Is it wrong for dd11 to wear a bikini?

[pasanda]

Just got back from 2 weeks in Greece where dd wore a bikini every day all day! She is going to Florida next week with her dad who thinks that a bikini 'sexualises' her and therefore she is not allowed to wear one there.

It doesn't bother me what she wears when away with him (she in fact knows he and her stepmother won't like it so is quite happy to wear a tankini) but I am a bit at how he thinks this is inappropriate.

He wants us to show a mutual front about the wearing of a bikini (i.e. not allowing it) but I argued this is impossible for me now, seeing as I have just spent 2 weeks with her in one and we also spent quite a while choosing a suitable one together.

My argument also is that she is not the one sexualising it, that thought would never cross her mind, (to her, and me, it is just an item of swim wear) … he is, by even thinking what he is thinking.

Do you allow your dd's to wear a bikini?

Bikinis are not sexual, particularly not on children, they are perfect for very hot weather and feeling comfortable. My girls wear whatever they want! Bikinis, swimsuits everything, no clothes, full burka whatever they are in the mood for they wear! It is their choice, and their choice alone and no one should be 'judging' your dd in any shape or form. Or somehow undermining her by bringing up something that she has probably not even thought about, much less attached to herself in any way. It is a very good way to make her start to feel very self conscious if she wasn't before. I would not stand for it.

I think your ex dh is probably trying to assert some control, or the stepmother is quietly influencing in a negative way (only you could see which one fits) as there are precious few adults with the exceptions of a few weirdos, who would even notice what a child is wearing or not wearing etc whilst they are at the seaside. It is immaterial. As long as they are happy and carefree we should be letting them be...

At 11y I think a bikini is fine.
Certainly at that age dd did and it fitted her well - her figure was developing enough to for a proper bikini. She's 13y now and almost always wears a bikini rather than a swimsuit.

When she was smaller she would wear a rash vest in Florida but she wouldn't be keen now. Then then we use sun screen and when visiting the water parks we are probably only there for 2-3 hours max as too hot for longer.

I can honestly say that dd wearing a bikini has in no way ever impacted on her absolute to throw herself about and play in the pool in any way. So long as it fits properly and covers her then there is no reason for it too. Bikini certainly has prevented her in the wave pools and big slides that's for sure!

I won't allow mine to wear bikinis.

Mainly because I don't think they're practical for two very pale, active children. If it's hot they need coverage, not more skin exposed to the sun.

I do also think they're about displaying bodies, for teens and younger adults at least. Swimsuits should be for swimming, playing, and being active. Most people I see in bikinis are sunbathing or swimming gently.

I don't like fashion swimsuits either though :). Once saw one in next that had so many frills the child would sink once it got waterlogged!

I could maybe compromise with a two piece crop top style. Very rarely see those though, it seems smaller is better, even on children.

I have never worn a bikini. Swimsuits are much more comfortable and secure.

Bikinis are far easy when it comes to going to the toilet, especially when at water parks and small damp toilet cubicles.

Even when dd was smaller at those places we opted for two piece uv sets rather than an all in one.

Why's it okay for boys to dash their tummy but not girls?

What?!

DD has worn both bikinis and swimming costumes since she was tiny as have her friends and as my friends and I did in the 70's. Why should they be worrying about wearing a bikini?

It says a lot about your ex DHs line of thought, frankly. Thank God you escaped from him.

Why do little girls wear bikini tops?

I don't think there's a problem with her wearing a bikini but I do think that the difference in opinion between you and her dad could cause upset as you say.

Can you say to DD that the bikini is looking very tired after two weeks of wear, chlorine etc and you think a new one is required for Florida and then happen to choose a tankini with her? My DD had some good Johnny b ones at eleven that looked neither childish or adult.

Then tell her dad she's kitted out the way he wants but you absolutely don't want it to become a topic of any discussion?

I guess BR that it depends on the 11yo. At 11y many girls have started to develop and want to cover themselves. At 11y dd didn't have the figure of a 'little girl' as such and would definitely have wanted to wear a top half to her swimsuit.

I can understand why an 11 year old would need a bikini top if she was wearing a bikini. That's why I asked why little girls wear them. Little- as in 3/4/5 ish.

My dd has a bikini which I sometimes let her wear but only in the UK.

In Greece and Florida, your dd should be wearing a rash vest/UV top IMO.

Nothing to do with sexualising, everything to do with the sun being hot and it not being healthy to slather your entire body in high factor suncream multiple times a day when you could just put on a purpose designed swim garment.

Br- I thought this was interesting on the subject.

rebeccahains.com/2015/07/21/ymca-pool-to-mom-baby-girls-need-to-wear-swim-tops-but-why/

DD is very lucky in that she doesn't really burn, she tans nicely. She was extremely proactive in applying the suncream much more than me and never actually 'sunbathed', if she was on the sun beds she was in the shade. There is no way she would wear a UV top at 11. The little kids (3-7) wore those, she is 5'5'' tall!

Mysteryfairy - the bikini is already in the bin! It was worn out by the end of 2 weeks I certainly don't get to choose the clothes she wears when with her dad, God forbid. They buy them all. In fact, one of the longstanding issues is that as soon as she got to their house, she would be told to change. And when she went straight to theirs in school uniform on a Friday, she would return to our house on Sunday…wearing her school uniform because, again, God forbid if she wore any of 'their' clothes with us But, we are working on the wrongness of all of this, with help from the psychotherapist and this has been getting better

HeartofGold - It is a very good way to make her start to feel very self conscious if she wasn't before.

^^This…if he has in any way made her feel bad over this weekend I shall be mightily pissed off

Despite looking like she is 13 (mainly due to her height), she is still really innocent and would not have linked the wearing of a bikini with being sexual, she really wouldn't.

Bert - high heels, thongs, padded bras etc are not generally for sale in the children's section of clothes shops, catalogues etc. But bikinis are, from age 3 upwards. I don't get your point really.

Children aren't all pale obviously mine certainly aren't - they have DH's Mediterranean colouring, dark brown eyes and oliveskin which goes very brown in summer - they use sunscreen once when wwe're at the outdoor pool but the only one who ever burns is me as I'm paler than my kids.

DD is very active in her bikini - down the slides, hand stands and ssomersaults in the water, jumping in offthe high board and playing with her brothers, and is utterly uunselfconscious and comfortable - unlike me in my tummy covering tanking or one piece in which it's more of a faff to go to the loo.

A normal children's bikini which fits is very practical indeed for an active child - more so for a whole day's wear mucking about at the outdoor pool than a one piece as easier to throw shorts on with when playing football/ vollyball/ eating in the cafe/ walking home and still be able to go to the loo without stripping right off and dropping stuff on public toilet floor...

In 40 degree heat it's certainly more comfortable than being more covered up.

Slightly o/t but please remember that a tan=skin damage. It means your skin is trying to protect itself from the sun and the DNa damage, which contributes to skin cancer.

Sorry but I've been on a couple of threads now where children with tans have been described positively "tans nicely", "golden tanned" etc.

It is still harmful. Not burning doesn't mean no damage. It is also the most ageing thing you can do to your skin!

Too little time in the sun is also being rrecognised as massively damaging though Micah - rickets , soft bones, depression, heart disease, cancer, even eye problems have been linked to too little sunlight.

These days 60% of people are vitamin D deficient even in summer...

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/619558

Of course it's fine for her to wear a bikini. It's all about context, if it's a bikini suited to someone of her age great, if it was a playboy bunny one with push up and diamante, maybe not.

As others have said, bikini's are much more comfortable and practical than a one piece in the heat. I don't even like tankinis, as I feel really hot and sticky in the extra fabric in hot countries, but wear one when it is not appropriate to wear a bikini, such as swimming lengths in the local pool.

I worry more about anyone who thinks a child in a bikini is somehow sexualised than the child wearing one. Your ex sounds like he has some strange issues and it's a pity they are impacting on your DD.

I know that nurnoch. Although most cases of rickets I believe are in children who are covered up/stay indoors/factor 50'd all year round.

My point was using positive language mean tans are still seen as a good thing. Healthy even. Children will pick up and buy into the brown is better than pale mentality- I've seen loads of teenagers with sunburn this summer because they want a tan.

I was just pointing out that even if you don't burn, or you're dark skinned, you still need to take care in the sun.

"Bert - high heels, thongs, padded bras etc are not generally for sale in the children's section of clothes shops, catalogues etc. But bikinis are, from age 3 upwards. I don't get your point really."

Also padded bras for girls are practical, breast buds are really sensitive and can be painful, the padding protects them and makes nipples less visible if they're self conscious.

People getting on their high horse about padded bras is why it's so hard to find them for developing pre-teens and teenagers...lots of shops now refuse to stock them after complaints. that totally makes young girls feel less self conscious about it...

Why do 3/4/5 year olds wear bikini tops?

Of course bikinis are sexualised, that's the whole point of them!

No it isn't.
I wear them because

1. I get a better tan
2. It's easier to go to the loo.

I wore one at age 11 and I think it's fine. Under 10 I wore them without the bikini top.
Little boys are ok to wear shorts and speedos aren't they? Are they being sexualised? Or is it just girls who must cover up the majority of their bodies?

Bertrand why do 3/4/5 year old girls wear one piece swimming costumes instead of trunks like their brothers? The answer to that is the same as the one to why they wear bikini tops. Long standing social convention I imagine, nothing more nor less. It remains perfectly acceptable for both genders to be topless at the beach/ outdoor pool if they want to be at 3/4/5 as IME at any rate.

What makes me sad about this story is that she will probably pick up on her father's 'disapproval' of said bikini and interpret it instead as disapproval of her body and femininity. It's such an impressionable age. He should really know better.