Partner has changed since IVF pregnancy and I’m stuck….

[Heldo1]

I really need some help.

my partner (34) and I (34) have been together for 4 years, we live together, have a dog. I work full time in London with a 1 hour commute. He is self employed and business hasn’t been going great for him.

he provides mainly for us, such as paying rent, bills etc.

i suffer with PCOS and IBD and about two years ago suffered a miscarriage from a natural pregnancy at the start of our fertility journey at about 6 weeks. From then we decided we wanted children and would
do more investigations and look into fertility more.

for the last year, we have been going through IVF and last month found out I am pregnant through IVF. Since finding out, my partner has got cold feet and decided he is not ready, and has said that he categorically does not want this baby. He hasn’t been very supportive and his whole personality seems to have changed over the last month. There is an air of disrespect in how he has handled things such as going out with friends until all hours and not answering his phone. He has mentioned things like he is worried I will put on loads of weight and that he is annoyed at himself for not telling me before the transfer that he didn’t want it but he was doing it for me. He has mentioned that he would want me
to get rid of it but also wouldn’t force me into something like that as he can understand “it’s difficult for the woman”.

he has said now that he has no other choice than to be with me and said that if I wasn’t pregnant he no longer thinks we would be together if I wasn’t pregnant because of the way I reacted to him being out all night long when I wanted him to be home with me.

realistically, I can’t afford to be a single mother. My family are no where near me and so can’t rely on them for support as they live in a different country. I think if I have an abortion, I will never forgive him, and the relationship is already over, but I’m worried that if I go ahead, the relationship might still be over, I won’t have his support and I can’t afford to be a single mother.

I am nearly 8 weeks and so I feel like I’m running out of time and tears!

Please can someone give me an advice! 🥺

Is there a reason why you think you cant afford to be a single mother? Personally there is no way I’d have an abortion following a planned IVF journey. Your relationship is over whatever you choose to do.
can you go home to your home country? That would be my first choice. Second choice is to move somewhere cheaper start over and go it alone - lots of us single mums do it day in day out with no financial support so it can be done x

my career is in London and there isn’t much opportunity for that else where. To continue my career and stay living where I am, the childcare costs plus rent for a two bedroom property, plus any living costs etc is more than my salary.

I don’t want to have an abortion and I’ve made that very clear to him but I also don’t want to do this alone. It’s obviously not the plan that we had originally planned and I feel completely led on.

I could go home to my own country, I have considered this. My parents love about two hours away from a city in which i could continue my career. To work and live in that city is very similar to London cost wise but the salary wouldn’t be as much.

im just terrified

I'm so sorry your partner is such a shithead. I think lots of men probably like the idea of a family more than the stone cold reality, and I'm certain he will be back in a few months/years begging for forgiveness. But he has shown his true colours.

It sounds like you have your answer! Your home country plus career opportunity plus local village sounds like the right formula. If your parents could pitch in for childcare you might only need nursery a couple of days a week, allowing you to get by. Plus never underestimate the power of being around loved ones in such a vulnerable time.

You can do this

My mum seems to think that he’s just catastrophizing and thinks his life will be over but will come around in a few months.

He thinks we just have to stay together and “just get along” and said that if I wasn’t pregnant he doesn’t think we would be together anymore but no feels like he doesn’t have a choice, which just feels like another hurtful dig.

I am so torn on what to do because all I’ve wanted was our family and what we planned for for the past two years with our dog and I feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under me.

He has said that he is going to go to therapy but he’s not doing it for me and only doing it for himself.

Great that he’s going to go to therapy. It sounds as though he might be suffering from anxiety, and this is a huge change so your mum might be right - perhaps he will come round when the baby is here. However, the hurt he’s causing you won’t be forgotten, so I don’t know how likely it is for the relationship to survive. Don’t get rid of your wanted baby for him, you don’t deserve that much pain caused by him. Stay where you are if you want and try to make it work but in reality it’s unlikely you’ll be able to move past this even when he does come round, so I think your home country near your family is a perfect back up option, just wait until you feel ready to make the leap. Plenty of single parents do just fine, don’t be led by fear :)

Yeah like this is not the person I recognise that I’ve been in a relationship the past few years.i don’t recognise this person at all. And whilst I can agree that it will be incredibly hard to move on from it, I think it’s something that ultimately I will be able to compartmentalise IF he can change his current ways and be the partner he should be.

Thank you for the advice. ❤️

@Heldo1 i sent you some help / resources in the DMs

You don’t need a two bedroom property at first. You could just rent a studio initially and that would be enough for you and baby. For context, I used to live in a 2 bed flat with 3 kids for a bit and it was fine. No way I would be staying with this man.

No I absolutely agree that a two bedroom property is not a necessity but I’m trying to think of down the line when they will eventually need their own room.