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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

What do I do - a member of staff at dd2's preschool has excluded her from her dd's party

86 replies

startouchedtrinity · 15/09/2007 13:45

Dd2 goes to a very small pre-school. It's part of our local community and all the staff have dcs at the local school and live in the village. Some mornings dd2 plays with a little girl when we are waiting to go in and dd2 talks about her a lot at home. Her mother is one of the pre-school teachers. On Friday I was waiting with someother mums to pick up when they started talking about this little girl's birthday party, and one little girl who has only just started had been invited, but not my dd. From what I can gather the rest of the pre-school has (about 10 dcs). I've never been made aware of any problems with dd2 and I thought me and the mum got on okay, although she did have a go at dh when he helped one day for taking dd2 to wash her hands.

If it was another mum I'd be miffed but put it down to my face not fitting. But this is a staff member of a very small pre-school and I am wondering just what her problem with my dd2 is, and how this might be affecting how she gets treated when I am not around. Dd2 and this little girl will be in the same class at school and our older dds are also in the same class.

What should I do? Should I have a word with the supervisor? If it gets out that I've made a complaint I will get snubbed in the village as she is very popular. Should I just let it go?

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CissyCharlton · 15/09/2007 20:24

The best of luck STT with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

startouchedtrinity · 15/09/2007 20:57

Thank you both. Will have to listen to the talk at the school gates on Monday and then decide what to do...

OP posts:

fillyjonk · 16/09/2007 06:53

she sounds bloody horrible. I cannot for the life of me imagine giving a feck about another kid blowing out candles on a birthday cake, especially not at THIS age, jesus.

And blanking a child when they say hello to you on the street?

So it could be your dp here that she is actually annoyed with? But still

Much sympathy, I can see that you are in an awkward position.

Look, can you not just stay in the pre-school for a few mornings and see whats going on?

Original poster

startouchedtrinity · 16/09/2007 12:41

Thank you. I don't know, filly, maybe I'm talking rubbish; I'm just trying to think of reasons why she might object to my dd2.

I have only discussed this with one mum and she said that she had the impression she was shy. It's not the impression that I have formed by a long way, but if she is too shy to acknowledge a child in her care when she sees her in the street then one has to question if she is in the right job.

I have stayed on a couple of occasions (dh tends to do more sessions than me b/c they are glad to see a dad around and actually he is much better at it than I am) and my impression is that she doesn't see the vulnerability in young children. I think she has a very practical, conventional outlook. She's not very warm. I certainly would say that the other staff interact with dd2 more. But it is a while since I stayed so I should probably do so again - but then is she likely to be different if I am there? (maybe I shoudl hide in the dressing up cupboard..)

OP posts:

Original poster

startouchedtrinity · 17/09/2007 13:51

Okay, had a word with both the supervisor and the mum. Apparently the child didn't name dd2 as one of the children she wanted to invite. According to her other dcs from teh pre-school were excluded, but all the girls were talking about the party except dd2. I checked that she has no issues with dd2's behaviour and she said not. I said that I wasn't trying to tell her who should come to the party but she said that was how it sounded to her - I said if she hadn't been a staff member I would have let it go but I needed to know that there was nothing going on that would impact on dd2.

Then I saw a friend (who is blunt about telling me when I am in the wrong )who is a teacher and she says that b/c of the impact that exclusion has on dcs she has been careful to teach her boys to include people, and IHO a teacher not realising that is not good. She added that if this is thought to be okay by staff then she would worry about what the pre-school teaches in session about including and sharing.

So, wise mumsnetters, have I just made an idiot of myself? Or is my friend right and I still have cause for concern?

OP posts:

lisalisa · 17/09/2007 14:03

Message withdrawn

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 14:12

OMG lisalisa - that would annoy me. Is it a really small school? DS had 12 children to his birthday party - 5 girls, 7 boys. I can't fit 30-odd children into my house, and he would have een upset to exclude the girls he plays with in order to invite the boys he doesn't.

I don't like the sex segregation thing either

Peachy · 17/09/2007 14:27

Actually lisalisa, ds1 hasnt ahd an invite for over a year to a party (one for an easter egg hunt but just him) and its due to his disabilities, I would love the school to have some sort of inclusion policy - people think that AS means not emotional but he knows what it is to feel hurt and cries every week when another invite goes out

Can see it would be awkward n some situations, but can see the benefits from ehre as well.

STT- you handled it well. personally her aggressive approach (are you telling me etc) would confirm my worries. Defintiely thnk a few sessions in, and maybe not-obvious-casual-wuartins to dd may be in order

lisalisa · 17/09/2007 16:26

Message withdrawn

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 16:50

But the children at your school can invite half the class - as long as they are all the same sex

Is that how they play at school?

Peachy · 17/09/2007 16:58

It is how they play at our school tbh- girl or boy aprties tend to be the norm, the most popular party venue is only able to take 20 kids,, class of 30, it just seems to work that way

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 17:03

In fact, the more I think about it, the more intrusive and unfair it seems. I could not fit 30 children into my house. I cannot afford to hire a hall. The idea of having to handle 30 6 year olds actually makes me feel rather faint. So if my ds were at this school he would either have to restrict his guest list to 3, or not invite children he does play with and invite children he doesn't.

Do they monitor playdates as well? Do you have to invite the class in rotation.

I do entirely smpathise with Peachy's ds, but I don't think regulating who can and cannot be invited to a child's birthday party, outdside of school, is the way to address social problems in school.

What are the sanctions if you invite 6 people for example?

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2007 17:03

Message withdrawn

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 17:04

Sorry Peachy - x-posted (slow typist, many interruptions).

Ds is in year 2. He doesn't play in single sex groups, at least, not exclusively. Which is to be encouraged surely?

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 17:05

Of course leaving out one child is awful. Really mean.

Peachy · 17/09/2007 17:10

Of course its to be encouraged- and we dont ahev any sanctions- but in ds2's year (he's the NT one btw) its just what seems to happen- he does have a fiancee though, and a hanger on LOL

I don't think ds1 is the single kid left out, rather that none of the different grouping (in year 3) seem to include him iyswim? So presumable Mum X thinks ds is matey with one child, another Mum thinks- there's nothing anyone can do, no mean ness, but most AS / ASD parents I know on here do have exactly the same scenario. me I'm a bugger- if there's a kid in a class I suspect to ahve SN they're first on my list LOL! Social engineering!

tortoiseSHELL · 17/09/2007 17:20

I think it's really unfair to leave out one child. Agree, leaving one out is not good.

lisalisa - how on earth can you police that scheme? SUrely it is entirely up to a parent who they can or cannot invite outside school time? I wasn't aware that we all had to obey school rules in our own home, and that school had the right to govern who went to parties.

In ds1's class, it is 50/50 boys girl. At his party he had 12 people from school - 6 boys, 6 girls. He plays equally with both. He had his party at a gym, where you pay £80 for 20 people, then an extra £3 or so per extra person up to a max of 30. So your school would have compelled him to either not invite some of his school friends, or to not invite any out of school friends or his sister, and for me to pay an extra £30, so that the half of the class he doesn't play with could be invited.

Completely loopy imo.

wheresthehamster · 17/09/2007 17:42

Also what happens if another child doesn't like your child? Do you still have to invite them and spoil your own child's party?

Peachy · 17/09/2007 18:11

Isn't that a life skill though, putting up with the occasional person you don't like?

I mean, if theres several non invitees then OK but if you dont invite just one child because your dc doesnt like them, well thats not only abd form its terribly short sighted- they change their likes more often than their undies

Peachy · 17/09/2007 18:11

Isn't that a life skill though, putting up with the occasional person you don't like?

TellusMater · 17/09/2007 18:12

I have more of a problem with not being able to invite children you do like than I do with inviting a child you don't like IYSWIM.

wheresthehamster · 17/09/2007 18:17

I agree wih that Peachy, my post was more about a child being nasty to your child and you still having to invite them!

Original poster

startouchedtrinity · 17/09/2007 19:42

lisalisa - good word, that, gracious...

Thank you everyone. To reiterate, my concern is b/c she teaches dd2 rather than the fact dd2 was excluded from the party. Whilst I can see the problems with lisalisa's school policy (not least WTH's one of your child having to invite the class bully), it does seem that parents generally don't teach their dcs to be inclusive. It's too early to say if dd2 is likely to be a child that gets invited or a child that gets overlooked but that isn't the point really. I am more concerned now about what happens in the setting with regards to inclusion and getting children to include others in their games. I don't think the problem here is that she has been malicious, rather that I am surprised at the lack of awareness in a teaching professional.

Think I shall get some fallout from this as it will be around the village by tomorrow.

Dh and I have decided to look at another pre-school for dd2.

Peachy Not fair on ds1.

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Peachy · 17/09/2007 20:17

STTif theres another school, i'd look too tbh- once your confidence goes, its gone

or do uit my way- no other school, so today I took on the school PTA secretary post

Get on the inside!!!!

Original poster

startouchedtrinity · 17/09/2007 20:25

Goodness you're brave! I did go on the pre-school committee today but won't have that much influence.

Other preschool looks good but is pricey. Also outside the village so I will have to confron my phobia about driving (feel tearful just typing it... )

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