People with children who got very upset when left at preschool, come and talk to Hunker, please

[hunkermunker]

DS1 cried for an hour today, then the preschool leader rang me. She's very nice, I can't fault the preschool at all - but DS1 was so upset He was saying "Oh, dear, want to go home, see Mummy and Daddy, oh, dear"

He wouldn't even have a biscuit, so he was definitely very upset The preschool were good with him - I watched through the window for a minute or so before I rang the bell, just to see how they were with him - he was holding one of the leaders hands, on the edge of tears. He'd been going up to all the doors to see if I was at any of them.

I have been talking to him about preschool, and he seemed quite excited to see it today - was saying "Oh, look, there's preschool, just round the corner, can you see it?" in the car. But when it came to me saying goodbye and leaving, he was just inconsolable (was OK till I actually left the room).

I'm going tomorrow and will stay with him and pop out of the room for five minute intervals and see how he goes with that.

He's 2.9 and usually such a happy little boy - he's been going to baby/toddler groups since he was eight weeks old, so it's not like he hasn't had experience of being around other children.

I am not interested in hearing how soft I am, or how I should just "leave him to get on with it", so if you're going to post in that vein, please don't. There's no point, because I won't be just leaving him - so don't waste MN's ink, please

Well I have the opposite problem which makes me feel like a terrible mother. Ds (2.5) started nursery last week and was so eager to go that the nursery said not to bother with the settling in period. He loves it and is very quick to wave me off with not even a backward glance. Yesterday when I went to pick him up I watched through the glass as they chased him around the classroom whilst ds was wailing "Don't let mummy take me I want to stay here, I don't want to go yet". We then had a few tears in the foyer because he did not want to come home. I feel sad that the thought of coming home with his mum upsets him so much.

Hunker, I think you are doing the right thing in leaving for short intervals. I remember reading in the brochure for ds's nursery that they advise leaving for 15 minutes then coming back and staying with the child for the rest of the session and then increase the time that you are away for 15 minutes each day until you are away for the whole session. Have you tried this approach?

i used to pop out for a few minutes too..id even stand in foyer hiding round corner and peeping in(might have looked odd to someone walking pasy), and gradulay left it longer and longer..i know how you feeel it is awful

With Ds I had to leave him crying because I was working at the time. But when dd started playgroup I stayed with her and if she really did not want to go to playgroup, instead of listen to other peoples' adviseI I took her back home!

Hi Hunker,
My ds was like this even though he is the most outgoing boy you'll ever meet (usually).

I started of by reading LOADS of books about going to pre school and nursery and talking about it ALOT! Then we did a few visits where we stayed together for about half an hour (not sure if your pre school did this)and then left.
Then I used to stay with him for about 5-10 mins before I left , even though I think the staff would have prefered it if I just left, and then he'd really cry.

I used to look through the window and it was awful, but the staff used to call me later and tell me how he was etc.

He always took his fave comforter toy which really helped and I tried to have friends and their mums back quite early on so he really recognised the other children.

I used to say 'I have to go now as I need to do hoovering 'etc and sometimes said I'd bring him sweets etc when I picked him up. He loved that.
I always used to get there quite early to pick him up and wave through the window. He liked that too.

Its hard, but it DOES get better.

Hunker, I was totally taken aback when my ds2 (youngest of 3) was very upset about being left - I'd never had to deal with this with the older two, either at pre-school or school. (I'm sure I had a thread about this a few months ago)

On the first day, when I went to collect him, they called me in early (we usually queue outside till they open the door) and he was asleep on a mat - had been there for a while - he obviously was so upset he just cried himself to sleep (would never have been asleep at that time normally).

For the first few days I stayed with him for a little while (mainly so they could get registration done in peace!) and then after that I left straightaway - with him still crying. It took 2 or 3 weeks for him to go in "willingly" and not have to be prised off me!

He is now in his second term and he does still sometimes say that he doesn't want to go, but does when it comes to it. In fact yesterday, he ran up to some other children when we got inside and when I went up to him to say goodbye, he pushed me away and told me to go home!

One thing that helped to get him to go in more readily was that I started to take a neighbours son (who goes to the same place). I used to say "Well I have to go in to take X in" and generally he would forget about not wanting to go in the excitement of having his friend in the car!

Maybe not want you want to hear but I would say definitely stay for a bit until all the other children have settled down and a member of staff can give him her undivided attention but I personally think staying for the whole session might just prolong things...

But if he really doesn't settle after a couple of weeks, I would agree with Roisin that you may have to considerstopping and starting again when he is older.

Oh yes the other thing that helped was I used to tell him I was going to leave to go to the shop to buy his favourite sweets (and I would let him have them as soon as we gor home). He also got a new toy he really wanted one day...

When DD started nurssery aged 2 and a bit she hated it so much that once when I left her she shouted after me "Don't leave me Mummy, I promise I won't be naughty again..." Cue floods of tears from me outside school gates.
She now 3 and a bit and positively SKIPS into pre-school without a backward glance. Don't worry - I'm sure you won't still be peeling him off for long. Try and keep smiling even though it'sbloody hard x

oh I went through this when my ds started nursery at 2.8. I used to hand him over to one of the staff and would walk away with him screaming "I want my mummy". It was absolutely heartbreaking and I felt even worse because I was doing it for his benefit, so he could go and socialize with other children without me, rather than because of my need to put him in there for childcare reasons etc.

I did find though that the longer I stayed, the worse he was, so I used to just give him a kiss and a cuddle and walk away, and would ring the nursery an hour later to see how he was. They were very good though and woul ring if he was ever upset. After about 6 weeks he went in with no problems.

He's 4 now, and although he's a bit of a mummy's boy still, he loves his preschool and wanders in there without a backward glance.

Thanks, all - I really appreciate the time you've taken to post and each different view is helping.

DS1, DS2 and I went to preschool today. My nephew was there too, and my MIL - both boys were inconsolable at the thought of either of us leaving, so we both stayed. MIL took DS1 and DN into do music while I swept the floor and put the chairs away - it was quite nice to see how the preschool worked and get to know the staff better, really.

The staff were all saying "Oh, DS1 seems MUCH happier today" - he bombed about the place (I'm running faster!), playing with the sand, in the shop, he can thread a mean cotton reel(!) and he loved pushing a pink buggy round too(!). He came and sat on my lap twice, and I had him on my lap for the story at the end (MIL had DS2!).

He didn't say "Oh, dear" the whole session

So between MIL and me, we're going to stay until the boys know what the preschool routine is - DS1 is very, very confident once he knows what's going on, but very, very slow to warm up to new situations and people, so quite why I thought he'd be OK, I'm not sure!

And yes, I know that's soft. But I figure that he's my little boy, I don't want him sobbing till his nose bleeds twice a week (as it did yesterday ), and once he's cracked it, he'll be happy to stay, I'm sure he will.

DS2 on the other hand - I could've left him - he had a whale of a time...!

Thanks again, and feel free to mutter "wuss" whenever you see my name elsewhere on MN

I would just like to set one myth straight though - I'm not an incredibly attentive parent who has given oodles of undivided attention to DS1 - he's had a little brother for a year now, I've worked since he was 6mo and since Christmas I've been full time (spot the smidgen of parental guilt ).

Oh, just to clarify - when I say we're going to stay, we're going to stay, but leave for longer and longer intervals, or let them go into music by themselves, etc.

DS1 wouldn't have a biscuit today either - a clear sign he's not quite himself.

DS2 ate a clementine and a half and shouted at me if I didn't provide the segments quickly enough

I totally understand what you are going through Hunker. Ds1 (2.3) is going to nursery 3 afternoons a week as of this term and we are doing the settling in sessions at the mo. I try to be all bright and breezy but it's hard. I went to the mum's room and sat for half an hour reading a mag and drinking coffee (bliss!) and apparently he was fine. As soon as I appeared he just looked at me and said "Mummy" and burst into tears. Oh well. If it takes me a month to settle him in then so be it.

You know your ds better than anyone and you have to do this however you want to and at your/his pace. That's what I keep telling myself anyway....

I haven't read all of the posts but have been through this with two of mine. I think you need to give it a bit more time, maybe staying with ds but trying to wean him off you, by doing stuff with other children. If that doesn't work or he gets more upset I'd take him out and try again later. A term can make a huge amount of difference to them and 3yo is still v young, imo.

I sometimes think January is a horrible month anyway to start something new, when it's all cold and dark and miserable. After Easter is more fun if they have somewhere outside to fun around etc. Good luck!

not sure if this is an option, but we found dad doing the drop off helped a lot

that and a sticker chart and dinosaurs if he didn't cry

sympathy though - it's heartbreaking...ds was 3.5, I was 8.5 months pregnant, but within 2 weeks it was cracked and 4 months on he ADORES going!

Do you think he may also be getting upset as its only been a short while since you've been working full time???
Just a thought.

And I don't think you're a wuss at all.

I put off starting my son at pre school when dd was born ( they were going to happen at the same time, dd born in Aug and pre school starting sept ) as I thought it was all going to be too much for him .

I got loads of comments from people saying how ridiculous/pathetic I was being.I just ignored them.

You know whats the best thing for your son.

You are not being soft Hunker. You said yourself, he takes a while to adjust to change - and you are just helping him to do that. The fact that he actually enjoys it is a really positive thing - he's not being "clingy" in the accepted sense of the word, after all. He'll get there!!

I haven't read the whole thread, but when dd2 was like this, I just took her out of nursery and waited until the next term. I thought she wasn't ready, and I wasn't up to weeks of her crying. She was fine when she went back the next term. (less than a month before she was 3).

Hunker, you are doing what is right for your child, there is no need to "exciuse", iykwim....I think we generally tend to know our Kids the best, so, we usually know if they cope wiht something or not!
This does not mean we know best with everything, just that we tend to get the vibe of our Kids...!
Glad your lil ones is feeling happier already
Also, that is sort of how attachement Parenting works...i.e. you give them theopportunity to be wiht you but cut loose at their own accord, and no mater how good your bond is, it depends on the childs mentality really!
Not sure that makea sense now!

Thank you more

He's not a clingy child at all - not, as you say, in the accepted sense of the word, Miaou. He's such a lively, funny thing and I can't bear it if he's upset because of something like this - it makes me feel physically ill. [stiffens upper lip]

We've got a lot of change going on atm - we're just about to put our house on the market too. Actually, I feel like preschool might be my safe haven for a bit

Partly I'm writing this down so I can look back at this thread in a few months and either sob that it's no better or go aww, remember when DS1 didn't want to go to preschool without me and now he can't wait for me to go!

Oh, and I was "dull Mummy" today too - I mainly played with DS2 and was clementine-dispenser for him DS1 just bombed about happily and came to tell me things. He likes me being nearby, but he will often bugger off and do something else if I sit next to him to play at what he's doing

Wow! I didn't realise you were so close to moving, I thought it was a "will do later in the year" thing! Good luck with that

(I am not here, I have gone to bed btw)

Hunker - I havent read the thread but couldnt resist posting what has worked for a friend and her very clingy 3 year old - He draws a picture to give to one of the teachers. When he gets there he has got a "present" to give him something to do and distract him from his usual anguish - It works perfectly!!

HTH

First time round, turned up at 9:15, left at 11:00, came back at 11:30 and stayed until 12:15. 2nd time round, left at 9:15 but got a phone call at 11:00 from the playgroup leader asking if I was available to pick up dd early since it was clear that she'd had enough. 3rd time round turned up at 10:00 and stayed until 12:00 since dd was being difficult. The plan for next time is to turn up at 9:15 and collect at 11:15, unless called by playgroup sooner but hopefully not before 10:15. We'll see how things go.

Hunker

haven't read thread

but
I'd stay with him for a few sessions (if possible)

and when you do go leave something with him that he knows is YOURS .. a favourite scarf / glove and tell him you'll be back to pick him up in a couple of hours and get back your xx

Good for you hunker, you know your wee boy best. Mine was the same, and never settled at the creche when he was little, but by going away for longer intervals it only took four weeks to settle him in playgroup. I found it really useful to know the routine, so that I can tell him, "I'll be back after story-time" or whatever is the last thing, rather than some random "little while later".
Some kids are better to be left and cheer up seconds after mum leaves, others just need more settling in time. Is one of the playleaders spending ono-to-one time with him, so he can get to know her/him really well?