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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Is it normal for my dd just to bring other kids round?

30 replies

katrina81 · 10/09/2013 09:45

My dd is nearly 12 and has just started high school, she is my first born so I am all new at this stuff.

She has a friend from primary who has latched on to my dd. They walk to and from school together which is fine, she lives about a 10 min walk away.

This child keeps coming home with DD after school, coming right in the house begging for DD to go with her to her house I keep telling her no DD has homework etc. She turned up yesterday as we were having tea and just came in and said I will wait till you have finished, then DD went to the park with her and DD was a bit late home. This girl then come in again and basically I had to tell her to go in the end.

When I was at school you made prearranged visits to someones house maybe once a week or so. But this is turning into a daily event. This girl just wanders in and I am feeling uncomfortable in my own home. My DD is shy and quite easily led.

Is this normal once kids grow up or should I tell this girl not to come back unless invited.

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DameDeepRedBetty · 10/09/2013 09:50

We had this for a while, we live conveniently close to about half way home for a lot of the children, and very close to the bus stop that they can use if they are going back to one of the villages. In the end I set a blanket rule that no visit can last after 4.30 in the week and 6 on Fridays.

I think you're just going to have to keep being a very bossy mum until it sinks in to this child's head.

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Fairylea · 10/09/2013 09:53

I have a pre teen.

I think you need to sit down with your dd and establish some ground rules so she can communicate these to her friends without you having to tell the friends directly. That way you don't become the dragon parent :)

I think asking with you first is perfectly reasonable if they are expecting to come in the house to play. I think knocking to play out if perfectly fine but if they want to come in then a quick "let me check with mum... oh she's busy doing something important, sorry let's go out instead" is fine.

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tametortie · 10/09/2013 09:55

Kids love boundaries imo. We have the same issue with kids in the street but I find being bossy and strict has stopped them walking straight into my house and shouting through the living room window and for some odd reason they seem to love it??!!

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TwoStepsBeyond · 10/09/2013 10:00

My DS always has friends coming in and out, tbh, they spend more time in the garage/garden than in the house, but I'm just happy that he is occupied and being sociable, not sitting on his own playing xbox.

I wish the younger DCs' friends would just pop in rather than having the aggravation of arranging 'play-dates' and you don't have to feed them if they're uninvited

Can't see a problem with it myself, and not sure why you feel uncomfortable about DD having a friend in the house.

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 10:02

Thanks for the advice. I will keep being bossy mum then. I think it's fine if someone knocks on for her and I will tell them she is busy, we are having tea etc, but to just wander in it is not ok, and once she's in I feel bad saying to her can you go home please.

Do your kids go out on a school night to the park etc and what time do they have to be home?

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tametortie · 10/09/2013 10:03

Agree with twosteps especially as my DD is an only. Its nice for her to have company. And you dont have to feed them- dead true!

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Iwaswatchingthat · 10/09/2013 10:05

This thread has reminded me of my dad just getting so sick of the doorbell being rang by kids after school that he would just open it and tell whoever was standing there to 'bugger off'.

All the other parents rated his honesty and for some reason all of our friends thought this was brilliant and never held it against him. They still talk about it now.

At least everyone knew where they stood!!!

Can you imagine that happening now??!!!!

I agree with other posters OP - be the strict mum with rules.

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tametortie · 10/09/2013 10:05

yes, I agree with the not wandering in to your house. I told the girls in my street that to walk into a house without knocking and being invited in is really rude and we dont like rude children in our house. be bossy and set the rules! Its your house!

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 10:06

Twosteps, I am pleased she is sociable and has friends, and as I said I am new to all this, but they don't just go in her room, this kid just sort of lingers around in the lounge and just walks in.

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tametortie · 10/09/2013 10:08

Kids do seem to love rules and a good telling off never hurt anyone. If the kids in our street keep knocking, I do have a rant. Its crap when you are trying to cook tea etc. But, they never mind. They just say 'ok' and wander off. They have to learn!

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CaptainSweatPants · 10/09/2013 10:09

Lock the door?

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CiderwithBuda · 10/09/2013 10:09

I think it's whatever works for you really. When I was growing up it was popping in and out of friends houses or whatever. Usually one particular friend as her parents works and she was home alone.

I would love my DS to have that but there are no kids his age close enough so everything is pre-arranged.

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piratecat · 10/09/2013 10:09

oh god we are having similar. Secondary school has induced a whole new social life it seems, and one girl in particular has decided to pop in every night.

I told dd to text me and ask first.

We have had to have a few chats about new 'rules', which I think is the way to go.
It's all new to us and them.

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curlew · 10/09/2013 10:09

Does your dd want her to come in?

I think once they are in secondary school, then they have a right to their own social lives. My ds is in year 8, and will usually warn me if he's bringing someone home with him. But not always- why should he? He lives here too! I don't ask him if it's OK for me to have a friend round!

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Fairylea · 10/09/2013 10:11

Twosteps .. Well I don't really like having people or dc in and out of my house all day unless it's pre arranged with me.

I just can't relax. But I appreciate some people are ok with it :) - I'm the sort of person that doesn't even like family just dropping in!

As for playing out after school, dd is allowed to go to the park right next to us from between school finish and 5. She must drop her stuff in from school first though - mainly so I know she's home from school etc etc.

To come in at 5 / 5.30 gives her time to have a shower, wind down from school and do any homework before dinner.

A lot of her friends were out till 8 in the summer but I think that's much too late.

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 10:19

Curlew, DD is easily led and I don't think she really wants her to come in she likes to chill after school in her room. Her dad works shifts though so he can be in bed at unusual times so kids can't really come back unplanned.

I was thinking it over in my head last night it is DD's house too, but I thought I would check with the wisdom of mumsnet. I guess I just need to relay the ground rules to her.

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 10:22

Fairylea, I am like you I just can't relax when others are here, and I don't want to make the girl feel uncomfortable.

This girl turned up at 5pm last night just as I was serving tea, so of course my dd rushed her food and they never come back till 7.05 with this girl just wandering in, and I felt that was a bit late for a school night.

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valiumredhead · 10/09/2013 10:31

Have a chat with dd and say if she had friends over then rules are they play out out in her bedroom.

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valiumredhead · 10/09/2013 10:37

Can't the girl text /phone your dd first?

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ChunkyFicken · 10/09/2013 10:50

It is tricky. Could you have an open house policy on two nights a week (Fri perhaps and one other)? With rules about where your DD goes and time to be home etc?

I would work it out as a family then tell the visiting friend. I don't think I would leave it up to my shy, easily led daughter to set out the rules to mates though. Mine always liked me to do that as it sort of let them off the hook.

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 10:58

Good idea chunky might tell dd that on a Friday she can go out with her mate after school, but during the week she has to be home before 5pm, it is difficult as this girl has loads more freedom compared to DD.

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Madmog · 10/09/2013 11:10

My daughter is in Year 8 and main get togethers, ie for tea or a whole afternoon tend to be pre-arranged. However, I never now what is going to happen first thing in the morning or after school. Sometimes my daughter will meet a group at a house nearby, other times some girls call for her on the way to this house. Sometimes she does come back to collect a few things as they have arranged to go to a friend's house - I'm aware the parent won't know until they both arrive but seems happy about it when I've raised it with her.

It's a hard one, you want them to have the company and friends, but at the same time you don't want a friend keep turning up at inconvenient times. I think it would be a good idea to suggest to your daughter, she is allowed out until say 4.30pm/5pm whatever you think each day or she has a couple of evenings a week when she stays in to catch up. The school probably have given too much homework yet with it being the couple of weeks, so you may find that when they both have a lot to do, the other girl won't be so free herself.

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katrina81 · 10/09/2013 17:16

Well DD is home without friend, today she said to DD "shall I bring my nail varnish when I come over later", so DD said she was grounded and not allowed visitors. However on the way home this girl was accused of shoplifting in the corner shop, I had heard rumours but chose to ignore them as giving her a chance, however not very keen for DD to hang round with her now.

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valiumredhead · 10/09/2013 17:21

Ds turned up with a mate in tow this evening

I would not be happy for ds to be hanging around with a shop lifter.

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cory · 11/09/2013 07:17

I think by the time they get to upper junior you have to accept that it's their home as much as yours, so if you can bring a friend home or have someone round for a coffee without pre-arranging it with dc, then they have the same right.

Or else you can have a general family rule that nobody can bring anyone home without pre-arranging it with the rest of the family. After all, your friend dropping in for a coffee impacts on them in a very similar way to their friends dropping in for a play or chat.

Or you can have a rule that we are open on these days, but on e.g. Friday nobody brings anyone home without checking it with the rest of the family.

Different with small children because then you actually have to do the work of looking after them and entertaining them.

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