Stress and awful behaviour after starting secondary school

[MajesticWhine]

Had such a huge shouty argument with DD (11) this morning that my neighbour asked me later what was going on. I find this very embarrassing. DD is so volatile, whatever I say she screams and shouts at me. She is stressed out with her new school and has lost several important things (timetables, travel card, etc). If I try to get involved and help her get organised for school, she says I have no right to get involved and I'm being "controlling". But she is only 11. Surely she needs her mum to be involved with her life and help her out?
I feel I have to tell her to take a shower, put her clothes in the wash, brush her hair etc. She resents this, but she doesn't take enough care of her self without prompting, so I feel I need to do this, or she will go several days unwashed.
If I don't check up on her, she never has any of her things organised for school. But she won't let me get involved. She refuses breakfast and comes home and tells me my cooking is disgusting and she won't eat it.
Help. Rant over. Please someone say it isn't just me.

My daughter has just started High School. Since she hit 11 her behaviour can be so awful. Just asking her to get a shower on a morning and take care of personal hygiene creates a reactive missile. The fact that I have to ask / prompt is draining. Fast forward, post nuclear war and she’s got an IPad ban, made my husband late for work and refused to go to my friends house for a pre planned walk with her daughter to the ice cream parlour (we were going to treat them and grab a coffee). Ruined my day, I dare say no IPad or devices has ruined hers too. Dad comes home and she asks for the return of her IPad. We explain again why she has lost it. No, it wasn’t because she wouldn’t get a shower (she thinks because she eventually got one it was ok) but because of her awful behaviour and attitude.... had suggested throughout the day that she carries out her homework and reads (hasn’t done). She didn’t eat lunch - everything I make is disgusting these days (it was pizza!!!). Needless to say WW3 breaks out and she ends up in her room. I’ve tried talking, shouting, punishing. I’m at my witts end. Apparently I’m abusive so I’ve suggested she calls the police and reports me to her school if she really feels that strongly (it’s a joke, honestly. I have raised my voice when she has pushed me, that is all). I’m thinking, good god. She is 12. It’s going to get worse. What can I do?!!!!

This thread is reassuring!

My Dd is organised and showers are no problem but my God her attitude!!

She is being such a teenager but only 11.
I think I'll take the advice here and back off a bit although it feels wrong to do so.

There have been many friendship issues already and she seems to have a lot of anger. I know she has rung Childline (she doesn't know I know).

My son is now Y8 and things are much more settled. Y7 was a steep learning curve for both of us - he was angry!

I found he needed cuddles and plenty of them. He'd come in and we'd just cuddle up on the sofa or just have a big hug - sometimes it felt like he was clinging to me for dear life! He needed reassurance that home hadn't changed I think.

Saturday afternoon, on the sofa, cuddled up watching a film. He needed predictable, family time to help with all the changes in the rest of his life.

Bedtime is pre-9pm - we're a family who needs sleep else we're all grouchy.

Things got better in January and he'd accepted the homework load and would just come in and start on it, by Easter he loved his school and by July, he was proud to show people around at open evening.

And, now we're through the other side! He's now settled, knows what to expect etc. Now if I could just solve some of the other teenage attitude we'd be doing great! Ha ha!