Shocked and saddened by dd messages on Instagram

[Countrygirl001]

Unknown to my daughter, who is 12, I have recently looked through her messages on Instagram. I am pretty shocked by some of the stuff I've read. There is some sexually explicit chat with a couple of different boys who are both the same age as her. My two concerns on this are the content of the messages (really not appropriate at 12) and how she seems to be constantly chasing one of the boys who, although joined in the explicit chat, is clearly not interested (good!).

She is also pretty mean, bordering on bullying, to her cousin and one of her cousins friends (they are also 12). I'm worried how this could all blow up if my brother/ sister-in-law read the messages.

I honestly cannot believe this is the same girl, my lovely dd who up until recently has been so quiet and loving - she seems to have turned into someone I really don't know. I'm upset and really disappointed by all this.

So now I have to deal with this and am asking for advice. I feel a slight sense of guilt at snooping on her messages - how do I tackle this aspect as well?
Thanks

I get you want to talk calmly to your dd OP but honestly there should be consequences for the nastiness toward the cousin/whoever. That's not about social media that's about her not treating others well.

Have to say while my dd has not been immune to the problems of social media (bitchiness bullying) this has been as a victim.

She's almost 15 but before she had access to social media I put rules in place.

No posting anything she wouldn't want her gran to see.

I have full access and can check whenever I like including pm's. Even snap chat the images don't 'disappear' they're held on the devices hard drive (nothing is ever really deleted once it's been online) (Where I'm luckier than some I guess is that I'm pretty good on tech plus have a few friends really into IT so check regularly for secret accounts. Unlikely as dd knows and knows she'd be in big trouble if she did this).

She's had appropriate online behaviour drummed into her by me, school, clubs, my IT savvy friends for years! Seriously she must be sick of it! Don't care as long as she behaves appropriately.

No pussy footing around you need to make it clear to her the possible consequences of her online footprint including it affecting future career/education prospects.

Bobo
I know - that's something that worries me too. It's the same with every topic though, isn't it. We can only do so much to protect our kids, when other kids aren't being given the same lessons.

Schools are getting better though, and many teachers are receptive to ideas from parents, re getting someone in to talk to the kids about social media. Not just the bullying side, but the confidence/self-image issues that arise.

I think Instagram and similar are not suitable for 12 year olds. In fact I think that a lot of 13 year olds shouldn't use it either.
My DC had very basic phones (messages and calls only) until much older and I properly monitored their Facebook etc usage from the family network.

Sending sexual dodgy messages at 12 is awful and I would take any action nessecery to stop it happening. Those messages can be passed around and shown to other DC and parents.

If you are not able to set up decent parental controls then you should either pay someone to do it for you or you should remove any devices from your DC.

Look at all the nasty shite posts that you see on MN, some people can't control themselves as adults so expecting all 12 year olds to think before they post is a bit optimistic.

Allowing your DC to use Instagram 'because everyone else does' is a rubbish reason for allowing it.

The age limits for these sites are widely ignored. I think some parents believe as long as they have set up the correct privacy and security settings then it's all ok.

Yes security is important but the content and culture of social media and its effect on young people should be a major concern. They just do not have the maturity to cope with all that they are exposed to. It is peer pressure X 100.

At 12 I think it's perfectly justifiable for you to oversee what she's doing online. I would speak to her about what she's written explain why it's wrong etc etc maybe also discuss the sexual conversations to see if it's just talk or she's pro active in some of the things she's written.
Close the account down get her to apologise to her cousin and only when you feel she's mature enough will you let her have instagram again and on the provision you can look at her account at any time.