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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

People with children who got very upset when left at preschool, come and talk to Hunker, please

74 replies

hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:36

DS1 cried for an hour today, then the preschool leader rang me. She's very nice, I can't fault the preschool at all - but DS1 was so upset He was saying "Oh, dear, want to go home, see Mummy and Daddy, oh, dear"

He wouldn't even have a biscuit, so he was definitely very upset The preschool were good with him - I watched through the window for a minute or so before I rang the bell, just to see how they were with him - he was holding one of the leaders hands, on the edge of tears. He'd been going up to all the doors to see if I was at any of them.

I have been talking to him about preschool, and he seemed quite excited to see it today - was saying "Oh, look, there's preschool, just round the corner, can you see it?" in the car. But when it came to me saying goodbye and leaving, he was just inconsolable (was OK till I actually left the room).

I'm going tomorrow and will stay with him and pop out of the room for five minute intervals and see how he goes with that.

He's 2.9 and usually such a happy little boy - he's been going to baby/toddler groups since he was eight weeks old, so it's not like he hasn't had experience of being around other children.

I am not interested in hearing how soft I am, or how I should just "leave him to get on with it", so if you're going to post in that vein, please don't. There's no point, because I won't be just leaving him - so don't waste MN's ink, please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aloha · 18/01/2007 23:39

I know how you feel Hunker. It's very, very hard. I think staying can certainly help. At my ds's nursery they encouraged that. He then went to preschool proper at four and that was easy! All children are different. Stay with him and give it a chance.

emkana · 18/01/2007 23:39

hello hunker
I had a very, very traumatic time with dd2. Am I allowed to say that I did end up just leaving her? But for the first few months (!) I did stay with her, yet it didn't make her better, but worse.

What I'm trying to say here is that it depends on the child what works. My initial advice would always be to stay though, just to try and stay in the background as much as poss.

Fwiw, dd2 now very happy and settled at preschool! Good luck!

colditz · 18/01/2007 23:39

If I were you, I would try to get him to adore one of the staff there, one who looks like a long term prospect. ds bounds into playschool because his teacher is there, and he loves her, and she is the prettiest, and he is going to mqarry her, and she is gorgeous, and he likes to cuddle her, etc etc etc

SherlockLGJ · 18/01/2007 23:39

OH FGS

You should have given him formula, and fruit shoots and sausage rolls...............then it would not be an issue.

Did you pierce his ears when he was too young to object???..... thought so.

Tortington · 18/01/2007 23:41

oh, that must be very upsetting. i think your taking the right tact actually. you seem to have things under control. it must be heartbreaking.

colditz · 18/01/2007 23:41

don't tell me you didn't get his ear pierced?!

How else do youn think the staff hold on to them>?

NappiesGalore · 18/01/2007 23:42

awwwww, hunk.

yep my ds1 was a bit nervous too. took him ages to settle... but he did in the end and was v poplular and happy so it all worked out!

there was another little boy started at the same time as him and i think his mum still goes in and stays all morning (only morning sessions) as he just wont be left - and thats been going on for months and months! - meaning, other kids can be more nervous than yours, not that yours will be a limpet on you till hes 25

SherlockLGJ · 18/01/2007 23:42

I would tentatively suggest that he is picking up on your concerns...........

Extra minders do not help. YKWIM

Would it help for F to make rice crispie cakes to take to nursery ??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/01/2007 23:43

I think staying for prolonged periods and popping out for a minute or two is a good idea. Say, sit for half an hour, then pop out for a minute or 5, then come back for another half hour. Then slowly change the balance of time spent.

What I would say is, if he is upset and you are going to go and you have said you are going - I think you should follow through with what you say - even if its only for a minute. Less confusing for him that way. I think.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:44

Emkana, I remember the time you had with your DD2 - of course you're allowed to say you just left her

Aloha, thank you - very heartened to hear that it got easier - I was envisaging having to sit in the corner while DS1 does his GCSE English lessons

Colditz, I'll give it a go - but he's quite scared of them all - scuttles off if they try to talk to him. He was telling me about the "ladies" today though, so maybe... And he did hold hands with one of them - hmm. Will give it a go - think staying will help me to get to know them. The lady in charge today thought he was very sweet - esp when he was saying "oh, dear" - he did sound sad!

LGJ You can run...

OP posts:

fortyplus · 18/01/2007 23:44

Poor you Could you stay to help for a few days? Then you could try to pay more attention to other children rather than him.
I wouldn't pop in and out, though - that will probably unsettle him even more. Maybe just leave him there for an hour and gradually extend the period?

Pinkchampagne · 18/01/2007 23:44

Oh bless him! It's heartbreaking, isn't it?
DS2 went through a stage of crying when I left him at nursery, and I went to work feeling all upset.
He got through it in no time & now I have no trouble leaving him at all (so long as I remember to wave at him through the window!)
I know how heartbreaking it feels at first, but hopefully he will soon settle. It's still all very new & unknown for him atm, but given time, he will be just fine, I bet you.

Chandra · 18/01/2007 23:44

Colditz suggestion is quite good, DS got to see one of his teachers as part of the family, he loves her to bits and certainly made the transition easier. Now... the embarrasing part about seeing the staff as a part of the family came a week later when I said "say bye bye" and he went through all the staff in the playgrounds -including the gardener- kissing them bye bye, one by one

Califrau · 18/01/2007 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalore · 18/01/2007 23:45

i think mine needed me to hang about a bit for the first few weeks. after that, i think me hanging about was holding hikm back. but of course, thats him. only my experience of that particular child.

Chandra · 18/01/2007 23:47

Califrau, I, was expelled from my first kindergarden because they didn't understand my constant babbling!

SherlockLGJ · 18/01/2007 23:47

ROFL at a child in a German Nursery being expelled.

NappiesGalore · 18/01/2007 23:48

they expelled you cause they couldnt understand you?? from kindergarten??

what was it, borstal kindy?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/01/2007 23:48

AND.... the time you are there with him, occasionally wander off (still staying close by) and pick a toy and start doing something with it, without calling him over or anything, turning slightly away from him. (To show him its okay to go off and do your own thing). If he comes over, of course just be normal with him.

Oh, and btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY DS2

melpomene · 18/01/2007 23:49

Does he have friends there? Would it help to arrange playdates so he can build on his friendships?

I think you're on the right track about building up the intervals when you leave him.

There is a girl at dd1's preschool who has been going there for over a year, but still can't be left. Her grandmother always stays, but just sits in the background and doesn't interact with her much.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:50

Thanks, all - I've been feeling all wobbly first-time-mum about this, but I honestly haven't said or done anything that would give that away to him.

I'll see how tomorrow goes - DS1 is usually pretty self-possessed and will play happily by himself at toddler groups as long as someone he knows is there to bob back to every now and then. So maybe once he's over his fear of the "ladies" at preschool, he'll be OK.

OP posts:

colditz · 18/01/2007 23:52

Once the ladies turn into, in his mind, 'someone he knows', he will bob back and forth to them, in my opinion.

AitchTwoOh · 18/01/2007 23:52

my friend's wee girl did this, and they used the colditz method. by which i mean encouraged her to develop a special relationship with one teacher. not, er, you know... the other colditz. feel for you, hunker, can't be fun. oh dear...

Original poster

hunkermunker · 18/01/2007 23:53

His cousin goes as well (he was saying "It's OK, DS1, Mummy be back soon" to him today, apparently, bless him!) - they started at the same time (last week). This was their third session today.

Thank you, VVV!

OP posts:

colditz · 18/01/2007 23:56

What I used to do with ds1 was say to him,

"You are going to playschool, to play with and then Mummy will go and do . Then Mummy will come and pick you up, and you will tell me all aabout what you have been doing, and when we get home you can draw me a picture of the ladies!"

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