Shocked and saddened by dd messages on Instagram

[Countrygirl001]

Unknown to my daughter, who is 12, I have recently looked through her messages on Instagram. I am pretty shocked by some of the stuff I've read. There is some sexually explicit chat with a couple of different boys who are both the same age as her. My two concerns on this are the content of the messages (really not appropriate at 12) and how she seems to be constantly chasing one of the boys who, although joined in the explicit chat, is clearly not interested (good!).

She is also pretty mean, bordering on bullying, to her cousin and one of her cousins friends (they are also 12). I'm worried how this could all blow up if my brother/ sister-in-law read the messages.

I honestly cannot believe this is the same girl, my lovely dd who up until recently has been so quiet and loving - she seems to have turned into someone I really don't know. I'm upset and really disappointed by all this.

So now I have to deal with this and am asking for advice. I feel a slight sense of guilt at snooping on her messages - how do I tackle this aspect as well?
Thanks

[ffffffedup]

At 12 I think it's perfectly justifiable for you to oversee what she's doing online. I would speak to her about what she's written explain why it's wrong etc etc maybe also discuss the sexual conversations to see if it's just talk or she's pro active in some of the things she's written.
Close the account down get her to apologise to her cousin and only when you feel she's mature enough will you let her have instagram again and on the provision you can look at her account at any time.

[shebird]

The age limits for these sites are widely ignored. I think some parents believe as long as they have set up the correct privacy and security settings then it's all ok.

Yes security is important but the content and culture of social media and its effect on young people should be a major concern. They just do not have the maturity to cope with all that they are exposed to. It is peer pressure X 100.

[ICantSpellNoffink]

I think Instagram and similar are not suitable for 12 year olds. In fact I think that a lot of 13 year olds shouldn't use it either.
My DC had very basic phones (messages and calls only) until much older and I properly monitored their Facebook etc usage from the family network.

Sending sexual dodgy messages at 12 is awful and I would take any action nessecery to stop it happening. Those messages can be passed around and shown to other DC and parents.

If you are not able to set up decent parental controls then you should either pay someone to do it for you or you should remove any devices from your DC.

Look at all the nasty shite posts that you see on MN, some people can't control themselves as adults so expecting all 12 year olds to think before they post is a bit optimistic.

Allowing your DC to use Instagram 'because everyone else does' is a rubbish reason for allowing it.

[MmeLindor]

Bobo
I know - that's something that worries me too. It's the same with every topic though, isn't it. We can only do so much to protect our kids, when other kids aren't being given the same lessons.

Schools are getting better though, and many teachers are receptive to ideas from parents, re getting someone in to talk to the kids about social media. Not just the bullying side, but the confidence/self-image issues that arise.

[Baconyum]

I get you want to talk calmly to your dd OP but honestly there should be consequences for the nastiness toward the cousin/whoever. That's not about social media that's about her not treating others well.

Have to say while my dd has not been immune to the problems of social media (bitchiness bullying) this has been as a victim.

She's almost 15 but before she had access to social media I put rules in place.

No posting anything she wouldn't want her gran to see.

I have full access and can check whenever I like including pm's. Even snap chat the images don't 'disappear' they're held on the devices hard drive (nothing is ever really deleted once it's been online) (Where I'm luckier than some I guess is that I'm pretty good on tech plus have a few friends really into IT so check regularly for secret accounts. Unlikely as dd knows and knows she'd be in big trouble if she did this).

She's had appropriate online behaviour drummed into her by me, school, clubs, my IT savvy friends for years! Seriously she must be sick of it! Don't care as long as she behaves appropriately.

No pussy footing around you need to make it clear to her the possible consequences of her online footprint including it affecting future career/education prospects.

[BoboChic]

I can educate my own DD but not the DCs of others . I'm really not happy about the pressure that Instagram pictures of 10 year olds lying on beds together puts on other DC.

[MmeLindor]

It's all about education though, Bobo. I've been talking to my kids about online safety for years, and recently said something about posting pics of their bodies and they both rolled their eyes and said that no one does that, and everyone knows that's wrong. It's been pretty well drummed into them, both at school and at home, and they are quite clued up.

I think you just have to be vigilant and very interested in what they are doing, and keep talking. Even when they roll their eyes!

[shebird]

I agree Mme Instagram is probably the best of a bad lot as far as online safety on social media is concerned although I just hate the ethos of it. Although Snapchat has is merits too Bobo as pictures are not out there in a profile, this also has downfalls where bullying and sexually explicit messages are sent and can then disappear. In the OPs case if her DD had been using Snapchat she would never have found out.

[BoboChic]

"Instagram is actually quite a good app for kids to start using social media, as there isn't as much abuse on there as e.g. on Twitter."

When my DD was in the last year of primary school, many DC (not she) had Instagram accounts and used them to post pictures of themselves in compromising positions. There was a lot of pressure within a particular group of DC to couple up and advertise that fact to the rest of the group.

[MmeLindor]

What I mean by IG as a good starting point, is that there isn't the same kind of open abuse as on Twitter. Less swearing, less inappropriate images, scary stuff etc.

I know that there is a lot of competition, and the pressure of being flawless - that's why I always advise that parents should talk to their kids about this. Including pointing out that no one's life is perfect, and the girls with thousands of followers have stylists to create the ideal shot, photoshop and filters to conceal any blemishes or imperfections.

A lot of girls are now using Snapchat for this reason - it's much more spontaneous and less of a competition. No filters, so you just have to go with what you look like!

Thing is - they are going to encounter online nastiness at some point in their life, just as they will RL nastiness. So you start them off with Pinterest, Instagram or Snapchat, and teach them the rules. I'd rather my daughter learned from me, and we talk about these things all the time, than relying on school.

[shebird]

I am not sure about ther merits of Instagram Mme as a good start for kids on social media. IMO it needs to be approached with extreme caution and monitoring and rules are a must.

Yes some kids do use it to post cute pictures of puppies, cupcakes and fluffy kittens but really with girls it is just a major popularity contest. It is a minefield of bitchiness and parents need to make sure their kids are able to cope with the social difficulties as well as the security ones.

[MmeLindor]

I know what you mean - there does seem to be a 'oh, you can't disappoint/refuse your child something' attitude amongst some parent, which doesn't actually help kids at all, cause life is fecking disappointing at times! I only skimmed some of the earlier posts, so must have missed your comment.

It's all about balance, imo. Giving them enough space to navigate their way across the wobbly bar of life, but being ready to catch them if they fall.

[Caprinihahahaha]

I know Mme and, although it's probably lost up thread, I did say I do let my DD use it with my over seeing that as best I can.

I'm just trying (and clearly failing) to make a general point about a tone/attitude which I see a lot on here and in rl.

Whilst spectacularly failing in just trying to say that we should ever give up on the idea that we can shape our child's experience of social, I do at least give myself points by persistence.

[MmeLindor]

Caprinini
I don't think 'oh, well they are going to do it anyway', but I do think that at some point kids are going to use social media, and it's my job as a parent to ensure that they do so sensibly.

Despite some of the stories on this thread, Instagram is actually quite a good app for kids to start using social media, as there isn't as much abuse on there as e.g. on Twitter.

Parents can't just hand over a smartphone, let the kids download Instagram and leave them to it. There have to be controls and checks (agreed beforehand) and an agreement to use it kindly.

Countrygirl
Good luck with your chat. This might help, as a starting point. There's a printable version here

[Oxfordblue]

ledkr it's funny you should suggest that as I've been thinking of that as a possibility, then she can read it on her own terms.

Perhaps she does find questions threatening, I don't know. She is so unreasonable, it makes me very sad & it can't be nice for her.

[BoboChic]

As is often said, parents are the last to know/suspect.

My DD (10) received a few vile unsolicited text messages from a girl in her class whom we have known since both the girls were little. DP went straight to the other girl's father (both were doing morning drop off at the beginning of the school year) and showed him the exchange. The other girl's father was extremely surprised and shocked but clearly dealt with his DD as no more incidents have occurred.

[merrymouse]

It's not snooping if it's a social media account, she is 12 and you are her parent. She should be very aware that in terms if 'snooping' you are the least of her worries. If she is too embarrassed to share her on-line activity with you, she shouldn't be sharing it on-line.

[Ledkr]

Is it worth writing to her "Oxford" ?

[Oxfordblue]

Just reading up the thread, lucky you folks that have DDs you can sit down & talk to, my DD refuses to listen, calls me a bully, calls me vile names, says I'm fat (I'm not !) & is completely unreasonable. She is in fact a blend of Kevin & Perry & the "am I bovvered. ?" character.

[Oxfordblue]

I would do what we've done with out DD - report her as an under 13.

You should only be on Instagram when you're over 13 or with parents permission. Neither which is the case. Another mum on her advised that Instagram wanted to see her birth certificate to verify her age.

IMO if they can't use it responsibly, they shouldn't be on it, which sounds like your DD.

[Countrygirl001]

Thanks all for your feedback and links - lots and lots of brilliant advice. She is off school today so will be sitting down later to talk about it.

My main focus will be to hopefully get her to realise how wrong some of the chat is, how it impacts on others and reflects on her and how she is not ready to be given the freedom she has had so far online. Will follow up with some clear rules on future use - haven't yet decided on a ban, but will involve complete access to her devices and social media account and time restrictions.

I don't feel this needs to be taken to a wider group - school, police etc - I understand where you are coming from, but I want to keep this in-house for now. The school seems to be on top of this stuff - I feel at the moment this needs to be reinforced from home.

Thanks all again.

[Caprinihahahaha]

Sure. And there are children who lie about where they are going, bunk off school, smoke or drink alcohol, have sex or steal.
Most of those we can't simply stop by saying no yet we persist and don't assume they will just do it anyway.

I'm only saying, my only point is, that the suggestion that there is no point in even resisting a child's desire to have (for example) an Instagram account is not necessarily helpful.
Of course if they are really determined they will find a way to do it.
But saying no isn't inevitably some thuggish, blunt, one dimensional approach. It seems to me that is a depressingly negative way to view all children.
I just think it's possible to discuss and negotiate these things. I explain to DD what the rules are about, I listen to her, I am prepared to adjust things, I'm not punitive with her. We try to have a framework which allows her to get as much as she wants without my feeling her safety or happiness is being compromised.
Do I believe its fail safe? No.
Do I think I've cracked it? Definitely not.

But I'm still going to say not to face book and snap chat and will discuss it as often as it takes and explain why and will do so in the full knowledge that I might find out one day that she has done it anyway behind my back. I'm going to try and create an environment where she and I try to communicate and respect each other about this. It may be hopeless but hey.

I'm not just going to listen to 'oh well, she'll do it anyway, parents are so fucking deluded.' I just find that incredibly depressing and unhelpful.

[shebird]

Caprini
I know that some of DDs friends have set up Instagram accounts without their parents knowledge - not that difficult to do really on a phone, tablet or at a mates house. I am also aware of others who have permission to have Instagram that is monitored but then have dummy or duplicate accounts that their or parents are not aware of. I think MrsHP was just trying to say not to underestimate how far kids will go with this stuff.

[shebird]

A diary is completely different to Internet and social media. A diary is not likely to be in the public domain nor does it involve communicating with others or potentially behaving inappropriately. Anything my DD does online or in her phone is fair game as far as snooping is concerned. It is actually quite useful as we discuss what is going on, what others are putting online and how it might be perceived. I am amazed by what some young girls post and even more amazed that any parent I their right mind is ok with some of this stuff.

[MmeLindor]

Instagram isn't your problem, OP. Instagram is just the communications method she's using, not the actual root of the behaviour issues. I don't deny that is easier to be nasty when you are not face to face with the person you are bullying, but the behaviour has to be tackled.

Have you spoken to her about sex? Not about sexting or internet messaging, but respecting her body, being honest and open.

Re the bullying, have a look at at this article, and speak to the school about how they can help her worth through her feelings.

I wouldn't take phone away or ban instagram - she needs to learn how to use social media safely. If you ban instagram, she'll go online elsewhere, or borrow a friend's school. I agree with MrsHP - a lot of my DD's friends use social media, and their parents are quite clueless.