rules and we haven't had any problems for months.

[Harriedharriet]

Our pact. Excellent.
Try it OP but 9 PM is very late. Earlier and he gets s chance to wind down, read a book and have a peaceful evening.

[FentonForChristsakeFenton]

@Teacher18 - totally agree. For this reason, when mine got phones/iPads etc the rule was always that they were charged downstairs at night. No fighting, no negotiating, when they go to their bedrooms they can read, play guitar, draw, whatever but NO tech. It’s a complete non-issue. And my dc love tech so it’s not that they aren’t interested. I am so glad we set up this rule for exactly the reasons that Teacher18 has said. It gives dc a break from being constantly bombarded and constantly accessible which I think is essential. Parenting teens is a nightmare and I have made so many mistakes but this is one (tiny) area where I am sure we got it right.

OP you need to just physically remove your ds’s phone. It’s really simple, he obviously can’t be trusted with it. Every time he kicks off when it is time to hand it over, it’s removed for 24 hrs. It’s very simple. He won’t like it but it will benefit everyone in the end and if you don’t set boundaries now it will only get worse as he gets older. I feel for you. Ruddy teens.