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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Rude humour or evidence my son's been 'accessing hardcore gay porn'? You decide.

103 replies

Spidermama · 10/05/2013 14:20

I've just come back from lunch with my friend. Our DSs are 11 and a half and just getting ready for secondary school. They've been best mates for years.

Po-faced she handed me a bit of paper she'd fished out of the bin with writing on it from both her ds and mine. You know the game where you write the line of a story then fold it over and someone else writes the next line and you build up a story together? Well this was one of those.

They'd drawn willy pictures on one side and on the other side written the rudest stuff they could possibly think of because that's what makes 11 year olds laugh.

Let's call my ds 'A' and hers 'B'

B: They played spin the bottle at the prostitutes house.
A: It got boring so they decided to suck cocks and enjoy it.
B: After a while they eat each other.
A: Then one of them went up to the bum hole land.
B: It got boring so they diced (sic) to have a threesome.
A: After a while they eat cock.

You get the idea. Anyway my friend tells me she's very concerned that my DS has been 'exposed' to hardcore gay porn and she doesn't want her DS to be affected by this.

I was a little shocked to see it at first because obviously my 11 year old doesn't use this sort of language in front of me. However, the more I looked at it, the more it seemed like perfectly ordinary exploration of sexuality mixed with a bit of 11 year old let's-see-how-shocking-we-can-be type of antics.

I'm very hurt at my friend's implication that it's all being led by my DS when they've clearly both enjoyed the game. I told her she's deluding herself in this respect. She's confronted her DS about and said he was mortified. I told her I felt she'd invaded their privacy somewhat and was over reacting.

I'm also told her I'm concerned about her concentration on the 'gay' aspects of it. Personally I don't see the relevance.

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LaurieFairyCake · 10/05/2013 14:26

She's an idiot. It's just silly 11 year old stuff, not a hint of gay pirnography in there.

The appropriate response would have been keeping it til his wedding speeches and reading it out

Some people really do love to overreact.

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Catmint · 10/05/2013 14:26

I can't see anything there which is specific to gay sexuality.

Even if there was, your friend should realise that some people are gay, and get over it.

On the bigger issue of whether the exchange appears to be influenced by access to porn - there is no evidence of that.

The allegation that your ds is somehow leading hers astray - no evidence of that either.

Fwiw, I think your reading of the situation looks far more plausible.

It can't have been comfortable reading for you....but I think you should give your ds his privacy on this one.

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PMTIsMe · 10/05/2013 14:29

The gay thing is plain daft. I don't think it means anyone has been accessing hard core porn either...but I suppose I might be intrigued as to where it had come from. I know I was reading James Herbert at that age and got all sorts of info from there. Could you ask in a no-blame, just wondering sort of way? Equally, he could have made it up off the top of his head at that age I would say, with no real understanding that he was describing a real sex act. My DS2 aged 3 offered to kiss DS2's willy once in the bath....and I know full well in DS2's mind it was just a funny thing to say because wee, poo, bottoms, willys...you know! Its all so damned funny at that age.

Is your DS young for his age?

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 14:29

I'm almost crying with relief at these responses so far. Thanks.

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 14:31

By the way my ds is pretty camp. Quite possibly gay. To me that's immaterial and I resent her focus on it and told her so.

She says this has nothing to do with the orientation but she did keep focusing on it and mentioning it so I think she's less comfortable with it than she's letter herself believe.

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PMTIsMe · 10/05/2013 14:33

Oh dear. In that case she is being a loon. Worried her boy will catch it no doubt

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thefirstmrsrochester · 10/05/2013 14:35

Complete overreaction.
Fairly typical behaviour of boys that age (my own ds included).
And if ds & his mates are anything to go by, accessing or trying to access rude piccies, is also normal.
Your son is hardly leading her son astray. And she does seen to view homosexuality as a deviant path.
She needs to get over herself i think.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 10/05/2013 14:37

OH fgs. It's 11 year old boys. And one's as bad as the other.

I have posted before on here about how I went batshit at DS1 searching "big boobs" and that by the time I got to DD2 "justin Beiber naked" only made me giggle.

Tell her to get herself to Asda and buy a grip. She'll need it there's worse to come.

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GenghisCanDoHisOwnWashing · 10/05/2013 14:39

My dd is a year younger that yours. She wouldn't have a clue about what your DS and his friend are talking about. Have either of them got older siblings that would be telling them stuff?

Tbh I wouldn't jump to the hard core porn idea but I would wonder where my dd had heard this and would not be happy about it.

The gay aspect of your friends concern is not necessarily homophobic - unless you think she wouldn't be concerned about the same sort of content on a heterosexual theme.

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kotinka · 10/05/2013 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spidermama · 10/05/2013 14:53

My ds is quite young for his age PMT in many ways yes. He also has two teenage siblings.

The thing is, I feel even though I'm invading his privacy, I'm going to have to talk to him about it just because my friend has grilled her DS.

I will however let him know that I think she was wrong to invade their privacy and is over reacting. I'll say I'm not worried but if he's going to write down rude stuff like this he should make sure he protects his own privacy.

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 14:55

I will also ask him where he's learned about this sort of stuff. Because I am interested.

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PMTIsMe · 10/05/2013 14:59

Ah well with 2 older siblings of course an 11 year old would be hearing stuff like that! And yes, a young 11 year old and his mate would no doubt find it great fun to write the rudest things they could think of! Sometimes I shout BUM as loud as I can, and I'm in my 40's

I think you are right tho, a 'protect your privacy' chat may be needed. Silly really, a case of daft boy-ness being turned into something heavy.

Will you try to clear the air with the friend's mum? Is she your friend too?

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kotinka · 10/05/2013 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstmrsrochester · 10/05/2013 15:06

Even if there are not older siblings to lead the way, there will be plenty of contenders in their classmates. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in my ds school at break time.

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 15:06

Kontika he's still in Y6.

PMT I am feeling pretty hurt at the moment.

We;ve been friends for a years. In fact we met at ante natal group when we were pregnant with the DSs in question. It would be a shame to lose her friendship.

However but her tone really stung me today and I felt very protective over my DS. She kept saying it looked as though my ds had accessed gay porn and she doesn't want her ds exposed to that. So I'm not feeling too friendly towards her at the moment.

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 15:07

Kotinka (sp)

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megandraper · 10/05/2013 15:16

It sounds like she's jumping to the conclusion that your DS is gay/has gay tendencies, therefore would be likely to have looked at gay porn, therefore is leading her son to look at / talk about gay sex/porn.

YANBU to be upset by that. She is out of order suggesting that your son was leading the way in this game, unless there's something else you don't know about to suggest it.

Personally, I would be bothered by the things that had been written down (perhaps because I only have little DC so am naive!) I would wonder where it was coming from. Some of the terminology/scenarios sound a bit porn-like - might come from other, older children describing stuff they've seen/heard about. Other parts of it sounds completely childish and typical 'being rude'.

But your friend sounds prejudiced and a bit thick. You are right to be wary of her.

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ChewingOnLifesGristle · 10/05/2013 15:16

I have an 11 yr old ds in yr6 and I'd be pretty to find him writing that tbh. I can see I'll probably be in the minority on here on this though.

The sexual orientation wouldn't be the concern in itself but that's quite a lot of er, detail.

I can see why you feel upset that your friend has landed this totally at your door though.

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poorbuthappy · 10/05/2013 15:19

I would have to ask her why it so obvious that my ds rather than her ds had been looking at gay porn.

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Spidermama · 10/05/2013 15:22

I did poorbuthappy. She didn't have a good answer but she did keep restating it.

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hurricanewyn · 10/05/2013 15:24

You're right - it is just rude humour. With some healthy curiosity mixed in.

When my DS was 7 I left him playing on cbeebies' website & went off to make a cup of tea. Came back & he was still on there, but when I looked at the history later that night, he been pn Google. In the history was a search for

"nakey laddies".

We have it on a safe search, so he obviously didn't see what he wanted, so the next search was

"nakey laddies with no clothes on".

Still no joy, so the final attempt before I came back in was

"nakey laddies with no clothes on AT ALL"

(obv the stupid machine was annoying him by that stage). I was a bit freaked out, esp as he was so young, but it's just a normal development thing.

He's 10 now & not showing any signs of deviance yet.

Maybe have a chat about privacy & perhaps about sex not being like what you see on the tv/Internet. But don't tie yourself up in knots about it.

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kotinka · 10/05/2013 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spidermama · 10/05/2013 15:26

Hurricane that's SO funny.

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OutragedFromLeeds · 10/05/2013 15:26

I think the suggestion that they've seen some porn is valid. Or that someone in their peer group has because I can't see where else they would get stuff like that.

I don't see any reason why it would be gay porn. If it was I don't understand why that's relevant unless your friend is homophobic.

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