How do you encourage your dd to take more pride in their appearance?

[CeliaFate]

Dd has taken to wearing a "uniform" of crocs, leggings, baggy t-shirt and scraping her hair back and sticking it up in a severe bun.

She could look so much better and I've bought pretty clothes, hair accessories etc for her which she likes, but never wears. I think she's insecure about her looks (she's very tall and much chunkier than her friends) but I want her to make the most of herself.

How do I encourage her to do this without it sounding like a criticism? (which I guess it is, but I don't mean it to be iyswim?)

[ksrwr]

i was an extremely tall, chunky child + as a teenager the list of woes was added to with acne. any suggestions to wear something pretty or make the most of myself used to make me feel worse. all i can say is its a phase, it'll pass. but do keep trying to bolster her confidence in other areas, dont draw attention to looks and appearance. i dont think the adult rules of helping someone's self esteem apply to children and teenagers, who want to just blend in and be the same as everyone else, and dont want attention drawn to their appearance. imo.

[CeliaFate]

i don't feel better with uncomfortable 'nice' clothes or make up and certainly not with restrictive things like tights or feminine shoes' or trying to make my hair do something it doesn't want to do.
I haven't mentioned any of those things. I do think people are trying to make out I want my daughter to be a girly princess. Not so.

[PoppyAmex]

Don't know if my comment is worth much because my DD is only 5 months, so I don't have direct experience of a pre-teen but at 12 years old she's a child surely? She should "make the most of herself" "because she's worth it"?

A poster up thread said she found this depressing and couldn't quite articulate why and I feel exactly the same.

[CeliaFate]

She has had problems with her friends, she went through a very hard first term at secondary school. She's made good friends now though.
She will wash her hair and straighten it if we're going out and will put smarter clothes on.
My sister is the same as your eldest daughter usualsuspect. Never bothered about hair, makeup, perfume, smart clothes but she's happy.
Perhaps it is a phase and she'll find her own style that she's happy with.

[CeliaFate]

Just to clarify once more - I am talking about basic personal care and dressing to suit your shape, not adorning yourself with anything.

[NettOlympicSuperstar]

Thanks for jojoba oil link.
Have just bought some.

[usualsuspect]

I would let her find her own style TBH. She will probably end up a goth

[MooncupGoddess]

Lots of pubescent girls feel really self-conscious about their changing body and try to conceal it as much as possible - God knows I did - so I'd suggest cutting her some slack on that one.

If she washes her hair and wears smarter clothes if you're going out then clearly she's capable of making an effort when she feels it's worthwhile. Does it really matter if she likes to slob around at home looking grubby?

[usualsuspect]

12 is an odd age, give her a year or two to find a tribe to identify with.

[NarkedRaspberry]

Nagging her to shower is fine. Beyond that, leave her to it. As long as she's clean and her clothes are clean and practical what does it matter?

[NarkedRaspberry]

Because, however well intentioned, it is criticising her to keep going on about it. As you know - 'without it sounding like a criticism? (which I guess it is, but I don't mean it to be iyswim?)'

[Bonsoir]

NettOlympicSuperstar - I don't understand why you don't make an appointment with your family GP for your DD to discuss her skin. When people have health problems (and acne is a dermatological health problem) the doctor is there to help sort it out. As her parent, you must draw attention to the problem and take responsibility for it.

[bigTillyMint]

Basic hygiene is obviously important, but I dont think teenage girls get dressing to suit your shape, particularly if they are tall and a bit bigger (as I was!) - they either want to look like friends or melt into the background.
Do you take her shopping and encourage her with "that really suits you" type comments? Beware that may backfire as I HATED wearing anything my mother approved of (still have to fight this nearly 40 years on!)

[FireOverBabylon]

OP I think you may have to build on what your DD is comfortable with. If she likes crocs, leggings, baggy t-shirt, hair in a bun, then would she like some converse boots instead of crocs, a different colour of leggings, a sloppy Joe sweater instead of the t-shirt?

If you got a magazine of hair styles would she talk through it with you, saying what styles she likes / wouldn't be seen dead in? She may yet grow up to love vintage clothes and have a really unique sense of style, but it is for her to build up to that.

Where are you in relation to London? Could you take her to Camden market one weekend with an amount of money for her to spend on whatever she wants, without you having a say in what she buys, just to see what she picks out?

[NettOlympicSuperstar]

Because Bonsoir, there's a fine line between helping her, and making her feel bad about herself.
I have mentioned it to her, and am helping her as much as I can.

[Bonsoir]

If you have something wrong with you, it doesn't make you feel worse to seek a cure. It makes you feel worse to let it linger.

[maybenow]

i don't understand - if you don't want her to wear 'nice' clothes and shoes and style her hair... then what's wrong with leggings, crocs and a ponytail?

as i said, i would keep pushing on the hygeine issue, ignore the clothes and hairstyle unless she wants to change either because otherwise you could do more harm than good even though you obviously mean well.

[solidgoldbrass]

OP, what is the problem with what she wears? T-shirts, leggings and crocs are fine for everyday wear. Is it that she's not washing often enough? This could be just classic kid behaviour, or it could be an indication of distress/depression. OK, one lesson DC need to be taught is about the politeness of wearing appropriate clothing (eg, smart clothing to a wedding/funeral/job interview) but that's a lesson you teach DSs as well as DDs.
To keep on at her about looking pretty is telling her that as a female person she's got to wear uncomfortable or restrictive or unnecessary items because how she appears and how pleasing to men she appears is the most important thing about her. What does she actually say about clothing and appearance?

[JollyHockeyStick]

It is difficult to see your point, Celia as you seem to contradict it later.

If she is not washing enough then clearly this needs discussion.

If she is wearing clothes that you don't like then I don't think there's anything you can do about that. Within limits of decency obviously.

I am 26, still wearing no make up, still wearing baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts most of the time and still deal with my hair by putting it up in a bun. I am perfectly comfortable with my appearance and pretty much always have been.

[FernieB]

What are her friends wearing? Are they all in leggings and baggy t-shirts as well? Mine are always wearing shorts and black tights with a t-shirt - that's what all their friends wear, it's the uniform.

I wouldn't worry about it - if she's happy, it doesn't matter what she wears. I would push her on hygiene (I am trying to drill some of that into my DD's heads ATM) but her clothes should be up to her. I presume she has to wear a uniform at school, so she should be able to wear whatever she wants at home. Yes, you'll get bored of seeing the same things all the time (I know I do), but make the most of it, in a couple of years she'll probably be hogging the bathroom and trying to bankrupt you with unreasonable demands for expensive labels.

[CeliaFate]

however well intentioned, it is criticising her to keep going on about it. Please read my posts. I don't go on about it, I haven't mentioned it to her, just tried to steer her towards things that flatter her and look good.
Her friends don't wear leggings and crocs as a rule. They don't flatter dd, they make her feet look bigger and I think they're ugly - but I bought them because she likes them and they're comfy for her.

[NarkedRaspberry]

'They don't flatter dd'

Do they fit? Do they provide adequate foot support? Your work is done. She will notice your 'steering'. Wearing a shoe that 'make(s) her foot look bigger' isn't going to do her any harm. And seriously, what's wrong with big feet? For a girl who is 'very tall and much chunkier than her friends' it's not a healthy way to think.

[NarkedRaspberry]

She's 11 and you don't like her shoes because they make her feet look bigger.

[Follyfoot]

I find this all quite depressing...

You say you arent talking about your DD adorning herself with anything, but your first post says the opposite when you talk about hair accessories and pretty clothes.

As for clothes that flatter her, why? Who for? You want her to look good. Again , why and who for? She's a child. She doesnt seem to be fussed so why on earth should you be? As for the big feet comment

[KissMyEmbroideryHoop]

She's 11. A child. Leave her alone.