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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

11 yr old and porn

41 replies

emmyem1 · 12/11/2018 11:07

Hi all. My son is really artistic and has developed a keen interest in pencil drawing, he does the anime style and has definite talent. I recently found on his tablet that he had been looking at pornhub and did a bit of soul searching as to how to deal with this, ended up going down the ‘educational’ route so just brought the conversation up in general about how porn can give a very unrealistic impression of bodies, women and sex. Watched a video together about it. Didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable as I appreciate it’s a normal part of growing up and so much more easily accessible these days.
Just this morning I have found pencil drawings of a pornographic nature but in the anime style. Half of me is massively impressed with his talent but the other half feels that it’s totally inappropriate for his age (almost 12) to be drawing porn!!!
Would really appreciate any views/advice as I’m struggling with how to approach/deal with this, or indeed if I need to do anything at all!!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 12/11/2018 22:43

Watching pornography at 11 is a normal part of growing up? Fuck me sideways. If ds did that I would confiscate his screens for a start.

emmyem1 · 13/11/2018 07:27

Yes unfortunately I think these days it is, I would not take that approach as it would just encourage him to find a way to do it behind my back. I like to keep the lines of communication open (I have a 20 yr old too and this worked well), thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate we all handle parenting differently.

OP posts:
OriginallyfromLA · 13/11/2018 07:56

If my 11 year old was watching porn I would immediately remove all screens and seriously question my parenting.

Dear God, you need to PROTECT your child from this stuff! Not accept it!

Fairylea · 13/11/2018 08:02

You’re being too laid back about this.

At 15/16 your approach would be spot on.

At 11 he’s still a young child and you need to step in. Parental locks / safety on the tablet, tablet away at night time. Check the history and search history. If he deletes anything then whoosh screen time gone. (And yes I know potentially you still don’t know what he’s up to as it possible to delete things discreetly but it’s about sending him a message that at 11 it’s completely unacceptable for him to be looking at porn)!

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 13/11/2018 08:05

Is this a joke? I tell you what's better than "soul searching";
Sorting out your wifi and device settings! Do you even know how to do that?
For example, mine is set so that my wifi provider blocks "adult" content.
I can also use Site blocker to block inappropriate sites on the pc or device.
I also have an app on my phone that let's me check ds phone settings and search history. At 11 ds didn't have a phone that could manage 4 g so all internet came via wifi.
He may have seen porn ( we do talk about it and he says he hasn't but who knows) but if he has its not because I didn't do everything I could. And if there's anything I'm not doing someone tell me-I wanna know.
And he's older than than 11 FFS!
You know what, if ds has seen stuff it's basically because of lazy complacent parents. Which frankly give me the rage.
Instead of just allowing your child to surf Porn hub and seeing god knows what, how about you step the fuck up?

SD1978 · 13/11/2018 08:07

Sorry/ but seriously. Being aware and curious about bodies is normal- watching and encouraging your so. To watch and draw porn isn't. There is trying to be understanding- and there is a safeguarding issue as a parent you should be aware of and stopping. Fecking hell- maybe stop being so friendly and more parental

Failingat40 · 13/11/2018 08:08

Wow, him accessing porn at 11 years of age is so damaging for him!

It's NOT normal development, it gives a very skewed unrealistic view of sex and women in particular.

It's actually abuse to allow children access to this material, you know that, right?

You should be setting parental controls over what content he can access over the WiFi.

The fact he's actually drawing what he saw just goes to show the impression it's left on his mind. Geez.

Hohocabbage · 13/11/2018 08:09

I’m sure it’s not easy to deal with but letting an 11 year old use pornhub is akin to grooming him for sexual behaviour. He should be protected from this stuff. My dc couldn’t access it on their iPads for a start due to parental controls.
Could you buy him books of more suitable anime to draw from?
Was your 20 year old doing the same kind of thing at 11? Communicating well doesn’t mean an anything goes attitude.

Atalune · 13/11/2018 08:11

Give your head a wobble.

Yes keep the channels of discussion open, tgat great. But you must must get some decent parental controls on your devices.

Some Anime, furries etc is actually deeply disturbing stuff, children dressed up as cats with men’s penis’ in their mouths. Be careful what rabbit hole your son is going down.....

Mich0027 · 13/11/2018 08:12

OP I've had a similar situation where I found my 11 yo son has searched porn hub and I too took your approach. we discussed it I explained it's unrealistic, normal to be curious, but also illegal. I scared him a bit saying the police can see who's been looking at it. But I agree with you entirely If you close down the lines of communication by being angry or making them feel they're disgusting it won't necessarily stop them seeking
It out. It is a normal part of growing up these days and our children do have unlimited access to all sorts of things we'd rather they didn't look at. It's up to us to help them make the right choices if we're unwilling to restrict things all together.
I would also be proud of his drawing. Just tell him those type of drawings should be kept private! Smile

Hohocabbage · 13/11/2018 08:14
Envy
pickledparsnip · 13/11/2018 08:14

I could be wrong, but I can't see anywhere that the OP is condoning her son looking at porn.

Hohocabbage · 13/11/2018 08:16

Why would you be unwilling to restrict porn from a kid? They only have free range if parents let them. The point being at 11 they don’t get to make adult choices, they are below the age of consent and don’t need that responsibility - that’s what parents are for.

StarsHollow123 · 13/11/2018 08:17

This can't be real surely.

You think it's a normal pet of growing up to watch pornhub at 11?!?!?!?!?! You say nearly 12 as if that's better, it's not. If he wants to see human bodies for his drawing then that's another discussion, though I have feeling unless they are young and attractive his artistic interest would somewhat wane.

Honestly I can't believe any parent would allow this.

Hohocabbage · 13/11/2018 08:18

Not condoning would mean taking devices away or setting them to make it impossible. If I leave vodka out and didn’t stop my child drinking it when he had already done it once then yeah I guess that would mean I condoned it.

emmyem1 · 13/11/2018 08:18

Thanks for your comments. I think we all have different approaches to parenting and I guess I appear to be laid back (from this one mere snippet I have given you), however I’m really not. I just don’t believe in an authoritarian approach with these issues as kids will always find a way, I would rather be the one discussing these matters with him than him getting his only input from friends. I possibly appear very laid back about this but I’m not at all, hence asking for opinions/advice.
I’ve dealt with it now by speaking with him and have learnt from him that even on Netflix there are certain anime series’ which contain adult content with no warning.
Main thing is, we are discussing it so he’s able to make better informed decisions about what he does/looks at.

OP posts:
Moominfan · 13/11/2018 08:19

Op he's at an age where he will be really curious. These early introductions are going to shape his later perceptions and influence him. Do you want this to come from porn? Please take measures to control what he has access to

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 13/11/2018 08:40

It's not about being "authoritarian"!
It's about safeguarding! He's a child and you are exposing him to hardcore porn. because you can't be arsed to do some very simple things.
This has got to be a wind up, surely?

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 13/11/2018 08:41

Also-you might not give a shit but all the parents of the friends he is telling about this probably will...

Frosty66611 · 13/11/2018 08:48

Just because he tells you he won’t look at it anymore doesn’t mean that’s the truth. My mum used to always think I was really “open and honest” with her about things like that. I was always getting up to no good and looking at things I shouldn’t have been when I was younger though. I just found ways to be sneaky about it and would then barefaced lie to my mum about how I was as good as gold.
I really think you need to put parental controls on your internet settings. He’s not even a teenager yet and he could become addicted to viewing these things

Atalune · 13/11/2018 09:19

Have you got decent parental controls?

Waspnest · 13/11/2018 13:14

kids will find a way because of parents like you. How can you not see that? If you don't care about your own child's future sexual health (just carefully google erectile dysfunction in men exposed to porn) please care about those that he could possibly be exposing to porn for e.g. my daughter.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 13/11/2018 21:26

I started off doing similar with my older son when he was 13 though he was just looking at drawings through art sites and inappropriate comics through a streaming service at that point. We did remove the comic app whose parental controls just weren't working as we all agreed it was too tempting and replaced it with buying and downloading e-version of comics but in general, we had a conversation about how it's natural to be curious, the unrealistic and damage of porn, and put in guidelines but didn't push it further at that point due to how comparatively tame the images, his responsiveness during our conversation, and because of his general personality.

His father and I gave him appropriate sex-ed websites under the idea that his curiosity was natural but he was naturally very awkward discussing it and hadn't seemed to like any of the books we had on the topic and is still a person who generally does not ask personal questions. I did tell him if he broke our guidelines by going around parental controls or any of the others we had, we would have to remove features and would have to go more in-depth in discussing the damage to himself and others of porn. I thought our open communication and clear expectations were enough.

He went from looking at mildly suggestive fanart and 15 rated comics to viewing pornhub while he was meant to be doing his maths work within a few months. He did this in the living room on a laptop in the middle of the day, it took a couple weeks for him to be caught doing that but I was surprised with how brazen that was.

The reason he gave - he googled something and it was there and he felt drawn to keep doing it after the first time. So, we removed temptation - his phone no longer has browser capabilities, he has to do all his work and internet on the main computer attached to the TV so can't be hidden, and we spent several evenings over many weeks reading through resources on the effects of porn on individuals and the porn industry and discussing it together. It was uncomfortable for all of us, but so are the common effects of early and regular porn usage, so are many of the women in the videos if he is watching pornhub which doesn't check its source material for much really. As I said to my son, if you think you're old enough to watch that, you must think you're old enough to know what goes into that. I didn't go into as much detail as I could, keeping to mostly teen resources on it, but I wasn't going to erase the issues for his comfort.

Sure, he might find other ways. He might try to sneak downstairs when I'm sleeping when his father is working (though he tried that once for video games, found out just how light a sleeper I am as he didn't even get the TV on before I'd followed him down, shocked him a bit), he might see it at a friend's house, he might do many things, but just because it's easily available doesn't mean I have to make it easy for him or give him an environment that enables that. I can open conversations and set our home for his betterment.

As for the drawings, I'd put that under the same rules I have against him showing such images to others if I found them outside of the file he has for his papers and art. Sure, it's nice to see that he's worked hard building up a talent, but then the amount of reference images usually looked at to do that well...I'd be trying to find other ways to occupy his artistic work ethic.

emmyem1 · 13/11/2018 22:11

Thank you for that helpful input, really appreciate it. I have reconsidered my decision and have spoken again to my son and he’s agreed to stop. I am going to get the filters put on the Wi-fi to stop any further issues.
I needed a couple of days to research and decide what the best course of action was and I came here for advice and support with this matter, not to be judged. I firmly believe that our reaction to certain events can be more damaging than the event itself sometimes so wanted to think it through thoroughly.
Actually have had some good discussions with him about this which I believe is important going forward... ready for the next life hurdle 🙄

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 13/11/2018 22:47

OP I’m glad you’ve had a rethink and I’m sure you’re feeling a bit ganged up on but it’s so hard to follow your mindset - why did you ever give a child a device with unrestricted internet access in the first place, why wouldn’t you have parental controls on?