My 13 yr old has a moustache

[lisareid2009]

Hello everybody, Im new to this but I'm hoping that anybody out there can give advice and reassurance. I'm married and have two boys. One 10 and the other 13. Apart from the usual hormonal changes we are noticing from our 6ft 1" size 11 shoe son ( together with oversized attitude!) His top lip hair is becoming very noticeable. He is a very sensitive soul and I suppose I would like to pre-empt any concerns about leg pulling at school. Also, blackheads!!! Aarrgh I've bought several washes and witch hazel but the problem is his hygiene! How do you get him to wash ? Please please any help or reassurance would be really grateful.

Has he mentioned wanting to shave? Has his Dad discussed it with him?

Oh I’m full of sympathy - I’m in exactly the same position with my DS1. His skin is pretty bad with acne & hes definitely got the start of a moustache but he doesn’t seem to be interested in shaving it.

I’m onky getting him to wash his face by being a nag. I hate the sound of my own voice sometimes but nothing else works. He’s just back from a week’s school trip and I’m not sure his face had seen water. The acne was even worse.

If he’s self conscious about his moustache then maybe he’ll have to start shaving. Has he said anything about it?

Hi thanks for replying! I was giving up hope. No he hasn't said anything yet but my husbands of the opinion to let him get on with it if he asks we can advise. But as a mum you can't help but worry and want to help.

I have a 13 year old boy and a 15 year old boy.

Both get up 20 minutes before me to shower and wash their hair.

They say they can’t function without it.

Ds1 was a late developer and has never had BO so I’m not sure what I would have done if he didn’t wash.

Actually I do know. No WiFi until he has showered.

I bought him a razor and dh taught him what to do.

I would threaten and bribe.

I've tried lots of bribery and blackmail. The blackheads my boys have are so noticeable. Its not as if there isnt anything in the cupboard to help. They both have anti persperant but I don't think the older one even notices the smell sometimes,! I'm hoping that when he gets into year 9 girls hit his radar then he might contemplate washing and cleaning his teeth!

Also, I know I sound a sap but the attitudes I'm getting from my boys is beyond my comprehension. I'm an older mum, 49, my husband 52 and I think we were both expecting our kids to be respectful. But it hasn't worked out like that. Our house is full of tension when we are all here. I don't know who is in charge. The older one thinks he knows it all and I mean all and the younger one is the ignorant one just ignoring me. Can anybody please tell me it will get better or will it get worse. I've been sworn at, spat at, hit, bitten and nearly pushed down the stairs. I'm positive both my husband and I didn't behave like our two.

Op I'm sure you didn't behave like that when you were their age...biting?! This isn't normal behaviour for boys of their age. Assuming they have no special needs, you need to address the behaviour before you worry about the moustache. It won't get better by itself, you need to clamp down on all of the aggressive behaviour.

I’d say, choose your battles. Blackheads and moustache? Who cares if they don’t.
Swearing, biting, pushing, hitting? That is completely unacceptable.

Hi, the biting was when the older was younger. It was with him when he was about 3. We have had different types of aggression as he's got older. We asked for him to be assessed for aspergers or autism because he is exceptionally bright. But the specialists wouldn't commit. Now he is a teenager its swearing and pushing. It is frightening. My youngest one is typical 10 year old attitude. He is one that is more cuddly and loving but also thumps and can swear like his brother. Alot of this comes from school I'm sure of it. But there are days when I just can't handle them and want to walk away. I look at them and think did I really produce these?!

I'm an older mum, 49, my husband 52 and I think we were both expecting our kids to be respectful.

I'm 46 and I never just expected my son to be respectful.
I find this sentence odd and it makes me wonder about your relationship with them.

If you’ve got a 13 year old I don’t think 49 is “old” - you were 36 as a first time mum, pretty average fir where I lived when I became a parent.

Toddlers do sometimes bite. Glad your teen isn’t biting!

Teenagers swear, push boundaries (there should be no pushing of you physically, though). Respect for you automatically because you are The Parents is a bit old-fashioned as a concept for parent-child relationships, I think. You want them to trust you, though, and respect your boundaries/rules. Perhaps that’s what you meant?

My ds is same height, shoe size and also has a moustache. Going to be shaved today!! I think they do get some major attitude (homework, gaming) but I suppose I’m luvky that it is not personally directed at me. Maybe get your ds to smell the armpit of a tshirt he has worn all day so he can smell it himself?

Washing - constant nagging.
Teeth cleaning - DS does that,even on home days when he isn't going out,goodness knows why my parenting worked for that and not for washing.
I think pick your battles,and dealing with the swearing and shoving is more important.
With the washing I do major on how unpleasant it is for other people to be exposed to your BO - a friend would say DS would get teased,I say don't his friends comment - no,to both of these,so no point pushing to avoid this happening.
And you aren't an older Mum if you are 49 with a teenager - mine is 17 and I'm 58

Thankyou so much for your comments they do help. I've given my eldest a small shaver/trimmer and left it for him to use when he's ready. And feel that now he's responsible for his own self hygiene. I can't think how to do anymore.

Hi nosqirrels , yes that's right I think they should respect the boundaries. We aren't strict parents by any means but we find it hard to accept , well I do, the way they think its OK to talk to us the way they do. Please bear in mind this is not all the time. I am learning to not rise to his aggression. I used to fight and shout back but it doesn't solve anything. About 8 out of 10 times he will apologise we will discuss the issue and move on but then it will happen again. Its so wearing

You can't simply expect that they respect boundaries and you shouldn't shout either.

You're their role model. Talk calmly and reinforce boundaries.

Expect boundary pushing. They're children, they're growing up, they will push them. It's absolutely normal.

I often ask DS if he wants to be talked to how he speaks to me when he pushes those boundaries. I tell him that I can easily start talking to him that way. But then nobody will be happy.

I consider my DS (also 13, btw) a normal and considerate boy, who has bad days occasionally and who will test boundaries. We're fine.

Your boys are teenagers and you're still holding a grudge about being bitten when they were 3?!

Your son is very tall for 13. Are you or your husband unusually tall?

Unusual height (greater than would be expected from looking at the parents) can often occur with autism. If you were already wondering about autism anyway, then perhaps an assessment might be a good plan.

Sorry - that should say "another assessment".

I'm not holding a grudge! I thought I would explain how my child has behaved.

One is a teenager the other is 10.

Yes, it’s wearing reinforcing appropriate behaviour - but that’s the job you sign up to as a parent. Children and teenagers need boundaries, and need to push against those boundaries- that’s their job growing up.

But almost all 3 year olds bite - why are you still bringing it up over a decade later?

If they lay a finger on you then you need to be calling the Police, no ifs and buts. Otherwize it will escalate and you or someone else may end up getting battered.
I'd be telling them either they behave without violence or they will not be living with you anymore. I'd mean it as well.

Lisa, as others have mentioned, the anti-social behaviour is a more important issue than the incipient moustache and the sweaty pong.

I have a 15-year-old DS who has shouted and sworn at me on a few occasions. Up until the age of 15, he was fairly peaceable, and most of the time he is still gentle and considerate, so, when he suddenly sounds aggressive, it’s a shock. This year I have certainly felt as if I have no control over him at times and have wondered if I have been too namby-pamby a parent.

I came across an article that suggests the empathy levels of teenage boys takes a dip between ages 13 and 16, after which the ability to empathise improves again. (You may not have to wait until 16 for a little more understanding though because it sounds like your older DS is an early developer, so ahead of the puberty curve.) Interestingly, there is no such dip for girls.

The other - probably related – issue is the effects of surging testosterone in adolescence. Your DSs – mainly the older one at the moment but the younger one too eventually – have to get used to an increase in testosterone and develop some control over the effects it has on them.

In the light of this, my suggestion would be to get your husband more involved. He has the advantage of having once been a teenage boy. It would be useful if he instigated a chat about the Art of Manliness! (Yes, I’m serious.) Being a man involves mastering aggressive urges and not taking your frustrations out on others. Sport or other sorts of physical activity can be a good way of channelling such impulses.

And it is particularly unmanly to target someone physically weaker. (It wouldn’t be surprising if you were the one bearing the brunt of the aggressive behaviour rather than your husband because teenage boy violence is more often directed towards mothers.)