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Preteens

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Original poster

How do I tell DD 10 off without it escalating?

61 replies

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 18/06/2018 14:51

She gets anxious about DO 6 using her stuff, he's not going to break it, but I think she thinks he will, I tell her to talk kindly to him and share, she ends up shouting at him and me, and crying her eyes out.

I just want her to do as she's told. She causes scenes in cafés, which means that DS has to give up something he looks forward to.

Does anyone have any solutions please? 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 18/06/2018 19:20

DD constantly plays with the Lego, which is all DS's, because she's never asked for any of her own. He shares properly.

We can't give them a room each, this is a 2 bedroom flat. We're thinking of partitioning their room. In reality, DS is only in there to sleep, DD goes in there as soon as she comes in from school to shut herself away from the world and rest, as she's an introvert.

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Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 18/06/2018 19:21

I'm not scared of her. I am at a loss though.

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m0therofdragons · 18/06/2018 19:26

Oh gosh, is there a way to split the room more effectively so dd and ds have clear areas that belong to each? Mine are 10 and 6 and occasionally enjoy a weekend sleepover but my 10 year old definitely needs space that's hers. That doesn't have to be in the bedroom. Maybe some ikea storage that's just hers and kept in your room so she knows it's safe from ds? I hate rudeness but I can see where her frustration comes from.

Postymalone · 18/06/2018 19:26

Sounds like something’s wrong with her.
Has she been assessed? Or is she just bratty?

Wolfiefan · 18/06/2018 19:29

What will you do when she's a teen? They can't share forever. Confused
She needs her own space. Separate what's hers and what's his.

sexnotgender · 18/06/2018 19:29

Why is she having to share her new toys? Surely they are hers and she can share or not as she wants.

GinIsIn · 18/06/2018 19:30

So she doesn’t get her own space or her own things even though you keep repeatedly saying she’s an introvert who needs time alone? Well, there’s your problem....

fhefelineofthespecies · 18/06/2018 19:38

DD constantly plays with the Lego, which is all DS's, because she's never asked for any of her own. He shares properly.

But if he happily shares it she wouldn't need to ask for any of her own. You seem to be suggesting that because your DS doesn't need anything that's just his, she shouldn't either. I'd agree that she needs a few things she can mark out as her own whether space or belongings. I can understand that if she's introverted and having to spend all day in school with others she's probably desperate for her own space and having to share everything probably feels quite invasive. It sounds like you find your DS easier as a person and I feel a bit sorry for your DD to be honest. Yes, she needs to share properly but she also needs to be able to set some personal boundaries that are respected. Dividing the room sounds like a good idea.

upsideup · 18/06/2018 19:41

Are you planning to try and move? It really isnt going to work, especially given her personality with them sharing for much longer.
At the very least you need a line across the room and some kind of curtain or board to give her some privacy, they each have their own storage stuff with their own private stuff in and they can have somewhere where shared stuff can go.
This doesnt sound like your dd being badly behaved, it sounds like you and her brother arent giving her the space she needs.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 18/06/2018 19:46

That is not bratty, IMO

Stop making her share, give them each their own stuff (divide the pens between them)

One of my DS is extroverted, a sharer but also an accidental breaker. The other really cherishes his "stuff"

At 10 they should not be forced to share everything. Instead, teach the DS to not constantly want his sister's stuff.

I think you are treating the DS as the favourite OR/AND have unrealistic ideas about sharing.

sherazade · 18/06/2018 19:50

She needs reassuring that what's her is hers . Don't let him touch her stuff . She needs her own space or atleast to feel her personal belongings are hers .

Stinkywink · 18/06/2018 20:18

She needs her own room and her own stuff.

Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/06/2018 10:41

thefeline he does have something that's just his, his Bear. DD seems to think all her toys are special.

Because we are in privately rented accommodation, we can't do anything else with the rooms. The landlord sends someone to check the property once a year. We're looking for somewhere else, we're on waiting lists.

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SoddingUnicorns · 19/06/2018 10:45

You need to knock the communal stuff on the head, get her her own Lego and keep all their stuff separate.

She sounds like a mixed up little girl who is struggling, you don’t seem to like her very much and are full of praise for her younger brother who she’s forced to share her stuff/space/everything with.

MoreHairyThanScary · 19/06/2018 10:57

I disagree with the she shouldn't have to share, it is a very westernised privilege not to have to share.

Having said that there is a balance, I have 3 DD's they share most things games books etc which come into the home ( we have a rule post birthdays that the person who 'owns' the item gets first use for books etc) but then it joins the general stuff. However there are some things which are their own and kept separately ( 2 share a bedroom but have separate storage boxes for their stuff).

I think you have 2 problems her inability to share and her behaviour ( and the impact of this on others). Personally like a pp if she can't share it she doesn't get it either ( with an immediate consequence if she doesn't hand it over) If her behaviour is poor then she gets no treat. At 10 this should be manageable if dealt with now.

Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/06/2018 11:07

I like her, I don't like the escalation, and want to know how to stop it. If I don't take her to the café, which she doesn't want to go to anyway, DS misses out. I want a fair solution, and I want to help her to calm down.

They can't possibly have separate rooms at the moment, and they'd both need lockable storage, which we don't have room for and can't afford. DS2 never takes anything without DD's permission, but she shouldn't leave them sitting there when she's doing something else, and not let him play with them. I know she's not teasing him deliberately, but I'm sure that's what it feels like. She was away last weekend, and is again this week with school, so DS2 and I had breakfast in the café on Saturday and will have supper there on Thursday, it'll just have to be every time she goes away.

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Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/06/2018 11:10

She's not forced to share her space. DS2 goes in our room for the WiFi or into the TV room. DD spends the morning before school and the afternoon and evening in their room. I've already said that. DS2 goes in there to sleep.

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Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/06/2018 11:14

MoreHairy that's exactly what I've tried to do. Unfortunately, DD wants all her things to be hers exclusively, which means that they play with DS2's toys together all the time.

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Original poster
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/06/2018 11:17

Her behaviour is caused by anxiety. To pps who've said I'm punishing her, I'm not, I'm trying to get her to calm down. And also to lighten up. It's a red pen, FFS. We can buy another pack. And it was never actually her pen.

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SoddingUnicorns · 19/06/2018 11:21

Her behaviour is caused by anxiety

And also to lighten up. It's a red pen, FFS. We can buy another pack. And it was never actually her pen

So you know what is causing it and still have that attitude? It’s not your DD who is at fault OP. Anxiety, by its very nature, is not rational.

She’s overwhelmed and anxious and met with lack of understanding (because it’s quite clear that despite your protestations you don’t understand anxiety) and her brother being given treats when she’s not there.

Branleuse · 19/06/2018 11:21

I think if your children have to share a room then you need to make more effort to make sure she has her own space and her own things and is allowed to have boundaries.
I would find not having my own space and having to let somebody else have access to my things and share everything quite distressing

StormTreader · 19/06/2018 11:25

It wouldn't take too much time or money to give her a small plastic tub and say "anything that's extra special to you that you don't want to share should be kept in here", and tell your DS to not go in it.
It still sounds like you're making excuses "well its not important, we can buy another one", "we don't have space to give her anything that's her own", "well he would share his stuff."

It sounds like she has NO ability to keep anything separate for herself - even her own space is somewhere your DS can go in if he wants to. There's NOTHING that's hers that you are willing to let her keep just for herself - no wonder shes scrabbling around trying to keep something, anything, for herself.

Branleuse · 19/06/2018 11:27

if she's 10, she could well be hormonal and starting puberty or it won't be long. She will be needing some privacy

ChiefSpoon · 19/06/2018 11:30

www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/storage-furniture/cabinets-sideboards/ikea-ps-cabinet-white-art-10251451/

Would this fit? It's on sale in some branches right now for less than £50. It's metal with a key so she can store her precious possessions (which are probably all junk to us but hey ho) and keep her brother out.

ChiefSpoon · 19/06/2018 11:34

If you can't give her a room could you afford bunk beds and to put a bed tent on the top bunk like this one? It gives a space of her own where the curtain can be drawn. My aunt did this with three girls sharing a room with big age gaps. Hard rule was don't go in each other's tent.

Privacy Bed Tent (Single) Black https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B071HWGPRP/ref=cmswwrcppapi_xVnkBbAVXVJCA