Parents of 10/11 year olds, please come share

[Earlybird]

As a single parent of an only child (aged 10.8), I admit I need advice. Clearly they are no longer little children, but neither are they able to be completely independent.

How much responsibility and freedom do you give your child?

What do you expect them to do for themselves, and what do you still do for them?
How do you expect them to contribute to home life (chores, etc)

As an only and pfb, I can do more for her than if she was part of a big family and had to fend for herself a bit more. Tbh, think I am babying her too much, but also don't expect her to be a mini-adult.

Please share your point of view, and how things happen at your house so I can better judge what is reasonable.

don't beat yourself up. It's definitely down to individual character.

I've tried hard to help DT2 organise herself and become more independent, it just hasn't worked, she's not interested, whereas her sister thrives on it.

Maybe some kids just need to be a bit older before they take on more responsibility, or maybe they will just become that type of adult. I can imagine DT2 living in chaos, unaware of the time, in her own little world, playing the piano, completely unbothered by the 'rules' of time-keeping and the social niceties of not keeping people waiting! She's lovely but very dreamy. I try not to get annoyed with her, as that is her personality, difficult though as I'm much more like DT1.

Having said that, I think that ten is still quite young (your daughter sounds exactly the same age - 11 in Feb/March?). Secondary school next year will change them I hope as they will have more to organise, will have to leave the house earlier etc and more will be expected of them at school. I can understand what you mean about feeling bad when your DD has to deal with consequences that you could have prevented if you'd done it for her. I currently rush DT2 down to school in the car as she is always late, and walking would make her later. But I have told her that I won't be doing this at secondary school, if she misses the bus, then she waits another half hour for the next one .................. it sounds terribly mean if I'm not at work and I'm sitting at home but perhaps kids like that need their parents to be a bit firmer about it all. Who knows, very difficult isn't it. Interesting to read on hear about everyone elses expectations of their 10/11 year olds.

My son's recently turned 11. Very interesting thread, which I'm joining late. Popped on here as he's been quite moody (hormonal?) recently and is in a bit of a transition IMO as he gets closer to puberty...
His jobs: clean out the guinea pigs, lay and clear the table for tea, clean and tidy his room (he does this VERY badly), make tea when asked (reluctant). He enjoys cooking and can cook some good basic meals. He wants to do this once a week but time constraints mean this doesn't happen that often.
He needs to be nagged to do any chores. He needs to be nagged to do homework, which I'll supervise if possible and check. He chooses his own clothes. He is very clean and takes great time and pleasure in showering etc. He makes his own breakfasts on weekends. Would do a packed lunch if asked but I do them as I'm doing them anyway for my younger daughter and myself.
Freedoms:
I leave him in the house alone for short periods of time but am not massively keen on it. He has very recently started to get the bus on his own, which he's keen to do, and is useful practice for move up to secondary school next year. He happily walks himself to school and home again if it's my day off (I work 4 days a week). he's also recently found an age 8-12 youth club near here which he's been to and enjoyed. he's been playing out since he was 8, and is sensible about taking his phone, reporting back home at set times etc.
He gets pocket money of £2 a week but if he behaves badly this may be docked and / or he will be grounded / banned from the computer / Xbox.
I get very bored with the nagging to do jobs and am in awe of those people who don't seem to need to nag...

Nessa - I know what you mean about the nagging.

DD has a friend over atm, and I asked them to take the dog for a walk (the dog dd begged for and promised she would help with). Dd wailed 'noooooo', and the friend simply said 'ok' (which of course meant dd changed her mind).

How nice it would be to make a request and have your child simply say 'ok'! Simple but lovely.

DS is going on 11.

He has an alarm and gets himself up and dressed and gets his own cereal (I am at home)
He polishes his shoes if necessary, and organises all his own clothes / sports kits
He packs his own bags and makes sure he has all his stuff
He practises his cornet when I ask him
He walks to and from school and to the park/shops/swimming pool, etc.
He can catch the bus to his friends.
He is sensible in the house for an hour or so on his own.
He sometimes comes in and gets on with his homework before I get in
He tidies, hoovers and polishes his room (admittedly for a £1)
He can make a cup of tea / toast
He can cook a meal with a bit of support
I would trust him to walk a dog
He is quite helpful if I ask him

He has a set bedtime and reads for half an hour a night

He gets bored easily unless he can go out and do active stuff all the time

My dd is 10.5. She gets herself up and dressed. I make her breakfast. She walks herself the 5 min walk to school. She needs a lot of prompting and homework encouragement. She has a cooked meal at school so makes herself a sandwich early evening. She needs prompting and encouraging to shower. She tidies her own room, cleans her room if I ask, cleans the bathroom once a week, feeds the pets, changes her bed when asked and makes me a coffee if asked to. She gets £2 per week pocket money. She is allowed to play out with children who live in our street, but no further afield than that.

My ds is 11.5. He gets himself up and dresses. I make his breakfast. He walks himself the 30 min walk to school. He deals with his homework independently. He has a cooked meal at school (often forgets his dinner money) and makes himself a sandwich early evening. He only showers when nagged to. His room is a bomb site. He empties the dishwasher daily and pops to the shop if I run out of bread or milk. He gets £3 per week pocket money. He plays out a lot and has a fair bit of freedom. If he is going anywhere off of our housing estate he has to text me and let me know where he's going.

Neither of them can cook a meal yet without it being a major drama, not even something simple like beans on toast. I have left them alone a couple of times for up to 45 mins. I am not ready to give them a key yet.

Most effective consequences are banned from PS for ds and loss of Tv for dd.

Interesting to compare with what others are doing.

DD is not long 10, DS1 is just 12.
They have been SOOOOoooo different.
DD is almost completely self-sufficient, I make most of her food, though, I think she's afraid of knives.
DS1 would let me wipe his bottom! Has always been like that, I have to chivvy him along. Though he is a pretty competent cook for basic stuff, and prepares most of our evening meal veg many days.

So my contribution is that it's an individual thing, what you get.

"do you"
wake them, or ...alarm clock Both, they have alarms, but I am the backup!!
help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days Gawd no, wouldn't dream of it.
polish/clean their shoes yes and no
get their own breakfast No, if they did it would be 2 spoonfuls of porridge with 16 spoonfuls of sugar!
pack their own lunch No, ditto. DS1 would get himself NOTHING.
make their own bed (and... No, and no.
organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags Yes and no, much prompting

announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument No, I sometimes suggest they should... DD esp. does all on her own.
then monitor what has been done NO
have set bedtimes and times for lights out not really

Household chores
Nothing set, I mention when chores need doing (I pay per chore, except certain things are matter of course.

What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc) I still remember for them, am working on getting DS1 more independent (S L O W L Y, DD remembers herself 85% of the time).

Mornings:
do you wake them, or do they get themselves up using an alarm clock - Dd gets herself up when her alarm goes

do you help them decide what to wear on non-uniform days - Not usually

do you polish/clean their shoes - Yes

do they get their own breakfast - On weekends, yes

do they pack their own lunch - No

do they make their own bed (and if left unmade, do you do it for them) -On weekends

do they organise their own book bags, gym bags, instruments/music bags - Yes

Afternoons/Evenings
do you announce when it is time to do homework/practise instrument etc - Yes

do you then monitor what has been done - I ask her to check everything is completed, I don't look at it myself usually, unless it's an assessment/levelled piece

do they have set bedtimes and times for lights out - Yes

General
Household chores - do they have a list, or do you remind them/announce - I ask her to help me with specific things

What happens if they forget things (part of their homework, leave things at home, etc) - Hasn't happened yet!