12 year old dd won't give in

[cazmcf]

Last night there was a big a row in our house. OH was checking dd's tablet and had discovered she's been messaging a stranger some disgusting messages. Only he seen the messages, as soon as he went out of the app the conversation disappeared.
He confronted dd with me there and she completely denied it, with tears and shouting. I have to admit I started to doubt OH, maybe he had read it wrong etc. But he knows what he seen. He got so angry with her denying it that he smashed the tablet and she's lost all internet access.
It took her 3 hours to eventually admit that she did send those messages, all the while blaming OH for rephrasing the meassage, but the jist of it was still the same.
Fast forward to today, she's been moody with me, refused to eat, still blames OH for rephrasing and just won't admit that she's in the wrong for sending those messages and lying.
How do I get her to see that her actions have caused all this tension? We had a long, calm discussion last night about how wrong the messages were, but also about lying so much and for so long. Today she still blames OH, i've talked and shouted. She's in her room now and is not alowed down unless to appologise. To be honest I'm so angry and dissapointed I don't want her near me at the moment.

What to do?

[cazmcf]

Sexual messages

[CinnabarRed]

I actually think smashing her tablet was bang out of order. I can see why she's still angry about that.

I also agree with PP that your OH may have over-reacted in the first instance (he definitely over-reacted by getting violent) depending on the content.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm assuming you are talking about sexual messages. If so, do you know who they were being sent to?

If you suspect your DD is being groomed online, do you not need to contact the Police?

[CinnabarRed]

Kissing? More?

[Rainicorn]

How were they disgusting?

She is probably also miffed he smashed her tablet. Is he usually so destructive when angry?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Sorry, x-posts. So, who were the messages to/from?

[cazmcf]

Oh believe me he regrets loosing his temper. But we all have moments of weakness.

[Rainicorn]

X posted.

Why did the convo disappear? What app was she using?

You need to have a discussion with her re web safety and grooming. She is old enough to understand.

Dh needs to apologise about the tablet, she also needs to apologise.

[CinnabarRed]

She's a child. If she's being groomed then it's not her fault.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I think we really need to know the gist of what was being said. Obviously, no-one wants their 12 year old messaging anyone about anything remotely sexual - but whether or not DD was in the wrong as such does actually depend on the subject matter.

[cazmcf]

It was kik. After you log out all conversations disappear. We had a long talk about web safety and grooming last night. We've also told her no more internet in her room (should have done this before, I know). OH appologised last night.
She does need to appologise, but I don't want to have to tell her to. I want her to realise what she did, the messages and lying was wrong by her self.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Or, actually, whether the recipient of the messages was doing anything wrong. i.e. was it a 12 year old friend or an adult.

[cazmcf]

The messeages started out innocent, both talking about school, she then instigated the sexual content. The other person was not that interested but she kept on. Feel ashamed even writing this.

[CinnabarRed]

When you say the recipient was a stranger, do you mean that s/he is a stranger to you but known by DD? Or a stranger to both of you?

[auntpetunia]

I've been there with my DS at roughly the same age. I would leave it now or a day or two. No internet or phone etc for rest of week and if she needs it for school then you give it her as she leaves and you take it off her when she comes in. If she's in her room ensure she's not found anothe way to on line DS etc. If she hasn't apologised by Friday then same again over weekend. She need to know you are in charge and mean what you say. I also said I would have contacted school if I was concerned it was grooming ( in DS case it was silly boys messing around).

Hope she calms down and you can all get past this.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

OK, that does actually help from a stranger's point of view.

Do your DD & OH get along well normally? Or is it part of a bigger issue?

[cazmcf]

She met a bunch of kids on minecraft a year ago, they've been chatting and playing games ever since. It was one of them. I call them a stranger because she doesn't know whos on the otherside of the screen. In saying that I have allowed her to skype, with my supervision and they have all been children of the same age.

[cazmcf]

OH and dd do get on, but he's the tough one and I'm the soft one, so I'm normally stuck in the middle lol

[LastingLight]

Cazmcf we recently caught 12 year old dd watching porn online. It's shocking. We like to think they are still innocent children but the harsh truth is different. We've clamped down on internet usage and monitor her a lot more closely now. You live and learn. Don't beat yourself up about it, much as we would like to it is impossible to control everything our 12 year olds are exposed to. Having frequent conversations about safety, self respect etc. is the best you can do.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

And yes, I agree that you should carry on as normal and let DD calm down in her own time.

Stick to whatever sanctions you have imposed with regard to internet, tablet use, phone use etc. etc. and she will eventually get the message that she did something wrong.

FWIW my goddaughter did something similar at age 13/14. Her phone & iPad were taken away & she was only allowed to use her mum's laptop in the living room for essential homework. She was given her phone & iPad back on her 16th birthday! Whenever the issue was raised in the meantime, GD's parents would tell her that she would have her internet access back when she was old enough to be trusted to use it.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

It's hard to know really, without knowing more - and the people involved.

How much difference is there between what OH says she wrote and what DD says she wrote?

Is he her Dad? What is their relationship like?

How long have you been with him and is this the first time he's smashed something in temper?

Your OH, is he a tad over the top with what he would regard 'sexual' and what one of us or your DD would class as sexual?

Does DD know this person in real life?

How did she make contact with them if not?

Sorry for so many questions, but we can help you until we know more.

[dontgetsickpay]

Maybe she needs some support and a talk instead of anger and damaging property

[cazmcf]

No what she wrote was terrible, I'd rather not repeat it. Yes OH is her dad, he loves her and was worried, dissapointed and annoyed. She completely denied even writing it for the longest of time, thats why tempers flayed. DD has skyped this person, another child, but still the messages were shameful.

Thank you for the helpful advice

[cazmcf]

Please read the whole thread before commeting