Preteens
My child is the only child not invited to this party
Ginda · 18/10/2012 20:00
DS (11) is in year 6. He is one of 6 boys in his year at school (v small village school). One of the others, T, is having a birthday party soon. As background, my mum looks after my 2 DCs every day after school and T and his sister also go to her house after school until their parents get home (all kids are over age 8, the parents pay my mum for this).
So, T gives DS an invitation to his party today, which is actually an invitation to tea at his house AFTER the party activity, which is laser quest. T says to DS "I'm sorry but I can only have a certain number of people to laser quest so you can't come but to make up for it you can have 2 pieces of cake".
DS realises from classroom chat that all of the other boys in his year group HAVE been invited to the laser quest and he is the only one not invited.
I am livid. This is not the first occasion on which DS has been the only boy excluded from a party, which I think is completely unacceptable in such a small year group. He has generally been socially excluded at school and I have regular contact with the head teacher about it. It makes my heart ache for him because he just wants to be part of the gang, but he isn't.
On this occasion it feels particularly brutal as this child is in my mum's house with DS every day after school. Given that his parents are completely dependent on her for cheap childcare, I wouldn't have thought it would be that much of a stretch for them to just insist to T that DS must be invited.
I am fairly sure that what will happen when my mum conveys her displeasure to these parents is that they will then extend the invitation to DS. I don't know what to do then. Gut feel says that as T stated quite clearly to DS that he was not invited to the activity, DS should not go where he isn't welcome just because the parents later realise that they have shot themselves in the foot somewhat. On the other hand, DS is so desperate to be included that even though he recognises the truth of the situation, he would probably seize the chance anyway.
What would you do in this situation?
Beamur · 18/10/2012 22:40
I am 
on your behalf.
You know the 'mistake' with the invitation is bullshit. But, I'd say let your son go and try and be gracious about it. (You so have the moral highground!)
I say this with some passion as am currently dealing with my own feelings of righteous indignation about my own DD being left out of a party at her school too! Her class is equally tiny and as far as I can work out, all the other girls in her year (all 3 of them!) have been invited and she hasn't. I could (and have) felt really pissed off, yet can't be too annoyed as I'd already arranged a party myself on the same evening and had already invited the other 3 girls...
takeonboard · 18/10/2012 22:44
It is really bad on the parents part to allow their son to leave 1 person out, they are responsible for ensuring he does the right thing at this age.
You have definitely made the right decision in sending him to a different secondary, for exactly the same reasons my DS went to a secondary school where he knew no one a year ago. He was nervous about being unpopular too and has really blossomed - it was the best decision we ever made. Roll on next September for your DS 
Ginda · 18/10/2012 23:04
Thanks takeonboard, that's really encouraging to hear. I am so looking forward to a new start and hopefully some more friendly children for him to get to know.
I am letting him go to the party but will be with a cheaper present than would otherwise have been...
visualarts · 19/10/2012 07:12
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Frontpaw · 19/10/2012 12:09
Here's some suggestions
parentables.howstuffworks.com/family-matters/10-astonishingly-annoying-toys.html
pictish · 19/10/2012 12:18
Oh OP there are few things that make my heart splash into my stomach on here than reading posts about children being singled out to be left out of party invites. It is shitty shitty shit shit, and parents who do this, or allow their child to do it should have rotten fruit thrown at them in the town square.
Also hate the why-should-my-child-invite-someone-he-doesn't-like argument. I'll tell you why - because to not invite one child makes you a fucking bastard, and it really is that simple. We should be teaching our children kindness and fairness, and leaving one kid out is the polar opposite of those things. Any parent who supports this kind of nastiness is a fud. GRRR!
drjohnsonscat · 19/10/2012 12:21
That's bad. I'm so sorry. You can't exclude just one. You invite all. Or organise a smaller thing that excludes a few so it's not so pointed.
Can't believe they could be so rubbish for the sake of £8. The only thing I can think of is that your concerns about your son being socially excluded are very apparent to you but not to them. I'm sure your own perception of your son is correct but maybe they are a bit oblivious and didn't really think about it because he doesn't strike them that way so it was a random selection rather than it being your son again who is the one left out? Clutching at straws here. It's still a totally crap thing to do.
People are totally rubbish aren't they.
Ginda · 19/10/2012 13:06
Well, today the dad has spoken to my mum. Apparently the exclusion was due to the logistics of getting all the kids to the laser quest in the family cars. However, he did not offer the option of "could you possibly drop [DS] off and collect him as we don't have room in the car?". I don't know what my mum said to him but I then got a text from the mother saying she was very upset by all the fuss and had been in tears over it and no hurt had been meant.
Feels a lot like a mountain out of a molehill, but I still think that if transport was the issue then that could very easily have been dealt with by simply saying so at the time of the invitation. That's what I would have done anyway.
drjohnsonscat, good point about the parents not being aware of DS feeling excluded at school. That's fair. However, I still can't get past the whole taking all the kids except for one thing. It just seems so pointed, even if for a "good" reason like transport. Choose another activity, or rope in another mum to help with the transport. Not such a big deal, surely?
Ginda · 19/10/2012 14:03
I love Mumsnet.
Being very British, I had started composing a text response to the mother beginning "I am sorry you have been in tears this morning", but having found some sympathy on MN, I thought better of it and just pointed out that it was regrettable that DS was the ONLY child not to be invited. She hasn't replied.
HoleyGhost · 19/10/2012 14:27
The mother's text was passive aggressive. You can see where this is coming from. If it is any reassurance I was always excluded when I was that age. I was unpopular as a child but have had no difficulty making friends as an adult.
I think that popularity is over rated, but friends of a similar age are important - is there anything your ds could do in the evenings during the week to get to know more children his own age?
TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2012 14:36
The mother was in tears? Yes, at being caught out behaving like a bitch and lying about it, and feeling sorry for herself. She should have thought about the hurt she was causing to a child and then maybe her precious feelings would be intact. "No hurt intended" is not an excuse for having upset someone through thoughtlessness. If she was sorry she would have said so. I am quite hardline about no one being entitled to a party invitation, but knowingly excluding one boy out of a group of six is just mean unless there is bullying etc involved.
janek · 19/10/2012 14:42
Can i just reassure that your son is not the 'unpopular' one because he is on the periphery of 6 boys. That's not a big enough pool to begin with. Secondary school will be a whole other ball game - tutor group, different sets for maths/english/whatever, everyone around at lunchtime, the world will be his oyster!
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