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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Help!!! Lying 11 year old

37 replies

movingonishard · 01/02/2018 19:27

Bit of background. DS (11) is bright and well behaved at school. Generally pretty good at home except for the lies.He stole from me and told lots of lies as a result about a year ago. Had some counselling from school and things seemed to be getting better.
The worrying thing he said today though, after discovering his latest lie, was that he says he feels no guilt at all when he lies. He says he feels nothing. He's unhappy when I find out but that's because I'm annoyed and he gets punished- tonight having to go to bed early and taken away his iPad.
I'm at a loss to know what to do now. Im feel such a failure and I'm so worried. Any comments / advice would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance :)

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Original poster

movingonishard · 01/02/2018 21:44

Bump..

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Original poster

movingonishard · 01/02/2018 22:23

Anyone there?

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EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 02/02/2018 02:46

I think it’s pretty normal at this age and I wouldn’t be too concerned. Just chat to him tomorrow about how it’s much easier not to lie and therefore, not be punished.

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 06:23

Thanks for your reply. It’s reassuring in some ways that it could be normal but it still worries me. It’s happened so many times and he looks straight at me and continues to lie. His dad and I split up partly because of his (dad’s ) lies and I’m worried ds has inherited his “lying gene”. He s now saying the latest lie was because he was scared of telling me as - the last few months have been stressful and I’ve been easily irritated. I’m arranging counselling and a doctors appointment for me. I’m so worried about ds, I just can’t deal with much more.

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EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 02/02/2018 06:32

It’s good that you realise that your having difficulty and you are getting help. Is his latest lie a biggy?

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2018 06:35

How open and upfront are you with him? It's probably not a very popular opinion here but do you hide how your life is going from him? I am very open about what's going on in my life with my kids. Probably too open, but it was just the three of us for a long time and we just couldn't afford to have any secrets.

Also at 11 he is old enough to be asked about the consequences. So you lie. I find out. Then I don't trust you. This makes me feel like crap parent. This makes you frustrated because you get punished and ......... You can sort of do a diagram thing to help him see how an action can have consequences far beyond what he's imagined.

Of course I might be spouting shit!

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 02/02/2018 06:39

I don’t think you are spouting shit Wally. Sounds like a reasonable question. The diagram idea sounds good too

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 06:41

Hi, I’m very open with him. It’s just me and him most of the time and other than the lies we have a great relationship. I’ve explained and explained time after time after time about the consequences of lying but it makes no difference. I just don’t know what to do now.

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Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 06:44

The latest lie wasn’t a huge one, quite silly realty. He pranked called a friend and then deleted texts about it. One of his phone rules is that he mustn’t delete texts. Also lies about going to the shop on the way home from school which I wouldn’t even have minded about

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Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 06:48

I know feel guilty as I feel it’s the stress I’ve had recently which has made him lie & be scared to talk to me. However he’s been lying for over 2 years now and as mentioned earlier, a year ago stole from me creating a web of lies spanning 4 months.

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Pleasebeafleabite · 02/02/2018 06:58

I was going to say that every child can have their moments. My ds when 11 told some whoppers for cachet at school that we now tease him about

This sounds a bit more serious though

Is alot of it related to his social media? Once fibs are out there it’s hard to retract them.

My ds still lies about small things like shop on the way home when there are sweet wrappers in the bin. I relax about those and just let him know he’s not fooling anyone

Maybe just focus the need for total honesty on the big fibs for now and let the small unimportant ones pass

NicheArea · 02/02/2018 07:05

Hello OP. I could be well wide of the mark here... but it's what occurred to me (single parent (widow) 2DSs).
Is it possible your DS could, in some way, feel a little suffocated by the fact there are only the 2 of you? (And understandably you are not at your best at the moment.)Could he need to have some aspect of his life that is separate from you? that you don't know about? that isn't ruled by you? And he lies to create this separation?
At 11, he is going to be starting his teenage journey which is one of separating from parents- obvs a good thing to move towards independence by rejecting parents' values/ control etc but it is often done in horrible teenage ways..
Can you give him a little space?

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 07:14

He’s not on social media. He lied about setting up instagram etc last year and I deleted the accounts. He’s says most of his new secondary school friends don’t use it.
I’ve wondered about it just being us too. He sees his dad regularly too but morning I can do about it just being me and him at home. I wondering about talking to his dad about it but feel i’ll be blamed for “making “ him lie

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NicheArea · 02/02/2018 07:30

Also- have you Googled 'Why do children lie'?
There are some good articles explaining about telling lies at different ages and stages of childhood. This one for example:
psychcentral.com/lib/when-a-child-lies/
It might help you see that what your son is doing may well just be a 'phase', related to what he is going through. And that, as such, it is not a reflection on your parenting.

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 07:46

Thanks for the link. Yes, I’ve looked at lots of articles about it and have talked to ds about it. Each time he says he understands, but then does it again. I’d planned a nice day out with him this weekend but don’t know if it gives the wrong message to go ahead with it.

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Temporaryanonymity · 02/02/2018 07:53

I'm on my own with an 11 and and 8 year old. I have to be honest and say that my 11 year old is trying my patience beyond anything I imagined during those toddler years.

Lying - yes. Anger, strops, defiant behaviour. All of it. Yet at school he behaves wonderfully and the school quite can't believe his behaviour at home. His HT very kindly told me it's because he feels secure and loved by me so I get the honour of being the one he is pushing boundries with.

It is so hard. I'm trying to pick my battles. He hates talking so I have started to book a badminton court or take a ball over to the basketball court so we can chat whilst doing something else. We went for a walk last night and he was actually quite pleasant for a change.

I look at my 8 year old and wonder if he will go through the same at 11.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/02/2018 07:53

I personally wouldn’t cancel a day out if you are referring to his actions in your 6.44 post

NicheArea · 02/02/2018 08:08

I wouldn't cancel the day out either.
It sends the message that you and he are on opposing sides and it's perpetuating some sort of battle between you. Show him you are both on the same side- you are a team, not enemies.

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 09:16

Thanks for your replies. I won't cancel the day out. He hD to go to bed early last night as punishment and I was going to restrict his phone use for the next week or so. Does that sound reasonable?

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Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 09:22

I'm still wondering whether to speak to his dad about it. Though I'm worried it'll make things worse

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Audree · 02/02/2018 11:05

I see lying more of a symptom than a problem. When my kids lied, it was because I tried too much to make them do something and they disagreed. So it helped to talk about what the actual problem was, and not the lying.
For example, ds’s bedtime was at 9 a while ago - until I caught him reading under the blanket with a flashlight, so we negotiated a later bedtime.
I don’t think you can punish the lying out of him unless you address what the lying is actually about.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 02/02/2018 14:29

Is it an iPhone and is his account set up as a child’s account. My DS has an iPhone and he can’t download apps unless we approve them.

I wouldn’t worry too about lying about going to the shop either. My 11yo lies about that too. She just gets a “yeah, right” and I laugh and that’s the end of it. Like the pp says, I kept her know she’s not fooling anyone but I’m not going to waste precious energy and time falling out about a chomp bar.

Original poster

movingonishard · 02/02/2018 14:34

He, he has an iPhone and I have to approve all apps

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DoinItForTheKids · 02/02/2018 14:42

Yes, I think as others have said, it's WHY is he lying. It gives him something that he needs, when he lies (and inferring nothing and just openly thinking here, here's some possible reasons):

It's something he can control whether he does it or not and when so it gives him a feeling of being in control of something completely
It's for attention and is related, still, to your split from his dad, in some way?
The restrictions he has and what he could interpret as lack of privacy around text deleting and so on means he can't do much without getting into trouble (iyswim)?

I think it is key to find out what does he get out of it that makes him keep doing it even when he knows he'll suffer a punishment - I guarantee you there will be something that's at the heart of it.

One possible way if that conversation goes well and reveals something, you could just say ok you can have some social media and I won't check your texts but I'm expecting you to behave appropriately, no bullying, sexting, being nasty or unkind to people or deliberately excluding people (all the sorts of things that go on on social media), you've got the freedom now but it's up to you do manage it like the young man you are. Only you will know if this is the right approach with your child or not. And at the outset agree what rules broken would receive what consequences (not punishments, consequences) and then tell him right, I'm leaving it to you. At this point it might be the wrong time to do it or totally not the right thing to do with him and it does sound like the starting point is the what positives it gives him which might help with why, which is key to all of it probably.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 02/02/2018 14:52

I wouldn’t allow my 11yo to have social media apps but know that I may be in a minority Doin

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