I've no right to feel this bad

[firemansam]

I was just wondering if anyone had had a similar experience, and whether there was any light at the end of the tunnel.

2 1/2 weeks ago I was 31+4 pregnant and started bleeding on Easter Monday morning. I was rushed to hospital where they couldn't find a heartbeat. They tried another scanner thing and saw the heartbeat but she wasn't moving. They said I was having a placental abruption and that I needed an emergency cesarean immediately. So I was rushed to theatre, given a spinal block (wish they'd given me a general) and they took her out. I didn't see her as she went straight to intensive care, and I was puking really badly as a reaction to everything I think. I didn't stop puking for 24hours, and had a catheter for 48 as I had lost loads of blood and my kidneys had packed up. Anyway, that all got better over a few days in hospital, altho they kept me in for 6 days coz of blood pressure problems.

I saw my daughter from a wheelchair 24 hours later, and have been with her every day of course since then. Apart from a very dodgy start and being very small (2lbs 12oz) she's absolutely fine and is just starting to put on weight. She seems very content.

I was fine coping for 2 weeks. I was in survival mode. But now my husband has gone back to work I am literally unable to cope. I can't sleep, I can't be with my 5 year old, I am panicking constantly. I had really bad prenatal depression and was just getting back on track with the right medication when she was born. I'm still on the meds but I'm a mess. I just don't want to get out of bed, not that I can sleep. I'm paralysed by fear of when she comes home and i'm feeling like this and will be incapable of looking after her. As if she hasn't had a bad enough start as it is.

But she's fine, so I should't be feeling like this. I should be full of joy that she's ok, like my husband. I feel ungrateful and utterly guilty.

I don't suppose anyone has had the same experience, but if anyone can help me see any hope I would be really really grateful. I have an appointment to see the hospital counsellor on monday.

Sorry, I haven't been in a similar situation at all, but couldn't read and not post. Sounds like you're very depressed, which is perfectly understandable after everything you've been through and especially given that you've already had prenatal depression. Seeing the hospital counsellor sounds like a good step. Have you seen your GP at all - I definitely think it would be worth speaking to them to let them know how you're feeling, see if your medication can be altered at all and if there's anything else they can offer to support you. Try to be kind to yourself - you have no reason to feel guilty at all.

Oh firemansam . No wonder you are feeling awful. It's so hard when babies are premature, and you are home without them. My DD1 was born at 33 weeks in 2003.

Looking back, I think I must have been in shock when my DD1 was born because I look at pictures of me sitting in a (very warm) SCBU in my thickest winter jumper and still feeling cold. It is a very real shock when things don't go to plan, and I remember feeling that I had failed because I hadn't kept her in for long enough, which I think is a very big difference from a term birth with a healthy baby which, however difficult, is a feeling of success at the end of it.

Great news that you have an appointment on Monday - I wish I had talked to someone. Please don't feel guilty for feeling like this - it is very natural and understandable!

FWIW once DD1 had come home, things gradually got onto a more even keel, but we had a rocky first year because of her prematurity (emotionally I mean - physically she was fine). She is now a strapping 7 year old and I barely think about the fact that she was born early now.

You're in delayed shock I'd have thought - which is a perfectly acceptable state to be in. Your DH will find the shock easier to handle because he hasn't experienced any physical trauma as you did

I think seeing the counsellor is a very positive thing to do.

Talk about how you feel (on here, to a friend) and ask for as much help as you can from other. Lots of people tend to offer help in these situations and mostly we don't take them up on the offer because we think stuff like getting milk and bread so it's in the house isn't something someone else would do - but they will.

You have nothing to be guilty about, and you are not being ungrateful either - as you are aware that you should be happy she's OK you obviously are grateful she's OK but it's very hard to get those feelings out on top when there has been shock/trauma been suffered.

Wishing you the all best

actually you have very right to feel this bad - you have been poorly, your baby has been poorly, and you are less than 3 weeks from having been through a traumatic birth. hope the counselling is helpful. I have no personal experience of prem babies, but I imagine it must be quite normal to be in shock in this situation.

Thanks for your kind comments. I spoke to one of the other Mums today who has a baby who's blind and can only be fed through a tube and she's so upbeat I was so ashamed. All the nurses keep saying to me, what are you anxious/panicking about, she's giung ti be fine?, and no one really understands I don't think. One did say I was still in shock. I just can't see that I'll ever get better. I wish I could get a grip.

You have been through an absolutely horrific experience and even though your dd is doing well, it's still very hard being separated from your baby. Very hard. So I totally understand why you feel this way. Please don't beat yourself up.

Oh bloody hell love it'd be a miracle if you didnt feel horrific. You have been through a terrifying, traumatic, risky and unnatural experience without having time to prepare yourself for it, you would have to be super human not to suffer some ill effects. Feeling bad after having a premature or sick baby is normal, it does not mean you are ungrateful nor should you feel guilty !

I have PTSD as a result of the trauma I went though with when pregnant with my son. It is very common to suffer with PND or PTSD or Anxiety after having a special baby. Some people can cope, some people can't but pretend they can and some people fall to peices. I fell to peices. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's brilliant that you are getting counciling already, it will help i am sure.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling.

Congratulations on the birth of your Daughter

How are things with you now firemansam? You absolutely had evert right to feel the way you were/are feeling.

Is your little girl doing ok and putting on weight? Is she home?

Hello, I hope your DC is still doing well.

Our DD2 was 32 weeks and 2lbs at birth.

I coped well at the time but I did have PND after about a year (delayed with me) !

It is completely NORMAL and you are going thru an anxious time, despite your DC's progress and as time goes by things will get better.

Sending you a hug and if you want to chat let me know, DC2 is now 6 years old, she has some hearing loss but is bright as a button and a little miracle after all those apneoas, bradys and NEC, it's amazing how resiliant they can be and as another poster said you get to a point where you don't think of your child as delayed or so many weeks removed working out how they are 6/7/8 weeks behind other children !

They are just our kids !

Thanks so much everyone. So our daughter has been home now for 2.5 weeks and she is absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't ideal bringing her home, as my DH was at work and then the whole family descended. I coped well for the first 2 weeks, and then now I find myself collapsing again.

I'm worried about her being so little, she's putting on weight but still isn't even on the 0.4th centile, it's exhausting everyone coming up to you in the street saying 'isn't she tiny, how old is she' and having to tell the story all the time, she can't go for more than 3 hours without a feed so I haven't slept for weeks. I'm finding it hard that I'm not getting any of the support if I'd brought home a term baby - everyone says 'hard part's over' and that's it.

So I'm panicking again and freaking out coz I'm already up to the eyeballs on anti depressants and yet I can't get a grip. I made myself go to Brent Cross today and I'm making myself keep going, but I just want to run for the hills. The responsibility is overwhelming and I can't bear feeling like this. I don't have the excuse for this to be a legitimate feeling anymore - when she was in the unit people cut me some slack, but I feel I should be better by now.

There's nothing anyone can say, I've got myself in to such a state thinking 'I'll never get better' (I've had anxiety for a long time) that I can't even really think about the baby. And I hate myself for being so self obsessed (as you can see by the length of this post)!

Dear Firemansam, when I had my dd1 (at 27 weeks) I felt dreadful when I went home, full of guilt, totally exhausted, worried sick...etc etc... What did help me was a long chat with the Counsellor who was attached to the NNU that dd1 spent her 3 months with. Does your local NNU have a similar person?

I also felt a sense of panic because suddenly I was total in charge of dd1, when previously the clinical staff were in control. I think I was terrified I was somehow going to muck things up, and wasn't 'up to the job'. I was, and so are you

Do not be hard on yourself. You have had a very tough time.

TBH I still (9 years on) have a real wobble on the anniversary of dd1's birth, each and every year.

With very best wishes to you x

You have every right to feel this bad, for several reasons:

1 - the circumstances surrounding your DD's birth were extremely traumatic and you had no way to prepare for them, especially major abdominal surgery and the subsequent recovery

2 - her being in the NICU made it an ongoing situation

3 - hormones - need I say more?

4 - now DD is home and out of danger but she still needs intense one-on-one care

5 - you have your other DC to worry about

6 - people think you're fine (or should be) so for one, they're probably not around much to help and two, that puts added pressure on you because you obviously feel you should be fine

But post-traumatic stress disorder doesn't work that way, and that is what you have. People who've not experienced it do not understand. Only counsellors and anyone who has/ has had PTSD do.

I know worzsel's story (she posted above) and she knows mine (or I think she does)

Hi Firemansam

I've no experience of the trauma you've been through but was really touched by your posts. I agree with PheasantPlucker in that you really shouldn't be too hard on yourself - giving birth is traumatic enough (or certainly can be for those of us not lucky enough to sail through it ) even at full term plus, so try to give yourself a break.

You are obviously doing a great job as your baby is putting on weight! Babies are hard work in the early days anyway - after my c-section, it took my until about 18 weeks after before I started feeling like my old self (and I didn't have a 5yr old to look after as well). Hopefully the counsellor you saw has (and still is?) being a great help, and will continue to support you.

The hard part is only over when you says it is, but you can do this. Try to take it one day at a time and spend time with supportive people, rather than those that are less supportive shall we say

Sending big hugs
xx

Fireman Sam. I'm so sorry.

I went through early the exact kind of situation with my DS who was born in traumatic circumstances at 28 weeks. It is only now, 5 years on, that I have any sense of perspective about it and even now if I think about it I will cry copiously.

I know I was in shock now and I don't think the Neonatal staff ever really understood that. My DS was tiny and was in intensive care for weeks and weeks (I was too at first and was too weak and unwell to get to him, although I didn't even really want to see him, I'm ashamed to say).

I didn't bond with DS for months and felt very judged. They thought I had PND on the ward, but I honestly think now that it was more like Post Traumatic Stress. It had all been so completely out of control and sudden and nightmarish and I had just had to surrender to it all.

I too had to take my tiny boy home on my own, as DH was away with work. It was very lonely and scary. He was just under 4lbs and 2 and a half months old. That first night I didn't sleep at all. Think I just cried.

You have been through so much and, if you feel like I did then you will feel a real pressure to 'get on with it' and fake being perfect. You need to be looked after and allow yourself to feel what you feel without getting guilty about it. If I could go back 5 years that's what I'd tell myself. Go easy. Let other people take some of the load.

Everything will be ok and you will begin to appreciate how lucky you are. I would not beat yourself up about anything now, though. I remember people telling me that DS is ok, so it's a happy outcome, but I didn't feel like that - and then felt bad because I had a healthy, live baby and other people aren't so lucky. I also think it was harder after he was out of hospital. Everyone else breathed a sigh of relief that the nightmare was over. I just felt like it was beginning - because once the shock wore off I had to deal with what I'd been through. I think this may be where you are now.

I realise this is me just going on about me - and it may not be relevant or helpful, but I still feel the need to offload about it sometimes and you may find that helpful too.

How are you today?

Oh thanks so much you kind kind girls. Lovely kind thoughts.

I was referred to the emergency mental health team by the nurses on the unit - I can't really get my head round having got so bad. They come round to see me a few times a week. I didn't really need them until this weekend.

I can't believe the way I'm feeling is because of what happened to me - I just think I'm stuck in my normal depressive/anxiety loop. I can't even allow myself to grieve as I'm just stuck in a mental rut. My counselor says it's brought on by the stress. Anything I feel just turns into panic. I'm not sure I can feel anything now. And I hate myself for it - I wish I could be kind to myself!

And not being able to sleep just makes everything miles worse doesn't it.

Are you still awake? It's only 6:50 pm in my time zone.

No, you're NOT stuck in your normal loop. But what happened to you is probably so outside your normal experience that your brain can't process it.

I had counselling from a lovely, wonderful woman. She does One-Eye Integration therapy which is fabulous for post-trauma. One question she asked me was "can you believe this happened to you?" and I just completely came apart. To this very day, when I ask myself that question, I come over all weird. My brain is literally incapable of believing that this could happen to me. (And DS is fine, too, by the way. I am, mostly, still have some left-overs, though.)

There is a Birth Trauma Support Thread on MN. I don't know if you'd feel up to posting on it? I didn't -- always felt compelled to read everyone else's stories (it is a long thread) and got too shaken up by them so couldn't post.

If you don't, I know several of us who will be around to help you.

xxHC

Hi Happycopter

I have been awake all night. Don't really know what to do. Think I'm goign to call the psych unit and see if I can get some more specific drugs, altho God knows what I can take. We have a night nanny tonight which means I might be able to get some sleep.

I keep looking towards the future, and thinking this is how I'm going to be every day. And I can't face that future.

x

Take care of yourself x

Do please call the psych unit. There are specific medications for post-traumatic stress.

When you say you can't face that future, what specifically do you mean? I'm very worried about what you said there.

Please update soon!

What drugs are there for PTS?

I just mean that I'm exhausted and can't see myself getting better, altho everyone keeps telling me I will...

I think sleep is probably a priority right now. Can you get any sleep medication that can be taken with the drugs you are already on. You are going to be exhausted and anxious when sleep deprived quite apart from anything else you are coping with. Your brain is scrambled and needs some time to pricess things for you.

I could tell you that you'll get better, but it would be pointless if you don't feel that way.

Take the help you're offered and get as much rest as possible.

I'm thinking of you

Oh ok (relief) sorry your post was just so grim.

I was prescribed sertraline. Also, citalopram and its newer derivative are supposed to be good but apparently sertraline is better with a lower side effect profile. Some of the tricyclic anti-d's apparently also help but they all have more side effects.

When you're deep in the shit, it does feel like it will always be this way and my telling you that gradually it will get better isn't helpful. I'm also far away in North America so no immediate help to you but will see if I can contact worzsel, she is in Britain and may be able to point you in better directions.
xx

Firemansam, i could have written your post - placental abruption, no heartbeat, baby ok agaisnt the odds, guilt, inability to cope, everything.

It is hard to explain how you feel when everyone around you expects you to be EXTRA PERKY because near disaster has been averted. When, in truth, you can still feel disaster hovering over you and getting closer, not further away.

I just muddled through, but looking back I can see REALLY clearly I should have got some help / counselling. Please ask at the hospital. Hope it gets better.
xxx

Worzsel here, although I too am hiding under a name change.

This will only be a quicky, I have to leave for work in about 3 minutes but I had to say something.

YOU WILL GET BETTER

It probably wont be the drugs that make you better it will be the passing of time and talking.

I can give you my email if you want to talk it out to someone who has been though it, of you can come on to my Facebook if you like ? then you can have a look at what those tiny fragile see though scraps of nothing turn in to eventually, Its [email protected].

You will get better, I promise.

Sarah x