What do I do - a member of staff at dd2's preschool has excluded her from her dd's party

[startouchedtrinity]

Dd2 goes to a very small pre-school. It's part of our local community and all the staff have dcs at the local school and live in the village. Some mornings dd2 plays with a little girl when we are waiting to go in and dd2 talks about her a lot at home. Her mother is one of the pre-school teachers. On Friday I was waiting with someother mums to pick up when they started talking about this little girl's birthday party, and one little girl who has only just started had been invited, but not my dd. From what I can gather the rest of the pre-school has (about 10 dcs). I've never been made aware of any problems with dd2 and I thought me and the mum got on okay, although she did have a go at dh when he helped one day for taking dd2 to wash her hands.

If it was another mum I'd be miffed but put it down to my face not fitting. But this is a staff member of a very small pre-school and I am wondering just what her problem with my dd2 is, and how this might be affecting how she gets treated when I am not around. Dd2 and this little girl will be in the same class at school and our older dds are also in the same class.

What should I do? Should I have a word with the supervisor? If it gets out that I've made a complaint I will get snubbed in the village as she is very popular. Should I just let it go?

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lisalisa, that is a wonderful story and I am glad it had a happy ending for you. Is your school a faith school? It must help to have other parents who are coming from the same place as you.

Your last sentence sums up perfectly why I am so concerned. It was made clear to me that the girl in question had been allowed to choose her own guests - at 4! - and her mother had given no imput into ensuring inclusion or encouraging new friendships. It is bad enough that parents cannot be relied upon to teach inclusion and thoughtfulness to their dcs; when the parent is themselves a teacher it really does make you doubt how aware they are and what messages are getting across in the sessions.

lisalisa - that school rule would really annoy me, and I am not sure how the school can actually enforce it.

Now I do do whole class parties - 15 in class so not bad - as well as family friends on top. But to be told who I can and can't invite!!!

If it was a class of 30 I might want just 15, but mixed. That would mean that 15 others would be excluded, not just one or two, so can't see the problem myself.

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lisa - I remembered you were orthodox Jewish from the interfaith relations thread. Have spoken to the supervisor and the staff member in question and althoughv I have been given an explanation I don't think they really understand my concerns, I think they see me as a petulant mother who has got out of her pram over her precious baby being left out of something.

I think we have no choice but to look elsewhere.

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Start, i know its unlikely as tI know you are in a village, but is there a Montesori near you? Just, I think the general ethos 9certainly fo the one ds1 and ds2 attended) would really suit your general approach to your children- it was very much a place of celebration of childhood, warm confidence building.

lisa for dd1. Luckily my dd2 is just too little, and also not mature enough to understand what has happened, so it has gone totally over her head. But she and this other little girl will be in the same class throughout primary school and obviouslt later on this will cause problems.

Peachy, the pre-school we are considering is a Montessori! It has an excellent reputation, and dh knows the family that own it so he got a guided tour yesterday w/out an appointment. It does look good, I am waiting to get the new prospectus and then will give dd2 a trial session. She does love going where she goes now, but she is very adaptable. If they can see her for what she is then I will be more than happy.

Well given that in many ways we seem fairly similar in our basic approaches- inwould approach the Montessori as a blessing! OK, the leader is essential (ormirian on here also sent her kids to the smae place as us) and ours was a gem, but I did a study on Montessori for my Access and the whole approach is pretty good.

Okay, this has now got totally out of hand.

The chair of the pre-school (thankfully a friend) approached me on Friday and said that both the supervisor and the staff member/mum had told her of my raising this with them. This is despite me telling the supervisor that I was talking to her in confidence. Apparently I made an official complaint - I didn't - what was there to make a complaint about??? As far as I was concerned it was an informal discussion to clear the air and although I still had concerns I felt these were for me to deal with - I certainly expected no further action on the part of the pre-school or staff - I never wanted any. Even better, the staff member is saying that she felt 'threatened', both by myself and b/c dh was there. Except a) I was on the verge of tears and am the biggest, non-confrontational wuss I know and b) dh wasn't there, he'd come over to make sure I was okay (I'd been at a committee meeting) and to take dd2 home whilst I talked to her - he wasn't even on the premesis when we started.

I am really so angry about this. First, the breech in confidence - I had no intention of going to the chair with this and thought teh matter finished on Monday lunchtime. Secondly, the defamation about dh and myself - I know she didn't feel threatened, our discussion was quite civilised and ended in a reasonably friendly way. Now the pre-school want to take action to 'take things forward' - don't ask me what. I can only assume that the staff thought I'd go telling tales and wanted to get their retaliation in first. The 'threatened' thing I have no idea about but I can promise all of you it isn't true. The chair suspects she is going to use it at some time in negotiation over pay and conditions.

Anyway, I can't have breeches of confidence or lies told about us, so I have decided to write a letter to the staff members involved regretfully asking for an apology for both. DD2 is trying out the Montessori later this week but I don't want to just change her from one to the other without some settling in time.

Am totally gutted about this for dd2.

Giving this a bump in case anyone can add anything - could do with some reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

What a vile situation you have been left in.

I really don't know what to say, and can't offer any advice, but maybe a letter would be the way forward. I suppose the only thing is that it needs to be totally factual and unemotional, rather than focus on the hurt generated.

I would do it along the lines that 'I
tried to address this situation in an informal manner, but as you have now chosen to follow the official path, I would like to confirm that my concerns are as follows -

a.
b.
c.

Really try not to let your hurt show - easier said than done.

Really sorry it's turning out like this .

Thank you fairyjay, I really need a bit of sympathy right now. It is a big problem that we are such a small community, the staff member's older dd is in my dd1's class at school so we see each other at the school gates, too - and her husband walks the dog past our house each day - the supervisor's kids are at dd1's school too - I can't get away from it and know I will talked about.

I have had my fill of Little-Inbreeding-On-The-Dungheap, I can tell you. Am trying desperately to persuade dh to up sticks and move.

Poor dd2, she is such a sweetie.

am just so shocked at the behaviour of this teacher
she sounds like a complete nightmare
you and your dd shouldn't have to put up with this
you are doing the right thing imo

btw, i have a fear of driving to strange places, not as strong as a phobia, but I can sympathise a little

Thank you. Thing is, although I wouldn't have said she was the best I wouldn't have thought her terrible, until now. And I really liked the supervisor, b/c she is so good with dd2, who is a bit of a flake, bless her. I get v. emotional about dd2 b/c she has been unwell and is only now catching up both on her development and on missed time and experiences.

I really can't believe what has happened, and it is dd2 who will really suffer. Am hoping it doesn't affect dd1 at school too.

(Am sorry about the driving fear - I can drive so it's not like it's fear of the unknown but I am no good at it and now I have dcs...I feel sick just thinking about it.)

But to ask everyone except your dd is foul.
I am a teacher, I would hope I could set a better example.
Remember that your dd is lucky to have you for a mother and not someone who thinks it is ok to leave people out of things.

(With the driving I would start small and practise the drive without the dc's, if you keep a diary of your feelings I bet you would find yourself feeling better about it quite soon. It worked for me. Will shut up now...)

I think she left the boys out. She claims other girls were too, but although not all went, I know all were invited.

I totally agree about setting an example, that was my main problem until Friday when it all got mad. For me it's about bringing my dcs up to be the kinds of people that lead happy lives b/c they have big hearts, are aware and don't exclude.

(btw thanks for the driving tips - am thinking of refresher lessons at some point.)

I have my letter written. Am dreading giving it to the staff tomorrow.

What a nightmare scenario.

my heart goes out to you, GL for tomorrow

Your stomach must be in knots but remember you have done nothing wrong. When I get worreid about hings I tell myself I have been through worse things and I can do this. Good luck.
BTW I would remove my DD immediately if it was me. I have done this twice with a playschool and nursery.

Thank you both. I can't believe how out of hand things have got. I can deal with tomorrow, it is the implications for the future that bother me - I have no idea how tomorrow will go and what ramifications there will be around the village for us as a family.

NAB, I suspect after tomorrow relations between the staff and myself will have broken down to such an extent that it will be impossible for us to send dd2 to the pre-school anyway. Although we had thought of keeping her there until settled elsewhere (she loves it and all this is totally over her head) I might take her to soft play instead until we sort out another place for her.

STT Are you a SAHM? ie you don't have to send her to pre school?

Yes, I am a SAHM, but dd2 loves pre-school - she is very unlike her sister who could happiliy have stayed at home until she started school - dd2 seems to need time outside. The days she doesn't go are tough, even though I do activities with her - I have 18 mo ds too so we have to fit in around his needs.

If it was me, I would remove her immediately and let it lie, once you have handed in your Dds notice and the letter. Ignore anyone in the village if they are negative. You don't need people like that and you will be old news soon enough. I understand how you feel as we considered moving when we had problems but decided why should we be driven out by small minded, mean and inconsequential people.

Hope everything goes ok tomorrow stt