10yo daughter helps out voluntarily at stables and is being accused of not working hard enough

[Shellybash]

My daughter took up horse riding 7 months ago and absolutely loves it. Her and her trainer get on so well together and really share a special bond.

Since the summer, she and I have been helping out in the yard, mucking out, tacking up, all the usual stuff. She's a very petite age 10 (still wears 6 - 7 yrs clothes) so she's not exactly strong but really does her best.

In the last few weeks she has been going to the stables on her own to help out, however, in the last 3 weeks, I have had messages from the trainer advising that my daughter is causing issues.

A new yard manager appears to be advising the trainer that my daughter is not listening, is deliberately ignoring instructions, and is being lazy and is taking breaks when there's work to be done. My daughter typically spends between 4 and 8hrs there at any given time.

This seems so unlike the little girl who helped me at the summer. I didn't expect too much from her, and I know she loves to cuddle the ponies, but I was surprised and really pleased to see her tack up, un-tack, groom and carry saddles to and from the tack room! She struggles with the weight from even the tiniest saddle but she pushes through it! :)

This work is completely voluntary and my daughter gets no treat for doing it either from us, her parents, or the riding school. She simply just loves being there.

My first reaction is one of pure and utter RAGE as I know the stables are desperate for any help they can get, so to single out my daughter in this way seems very harsh in my opinion. If she sweeps up even a little, then she has done more than anyone who didn't show up to help that day..

If anyone has any advice or tips to help me calm down before I chat with the trainer I would very much appreciate it.

Thanks all x

errrr yes atticus, would def relook at your DSS situation.... while there can be "free time" on own a pony days the children should not just be allowed to run riot, there should be some rules as to where to play and not. If someone is taking money for this day its not a day to get free work out of kids but there are other horsey related things to do if the ponies have had enough done to them for the day where they can learn. Quizzes, "research", colouring, games etc that might take some setting up.... if one is being paid to run these days one must put effort into setting up activities.

I do it for members with learning difficulties so its possible if one is motivated to ohelp people learn.

I am rather liberal when it comes to balancing health and safety and the freedom to make choices / learn from ones own actions etc. I do some things that some people have kittens at. BUT Children would not be allowed to play on tractors EVER.

I made hay bale dens as a kid when I visited local farm, its fun.... but it may or may not be appropriate there I dont know depending how high and well its stacked and how they make the dens.

So, was supposed to have a chat today with my daughter's riding instructor, who I now class as a close friend. I knew it was going to be a struggle to say all we had to say in between tacking up/lessons, so I thought long and hard over the last couple of days, and penned a letter which I posted on email. I tried very hard to take the emotion out of it, and only state facts and offer solutions. I sent it just prior to taking my daughter for her lesson. When we got there, I went looking for the instructor and overheard her saying "shhhh" to the new yard manager. I looked at her and she looked bereft. I took her aside and spoke to her, but I'm going to let her calm down for a few days. She was super emotional and defensive. I comforted her, and told her I was sorry I'd made such a big deal out of it, and that I felt awful she was so upset at work. Now I feel like a wretch.... Why do we let really stupid things get in the way of particularly nice relationships???

shelly it's not a stupid thing, it's your daughter's welfare and you've done the right thing. Don't be sad.

Thx GraysAnalogy. I feel better for saying what I said to her - there was nothing personal at all in there, but utterly wretched that she's taken it so badly.. :-/ Thank you for the xxxx

I think I started 'helping' when I was about 11. I used to start 'late' due to a piano lesson so I used to get a free lesson every other week, rather than every week which you did if you started at 8.30 (fair enough). If I can remember correctly I would muck out probably 2 stables (or perhaps 3), perhaps tack up the odd pony (as many would be tacked up by the time I go there), hold ponies at lesson changes or bring others out or put them away, do leading rein duties for beginners lessons when required, clean tack, rug up and take ponies out to the relevant fields. I think the hardest job was carrying buckets of water - starting with only 2 half buckets was definitely the way to go.

Thanks Madrigals and mistlethrush. The trainer has said she thinks it would be a better idea to only have primary children if there's an adult there (I agree) and to limit the amount of time they're there too, which I also agree with. Obviously she's very stressed at the moment and doesn't have the capacity to mentor and educate the kids in the way she would like to at the moment. My dd is upset but not desolate and not being able to go so much any more, but I know it's for the best. We'll all learn from it, I'm sure. xx

The way they spoke to her was horrible but she is too young, we have horses and it's only now my DCs are 15 and 17 that they are there without me.

Thanks SilentAllTheseYears. I now agree. Having had no previous yard experience myself and knowing the stress the owner is under, this was obviously no help to her. I'll go with her when I can, and hopefully when she's older and can do more things on her own, it will work out better then. Thanks so much to all of you for all the comments, even the negative ones. It really helped. to you all x

I think being an outsider looking in it is fairly obvious that your dd is too young and they resent you leaving her there for 8 hours a day. She basically becomes their responsibility when you aren't there. I would really resent that too. I have three horses and I only really trust my 15 year old to help properly - ie properly muck out, properly tack up, be safe and sensible. I certainly wouldn't trust my 12 year old to do all this at a high standard. You say she's only been riding for 7 months? It takes longer than that to become really competent around horses. I think you are being a bit naive here. Pay for her lessons and pay for her pony days and if they offer to have her to help then only leave her for a couple of hours tops.

Hi danone68 - you're absolutely right, but I'd like to clarify a couple of points..

I agree my dd is too young. I wish I had hindsight.
I didn't "leave" her there - her help was requested by her instructor.
I agree she's "only" being riding 7 months, however I think the wee ones who show a willingness to share yard management duties should be encouraged, not criticised.

I agree her competence needs developed. My dd wanted it, I wanted it and the instructor wanted it. Sadly now, not to be, well not in the short term anyway.
I agree I was naive in supporting my daughter and the riding school.
I agree that in future she will only be there for maximum 2 hours at any time.

Thank you for your comments.

horsey people can be a little odd....