How do I tell DD 10 off without it escalating?

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

She gets anxious about DO 6 using her stuff, he's not going to break it, but I think she thinks he will, I tell her to talk kindly to him and share, she ends up shouting at him and me, and crying her eyes out.

I just want her to do as she's told. She causes scenes in cafés, which means that DS has to give up something he looks forward to.

Does anyone have any solutions please? 😀

[MrsJayy]

Your Dd is sharing space she hasn't got her privacy because they share a room btw im not slating room sharing mine shared for years ,but she is hankering after something anything that is hers.
Don't have pens for sharing don't have anything that is shared in the bedroom it is just going to cause this conflict she is seeing her brother as a rival and you are backing him so she is acting out if she misbehaves when out don't say she is spoiling it for brother say she is spoiling it for herself back her up sometimes but be firm on her behaviour.

[FinallyHere]

Odd how you have repeated what a shame it is that DS cannot be treated to a visit to a cafe, without DD 'spoiling' the visit. We have learned that DD, an introvert, does not enjoy these trips.

It's sounding a bit like you like to take DS out and wish you didn't have to take account of DD's preferences. That might be one reason why she is unhappy, her needs for solitude, alone time and possessions are not being met. That is before we consider how much more compatible you and DS are.

I feel for her. Hope you find a way forward.

[downinthejunglee]

YANBU
At first I thought you were being too harsh but after reading your replies I see where you are coming from.
It's not fair to your DS that he can't use her stuff but she is happy to use his. And I disagree with other pp saying that he is happy to share because he is 6 so it's not a problem, the problem is that she's happy to use his stuff. That is entitled behaviour because it means she gets to use everything in the room (other than his bear) and he only gets to use his stuff. I would understand her not sharing if he didn't but he does.
Whether or not he is happy to share, she should not be allowed to use his stuff if she is not willing to share hers. If she does not share, she can't use his stuff. Fair enough keep a few special items for herself but not everything.
I have anxiety, quite bad actually. Yes it can be irrational however that does not exclude us from following rules of what is kind/fair. It is our own job to make sure we handle it in our way and it should not have to affect others. She is 10, she is at a good age to realise that she can not put her issues onto everyone else.

I know that all sounded harsh towards her however I am just being honest.

[MrsJayy]

Can you take them out seprately even once a fortnight to somewhere she/he will like this really helped with my Dc to have seperate time. I know it is just a pen or whatever but she seems to be clinging on to it is hers she does need to chill out but obviously is so overwhelmed she can't

[MrsJayy]

I agree she shouldn't be playing with his toys either

[Clutterbugsmum]

She's not forced to share her space. DS2 goes in our room for the WiFi or into the TV room.

What's the TV room, is this like a sitting room that everyone uses or is it a separate room in addition to lounge, if so could this be re-purposed as bedroom for one of them so they have their own space.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Her brother is only being given the treat of going to the café when she's not there, and we've only done it once so far, because to her it's not a treat, it makes her tired and (her word) grumpy. I'm trying to be fair to both of them.

StormTreader we've done that. She doesn't put her things in there and then screams at him if he asks to use them. He never touches anything of hers without asking.

She didn't have the right to get possessive about a pen that didn't belong to her. If she wants pens of her own, I'll buy them, but then she has to put them in the box, not the communal bucket.

[SoddingUnicorns]

She didn't have the right to get possessive about a pen that didn't belong to her. If she wants pens of her own, I'll buy them

And yet for whatever reason you haven’t? Your DD is desperately trying to get her feelings across to you and you just don’t give a shit do you? You just want her to behave, you’re not interested in helping her or listening to her. Poor girl.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

It's a tiny room where we have a small dining table, a sofa and a TV. It's off the kitchen. It's our only reception room.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

ChiefSpoon they do have bunk beds. I'll ask her if she'd like a bed tent.

SoddingUnicorns because this is the first time she's said anything. Usually the first time I know she feels upset about anything is when she's screaming about it.

A friend thought it might be PMT, as she's only just started developing, I didn't think of that.

I take both of them out as a treat, this is the first time she's told me she doesn't enjoy it.

[whatsmynametoday]

Sounds like my DD! Also coming up to 10.

Melt downs about everything! Tonight it was as she could hear her brother singing in the next room. She also gets so angry with him for nothing, again if he's using the pens she wants, or if he's charging his tablet etc etc. Happy to go sit in his room, annoy him, touch all his stuff but if he sets foot into her room all hell breaks loose!

So while I don't have any answers you have my complete understanding.