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Preteens

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Original poster

13 year old wont kiss Grandma

38 replies

Yogamad · 13/02/2019 21:29

My daughter is 13, she sees my mother in law a few times a year. Last weekend when we were leaving my MIL asked my daughter to kiss her, my daughter went over and offered her head to be kissed but would not kiss her Grandma. MIL went mad and eventually stomped off saying I had to teach DD to behave better. This isn't the first time this has happened but was the worse reaction so far. My DD is not the kissy type and doesn't really like anyone except me and her Dad giving her a kiss. I don't know whether to force DD to kiss MIL or how to explain to MIL without offending her. She said things like "Well she obviously doesn't like me" and "I am your Gran for goodness sake" It was all very awkward. Unfortunately seeing her again very soon so any advice appreciated. Thanks p.s. this is my first ever post so sorry if I have not used correct protocol.

OP posts:
JellycatElfie · 13/02/2019 21:31

No way would I force my child to kiss anyone. Tell her where to go!

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 13/02/2019 21:32

Er, I wouldn't force your daughter to kiss anyone she doesn't want to. Instead stand up for her right to bodily autonomy.
Is Mil always so needy?

dementedpixie · 13/02/2019 21:32

I wouldn't force a kiss tbh. Would she hug? A kiss is very personal

Bryjam · 13/02/2019 21:32

What have the past 13 years been like?

Floralnomad · 13/02/2019 21:32

I wouldn’t be seeing her again shortly and don’t be surprised if your daughter stops going at all .

PlasticPatty · 13/02/2019 21:32

Absolutely do not force your child to kiss anyone.
Trust the child.
Tell MIL, when it comes up, that you all have to respect your dd's choice in this matter.

FannyFifer · 13/02/2019 21:33

You're daughter should never be made to kiss anyone she doesn't want to.

joystir59 · 13/02/2019 21:34

No child should have to kiss, hug, touch or be kissed hugged or touched against their will. Ever.

Cheesycheesytwist · 13/02/2019 21:34

You wouldn't actually consider forcing your DD to kiss her would you?!? Jesus, ever heard of body autonomy and consent?! No need for drama, just point out she doesn't like kissing people and you obviously won't make her. I don't even encourage DC to hug/kiss anyone, it's their choice!

TheFaerieQueene · 13/02/2019 21:34

You daughter must always have autonomy over her body. Telling her to kiss someone she doesn’t want to is completely unacceptable. Your MIL sounds like a bloody nightmare.

FlagFish · 13/02/2019 21:34

I wouldn’t force my DD to kiss her Grandma. Can she think in advance of a sentence like “Sorry Grandma, I'm not a person who likes kissing, but it was really great to see you today!” with a big smile.

Lemoneeza · 13/02/2019 21:34

it's tricky but you need to speak up for your dd here. it will be invaluable for her to know you're on her side.
mil probably won't like it however you word it, but stand firm.

Meet0nTheledge · 13/02/2019 21:35

No one should ever feel obliged to kiss someone unless they want to, same for any physical contact. Children need to know they can say no to being touched without needing to explain or justify themselves.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/02/2019 21:35

No child should be forced to kiss anyone. Does your mil really want to be kissed out of obligation and politeness... how horrible!

user1493413286 · 13/02/2019 21:36

You’re daughter shouldn’t be forced to kiss anyone if she doesn’t want to; it’s her body and she can choose who can and can’t touch it and who she touches.
I would just explain to your mother in law that she doesn’t like kisses and it’s nothing to do with whether she likes a person or not and you’re teaching her that it’s ok. If she wants to be offended then that’s her business

ReaganSomerset · 13/02/2019 21:37

Don't make her kiss her gran. If she doesn't want to she doesn't have to.

thefirst48 · 13/02/2019 21:37

She's 13 ffs! At 13 I wasn't kissing any family member! Your MIL is behaving like a brat.

ChakiraChakra · 13/02/2019 21:37

What an OTT reaction from your MIL!

I can get that things have changed, especially very recently with regards to girls especially being taught bodily autonomy, and that maybe in your MIL's generation it was acceptable to force a child to be kissed by a relative. Times have changed.

I have a friend who likes to kiss his female friends on the lips when he sees us. Most of us offer a cheek, which sorts the problem out with no embarrassment or awkwardness. Your daughter did the age appropriate version of that. Your MIL is being totally batshit unreasonable.

bellinisurge · 13/02/2019 21:38

Try suggesting a high five. I wouldn't force my dd to kiss anyone. But I suggest a high five and she'll do that. This was with my very poorly mum who died a couple of years ago. Dd doesn't kiss anyone and offered her head for a kiss from me. High five seems to work.

RippleEffects · 13/02/2019 21:42

Autonomy over her body I completely agree with but also a discussion about the older generation and how Grandma doesn't get she's a teen and just doesnt understand her teenage need for space.

Life is a never ending balancing act and this is a good time to raise with your daughter how maybe her Grandma feels rejected by her lack of physical contact. Her Grandmas feelings however, aren't her responsibility. Maybe she can address with her Grandma directly how she feels and address that her affection isn't related to physical kissing.

Passmethecrisps · 13/02/2019 21:45

You must stand up for your DD’s bodily autonomy. She has the right to say no to physical contact regardless of how it makes others feel. That is surely a given. There aren’t conditions on that. It is your job to try to explain this to gran. If she doesn’t get it then that is awfully sad but this is a very important point

Notso · 13/02/2019 21:49

DS1 does the head offering thing. I've never forced him to give anyone a kiss and I never would. However I did suggest that it would be nice if he thought of a different way to greet/ say goodbye to someone rather than just bowing his head like a king.
He does a hug and an air mwah.

emzw12 · 13/02/2019 21:51

I read an article somewhere about how forcing kids to kiss / hug relatives when they don't want to makes it difficult for children to report "unwanted" advances from other people/relatives as they are normalised into thinking it's expected that people force themselves on to you from a young age.

TortoiseLettuce · 13/02/2019 21:55

That’s awful. Why would you even consider trying to force her to kiss someone if she doesn’t want to? She has bodily autonomy and her wishes should be respected. You need to have words with MIL to clarify that no, she doesn’t need to behave better - actually MIL needs to learn to respect her.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/02/2019 21:55

Tell your MIL to stop being ridiculous (and perhaps point out that she was the one who needed to behave better), and tell your dd that she never, ever, has to kiss or hug anyone that she doesn’t choose to, for any reason what so ever.

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