I'm sitting in Morrisons car park crying my eyes out

[allthesharks]

6 years ago today my daughter was born at 28 weeks. Today is her 6th birthday. She is here, she is remarkably well and I have so much to be thankful for. But her birthday brings it all back. This time 6 years ago she had been born over 2 hours ago. I hadn't seen her and I didn't know she was alive. 3 hours later she was transferred to a level 3 hospital. I wasn't able to be transferred. She was in hospital for 9 weeks. She had sepsis twice. But she was home before her due date and we had a much easier time than others and than we could have had. But none of that makes today any easier. I need to go into the shop and do some shopping but right now, getting out of this car feels like the most impossible task. Her Dad and I aren't together anymore, so the one person who I feel can really relate to what happened isn't there anymore. It makes it feel like I went through it on my own. I feel really alone.

Ahhhhh, no wonder you are having a little cry. What a huge amount of worry that must have been. I am so sorry you went through that. Have you had any counselling? Depending where you live, you could self refer to IAPT.

Hope you are able to enjoy your daughters birthday with her later.

You are allowed a cry let it out and get on with her/your day . Have you ever had any councilling to help you deal with this? I had a premmie 20 +years ago her biirthday is soon and it always takes me back.

for you and for your DD

Thanks both. I have had quite a few different types of counselling in the past 6 years. I've been seeing my current counsellor for over a year. I'm generally ok with what happened, I mean, I'm not but it doesn't usually affect me like this. It doesn't help that the weather is just like it was 6 years ago. The sun never seems to shine on this day.

Carry on with your counselling. Days like this (trigger days) are always going to be hard. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just remember she was ok and you are ok. Cry your tears then crack on

Is it just her birthday you feel emotional ? I think you are allowed to remember how terrible it all was having a baby so premature must have been terrifying.

Your daughter is here, awful circumstances but you need to focus on that.

I completely understand where you are at but with time it should fade, my DD was not disimilar - but was 31 plus 5 so better chance at survival and like you she was rushed off and I didn't see her for ages (over 24 hrs days as the lift was out and I had Csection and catheter and couldn't do the two flights of stairs etc, had no one to take me to her and they never thought to ask) DH was working in Yorkshire, I was in Wolverhampton and we lived in Warwick. I kept getting updates by asking but no one questioned why I was asking not going to see her etc. I also had a very very rough time of it. Eventually I got to see her but it felt like I was extra inconvenience to be honest and she wasn't even too poorly - bit of jaundice and that was it. I think it took 7 or 8 years before really I don't think about it everyday - just now when others talk about things, I focus on who she is now and the future. I do remember around that age (6) becoming very focused on her being an only child and what we had been through etc though

So be nice to yourself today as well, take a deep breath, focus on some great things about her or that you have planned for today or the future and have a big hug(())

I understand you. My eldest was a29 weeker. I used to feel the same. I also feel it when people say it was the best day of their life having their child. I can't say that. You will always feel a tad like this on this day. That's OK!

I am with you. My 26 weeker is 3 and doing great. But his third birthday really set me off. I thought long and hard about why I felt so weird and it was because there were so many other poorly kids and some who sadly didn’t make it. I felt like I had won the ‘premature baby lottery’ because my son was healthy but why? Why did I deserve it and those other mums did not? They were all great mums so why did their babies not do as well? I think acknowledging that we were lucky and there is no rational reason why, didn’t make me stop feeling strange but it helped.
The other thing that has helped and this is not for everyone is honesty with my son. He knows the story (in an age appropriate way) of his birth and early days. ‘I was in a box. I had milk through a tube in my nose.’ He is endlessly fascinated by it and re-telling it to him has removed some of the trauma and almost made me proud of ‘his story’ if that makes sense.

This takes me back reading this. The nothingness of the aftermath, the shock, the separation and the guilt that other people had it worse. Feelings of being robbed of those milestone memories.

Now five years later and finally GP is listening to me when I say that DS is not right, five years of waiting for him to catch up.

Anyway I digress into my own rant.

Big hugs

I am sorry you are so upset.. I think it is completely understandable that her birthdays bring back the fear and distress you felt during your daughter's early life. It must be very hard. I realise this may be impossible but could you speak to her dad today? I hope you are able to enjoy her birthday later.

Thank you so much everyone for making me feel less alone. I'm sorry that so many of you have had to go through this. I know it's not uncommon but unless you've been there you can't really relate.

DD does know that she was born too soon, that she had a long stay in hospital and that I was by her side every day (after the first one). She's seen photos and I've shown her her memory box. Her sister was born premature 2 1/2 years later and she visited her in SCBU so got to see a lot of what it was like. Her sister was born at 33 weeks and not spent 10 days in SCBU so she had a much easier journey, but even that wasn't how it was supposed to be and I still felt so robbed of what I wanted to have - a baby on post natal ward with me, not having to be buzzed in as a visitor to see her. And of course, it was a massive trigger going through it all again. I had PND with both and I was almost worse with DD2 as people understood less why I felt that way, whereas with DD1, I think it made sense because people knew what we had been through. I'm pregnant again now so that's bringing up a lot of fear.

I am back home now. I had a cry, got out of the car and bought the bits to make her cake for tonight. This will be her second birthday cake as she had one at her party on Saturday.

She woke up early and excited today and gently woke her sister up too so they could come in to my room to open her presents. She's gone off to school excitable, happy and wearing a big birthday badge. She really is the most lovely little girl. She's so kind, considerate, loving and she's doing fantastically at school (she loves going too). She is the most determined person I have ever known. She has no clue how remarkable she is. She's had to overcome a lot - she had ongoing breathing problems which now seem to be improving, and her Dad walking out on us hit her really hard - but she is so happy and I could not be prouder of her.

Her Dad did send me a message last night saying he hopes I'm ok. I replied to him this morning and thanked him for sending it. He replied but I don't feel I can speak to him further about it. We did go through it together, but he hasn't gone through the past three years with us and I don't feel he can relate to me anymore. I also don't want him to. I've spoken to my partner. He understands as best as he can but, as I said, unless you've been through it you can't really grasp the emotions. And the emotions are such an extreme mixture - gratitude and guilt, sadness and elation, shock and pride. There were and are too many emotions going on to pinpoint exactly which one you're feeling and why. All I think you can really do is let yourself feel them, cry in a super market car park and wait until you feel the next thing.

You had a terrible time but everything has turned out OK so I think you should try to count your blessings and think how lucky you are. Enjoy the rest of the day!

I know @chocatoo and I really do know how lucky I am, but it doesn't change the fact that it was a horrible, traumatic experience and knowing that the outcome was better than others and still feeling this way on occasion, brings with it a lot of guilt.

I know exactly how you feel.
My DD is 4.
I howled in Tesco before Christmas because they had cards for when a premature baby is born...actually sobbing in the aisle by myself.

Your post made me cry! It's a month until my DS's 8th birthday and he was born at 31 weeks, in hospital for 6 more weeks. Their birthdays are such a strange time because of course you are taken straight back to that day - like you say, the weather, little things that remind you of it. It doesn't matter how much 'easier' you had it than others - and frankly her start in life sounds terrifying to me - you're so scared for them at the time. We took our DS to the unit a few weeks ago to visit. It was the first time I had been back and I really didn't enjoy being there. Have a good cry and I hope you have a lovely day with her when she's back from school.

It's ok to feel this way and you don't need to count your blessings, because you already do. It feels dismissive when people say things like "she's ok now".
If I were you I would try to take time to grieve for the experience you didn't have and to feel sad about what did happen, but limit this to 10 minutes at the start and end of the day and try not to think about it the rest of the time.
Distract yourself when the thoughts creep in, if you can.

I understand. I found my dd2’s first few birthdays hard to deal with. I didn’t want to celebrate the day when we were both seriously ill in separate places. It is a horrible, traumatic experience and although as time has gone on (dd2 is nearly 9) I try not to dwell on it, it is always there. The smell of that alcoholic hand gel and I’m back on SCBU with the alarms sounding and the medics running over.

for you OP and a little sunshine for your day ☀️

So many of you "get it" and it's so unusual for me to not have to try to find the words to explain what I'm feeling, because words never seem to accurately capture the emotions. But from the various things you've all said, so much of it resonates, and I know that you just know the feelings. Of course I'm not glad that anyone else has been through similar, but I am relieved to hear others talking about it and knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not wrong in how I feel.

This won't cloud her day. I never let it. She had a lovely morning before school and she'll have a lovely afternoon and evening celebrating with family. She doesn't know anything of how I feel about her birthday, she just knows how proud I am of her and how much I love her.

@TiddyTid offering me some sunshine for my day has set me off again. I think pregnancy hormones might be playing a part here too!

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. Take care. You are not alone.

Not wrong at all. The first birthday hit me like a train and was so unexpected but I just felt this flood of emotion, having spend a year telling myself to be strong, positive and optimistic - I think it's completely natural. You sound like you are doing a great job. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with the cake

I've had to stop reading because it's making my eyes leak and I'm at my desk at work!

My 29 weeker is ten now. She has cerebral palsy as a result of her early birth and even now when she struggles with stuff the guilt hits me hard.

I know a few like @HuloBeraal, early micro preemies who have come through it unscathed and whilst I am overjoyed that your little miracle is doing brilliantly, I can't help but wonder why we didn't win that lottery. At 29 weeks her odds of long term issues were really low, but she got them anyway.

Every so often I will weep in the shower. Then I pull myself together and get on with it.

I honestly thought I was past it after ten years. Apparently not!

You are right though. We only know a tiny part of your story, but we know exactly everything you went through. We get it. We feel it. We know it.

Big hugs. Be so kind to yourself and hugs to your little ones, they are absolutely amazing.