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Original poster

People with children who got very upset when left at preschool, come and talk to Hunker, please

74 replies

hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:36

DS1 cried for an hour today, then the preschool leader rang me. She's very nice, I can't fault the preschool at all - but DS1 was so upset He was saying "Oh, dear, want to go home, see Mummy and Daddy, oh, dear"

He wouldn't even have a biscuit, so he was definitely very upset The preschool were good with him - I watched through the window for a minute or so before I rang the bell, just to see how they were with him - he was holding one of the leaders hands, on the edge of tears. He'd been going up to all the doors to see if I was at any of them.

I have been talking to him about preschool, and he seemed quite excited to see it today - was saying "Oh, look, there's preschool, just round the corner, can you see it?" in the car. But when it came to me saying goodbye and leaving, he was just inconsolable (was OK till I actually left the room).

I'm going tomorrow and will stay with him and pop out of the room for five minute intervals and see how he goes with that.

He's 2.9 and usually such a happy little boy - he's been going to baby/toddler groups since he was eight weeks old, so it's not like he hasn't had experience of being around other children.

I am not interested in hearing how soft I am, or how I should just "leave him to get on with it", so if you're going to post in that vein, please don't. There's no point, because I won't be just leaving him - so don't waste MN's ink, please

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SherlockLGJ · 18/01/2007 23:58

I was serious about the choccy cakes.........

LGJ shuffles off, sad in the knowledge that dragging up a five year old is not relevant experience these days.

Original poster
hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:59

Ah, that's a good plan.

Not sure what DS1 hates though - DH has just suggested potty training, but I'm not sure I want to tell DS1 I'm off to potty train myself...

Maybe I could tell him I was off to eat cucumber.

OP posts:
Original poster
hunkermunker · 19/01/2007 00:00

Aw, sorry, LGJ

I'll see what preschool say about taking homemade cakes in for snacks. Good plan.

Although DS1 will probably not want to share them... "No, children, dat's DS1's muffin!"

OP posts:
whatkatydidntdo · 19/01/2007 00:01

Oh hunker its heart breaking isnt it. My DS used to scream and cling on so tight to me that I couldnt leave. I got to the door one day could hear him screaming "Dont Leave me Mummy" I turn around walked back in and he jumped over the shoulder of the lady holding him and straight into mine(like a baby monkey) I took him home and decided to leave it a few days, then I used to stay with him for a bit until he finally got used to it. He only started goin in the end when he was 4. The staff kept telling me I would have problems when he went to school but I can honestly say I have never had tears at school. He would still rather be at home with me but does into school happily.
I personally didnt see the point in all the upset.

Oh he never actually spoke one word to any adult in preschool until his last week when he said "yes" The staff were so excited they were jumping for joy! He was a real chatterbox at home.

My feelings are that they are little for such a short time I want it to be precious not memories of crying. I admit to being soft but hey ho I could be worse things.

SherlockLGJ · 19/01/2007 00:01

Tell him you are off to a course totally dedicated to...........SWMNBN....

You will not see him for dust....

Original poster
hunkermunker · 19/01/2007 00:08

Yes, I feel just the same - I don't want him to remember feeling alone and sad when he's so little. He seems big compared to DS2, but he's still so young. I'll rejig work and go with him for a few sessions, then a few more if he needs me to - you don't stop responding to their needs just because they're nearly three - and I know he's not being "manipulative" or acting - he was genuinely incredibly upset

He climbed onto my lap at bedtime for a cuddle and just sat there, stroking my arm as I rubbed his back - oh, I adore that boy!

OP posts:
Chandra · 19/01/2007 00:11

NappiesGalore, no regular kinder 20 years ago , my mother made the mistake of sending me in with my favourite bag (which contained a little doll looking through a window) on my first day of classes. To avoid distractions the teacher took it and put it on top of a wardrobe and forgot about it, I spent a full week asking for it, they never gave it back but took me to the toilets, outside, to the toilets again, outside, and so on until they spoke to my mother and said that I was disrupting the class too much, so they asked my mum not to bring me again until I was older and... I NEVER GOT MY BAG BACK!!!! nor even my mother remebered about it

Chandra · 19/01/2007 00:11

HA HA HA!!!! 20 yrs ago???? I wish!!!!

Original poster
hunkermunker · 19/01/2007 00:17

Aw, Chandra - it's little things like that that break my heart

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 19/01/2007 00:22

Hunker..........he is quiet and not quiet by equal measure.

He will be fine.

Trust me ..................

I am

eh eh eh a

wife

manager

administrator

Oh yes ................. thats the one, a Mummy...........

It will be fine my lovely.

I promise.

Chandra · 19/01/2007 00:29

Don't worry Hunker, out of still missing my bag, I have survived unscathed

AitchTwoOh · 19/01/2007 00:44

you've just scathed me though, chandra, with that tragic story...

JanH · 19/01/2007 00:53

hunker, DD1 started at playgroup when she was 2.9 - she didn't know anybody there but on day 1, when she was absorbed in something and seemed OK they told me to creep out (bad idea!) - she realised I had gone very soon afterwards and looked for me pretty much constantly until I came back about an hour later.

This was in January, she went on going until July. DD2 was born in April and DD1 never settled properly at this playgroup. In the Sept, aged 3.5, she started at nursery school, loved it, settled straight away and never looked back.

With hindsight, maybe I should have taken her out of playgroup because she wasn't ready. If DS1 doesn't seem to settle down at preschool after a few weeks, maybe you should think about that too? I think it must be hardest of all for first children - my others all adapted far quicker (and I never crept out on any of them ever again!)

Hugs for him and for you

Miaou · 19/01/2007 01:10

Aw, bless him, saying "oh dear" ... oh I can understand how it made you feel! Btw I think your "plan" sounds the most sensible way of dealing with the situation.

He is not a child who likes change, is he? That probably has a lot to do with it. Once going to playgroup becomes "normal" and to be expected then I'm sure you will find he will be quite happy to go.

But, as JanH says, don't be afraid to take him out and try again in a few months if you really don't get anywhere. I think it's one of those situations that you never know how your child is going to react until they are placed in it - you can't predict what's going to happen. Don't beat yourself up about it!

littlerach · 19/01/2007 07:26

Both o fmine were hard to settle, although dd2 only took 3 session. Dd1 took ages...she always had atoken cry when iI lefy here at nursery.
With dd2 the staff told her that I was just popping to the loo, or for a cup of tea. And I always gave her to the same memebr of staff, whom she adoes now.
In fact, now she cries when she doesn't get to go.
Persevere if you feel that he'll settle. but wait and take him in 3 months if not.

roisin · 19/01/2007 07:58

Hunker, I would set yourself a period of time that you are going to trial it for, and then re-assess rather than agonise every session.

DS1 started playgroup when he was 2.5 and hated it. He went two sessions a week. For me the two key important facts were he often didn't cry when I left him, but always got upset during the session, and was always crying when I picked him up Also the whole situation got worse not better over our trial period. Eventually after 4 weeks we pulled him alltogether - as Janh says he just wasn't ready for it.

He started again when he was 3.25, bounced in and was completely fine.

Now he's a confident, happy 9-year old, and I'm sure doesn't even remember that first playgroup experience. I'm sure I did the right thing to pull him out and give him 9 months to grow up a bit.

redshoes · 19/01/2007 14:12

FWIW, my ds and dd1 were both very difficult to leave at nursery/playgroup, but both settled immediately into their respective schools. I think for them they simply weren't old enough. (I still left them though! after months of hovering...) My younger 2 are much tougher - maybe used to getting less one-to-one attention?

3andnomore · 19/01/2007 14:38

Hunker, I really think your plan of staying with him tomorrow is a good plan....that way he can get used to all the new faces and the new environment with you by his side , which will reassure him and hopefully he will see just how much fun there is to be had
Good luck with that!
My ys was a bit of a mare at first...before he started the Nursery he never wanted to go home with me, when we dropped his big bro off, but when he actually started it was a differnet matter and after the first session, when it had clicked that I would not stay, we had some fuss the first few weeks, but I must admit I just walked out after initially trying to console him, and was reassured that within minutes he was fine and happy to play...so not quite the same. Now he totally loves it and in teh morning he just can't wait to get in, lol...

ishouldbeironing · 19/01/2007 14:49

When my DDTS first went to the local creche I remember sitting in the ball pool with them as they would not let me out of their sight
However after a few trips it did get better and now that they are 11 we are having discussions concerning them wanting to go off shopping into town on their own and Im not happy about that either!!
Theres just no pleasing some people

oliveoil · 19/01/2007 15:01

not read all these Hunker - I am trying to sneak 5 mins whilst my two actually play together and 5 mins is all I will get - BUT dd1 cried and cried when she went to playgroup and I knew that she would never settle if I stayed.

So I dropped her off and did a fake bright smile "see you later!!!!!" and left.

Horrid for about 2 weeks or so, then she sort of settled, took about 2 months for her to run in though.

Loves it now, although still v sensitive and cautious but lovely with it.

So I know you don't want to hear it, but I think you should leave him .

tortoiseSHELL · 19/01/2007 15:03

Hunker, my ds1 was of the school of 'cry until Mum leaves, then be fine', but I've seen some children at dd's playgroup who take a LONG time to settle, but they are getting better, and I've really seen improvements since the beginning of the year. Hope he settles soon! x

oliveoil · 19/01/2007 15:05

what I did was go on about Balamory which she loves, and say that the playgroup was the same (albeit without a camp copper) and this sort of made sense.

gotta go, fighting occuring in the vicinity

xx

Anchovy · 19/01/2007 15:36

I had a rough couple of weeks with both of mine and vividly remember sitting in the car outside crying myself. All in all for my DCs it was the right thing to do to let them get on with it, but I do know how hard it is.

The one bit if advice I would give if you do go and stay with him is to be deadly boring yourself. The school called me for DS on his first day as he had not really stopped crying . When I was there he was overwhelmed to see me. When I had calmed him down the lovely and very experienced teached suggested I just sat there quietly but was not very interesting. There were lots of fun things for him to do and it was quite clear that it wasn't going to be me that did them with him. Me being there gave him the confidence to go off with one of the helpers and the other children and have a go on the slide, which he then realised he enjoyed and went with the same children into the Wendy House. And then he was thirsty so really did want the juice and biscuit after all, etc.

I think if you let them start thinking that they can do all of the wonderful things on offer with mum, you will have an even harder job eventually getting them to settle.

Good luck!

evilsparklystepmom · 19/01/2007 15:42

how did it go today hunker? dd1 at one point used to wake up, say "is it pre-school today?" and then dissolve into tears crying "don't take me, don't leave me there!"
fortunately she would always be fine approximately 30 seconds after my departure but it is tough stuff and really rends the heart strings. your plan sounds very sensible. best of luck

StrawberrySnowflakes · 19/01/2007 15:43

we had traumatic time with dd when she was about 2 in private nursey two afternoons a week..she sobbed and was very uiet, wouldnt join in, yet as i perceviered(sp)(and sat crying outside in car), she picked up and by time she went to nursery she was so outgoing and didnt even flinch when i left..keep going, reassure them you will be ack, tell them youll be back in half and hour, they shouldnt realise what time it is? andbring small token gift for a big 'well done'(me and dd used to get fish and chips on fridays after nursery and sit in car scoffng them..she thought it was fun, i enjoyed myself too