3 year old not enjoying nursery

[carterrw15]

Hi guys, bit of a long one here but I feel pretty heartbroken for my son. So since beginning of the year we found out my son had a place at nursery to start in September. Ever since we have always spoke about him starting nursery and he has been so excited. Comes to his first day in September and he was fine the first week. The following few weeks he cried a bit while I was leaving but he was fine straight after. Comes to two weeks ago and he was fine me leaving him but absolutely sobbing when coming out of nursery but his teacher said he was fine all day. They had been learning about fire alarms these days and he is scared of alarms which I think upset him. The week after he had tears going in but fine coming out. Unfortunately he caught the sickness bug last week so was off 5 days and went back this morning. He started crying when he woke up and didn't stop till I picked him up. He only does mornings every day. 8.45 till 11.45. I ask him if he is enjoying nursery and he says yes but I say well why do you get upset and he says cos I miss you mummy. When he gets home from nursery he literally sits on the sofa staring into space for an hour. Like he's traumatised by what has happened. He's so quiet and calm and just looks around. He keeps getting so upset saying he doesn't want to go to nursery and it breaks my heart. He is genuinely upset and it breaks my heart. Do you have any advise? I've tried everything. Telling him how fun nursery is, not stopping around when I drop him off I help him write his name on the whiteboard and go to the window to wave bye. I don't know what to do I just want him to be happy 😥😥😥 he is a very wary little boy. He likes to know what going off and who's who and likes to know the ins and outs about everything. He has been with me full time for his whole life. He only turned 3 in July.

I would ask for a meeting with his key worker, to see what they have to say about everything.
They will have lots of experience of children not settling easily, and also of child development, and they will be able to talk with you about things they might try / adjustments they might make.

I probably shouldn't say this but as a mummy it would break my heart. My little boy went to nursery and was always fine. Recently my mum has started working there. She said there are a few younger ones who literally just hate it and cry all of the time :( and they say oh he's fine when you go etc. I was mortified so I really feel for you. I'd ask to speak to his key worker and really stress you need to know the truth how he is. Hope he and you feel better soon x

Thanks guys. It really is upsetting seeing my baby so sad. I debate taking h8m out but then what will he be like in September when he has to go full time. I had a little meeting with his teacher and he says he is genuinely fine st school and when he gets home he will just be taking it all in. I think I need to maybe harden up a little bit because I am quite a softy with him. I'm not sure it's a hard one xxxx

Can you give him something of yours to look after while he’s at nursery? This will show him/ reiterate thatyou are coming back x

I helped as a volunteer parent in a nursery for two years, (I was a dad) I witnessed shouting, screaming, belittling and humiliating. When I played with the children I laughed, smiled, played the twit etc. I found my frown said so much more, I'd say oh I don't like that, nice and gentle you wouldn't nice it as discipline. When I left I wrote a 39 page report and sent it to Ofsted.
Now all schools must do Adult Led Play.
Question.....do they do Adult Led Play at you sons nursery?

Now all schools must do Adult Led Play.
Question.....do they do Adult Led Play at you sons nursery?

What?

I'm not quite sure what adult led play is?
I tried giving him something of mine for him to save. I've tried all sorts. He does seem to be getting slightly better as the week goes on. Monday and Tuesday after a weekend off he's quite teary but after that he's fine. He cries quite a bit in the morning saying I'll miss you mummy. I had a meeting with his teacher he even took me into the class (without my son seeing me) to see him 5 mins after I left and he was happy and smiling and having fun lol
Its just the me leaving him part and then he's fine. He asks me everyday 'What day is it tomorrow mummy' I answer what day it will be and he always asks do I go nursery that day I say yes. He is always wondering about nursery xxx

I have also kind of brushed it off. He always says am I at nursery tomorrow, are you gunna pick me up, I know you come pick me up don't I, always asking questions but I'm trying not to fetch too much attention to it and answering him then quickly changing conversation x

I think this sounds normal behaviour. 3 hours a day probably feels like a lot but it isn’t and I think sometimes the less time they do the worse it can be. Would doing two full days instead be an option? regarding the sitting quietly - is he tired? Probably sensory overload from being in a chaotic new learning environment? My son is 3 and goes to private nursery but is quiet as a mouse when he comes home. He definitely isn’t traumatised he’s just knackered and wants to sit and watch telly! I don’t see what the nursery would gain from lyingto you saying he’s fine if he isn’t. They’d just be making more work for themselves. Why don’t you ask for a meeting with the key worker and see what they can suggest?

Sorry just saw that you met and he was fine and happy! The drop offs are always worse. I bet in a months time things are different x

3 hours a day is too little.

My son went to nursery at 9 months. He has been there over a year and has not gone in crying about 5 or 6 times. Honestly, the best way for me is to drop and run. I absolutely know that he is happy and safe (have sneaked in early/hung around to see if he cheers up) and he does so well. He waves 'bye bye nursery' every time we drive past without any prompting. He talks to me about what he has done/eaten/the staff looking after him but he STILL gets emotional every drop off and after dinner time when he watches the door waiting for me coming. The nursery staff say he gets upset if they say mummy at all. Some days I get a bit down that other kids just run in and theres always sobbing with him but it's just his personality and I have seen so much development with his speech and him becoming much less clingy that for us the benefits outweigh the negatives. Also i would quite like to get all this out the way before he goes to school!

Hi OP, just to reassure you, I've worked in a variety of roles with children 0-8 all over the country for over 10 years now and I've never told a parent a child was fine when they werent- I'm expecting this will be the same for your setting. I agree with asking for a meeting with your child's key person- have you been introduced to this person? Does your child have a bond with them? It is normal for a child to cry on drop offs and I have experienced some children cry when being picked up too- I would expect the first thing to do would be to encourage a bond with a member of staff. I have had children in my key group cry before, but as I spent more time with them simply just playing or reading them a story or giving them a cuddle, they come to see you as a friend, and get excited to see you and to come to nursery.

Does the setting have an online observation system so you are able to see pictures and access information about what your child is up to during that day? That might help to put your mind at rest too.

It might just be a case of your child being with you full time and then suddenly put in to a setting. 3 hours may seem like a short period of time to us but will seem like a day to little children. There are lots of things to try to get your little one used to the idea, like transition and routine books, ask the nursery for printed pictures of the classroom to generate discussion at home. Are comfort toys allowed? Does the setting have an 'anywhere bear' or transition toy that your DC could take care of one day when not at nursery? You could also mention to your little one that you would love it if he could use some special pens, paint, paper etc at nursery and make something for the fridge- I've found this to be particularly useful in getting a child to settle as it focuses them on a task, and they can see that piece of work at home- it will generate discussion and they will remember how much fun they had making it and how much you cherished it, they'd want to do it again

Thanks for that jent13c. That makes me feel better. Although my boy is actually more clingy to me now since nursery. He only does half a day every day. But he is and always has been such a sensitive soul. He has to take everything in and know what going off. He's been since September and has learned to write his name count to 20 count back from 10 to 0 learned new songs and draw faces and all sorts. Within a few weeks. So at least I know he's actually listening and taking things in and learning things. He comes out of nursery smiling and excited to look what new book he has from school in his book bag. He absolutely loves his teacher it's just me leaving him that he doesn't like. He gets upset saying he will miss me and keeps asking if I'm gunna pick him up. I just thought it would have sunk in now that he knows I pick him up after 3 hours play. Xxxx

Sevens7, what are you on about? The focus is on child centred play, the adult has a role, certainly not leading, but the child is the focus.

Hi Bailey20, thank you for your reply. I think he is just taking time to settle in after having all his life with his mummy. I have met the 3 workers in his class and his main teacher and main assistant are absolutely fab. I couldn't be happier with them. When I take Carter in he goes to the main assistant and she takes him to window to wave to me and goes off with him drawing. I've popped back in several times without him seeing me and he's happy as Larry. They do have a site where they upload photos every day of what the children have been up to which really sets my mind at ease. He's just my little boy and I hate seeing him sad but I feel better knowing he's actually enjoying it once I've left xxx

Redrosebell thank you, I think it's just having to ride through it with him till he gets used to it. Last week he was a lot better when we got home he was more giddy than quiet lol I think the first few week he just got home and wanted to sit quiet a minute. Xxx

I witnessed adult volunteers wandering around holding hands, nursery staff on computers imputing data but no interacting or playing with the children. No fun or laughter etc. i thought that discipline was harsh so staff could knock the children into shape for reception class. I also witnessed children making things (hand/eye) but no (mouth/ear) conversation about what they were doing. When you play with them you can hide discipline, eg laugh, smile, smile, joke, laugh then frown. 5 positives to one negative.
Adult Led Play is staff playing with children, not children playing on their own all the time. I told Ofsted that i didn't think the staff knew how to play.

in nursery only 4 children in am nursery and 4 in pm nursery could talk to me. When children only play on their own their vocabulary stays at a certain low level. I started in school as a volunteer listener to readers,
some in year 1 didn't want to chat for 5 minutes before we started because it was too difficult, talking to them was a real test, it was easier to read out loud. i switched to the nursery and had so much fun i cant tell you. It was where i discovered what discipline was.

A top psychologist once said.....rules without relationship equals rebellion.......if the relationship is poor all you can do is bully.
I witnessed shouting and screaming in school, all the staff could do is shout louder and louder and louder. I helped in every class in the infant school, some had a better relationship and had more control.

If you don't love you can't discipline because discipline is a part of love.
I didn't love my boys and did bully style parenting because that was how i was brought up. school can break this cycle but won't.

Sevens. I'm not sure any if this is helpful or relevant to the op.

it could be that he is frightened of someone

He's definitely not scared of anything he told me he loves his teachers

I've also heard horror stories about nursery workers saying all is well when actually the child has been crying all day HOWEVER, I think you need to have trust in your care setting that they're doing the best for your son. If you've started behind, come in early to watch him and he's happy and playing, then I don't think you need to worry. My DS took the best part of 4 months to not cry at nursery drop off and that was with him doing 3 full days and a fairly long phased settling in period.

You have to remember that his whole life, your DS has known nothing but you. It's natural that he will feel upset that this is changing. But you're doing the right thing by starting nursery now in time for school next year, which will be full time and more tiring. I know it's hard, but please have patience and it will get easier! Xx

I think a lot of dc struggle when they realise that going to nursery and school in ongoing. It's talked about and built up as something to look forward too, like a party, and they go and they enjoy it...but then they have to keep going. Forever!

It's possible that he is zoning out like that because he is tired.

I used to tell my dd the fascinating things I was going to do while they were at nursery. 'Today I am going to mop the floor'. So they would realise they were better off at nursery than with me. And ask lots of questions or make commentsthat make it sound like you know the nursery like the back of your hand. So he feels like you are connected with it. Did you have your fruit in the blue bowl or the yellow one? What story did you have? Oh, the one about the rabbit? Yes l like that one. Who did you play with? Oh Steve, yes he's a lot of fun.

It's possible that the school would be more than happy for you to go in. The best thing is to be in charge of a static activity, like painting, where you are in the same place all morning. Not following him around. Be positive about it, don't pick him up or let him hang off you.