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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Inappropriate Email Contact Between 11 Year Olds

35 replies

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 18:59

My DD is 11 and was allowed her own email address as she spends summer overseas with her father and this seemed a good way for us to stay in contact. Getting the account was on the understanding her activity may be monitored and inappropriate dialolgue wouldn't be tolerated. As I hadn't heard from her for a week, I checked her emails to see if she'd been talking to her friends about where she was to understand whether there was a reason why she hadn't been in touch.

I'm mortified to find one of her friends (a boy) sent a home-made movie to her of himself stripping and masturbating. He's asking her to send pictures of herself naked and whilst I really don't think she would, I've disabled her account as I'm not prepared to wait and see how she manages it.

Should I tell his parents? Should I raise it with her as being inappropriate? Should I tell her to make him stop otherwise his parents will be told? Gosh, I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 29/07/2012 19:04

Does her father know? He needs to be involved in sorting this out and talking to her about inappropriate behaviour and supporting her....

I am guessing she is in Y6? and he is too? As it is the holidays, it would be difficult to raise it with the school, plus they will be moving on too.

Do you or any of your friends know the family? I think I would be inclined to report it as a Child Protection issue - not normal behaviour at all.

ScarletSmellyFeet · 29/07/2012 19:07

that really isn't right at all, I'm very

Have you spoken to her father, did she see the video clip?

Earlybird · 29/07/2012 19:08

Do you know this boy and/or his parents?

I know it is no help, but reading your OP makes me glad my 11 year old still plays with dolls, and reads books about animals. Don't know what I'd do in your situation.....

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 19:12

Yes, they have just left Year 6. I know his parents well as they're all a close set of friends. I want to put a stop to this without causing any collateral damage. I think I might hand it over to her father to handle as I can't do anything when I'm 3,000 miles away.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 29/07/2012 19:18

If the parents are good friends of yours, I would be inclined to speak to them directly about it. They need to know what is going on, Meanwhile, get some expert advice about it - someone will probably be along with a link, or ring your local social services for advice.

Earlybird · 29/07/2012 19:23

What do you mean 'collateral damage'?

Maybe your ex can speak to your dd as he is with her, but you are the one who knows the boy and his family. I think you have to speak to his parents - as awkward as it will be.

Do you have any knowledge of the nature of the past email communication between your dd and this boy?

bringbacksideburns · 29/07/2012 19:25

Your ex needs to speak to her parents. That is shocking.

Cupcakes24 · 29/07/2012 19:26

Have you spoken to your daughter - she may be as horrified as you and not at all sure how to handle this/what to do.

When you say 'close set of friends', do you mean yours of her dads - will she be having more direct contact with this boy?

TheRhubarb · 29/07/2012 19:28

You need to tell her father straight away. This is completely inappropriate and yes, his parents do need to know. Collateral damage involving him getting into trouble and possibly your dd is nothing compared to what could happen to a vulnerable 11yo if this video gets into the wrong hands. Imagine if she did as he asked and that video was publicly circulated? He could be pressurising her by saying that now he has done it she has to.

What email does she have? I got gmail for my now 12yo dd and that's pretty good, although I'm not sure what you could do about videos sent by email contacts.

I would be very worried about why an 11yo boy would be doing this anyway. Perhaps his parents don't monitor what he is up to and he is accessing porn sites? In any case, they need to know because he could be open to abuse as well as your dd by posting these videos online.

This is a very good argument for making sure that every pc or laptop sold has parental controls on there which can only be turned off if adults ask. Too many kids are left unmonitored on computers and unfortunately easy access to porn is changing a whole generation of children.

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2012 19:29

do you know that your dd has actually seen the email?
the boys parents need to know, he could be sending these messages to many and they may not be as good at keeping an eye on email as you.
get your ex to speak to dd.

weblette · 29/07/2012 19:31

Forget for a second that this has been sent to your dd. How would you feel if someone you know sent you an email like that? How would you react?

Yes you should tell his parents, I would guess your dd already knows that it's inappropriate. Forget about dealing with him, his parents NEED to know what their child is sending to other children.

bringbacksideburns · 29/07/2012 19:32

his parents i meant.

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 19:33

Thank you very much everyone for all the advice.

I've contacted her father and asked him to deal with it. I'm going to speak to the boy's parents now. I feel so anxious I could be sick.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2012 19:47

you are doing the right thing. have you saved the email incase they want to see it?
goodluck.

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 19:51

Yes, I've left it on her email account but to be quite honest, don't want to download it to my computer as it's so graphic I could get into trouble if anyone saw it!!! She can't get into her email anymore until I reinstate it.

OP posts:

Cupcakes24 · 29/07/2012 19:58

How have the parents reacted OP.

How is your daughter?

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2012 19:59

had she opened it though?

Viviennemary · 29/07/2012 20:00

I was ready to say oh well children. But I was truly It was brave of you to contact the boy's father. You did the right thing.

Lonelylou · 29/07/2012 20:01

Well done on your actions IRO. This matter is serious and there may be a connection to others doing it too. The boy needs to be told this is not normal behaviour and is extreemly serious. It could be a police matter too.

Schools do teach about internet safety ( PLEASE see the CEOP website) and do their best to get parents to realise that they MUST explain to their kids that an agreement has to be made for parents to be able to have a look at what's happening on the kid's accounts at any time.

This interaction could save your kids from getting involved in some horrible stuff happening on facebook et al at the moment. It's a good idea to leave the computer in a communal room and not in bedrooms.

The internet is a brilliant invention and has given us a great way to commuinicate and research but parents MUST be prepared to keep an eye open to protect young minds.

Sorry about the rant.

Cupcakes24 · 29/07/2012 20:04

Good point cheese, I'm presuming she has but hopefully not.

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 20:05

I spoke to the boy's father and he's absolutely livid. He is going to deal with it right away. I haven't spoken to my daughter as it's the middle of the day where she is and she's not home. I'm not sure whether she opened the video. She certainly opened the email. That was 2 days ago but in all the email contact between them since (there's been a lot), she's not responded to any questions about it nor has she said she'll send him photographs. I know for sure she hasn't because I just checked and he's emailed her again telling her to make sure to send one photograph of her breasts and one of her vagina! OMG!

OP posts:

Lonelylou · 29/07/2012 20:07

Sorry to say this but this happens more frequently than any of us are aware these days.

cheesesarnie · 29/07/2012 20:08

! what did the boys parents say?

tbh id be phoning the police. he and his parents need to know this is wrong.

Cupcakes24 · 29/07/2012 20:12

I think its a real concern that this boy is still emailing and from what you've said, isn't concerned about what he has sent - would seem to be behaving in a very 'normal' way.

Do you think that his parents will 'deal' with it appropriately?

Original poster

ItsRainingOutside · 29/07/2012 20:16

They are a really nice family and I'm sure are as shocked as I am. I don't want to take it as far as phoning the police as I think the parents will handle it appropriately. DD and their DS are not going to the same school after summer (thank goodness), and contact could only be by email which I'm sure will stop once she knows that we're on the case. We're all going to a wedding together in a few weeks and I'm dreading it now.

OP posts:

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