DD, 10, aware she is 'fat' - angry and eating even more

[FelicityWits]

DD has always been chunky - measured overweight on the child BMI charts since forever.

In the early days, she spent 2 days with my parents and 3 days with her father - all of whom gave her shit to eat in vast quantities. We have a healthy eating philosphy at home (and now she's here more), but she never seems to get full.

She will always go for simple carbs. I don't want to go on about it all and give her a complex - she is well, well aware of nutritional values, portion sizes etc.

(my profession includes that sort of thing)

So when she's here, she's fed well and nutritiously and we've encouraged her to take up various activities. Her fitness has improved massively.

Looking at her objectively, her arms and legs are slender but she has a very big tummy. She's hitting puberty physically but not emotionally - no interest in boys (or girls!), nor periods but is developing hairy armpits and pubic area.

She's referring to herself as fat a lot lately, especially in relation to other girls who are string-beany. However she is angry about this, and seems to eat more/make food choices which aren't the best, as it is 'hopeless' and 'my body just wants to be fat'.

i've told her she's perfect how she is and that her body is getting ready for puberty, and she just gets angrier and angrier. DH will talk about food choices and more excercise and she gets furious.

Anyone else been through this? My main priority is her not getting massive issues about her size. My life was blighted by thinking I was fat and I was put on slimfast by my mother, which led to binge-eating in secret and becoming obese and hating myself. I still do at a size 12. Do not want that for DD :(

Why did she spend so much time away? Why didn't you either deal with it or look after your child yourself, instead of farming her to grandparents? You obviously knew so why didn't you deal with it, especially as you have issues with diet/weight?

Wow, that's a really horrible thing to say.

She was with her dad because she should've been. She was with my parents because I had to work.

Ah, you mean just the days - I apologise for that. But I stick by the rest. Why didn't you deal with it?

Like how? as I said, she's well aware about healthy food choices and portion sizes. Deal with it how? Put her on slimfast? Tell her she was fat? I told my parents and her father I was concerned about her size. They were either dimissive or antagonistic. I can't force her father to stop feeding her lunchables and greaseballs and waffles.

Bit unnecessary lisaro

FelicityWits, what a tough situation, and onset of puberty presumably making things more complicated. You sound very sensible and as if you're doing and saying all the right things.
I totally sympathise as always had body complexes growing up, thinking I was fat even though I wasn't - guess just overly influenced by media.
How physically active is your DD? Does she participate willingly in p.e. etc or does she try to avoid? Have you tried getting her into something fun but not necessarily 'sporty' eg trampolining? Do you cook together/ try to involve her in planning meals?

Hi NotVictoria. She was (reception to year 2), reluctant to do physical activity. We signed her up to everything going and she now swims (and is excellent), and does karate three times a week. She will give everything a go and has asked to do a situp challenge alongside DH.

We do cook together, which is how she's got most of her information about nutrition. What worries me is it's almost like she's making 'bad' food choices to spite herself. "I had pizza and chips at a friend's party because my body just wants to be fat".

At home she's quite foody - really into tastes and textures, loves to make vinagrette, soup, will more than happily eat a huge stirfry over a mcdonalds. But she does sometimes binge. It seems more that she never feels 'satisfied', whatever she's eating.

I remember my parents indulgently chuckling that she'd eaten an adult-size pub meal and then two puddings. Despite the fact that had I eaten like that I'd've been shamed for months.

If DD didn't care, I'd be okay with it, but she has got body-shame from somewhere and will say she is disgusting and fat (unlike X), while eating loads of crap. Is v worrying.

my DD is the same age and has also developed a fat complex

she has slim arms, very muscular legs (she plays rugby) which she says are fat, and over the last 6 months she as developed hips and a pot belly -so she is obviously hideous

first one of her firends to hit puberty -no periods but plenty of other changes

she is well aware of what to eat -asked to come off school dinners because they were too stodgy and sponge pudding and custard pretty much every day

but I have just found out her new year's resolution is to eat fewer carbs???

she cooks with me but like your DD is never full

worked out it's boredom though alot of the time

she has started measuring rice/pasta for as her portions would be huge if it was down to her, she has a drink with every meal and knows which snacks are freely available (carrots, apples etc) and which she has to ask for -cereal bars etc

and then she goes to her dads every other weekend where she gets takeaways, sausage rolls, sweets 2 or 3 times over the weekend, and nana's cooking with huge puddings

grr grr

Did you not tell your parents?

I mean to absolutely not give her loads of shite? Just mentioning you're worried doesn't seem much effort if you were worried.

lisaro I already answered your questions (including that one), and don't really want to talk to you anymore, thanks.

workshy I really identify with what you say. My DD also has muscular limbs and a pot belly. I've told her so many times that it is her body getting ready for a growth spurt and I think that in the general run of things she might grow a couple of inches and 'even out' but she seems determined to self-punish with food sometimes which really worries me.

DD drinks a pint of water before each meal, and is following the recommended amounts on stuff like breakfast cereal when she can. But she's stuffed when she goes elsewhere and doesn't think twice about wolfing it all down. doesn't help that she's praised for it! Infuriating.

OP, when your DD says that she is fat what she means is that she is unhappy and probably insecure.

After all, you have taught her all about nutrition and yet she continues to eat unhealthily and feel sad about it.

Your DD could probably use some counseling to help her work things out. Maybe then she will value herself enough to care for her health.

her grandparents have an open kitchen policy (and 2 older overweight grandchildren) and bend to what they think she wants to eat -like they will always do sausages with a roast dinner as they are more child friendly???

my DD is never going to be small (me and her dad are both 6ft plus) but my aim is for them to be healthy. She eats mainly healthy food but her portions when she is away form me are too big, and like your dd she is praised for 'eating up'
I think it is a generational thing

unfortunately as I work full time, I have to drive her to and from school each day so I really encourage her to take part in lunch time sports and she swims and plays rugby

I do think there is an element ofthem evening out as they get older so I'm trying not to stress about it too much but it is hard when you see them behaving so negatively towards themselves

do you thisnk the 'destined to be fat' comments are something she is being told at school? is there an element of bullying? -I kow my DD was told she was fat whe actually she jsut needed a bra!

Hi Dione. I hear you and asked her GP for a referall - but he was reluctant, wanting to examine physical causes first, and we're at the mercy of the (excellent and I am grateful for it), NHS - can't afford private counselling.

ah, lisaro is back on form with her incredibly insightful support.

If you can't afford private counselling, are there any free options - maybe a support group or something? (sorry, not very helpful either!)

workshy I'm tall and so is her father (though he is a natural string bean, part of the reason he feeds her shit as he lives on cheese and KFC and is still skinny so 'it never did me any harm' - nevermind the state of his arteries!)

I think she would even out given time. But issues are so insidious. I don't want to make her feel ashamed to eat as that way madness (and secret binges), lies.

My parents sound a lot like yours.

I don't know where she's got the 'destined to be fat' stuff from. She's leapt on the idea of her brain 'making' her do stuff (generally), like she is 'naturally' bad at handwriting and 'naturally' good at maths and she's extended that to be 'naturally' craving rubbish food?

I don't know if she's been picked on for her size per se but her friends haven't hit puberty yet, or have emotionally (obsessed with boys), but not physically. There might be an aspect of her trying to stay 'babyish' - but again, how to tackle??

brdgrl I signed us up for the local 'change 4 life' group but she didn't qualify! V frustrating, but then again in our borough there are undoubtably children who need that sort of help more.

I'm not keen on pathologising it but maybe should look again at what's available. I was hoping that the sport and brownies etc would help her, and it has up to a point...

i agree with not pathologising it, but think it would be really great for her to meet some other girls in the same place....

really it sounds like you are doing lots that is right.

not my parents -his parents, my parents feed her the same way I do

his family is a law unto themselves!

Warning: probably not an easy post to read.

OP, I understand that your GP is of little help at the minute. However there are other options. Does her school have a counsellor? Are there any counseling agencies in your area? Many of them operate at a sliding scale, particularly where children are concerned.

You have said that in her early life she spent a lot of time with different people on different days. That can have a serious effect on a child's ability to form attachment. There is a lot of research into insecure attachment showing a link with eating disorders, self esteem and body dysmorphia.

I think that what your DD needs right now is not dietary advice, but help in dealing with her life. If your GP can't get it for her, you have to. Or maybe even provide it yourself.

'You have said that in her early life she spent a lot of time with different people on different days.'

OP's dd spent time with her father, & her gps provided childcare 2 days a week.

Entirely normal - my dc, from the age of 6 months, all had one day with dh working from home, three with CM, & one with MIL. Occasionally we went absolutely mad for it & SIL subbed for MIL.

The issue is that the child's father & grandparents were not great on getting her to stick to a healthy diet - not that their looking after her was creating 'insecure attachment'!

Jeez.

Anyway, OP - is it worth sitting down with dd & xp next time he picks her up, & saying 'Dd is really trying to eat healthy foods -isn't that right dd?'

So that it becomes something she wants & values rather than something mum chunters about & dad ignores...

& then maybe agree some guidelines (1 takeaway max, only 1 pack of sweets to last the wknd, 5 x fruit/veg each day)?

The eating lots but never being full u

The eating lots but never being full up sounds like 'emotional hunger' not a physical appetite issue and I think you need to identify the issue here. It's usually something to do with self esteem/insecurity and using food as a replacement.

I think you need to go back to the GP and push for a referral to a counsellor, it's much easier to deal with her issues at this age than later or not at all and then leading to a lifetime of obesity.

Ii was just going to post what gleek has said...
my dd has emotional hunger.she can eat a hell of a lot more than i can!she not fat,sturdy with a big tum(age nr 8).school doesnt help with "being big" as they tend to over do the healthy eating message which makes them more self conscious.is she being picked on for her size?
our school has a number of kids(boys actually)who are litttle buggers for itsorry for the highjack,just wondered similiar situation