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Preteens

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Original poster

How do you encourage your dd to take more pride in their appearance?

84 replies

CeliaFate · 01/08/2012 16:11

Dd has taken to wearing a "uniform" of crocs, leggings, baggy t-shirt and scraping her hair back and sticking it up in a severe bun.

She could look so much better and I've bought pretty clothes, hair accessories etc for her which she likes, but never wears. I think she's insecure about her looks (she's very tall and much chunkier than her friends) but I want her to make the most of herself.

How do I encourage her to do this without it sounding like a criticism? (which I guess it is, but I don't mean it to be iyswim?)

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 21:54

would you prefer it if she were wearing belly tops and make up? Let her be a CHILD! she may be a bit of a tom boy, i never really got into the whole dressing up shite, neither did my DD2. She is still a scruffy mare at 22, but boy does she scrub up well, when she WANTS TO.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 01/08/2012 21:55

Well, clearly I'm in the minority. Follyfoot her feet are an adult size 8. Hence my comment.

I did post trying to find ways in which I could encourage her to take an interest in her appearance, not to receive a flaming. But that's MN for you I guess. Why answer the question when it's much easier to misconstrue the intention and run with it.
Thanks for those who tried to offer genuine advice.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 21:56

"dressing to suit your shape"???? Shes 11 FFS, you are going to destroy her self esteem if you criticise the way she chooses to look.

mamalovesmojitos · 01/08/2012 21:57

I can't say it better than SGB. She's spot on.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 01/08/2012 21:57

Oh and if she hasn't noticed your attitude towards her looks then she's very lucky and so are you.

I suggest you really think hard about your motives.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 01/08/2012 21:58

Does anyone read the posts? From my second post I haven't mentioned anything to her, I just compliment her when she's washed her hair and wears it down, I say how lovely she looks, that top suits you etc.

I'll leave the thread now, there are posters who are clearly more interested in having a go than reading the thread properly.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 21:58

Yes, its mumsnet, people tend to speak their minds, sometimes you have to stop and think, hmmm, quite a lot of people are disagreeing with me here, maybe theres a reason for that!

Original poster
CeliaFate · 01/08/2012 21:59

I suggest you really think hard about your motives? Shall I write 100 lines too Kiss?

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliaFate · 01/08/2012 21:59

Yes, Lucy maybe they don't stop and read the posts but roll up their sleeves and join in the bun fight. Much more fun.

OP posts:
Angelico · 01/08/2012 22:01

I've never bought into this whole thing about 'looking good makes you feel good' - apart from obviously basic hygiene. A hot shower can cure pretty much anything... :)

The things is I was always quite academic and arty and got my self-esteem from that. At work we were made to sit through a bloody awful seminar once with a midget small man who was an image consultant who bragged about driving an Audi / wearing the 'right' jacket to make him look taller (maybe he was even smaller without it Confused) and said appearances matter.

Thing is, beyond respecting basic social conventions (being smart for interviews / first few dates / weddings / funerals etc) I haven't found that appearance matters a jot! None of the things I'm proud of are to do with my appearance - they're to do with my mind and character, the life I've made for myself when single and the life I'm making now that I'm married and expecting first child. I remember hearing someone in work say that if you don't wear makeup etc you have no pride in yourself and must be depressed and was like Hmm. I don't wear makeup etc because a) it's a hassle b) I prefer the extra ten mins in bed with DH in the morning c) my makeup or lack of it has NO EFFECT on how I feel about myself. The same eejit in work admitted on another occasion that she can't set foot out of the house without makeup - to me that's the OPPOSITE of self-esteem and self-confidence Hmm.

I think you mean well OP but your DD is still a child. She really is. Let it come to her naturally - if it's going to - and lead by example yourself - she will watch and learn. But the reality is she may never have an interest in clothes etc but find her pride in other ways.

BTW we are having a girl so we have all this ahead of us... :)

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 01/08/2012 22:01

I read all of the thread OP. But you're kidding yourself if your thoughts about her making the most of herself aren't coming out in ways you'e not aware of.

Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 22:03

I read all of your posts actually. I can't speak for anyone else.

Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 22:05

Brilliant post angelico

merrymouse · 01/08/2012 22:08

Make her feel absolutely loveable for who she is (crocs and all), and follow her lead.

As others say, within the bounds of normal personal hygiene and respect for others on formal occasions, letting her develop her own personal style is fine.

I can see that you find this frustrating and sympathise, but have to say that as a child of the 80's (Bananarama! Bodymap! the Clothes Show!), I think baggy t-shirts and leggings are fine...

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 22:08

It doesn't matter what your motives are! It doesn't matter that it's obviously (to us) coming from a place of love and concern. The end result is the same as if you were trying to cause harm.

MMMarmite · 01/08/2012 22:16

"I did post trying to find ways in which I could encourage her to take an interest in her appearance"

But that's the problem - why should she have to take an interest in her appearance? She's not going to a job interview. Girls are told far too much already that they should care about their appearance.

MMMarmite · 01/08/2012 22:24

"If you feel a bit glum, or lack confidence when you've bathed, washed your hair, put on an outfit you look good in, don't you feel better about yourself?
Of course she can wear what she likes and feels comfortable in, but when you look good you feel good."

Not necessarily. Some people feel most confident and happy in a dress and killer heels, others feel awkward in evening-wear, and most confident and happy in a sweaty T-shirt after going for a run, or climbing a hill.

plutocrap · 01/08/2012 22:27

Let her hide away a bit while she thinks everything out for herself. Not everyone is "stage ready" at her age, and it can be very unpleasant to feel "looked at" all the time. (you could be doing that to her, you know)

The only thing you can hint is that she may actually call attention to herself through outright/unhealthy scruffiness.

BackforGood · 01/08/2012 22:28

How sad.
She's 11.
She dresses very practically, and is clearly well balanced if she is comfortable with what she wears, and yet you want to change that. Sad

My older dd was coming up to 13 before she started to want some "prettier" clothes, and even now she will spend 90% of her (non-school uniform) time in tracksuit bottoms, hoodies, football shirts etc - absolutely practical for her life, and confident enough to not give a toss about anyone who thinks a person should wear "pretty clothes, hair accessories" etc.

As MMMarmite says, unless you are going to an interview, or a wedding or somewhere where there is a dresscode, then there is no reason any of us should "take an interest in {anyone's} appearance".

Tressy · 01/08/2012 22:36

It's a sensitive age. I remember when my DD was this age, her peer group of girl friends were into clothes, accessories and make-up, whilst mine would rather go and browse in Waterstones. I used to buy her clothes when she wasn't looking just so she would fit in. Which she usually liked and wore but couldn't get excited about shopping.

I think she would admit herself now she is grown up that part of it was body image, she developed much earlier than her friends, but part of it was just having other things that were more important to her than how she looked.

solidgoldbrass · 01/08/2012 22:37

OP, I've read all your posts and you haven't answered the questions about how your DD feels about her appearance. At her age, really, she shouldn't be bothering about it any more than 'Am I clean and tidy'?

LurcioLovesFrankie · 01/08/2012 22:39

What stuff does she like doing? Art, music, sport, maths, writing stories? What is she good at? Shower her with praise and encouragement for those things, and build up her self-esteem that way, and leave her appearance be.

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 01/08/2012 22:42

ok she is of an age where you can tell her to go and shower each day

she is of an age where you can still tell her to make sure she is wearing clean clothes

same applies for teeth brushing
and clothing and shoes fitting properly

aside from that

please leave her be

she will find her way

she will also get a shit load of flack from the outside world

she doesn't need her mum deciding to try and stop her wearing crocs just because her mum doesn't like the way they make her feet look

piprabbit · 01/08/2012 22:54

As the daughter of a mother who was keen I made the best of myself, I learnt from a very early age to recognise that compliments ("your hair looks lovely down") were in fact a criticism of the way I normally looked.

It won't be long before your daughter starts to feel that every comment you make about her is a criticism, because she is aware that you want to be to different than she is.

Make sure she is dressed and shod sensibly and fed healthily - then leave her be.

Emphaticmaybe · 01/08/2012 23:38

While I accept all the excellent reasons for promoting self-esteem through emphasising other qualities than appearance, I totally understand how hard it is to watch your child struggle in their own skin and not offer advice that may not be 'right' in sociological or feminist terms but just might make their life a bit easier in terms of school and friendships.
Clean hair and good skin and the 'right' clothes do make life easier as a pre-teen/ teenager, as do most things that allow you to fit in with your peers.

When mine have struggled with self-image/insecurity i've always tried to explain that although they are easily the most fantastic and amazing individuals ever (completely independently of how they look), during this phase of their lives it may not be fully appreciated by their less mature peers who are unable to look beyond the exterior.

I always say there are 2 choices: a) conform just enough on the surface to get by but stay true to yourself underneath or b) be completely yourself but remember it may come at a price and only you can decide if it's worth it. Then whatever they choose support them either way.

As an adult I would say it's always worth being true to yourself - as a kid there's no shame in doing what you have to do to get by and sometimes children need a few pointers. If wearing the right clothes, washing your hair, having the right phone gets you through (what for many can be the most difficult time in their lives) - then it may be a reasonable trade off.

Op unless your DD is telling you she is unhappy with her appearance I would just keep praising her for all her amazing qualities. If she mentions anything she is unhappy about I would have a similar chat to the one I had with my teenage DCs.

Good luck.

By the way I have 3 who very much do their own thing and 1 who desperately needed to conform in the later years of primary and early years of secondary.