12 year old dd won't give in

[cazmcf]

Last night there was a big a row in our house. OH was checking dd's tablet and had discovered she's been messaging a stranger some disgusting messages. Only he seen the messages, as soon as he went out of the app the conversation disappeared.
He confronted dd with me there and she completely denied it, with tears and shouting. I have to admit I started to doubt OH, maybe he had read it wrong etc. But he knows what he seen. He got so angry with her denying it that he smashed the tablet and she's lost all internet access.
It took her 3 hours to eventually admit that she did send those messages, all the while blaming OH for rephrasing the meassage, but the jist of it was still the same.
Fast forward to today, she's been moody with me, refused to eat, still blames OH for rephrasing and just won't admit that she's in the wrong for sending those messages and lying.
How do I get her to see that her actions have caused all this tension? We had a long, calm discussion last night about how wrong the messages were, but also about lying so much and for so long. Today she still blames OH, i've talked and shouted. She's in her room now and is not alowed down unless to appologise. To be honest I'm so angry and dissapointed I don't want her near me at the moment.

What to do?

Hope things have calmed down for you now! I have been through it! It's ok to be angry! Their our baby's and always will be to us! Shocking as it may be I think most kids do silly things. It's part of growing up! She will apologise and you will forgive her and get past this. Now you know what's been going on just keep an extra eye on her and monitor her usage. Dads or farther figures of girls seem to be a lot more protective of them. Yes your partner got angry! Can u blame him? Give it time and all 3 of u need to sit down and talk. He does need to apologise to her for the way he reacted. Nip it all in the bud now. She's growing up and it doesn't get easier unfortunately. Xx

Hi, I think what your OH did was understandable actually, and although not ideal, maybe the strength of his emotion may help her understand the magnitude of what has happened. Not having the tablet is no bad thing either. I know others would disagree. My concern would be if this were my child that something has taken place before this that has given her experience of this sexual language that you make reference to, has someone else been grooming her, separate to this, either in rl or online. They say that inappropriate sexual language or behaviour can be a sign of sexual abuse, I would want to make absolutely sure this wasn't the case. She is lying because she is embarrassed. Being angry over that I don't think will help, she likely will feel ashamed right now. What you need to do is get to the bottom of where this came from in an honest and frank way.

Hi, I just wanted to thank everybody for the advice. It's nice to know that I'm not the only parent going through the pre teen years and problems associated with it.

Last night we all had a calm discussion, she appologised, he appologised and we made sure to let her know that we love her know matter what mistakes she makes, but she must tell the truth sooner. Lying will get her no where.

I did ask OH will he replace the tablet, he said not yet, it'll do her no harm not to have one for a while. I suppose he's right.

Any way again thank you

Glad it's sorted - but your dh is wrong not to replace the tablet - be broke it in anger which he agreed was wrong, so if he hadn't made that mistake she'd still have it. Therefore he needs to make up for his error of judgement and buy another one. and you need to TELL him that - not ask him!

Teens lol. No it won't do her any harm to not have it for a while! Defo with you on encouraging honesty. When I think back to my teens! The silly things I did We all have been there and have grown up to be ok take care

Well he was wrong to smash it, of course he was. But he takes the consequence of that (paying to replace it) so your DD will see that. - I would spell it out to her, tbh.

But surely if he hadn't smashed it, she would have lost it for a while as a punishment?

I think your DH should replace the tablet asap.

But you should ban her from it for e.g. 2 weeks due to the lying.

Then you should say she is obviously not mature enough to have the open access to stuff she has had before and put in proper controls:

• no internet (incl phone) in her room
• proper parental control restrictions, including but not limited to, chat functionality
• agreements that you can and will check what she does at any time
• agreement to review level of restrictions when she is older and more responsible (e.g. in 6 months to a year)