Inappropriate Email Contact Between 11 Year Olds

[ItsRainingOutside]

My DD is 11 and was allowed her own email address as she spends summer overseas with her father and this seemed a good way for us to stay in contact. Getting the account was on the understanding her activity may be monitored and inappropriate dialolgue wouldn't be tolerated. As I hadn't heard from her for a week, I checked her emails to see if she'd been talking to her friends about where she was to understand whether there was a reason why she hadn't been in touch.

I'm mortified to find one of her friends (a boy) sent a home-made movie to her of himself stripping and masturbating. He's asking her to send pictures of herself naked and whilst I really don't think she would, I've disabled her account as I'm not prepared to wait and see how she manages it.

Should I tell his parents? Should I raise it with her as being inappropriate? Should I tell her to make him stop otherwise his parents will be told? Gosh, I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

It doesn't matter if they come from nice famillies. This is the way some kids are using the internet. The opportunity to take these kinds of risks weren't available when we were young (thank goodness)

What kind of 'rude' games did you play that your mum wouldn't approve of...mine was kissy catch.

Should I raise it with her as being inappropriate? Do you really need to ask? Of course you should. I would also change her email account and delete this friend.
You also need to forward his emails to his father and tell him you've done so. This is not "drs and nurses" stuff, this is seriously disturbing!

update op?

Thanks to everyone who gave constructive advice.

The boy's parents have been told of his activity and they are dealing with him in their own way.

My daughter didn't open the video as she has a MacBook and the software wasn't compatible (luckily). She also took his demands to send pictures of herself as a joke and would never have done it. Unfortunately, she then told me she thought the boy had sent it to another little girl too. I promptly contacted her parents so they can deal with it appropriately.

My ExP has spoken to her about how dangerous the internet can be, paedophilia, etc (using this as a typical example). I've followed it up with another conversation and am happy she understands the wider consequences of using Facebook, Twitter, Email etc. Her email account was disabled until I had the opportunity to review all her activity and delete everything from this one boy. He's also blocked from emailing her again.

DD was distressed about the whole episode mainly as she was afraid she was in trouble, or that the boy would get into trouble. She's happily moved on from it and hopefully we can draw a line under the whole business confident we have all learned a lesson that could have been so much worse.

The situation has had an impact on my own parenting skills. As my DH points out, I am quite liberal in my parenting approach and I intend to make some subtle adjustments in that regard and implement them when she comes home. As DD has always been very mature and responsible for her age, I have probably taken too much for granted in terms of what she is and isn't allowed to do. I'm now more aware, particularly that while I can apply more control to my own children, I can't control the activity of others.

Thanks again everyone.

Glad to hear this has had a positive outcome - it sounds like your DD was spared the gory details, thankfully.

Hope that the boy's parents deal with it appropriately - he is obviously a vulnerable child, despite coming from a "nice" family.

You have to wonder where a boy of 11 got the idea of making/sending a video like that and whether the parents will know how to deal with it.

I'm pleased it's turned out as you would have wished IRO. I'm also pleased you are now carrying the banner for responsible parenting when allowing kids to use the internet.

I do not wish to scare people but please take a look at the CEOP site for help and advice on keeping your kids safe whilst using the internet. I have experience of supporting very worried parents when things have come to a head that may have been prevented with a bit of parental insight.

With all my experience I still think the internet is the best invention since the wheel

Late to the thread but just wanted to add one small note,

I think you are doing the exact right thing by monitoring your DD email (and possibly future social media us). Open honest monitoring is much better then attempting to block.

Please do not trust parental controls. I work as a youth worker/SRE worker and the young people teach me how they can get around such controls. It's simple with a little bit of planning. If you try to ban someone from using a service if they are just a little determined they will find a way. From downloading special web browsers (which can be stored on a USB drive, hack straight through filters both local and at the ISP end and leave no trace) to simply having two phones young people are very inventive at getting around blocks.

Building in monitoring as a part of using technology from an early age is a much more effective way of staying on top of issues just like this.

On this specific issue www.thinkuknow.co.uk/ is a great resource, you could even watch some of their video with your DD and talk through the issues. . Also speak to the secondary school your DD is about to join and ask how they cover safe internet use, when, what age etc. If they don't have a plan yet challenge them on it. Also worth checking they cover what can be called "sexting" (which is what the boy can be classed as doing) or just how to set privacy setting on facebook (important but not enough)

*sorry quick addition

Its worth speaking to the school because whilst you seem ontop of this issue. Other parents may not be and you want to hope that every young person in the school is being as wise. If most people in a social circle behave in a safe way then risks to each individual within the group is reduced.

I set up email addresses for my children when they were quite young (dd - 8, ds - 10). Since they are both extremely computer savvy, I decided not to do traditional parental controls. Instead, I get a copy of all their incoming emails (would have liked a copy of outgoing too, but too difficult to set up). It can get a bit annoying to get all the Club Penguin/Minecraft etc. updates, but I know exactly who is contacting them and what they are saying. I think it's very important to be completely up front with the kids and make it clear that you have complete access to their email (and whatever other accounts they might have) and that you do check regularly. At the moment, (might be different when they are teenagers) my children are grateful for the extra layer of vigilance and will definitely check in with me if they receive something they are unsure about.

Just to reiterate what BlindFish said....kids are very computer savvy these days and parental controls are pretty ineffective. My ds had "hacked" the parental control on the internet at his elementary school (major urban school district) when he was 9 and was setting up servers in terminal when he was 10. Neither I nor any of his teachers are going to be able to set up controls that he can't get around. Much better to make sure he knows how to be wise on the internet instead.

PS. so sorry your dd had to go through this at such a young age.