My child is the only child not invited to this party

[Ginda]

DS (11) is in year 6. He is one of 6 boys in his year at school (v small village school). One of the others, T, is having a birthday party soon. As background, my mum looks after my 2 DCs every day after school and T and his sister also go to her house after school until their parents get home (all kids are over age 8, the parents pay my mum for this).

So, T gives DS an invitation to his party today, which is actually an invitation to tea at his house AFTER the party activity, which is laser quest. T says to DS "I'm sorry but I can only have a certain number of people to laser quest so you can't come but to make up for it you can have 2 pieces of cake".

DS realises from classroom chat that all of the other boys in his year group HAVE been invited to the laser quest and he is the only one not invited.

I am livid. This is not the first occasion on which DS has been the only boy excluded from a party, which I think is completely unacceptable in such a small year group. He has generally been socially excluded at school and I have regular contact with the head teacher about it. It makes my heart ache for him because he just wants to be part of the gang, but he isn't.

On this occasion it feels particularly brutal as this child is in my mum's house with DS every day after school. Given that his parents are completely dependent on her for cheap childcare, I wouldn't have thought it would be that much of a stretch for them to just insist to T that DS must be invited.

I am fairly sure that what will happen when my mum conveys her displeasure to these parents is that they will then extend the invitation to DS. I don't know what to do then. Gut feel says that as T stated quite clearly to DS that he was not invited to the activity, DS should not go where he isn't welcome just because the parents later realise that they have shot themselves in the foot somewhat. On the other hand, DS is so desperate to be included that even though he recognises the truth of the situation, he would probably seize the chance anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

[foxy6]

i feel so sorry for you son. kids and there parents who should know better can be so cruel. i had a similar problem with my ds2 when he was id yr 6 he only has 2 real friends and the 3 of them were inseparable. for his birthday that year he had a sleep over and only invited the 2 friends, well a few weeks before he had a fall out with one of them and didn't talk for about a week, they made up and both mothers assured me in the morning that there boys would be over in the night. well neither turned up and ds was in tears ( this is a boy who never shows emotion, so he must have felt bad). we managed to get hold of one of the boys mothers who said her son wasn't aloud to sleep due to bad behaviour ( he had thrown something at her) but he could come until 9 pm, so he did. we couldn't get hold of the other boy. the next day his mother said as my ds had told her son that if he couldn't come to the party he wouldn't be able to sleep? ( there never was a party just the two of them for a sleepover). my ds tried to keep his friendship going and believing there excuses until 2 weeks later we found out that they had there own sleepover that night at the second boys house after the one boy left at 9. i was fuming and expressed this to both mothers about how bad there behaviour was in letting this happen how spiteful and nasty it was to a 11yr old boy that both his best friends treat him like this on his birthday. well ds had nothing to so with them much after this and was a bit of a loner and i did worry about comp, but he made new friends, better friends and hopefully your ds will so the same.

[ll31]

Think they were being unreasonable, but you also. Their having childcare with your mother is surely their business not yours. Also your reaction wHen they spoke to you about using your mothers childcate was strange. Finally your reaction to them about your dd s party sounds rude. Maybe they were trying to avoid you, not your ds as you seem quite strident in your prev dealings with them

[Strawhatpirate]

I think its really weird when parents enable their dcs to behave dickishly. Do they want their dcs to grow up to be inconsiderate twats or something? because that is what is definately going to happen. Never mind OP fuck the stupid parents and fuck there childcare!
Ds will storm secondary school I'm sure!

[dalek]

This happened to my dd all the time at primary school - not the only one in the class but the only one out of the group she considered to be her friends. She is now in year 8 and has a lovely group of friends.

I got very upset by it and have had many sleepless nights and tears over it. Dd on the other hand was very grown up about it and made out not to care. But i do know that although It might not matter in the long run it does hurt.

I hope your son is ok and I wish you well for the future. I hope the other mother IS crying and feeling bad - childish I know but there you go!

[Campari]

Do the two boys normally get on well together? Or do you have any suspicions that this other boy just doesnt want him to be in with the group?

Lets face it, you cant expect everyone to be the best of mates.

[Brycie]

By which I mean to say Holey you're articulating things I think sometimes.

[Brycie]

Pictish: "Also hate the why-should-my-child-invite-someone-he-doesn't-like argument. I'll tell you why - because to not invite one child makes you a fucking bastard, and it really is that simple. We should be teaching our children kindness and fairness, and leaving one kid out is the polar opposite of those things."

I think this is great, and you are right.

Holeyghost - echoing with me!

[HoleyGhost]

I am pretty certain that I have been more successful (academically, professionally) than the classmates who excluded and even bullied me. I would have thought that I would have been an obvious target in secondary school, as I had also internalised my role as the scapegoat, but I made friends easily and was happy there.

From the time I left primary school, I never saw that kind of behaviour again until recently, when I encountered it from other mothers. I have since heard that the ringleader mother was a school bully herself. She is clearly harking back to her glory days as Queen Bee, playing power games and enjoying her power to make others miserable.

[GummiberryJuice]

So first the son forgot to place invite in the envelope, then oh it was to do with transport

I had this last year with my dd she was leftout of a party invite, the mother herself asked the other mothers, dd never mentioned it to me, it was the other mothers who rang me in disgust that my dd had been left out, again a very small class and one other girll had been left out but as she was new to the class my dd felt the slight more. I think the transport excuse was used.

TBH I ignored it, and smiled and chatted with the mum and made a point of taking all the children for pizza and the cinema on my dds birthday as there were only 7 of them. She is now at a secondary school that none of her other classmates went to and loves it, as someone else said roll on next year for your ds!

I have since moved my other dcs to a bigger school and they are so much happier with loads of friends to choose from!

[Ginda]

Holeyghost yes, the details are recognisable and I don't really mind about that.

Before the children of this family started going to my mum's after school, the parents mentioned to me in passing one day that they had asked my mum if she would do this. They wanted to know what I thought. I could see exactly this sort of situation arising one day, and so I said to them in express terms which left no room for doubt that I did not want their children to go to my mum's as a regular arrangement.

I subsequently texted the mother to ask what had been decided between them and my mum and she ignored my texts. I later heard from my DCs that the arrangement had begun (my mum doesn't think I need to be told about what else she does while the DCs are there, so didn't tell me).

I think this sort of speaks for itself.

I still haven't had any reply to my text so obviously she doesn't give a toss about DS feeling so obviously rejected.

Thanks for the nice comments about popularity. I was also the unpopular one at primary school but secondary school was much happier. I really hope it goes the same way for DS.

[HoleyGhost]

These details are recognisable. What are the chances that one of the parents involved will read this?


If you are lurking, lying crying woman, explain yourself.

[janek]

Can i just reassure that your son is not the 'unpopular' one because he is on the periphery of 6 boys. That's not a big enough pool to begin with. Secondary school will be a whole other ball game - tutor group, different sets for maths/english/whatever, everyone around at lunchtime, the world will be his oyster!

[MrClaypole]

Please do not give 2 shits about the mother being in tears.

And do NOT TEXT HER BACK offering sympathy!

It is a situation of her own making and she should feel crap about leaving a child out then LYING to cover it up.

[TheProvincialLady]

The mother was in tears? Yes, at being caught out behaving like a bitch and lying about it, and feeling sorry for herself. She should have thought about the hurt she was causing to a child and then maybe her precious feelings would be intact. "No hurt intended" is not an excuse for having upset someone through thoughtlessness. If she was sorry she would have said so. I am quite hardline about no one being entitled to a party invitation, but knowingly excluding one boy out of a group of six is just mean unless there is bullying etc involved.

[Hullygully]

RUDE

[HoleyGhost]

The mother's text was passive aggressive. You can see where this is coming from. If it is any reassurance I was always excluded when I was that age. I was unpopular as a child but have had no difficulty making friends as an adult.

I think that popularity is over rated, but friends of a similar age are important - is there anything your ds could do in the evenings during the week to get to know more children his own age?

[Frontpaw]

'Live' 'love' iPad

[Frontpaw]

I'd live to hear the reply. Maybe she's started her own thread...

[Frontpaw]

Besides you don't need to supply transport unless your venue is waaaaay out of town and you are very generous (like a friend of DS whose parents laid on a fleet of taxis to take the kids off for their child's party treat).

[Frontpaw]

If she had been sorry, then as soon as she twigged, she't be on the phone all grovelly and apologetic.

[drjohnsonscat]

Ginda, how dare she be in tears, silly mare. She's the one who did the hurting not the one who was hurt. She needs to get a grip

Sorry, I'm aware that I'm not helping!

[Ginda]

I love Mumsnet.

Being very British, I had started composing a text response to the mother beginning "I am sorry you have been in tears this morning", but having found some sympathy on MN, I thought better of it and just pointed out that it was regrettable that DS was the ONLY child not to be invited. She hasn't replied.

[pictish]

Hmmm well if I had that transport 'dilemma' I'd do two runs. So they can still fuck off like the pair of shits that they are!

[saintlyjimjams]

Oh dear, I thought last night it probably had been a mistake, but it seems not :(

[Ginda]

DS has decided that his birthday celebration is going to be him and 3 friends going to the cinema and then to Shakeaway and home for tea! Only one of the friends will be from school so no one needs to feel left out.