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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

daughter being teased because of my rules

32 replies

caliopexx2015 · 21/02/2015 11:39

Hello I need some impartial parenting advice. what would u do...? yesterday my dd who is 10 and her pals in our culture de sac had a fab day playing all was going well until they decided to pay hide and seek. my dd was 'it' however 3 of the kids ran off it sone waste ground that is behind the houses. my kids aren't allowed go in tete so dd said that's not fair I'm not allowed go in there. The other 3 kids proceeded to tell her she had ruined the game znd she always does this! she was in tears snd complete deflated - all joy previously forgotten. during the night she had nightmares and was crying in her sleep today she's very quiet and says she feels too tired to do anything. ..I really want to say something to the other kids parents but part of me feels it will make no difference. i feel awful for her. what would you do. Thanks

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caliopexx2015 · 21/02/2015 11:40

Sorry for spelling mistakes - it's the auto type!!

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AmysTiara · 21/02/2015 11:41

What would you say to the other parents? I can't see that they have done anything wrong

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caliopexx2015 · 21/02/2015 11:44

They teased her to the point of tears because she wasn't allowed to go somewhere dangerous. I don't know what I would have said I just felt I should do something! also these are her friends who are welcome in my house who she trusts. I just wanted some other views.

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chantico · 21/02/2015 11:46

Well, if you review the rule periodically and the wasteland remains unsafe for her, then there isn't much you can do.

The other children know she's not allowed, and might keep 'testing' her to see if she'll break the rules. When they realise she won't, then it's quite likely they'll play other games when she's there. And that will overwrite this one bad experience.

But if they continue to cause upset, then can you help your DD find other activities, which please her and give a perfect 'excuse' (IYSWIM) to stop hanging out with these others?

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lemisscared · 21/02/2015 11:48

I wouldnt mention it to the parents because they are being crap parents by allowing their kids to play there and you'll remind them of that.

I think this is one of those things where you have to stick to your guns.

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Sapat · 21/02/2015 11:52

Nothing, except praise your DD for staying safe in spite of peer pressure.
Explain to her again why it isn't safe and help her find ways of still being part of the group without compromising rule. Eg next time they want to go to the waste ground she can volunteer to come home for a pack of sweets to share when they come back in 10 minutes.

My DD had a similar incident where she was excluded at the park when they started doing obstacle courses. She was in floods of tears as she is horribly uncoordinated and felt embarrassed. I suggested she became the ref/time keeper/cheer leader.

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caliopexx2015 · 21/02/2015 11:54

Thank you so much for your replies I have a 7 year old as well so if I can get the rule for dd then I have to change the rules for him too and frankly it is too dangerous. kids can be so mean, her cries woke me during the night and I was awake for hours thinking about how bad she felt. Thanks for your points of view

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caliopexx2015 · 21/02/2015 11:57

Thank you sappat, I'm so proud of her for sticking to my rules and thinking of her safety first. told her to tell the kids that going in the wasteland wasn't in the rules of the game but these kids were having none of it hoe can kids be so hot and cold with each other? one minute great friends and the next so mean?

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AgentProvocateur · 21/02/2015 12:16

Why do you think the wasteland is dangerous? Is there actual danger, like mine shafts, or perceived danger? Playing on wasteland is part of childhood.

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SoupDragon · 21/02/2015 12:20

I wouldnt mention it to the parents because they are being crap parents by allowing their kids to play there and you'll remind them of that.

WTF? Having a different set of rules and a different risk assessment doesn't make someone a crap parent. What a ridiculous thing to say. Or do you have inside information that the wasteland is riddled with land mines, mine shafts and bear traps?

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AliceinWinterWonderland · 21/02/2015 12:23

Make sure she knows that you are proud of her for sticking to the rules. It's a good time to have a discussion about peer pressure and how sometimes you have to make choices that you know are right even if others don't.

Agent I can't see why that's an issue. If the OP feels it is unsafe, she is perfectly within her rights to keep her children out.

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MrsCakesPrecognition · 21/02/2015 12:24

If there is something intrinsically unsafe about your local wasteland, then you need to stick to your rules, but I would say that it is entirely healthy and normal to have different, age-appropriate rules for older and younger siblings. It is fine to tweak the rules for one without relaxing them for the other.

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TeacupDrama · 21/02/2015 12:25

it is perfectly ok to have different rules for 7year old to your 10 year old, it is not fair to restrict 10 DD because of 7 year old

in the case of wasteland it maybe perfectly reasonable to stop DD going but it is not reasonable if the only reason is that 7 year old can't go as well

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AliceinWinterWonderland · 21/02/2015 12:25

It wasn't the OP, by the way that said the other parents were "crap parents." It was another poster. The OP didn't say anything derogatory about the other parents at all.

Just because the other parents allow their children to go there, doesn't mean the OP needs to.

If the other parents jumped off a bridge, should the OP do so also?

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SavoyCabbage · 21/02/2015 12:27

I wouldn't feel that I had to let my younger child do things that I let my older child do. I think it's ok to have different rules.

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Notso · 21/02/2015 12:28

It's fine to have different rules for siblings. So I wouldn't worry about changing the rules for one and not the other.

Can she ever play on the wasteland? Is it really dangerous? Have you explained the specific dangers to DD?

I can remember never being allowed to play on 'big hill' for no apparent reason when all my friends were.

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Branleuse · 21/02/2015 12:28

at 10, i think she should be able to navigate the wasteland if its only behind the houses. What is your worry about it?

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MalibuStacy · 21/02/2015 12:36

We have a rule of absolutely NO Hide & Seek EVER. It is banned in our little family as not being able to see where the DC are is my idea of hell. A few times DS has said it's not fair as the other children are allowed to play it, but I don't care and I tell this to the other children as well: "my DC are NOT ALLOWED to play Hide & Seek."

Love the idea of your 'culture de sac'

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Marshy · 21/02/2015 12:38

I think I might be reviewing my rules about the waste ground as other parents seem to think it's ok. You may decide your rules stand in which case that's just the way it has to be

I agree that different rules can apply to 7s and 10s

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TurnOverTheTv · 21/02/2015 12:39

Even in the house MalibuStacy??

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Notso · 21/02/2015 12:40

I love playing hide and seek with my children.

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Marshy · 21/02/2015 12:41

I also was never keen on hide and seek for the same reason as malibu and I think it's a good idea that you tell the other kids that yours aren't allowed on the waste ground. Takes the heat off your dd a bit by putting the responsibility with you.

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MalibuStacy · 21/02/2015 12:41

TurnOverTheTv, we've never lived in a house big enough for it to be an issue

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TheGirlFromIpanema · 21/02/2015 12:46

lem I think overprotective parents are the crap ones tbh.

If there is a real danger then fair enough, but OP hasn't said that. Just that her 7 yr old is too young so her 10 year old isn't allowed there either.

However I would be worried about dd's reaction/over-reaction OP (sorry, can't think of a better word). Are there lots of rules which mark her out as 'different'? Is she possibly feeling torn between your rules and the preceived freedoms her friends have? Nightmares and crying in her sleep would indicate something much more upsetting than a one-off incident with my dc's.

Also loving the idea of living in a culture-de-sac

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SoupDragon · 21/02/2015 12:54

It wasn't the OP, by the way that said the other parents were "crap parents."I

No one said it was.

Just because the other parents allow their children to go there, doesn't mean the OP needs to.

No one said she did.

If the other parents jumped off a bridge, should the OP do so also?

Has anyone suggested this?

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