Parents of 10/11 year olds, please come share

[Earlybird]

As a single parent of an only child (aged 10.8), I admit I need advice. Clearly they are no longer little children, but neither are they able to be completely independent.

How much responsibility and freedom do you give your child?

What do you expect them to do for themselves, and what do you still do for them?
How do you expect them to contribute to home life (chores, etc)

As an only and pfb, I can do more for her than if she was part of a big family and had to fend for herself a bit more. Tbh, think I am babying her too much, but also don't expect her to be a mini-adult.

Please share your point of view, and how things happen at your house so I can better judge what is reasonable.

I really am struggling to know when i need to dictate/control things (or do them for her), and when they begin to learn about consequences for their own forgetfulness/lack of action, etc.

In short, when am I expecting too much (more than she can be expected to handle/manage), and when am I expecting too little (and by babying her, ending up with a child who can't take responsibility and organise herself).

Also feel bad when there are consequences for her that i could have prevented if I'd done it for her.

My son is almost 10. He is supposed to empty the dishwasher. Make the coffee. Keep his room tidy. I am lucky to get a cup of coffee occasionally, more whinge than coffee.

He is left alone if I walk the dog with his sister. He is told not to answer the phone. He does. He is told not to answer the door. He does.

I baby him.

Responsibility- has to take responsibility for homework. Has to take out recycling (communal bins). Has to cycle to local Sainsburys for bread/milk when we've run out. Has to bring home 8 year old sister once a week and mind her until I get in ( so they are home alone one hour).

Doesn't have to cook any meals or do own washing, has to tidy room but not clean it.

Has freedom to play out on estate with friends, and go to/from youth club with them. We are lucky in that everything is in walking distance.

Has access to laptop only on kitchen table where I can see it. Mainly uses it for CBBC website and homework. Isn't interested in Moshi Monsters/Club Penguin type sites, and wouldn't be allowed more grown up forms of social networking yet.

When at home is an avid reader, so mainly does that in free time.

Gets £1 pocket money per week.

Consequences!! Ha! I'm the fool who says she is never ever ever going up the school with a forgotten item again.

Must dash, I'm off to drop a lunch box off.

About homework and consequences.

I really dislike homework encroaching on family time, and resent it. I try not to let this resentment show to dd.

I do encourage/remind her to do it, and if she asks for help I give it.

Our school has very high expectations (and very pushy parents) and it is very easy to feel guilty about not doing enough. But I think they need more time for their own interests, projects and independent reading.

I don't agree with the argument that it is to prepare them for secondary- these years are totally different to secondary and should be treated as such.

My ds is 11 in february. He has full responsibility for his pets. He looks aft himself in terms of showering and hair washing and so on, apart from nit combing and cutting his toenails which he can'd because for some reason it makes him cringe(!). Dirty clothes in the basket. He's expected to tell me if he needs clean football kit or cub stuff ( but I do secretly check!). He can cook a simple meal- he would do more but we have an Aga and it can be temperamental. I leave him alone for up to about an hour- and I do expect him tomanswer the phone and take sensible messges. I send him to the shop and letter box on his bike. If he wants his room tidy he either does it himself or begs me to help. He plays out a lot, I expect him to either have his phone with him orn heck back home ever hour if he doesn't. Oh, and he writes our menu plan every two weeks.

Have a 10 yr old dd.
She is expected to keep her room tidy and clean it once a week. She's also expected to put her dirty clothes in the washing basket & put her clean clothes away (I just leave them on the bed).
She gets herself organised in the morning, sorts her own breakfast but needs chivvying along to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
She has got a key and sometimes uses it but always phones me the second she gets in. She then just watches tv till I get back.
She gets a euro a week as pocket money.
We live in a tiny village so she's free to go out and say she'll be back at 5pm or so. She cant get out the village so I can always find her if I need her.

Dont use consequences so much with her as she's really well behaved but if needed then she's grounded for x number of days.

She's so much fun at the moment that I'm dreading her becoming a stroppy teen. Wish I could stop time.

My only DS is 10 and 4 months - walks to and from school alone (5 minutes) and to local friends. He has own computer which I regularly monitor his e-mails and sites and no way is he allowed social networking sites - that was the condition of him having one.

We have also started to make him deal with himself some unacceptable language and low level bullying at school - either by reporting it or by saying to the other boys that it's unacceptable (maybe too harsh?)

He has to put his own dishes in dishwasher, take out recycling, keep room tidy and take responsibility for homework PE kit, etc

In return he gets £2 pocket money, has forgotten PE kit only once and homework only once, is rubbish about tidying room. I'm too soft he's going to start making coffee tonight!

Ds is 11 next month. He gets himself showered and ready for school, feeds the dog and cat, and puts stuff in dishwasher.
I take him to school as its too far for him to go on his own, but when he moves up next summer, he'll be taking his bike. He gets a lift home (with the mum of the child I take with us in the mornings), and if I'm out he let's himself in with his key and phones me to see where I am.
He uses the computer in the kitchen, mostly game sites that dp or I check are ok, and he doesn't get onto any social networking sites - he isn't the least bit interested anyway tbh.
He goes to the local shop for bread, its only about 5 minutes walk, and he goes to friends houses to play. He takes his phone and will text to check when he has to be back.
He gives the dog one of his walks a day, and always comes back with poo-bag neatly knotted!
He gets £5 a week pocket money, which he tends to save for xbox games.
He has a little less freedom than some of his friends, mostly the ones with older siblings, but he isn't railing against any of our restrictions yet.........

This is all very helpful. And it does appear I'm being too soft!

Mornings:
do you wake them, or do they get themselves up using an alarm clock
do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days
do you polish/clean their shoes
do they get their own breakfast
do they pack their own lunch
do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them)
do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags

Afternoons/Evenings
do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc
do you then monitor what has been done
do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out

General
Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce
What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc)

DD will (generally) do what is asked, but will do nothing without prompting. And when prompted, I often get grumbling in response, or a 'I'll do it later'. The latter can make me see red. How do you all deal with that?

As i said earlier - at this age, seems hard to know the difference between doing too much for them, or expecting too much from them.

Mornings:

I wake them

She gets her own breakfast

I make packed lunches

She usually makes her own bed

She organises her own school/sports stuff

Shoes are done by me (rarely)

I prompt for homework and check it is done

She doesn't have a set bedtime- it often depends on what she is reading, or if she's been to Guides or youth club I give her wind down time after that.

Lights out about 9pm.

You could be talking about my DD1. She is 9.5.
DD1 will (generally) do what is asked, but will do nothing without prompting. And when prompted, I often get grumbling in response, or a 'I'll do it later'. I usually respond by nagging...

Answering the questions below shows me how babied she is. She has a strong sense of entitlement and is very strong willed, I will have quite a few battles on my hands to bring about some of these changes.

Mornings:
do you wake them, YES
do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days, Not usually
do you polish/clean their shoes, Yes, but not very often
do they get their own breakfast, Only at weekends
do they pack their own lunch, No
do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them), NO and it stays unmade most of the time. She will make it if reminded when she has visitors.
do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags NO, I wish..

Afternoons/Evenings
do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc YES, homework would be done eventually. music practice would probably never happen...
do you then monitor what has been done Only a quick check
do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out Yes, 8:30 bed, lights out 9am. She would still be reading at 1am if we didn't enforce this by actually turning off the light at 9pm 'ish, could be as late as 9:30 if we forget.

General
Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce. Both DDs need to tidy their rooms and the toyroom. I either remind them or announce it.
What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc). They suffer whatever consequences. DD1 will 'blame' me for the missing item, Mom you forgot to pack my whatever.

I left my 10 yo dd alone in the house for 10 minutes the other day and it totally freaked me out -no way is she having a key!!!!

she is actually really sensible and would probably be ok but ten seems sooooo young!

she can cook a meal (makes beautiful soup!)
(her 7 year old sister makes the coffee)
I wake her up but then she gets herself ready, sorts her stuff for school etc
I work so take her to breakfast club and pick her up from after school
she is allowed to go to the park on her bike by herself and her friend's in one direction -the other direction is a nasty road that I don't like crossing so she isn't going to!
she goes to the shop if we run out of milk etc
tidies her room (has fially realised that if you tidy as you go this is no big deal)
looks after the guinea pigs (7 yo feeds the cat)
she needs help washing her hair -it's really thick and rinsing it is a nightmare, but other than that keeps herself clean
bedtime is 9, I don't monitor lights out
she controls her homework and has only ever asked for help with one project

and she's picked which high school she wants to go to, and it isn't the one her friends have put as first choice

hmmm, perhaps I should give her a key?

I have a flexible schedule and work from home, so in theory am available to help dd with whatever she needs.

I wonder if dc who have parents who work outside the home are forced to be more independent and self-sufficient because the parents simply can't coddle them.

10 year old dd, is very much my pfb.

Responsibilities:
Keep her room tidy
Clean her pets
Help me clean out chickens
Set and clear the table
Clean her own bathroom
Put away her own washing and do some of her own ironing
She cooks about once a week

Freedom
She can go to the local shop on her own
She runs her own dog walking business and therefore walks around the village on her own within an agreed area
She has a computer in the kitchen to access the Internet under our supervision
She has her own mobile phone although she cannot take it to school
We top it up every month according to how well she has done her chores this also pays for her club penguin membership
She has a tv in her room but it is only for watching DVDs it is not connected to an aerial

Pocket money
We top up her phone , pay for her club penguin
She earns her own money from her business! She donates 1/3 to charity, 1/3 she saves and 1/3 she spends . It is her choice to break it down that way.

Personal care
An ongoing battle, she seems to resent water and soap. She gets up in the morning and has her own shower . She does her own hair and gets dressed. She needs nagging about staying clean.
She has a clothing budget every month to spend as she wishes. She chooses all her clothes but I have the power of veto. I use it often.
She does sometimes wear makeup, I try not to gets too stressy about it although I don't like it. We are talking lip gloss and eye shadow.

Being left on her own
In the morning for about 15 mins while dp drops me at work
Other than that She isn't left really, mainly because she likes to be with us and we tend to travel as a pack . This week dp and I went to walk the dog on our own and we stopped for a coffee - she was quite upset.

Homework
Totally under dd's control and she tends to get on with it as she adores her teacher and she is ambitious and competitive .

My do works from home so is always around which is why she is rarely on her own.

She has to be independent in terns kf doing chores and making the odd meal as I work long hours in term time . She is also naturally quite independent in that sense.

I would not let my dd have a key as she tends to lose things .

Dd will choose her secondary school. I hope she chooses the comp.

If she wants to apply to the grammar I will not stand in her way.

DD will be 11 in Feb and is an only child. I do a lot for her because she's out fo the house for 12 hours at a time during the week (combination of school being a trek away and a time-consuming hobby). DH and i both work f/t outside the home.

Mornings:
do you wake them, or do they get themselves up using an alarm clock: I switch on her bedside light and then bellow upstairs when her breakfast is ready
do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days: No, unless she asks what i think of a partciular combination
do you polish/clean their shoes: sometimes
do they get their own breakfast: weekends and holidays
do they pack their own lunch: no
do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them): yes
do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags: yes

Afternoons/Evenings
do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc: we are very time poor in the week so there's not much choice. She has to practise each instrument 4x per week, she decides when in relation to other activities. I may remind her if I think she's not going to make the 4 sessions.
do you then monitor what has been done; not really
do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out: aim is for lights out at 9pm, but we cuddle and chat for 10 mons before

General
Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce: she doesn't do much, but is expewcted to help out when asked, e.g. make cups of tea, make lunch on a Saturday, strip her bed and put clean sheets back on
What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc): tough! We're too far away from school. She has forgotten to being homework home a couple of times and her friends have saved her bacon via skype/email

It's a bit of a weird combination with DD as she has a lot of independence in terms of travel, going to town and money but not a lot expected of her at home. However she looks after her pony with very little input from me (mucking out, feeds, turning out) and is capable of doing a lot of things that she doesn't really ever do. Our choice though as we feel it's better for her to charge round the countryside on her pony with her friends on a Saturday than push a hoover round her bedroom (and there's not enough time for her to do both!)

Have an 11yo ds with some degree of physical disability (painful joints) which affects his motor control. Had an 11yo dd a few years ago (also disabled).

Mornings:
do you wake them, or do they get themselves up using an alarm clock:

in theory, they get themselves up, and dd did actually do this, but ds has a way of sleeping straight through the alarm

do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days: no, ds wouldn't trust my dress sense, and I can't say I blame him

do you polish/clean their shoes: might do, that kind of movement is very uncomfortable for him

do they get their own breakfast: yes

do they pack their own lunch: school dinners

do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them): frankly, I think we all tend to leave them unmade - but it is his responsibility

do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags: yes

Afternoons/Evenings

do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc: no

do you then monitor what has been done: no, though I have been known to nag remind him that he needs to get started on projects

do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out: he has a set bedtime but I don't monitor much

General

Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce: as both dcs have intermittent medical conditions chores work on an ad hoc basis, I ask for help when I need it and they appear to be upright

What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc): they get detention. I am likely to be at work, an hour's journey away, that's just tough

Furthermore, ds has a key, is sometimes alone at home and is allowed to the shops on his own. And can fix himself a simple lunch and a hot drink.

Interesting thread. I have two 10 year old DDs, one is very independent, gets herself up, washed and dressed, sorts out her breakfast, makes her packed lunch, packs her bag and off she goes to school on her bike, she hates being late for anything and is very focused on what she needs to do and when with very little input from me.

Her sister ...... diff story completely, I wake her, she will fall asleep again, I'll yell up the stairs, she grunts but still stays in bed. She will eventually surface and then not know where her uniform is or what she needs for school that day ..... She takes ages getting dressed and fddling about with hair and is late for school most mornings.

My point is I believe it's more to do with personality than what we try and do

Non uniform days, I need to look for spotty things. DD2 (10) will the wear something else

I have a 12yr old DS but I don't think much has changed since last year apart from he does sometimes travel to school on the bus by himself and has been allowed to go into town with friends to the cinema.

I wake him and he gets himself washed and dressed. I make breakfast and packed lunch and he gets his own bags ready. I do make sure he has clean Rugby/PE kit in his games bag. If he loses any items of uniform/sports kit more than once then he has to contribute to the cost of a replacement.

He is responsible for keeping his room tidy and putting his dirty washing in basket. If he wants a tidy bed then he has to make it. He also, on rare occasions, has to keep an eye on his 5 yr old brother. Will pop down to the local shop on his bike to buy odd items for me. He plays out with his friends with set get home time and his mobile on.

We have a set time for his homework (as soon as he gets in from school) and I will check with him as to what has been set and when its due in etc. We had to work hard on organisation during the start of Yr 7 as he found it difficult to manage and timetable his homework.

He has to be reminded to have showers and baths but the level of complaint when I do this has declined over the last year or so.

He decides what he wants to wear at weekends and holidays but if we are going out I might suggest a pair of jeans rather than tatty old trackies!

He has a set bedtime, well, no more tv after 8.30pm and the quicker he gets ready for bed, the more book I will read him (still likes to be read to!). Lights out at 9pm latest.

He has £5 a week pocket money but he buys any magazines, sweets etc he wants plus pays for any cinema trips with friends and saves for bigger items he wants.

Mornings:
do you wake them, or do they get themselves up using an alarm clock DD uses an alarm clock, DS has done but I often still have to wake him
do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days nope
do you polish/clean their shoes yes, or sometimes remind them, or sometimes they do it
do they get their own breakfast cereal yes usually
do they pack their own lunch DD sometimes, they also buy stuff from school
do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them) yes
do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags half and half, DS very disorganised

Afternoons/Evenings
do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc I nag yes
do you then monitor what has been done not really, I help if asked, listen to practice if asked
do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out we are bad at bedtimes, but they are usually in their rooms by 9, and I switch out lights when I think its right

General
Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce its chaotic
What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc) sometimes I run them in then they thank me, sometimes they ask me to run things in, sometimes they just have to put up with the consequences

Mine are 13 and 15. They get a monthly allowance. DD buys out of school clothes with hers. DS is saving for a computer (has bought a DSi and Wii with his)

Seems we have dc that run the gamut from being astonishingly responsible/independent to dc who are still very dependent on adults to organise and manage things for them.

I find it fascinating reading to know what some of your dc are capable of.

sandyballs - very interesting to think that 2 dc of the same age, with the same parenting (presumably) could be such different characters where this is concerned. As usual, I was ready to assume all blame/credit for dd's competency , when perhaps a great deal of it may simply be down to her individual character.