Partner has changed since IVF pregnancy and I’m stuck….

[Heldo1]

I really need some help.

my partner (34) and I (34) have been together for 4 years, we live together, have a dog. I work full time in London with a 1 hour commute. He is self employed and business hasn’t been going great for him.

he provides mainly for us, such as paying rent, bills etc.

i suffer with PCOS and IBD and about two years ago suffered a miscarriage from a natural pregnancy at the start of our fertility journey at about 6 weeks. From then we decided we wanted children and would
do more investigations and look into fertility more.

for the last year, we have been going through IVF and last month found out I am pregnant through IVF. Since finding out, my partner has got cold feet and decided he is not ready, and has said that he categorically does not want this baby. He hasn’t been very supportive and his whole personality seems to have changed over the last month. There is an air of disrespect in how he has handled things such as going out with friends until all hours and not answering his phone. He has mentioned things like he is worried I will put on loads of weight and that he is annoyed at himself for not telling me before the transfer that he didn’t want it but he was doing it for me. He has mentioned that he would want me
to get rid of it but also wouldn’t force me into something like that as he can understand “it’s difficult for the woman”.

he has said now that he has no other choice than to be with me and said that if I wasn’t pregnant he no longer thinks we would be together if I wasn’t pregnant because of the way I reacted to him being out all night long when I wanted him to be home with me.

realistically, I can’t afford to be a single mother. My family are no where near me and so can’t rely on them for support as they live in a different country. I think if I have an abortion, I will never forgive him, and the relationship is already over, but I’m worried that if I go ahead, the relationship might still be over, I won’t have his support and I can’t afford to be a single mother.

I am nearly 8 weeks and so I feel like I’m running out of time and tears!

Please can someone give me an advice! 🥺

Is there a reason why you think you cant afford to be a single mother? Personally there is no way I’d have an abortion following a planned IVF journey. Your relationship is over whatever you choose to do.
can you go home to your home country? That would be my first choice. Second choice is to move somewhere cheaper start over and go it alone - lots of us single mums do it day in day out with no financial support so it can be done x

my career is in London and there isn’t much opportunity for that else where. To continue my career and stay living where I am, the childcare costs plus rent for a two bedroom property, plus any living costs etc is more than my salary.

I don’t want to have an abortion and I’ve made that very clear to him but I also don’t want to do this alone. It’s obviously not the plan that we had originally planned and I feel completely led on.

I could go home to my own country, I have considered this. My parents love about two hours away from a city in which i could continue my career. To work and live in that city is very similar to London cost wise but the salary wouldn’t be as much.

im just terrified

I'm so sorry your partner is such a shithead. I think lots of men probably like the idea of a family more than the stone cold reality, and I'm certain he will be back in a few months/years begging for forgiveness. But he has shown his true colours.

It sounds like you have your answer! Your home country plus career opportunity plus local village sounds like the right formula. If your parents could pitch in for childcare you might only need nursery a couple of days a week, allowing you to get by. Plus never underestimate the power of being around loved ones in such a vulnerable time.

You can do this

My mum seems to think that he’s just catastrophizing and thinks his life will be over but will come around in a few months.

He thinks we just have to stay together and “just get along” and said that if I wasn’t pregnant he doesn’t think we would be together anymore but no feels like he doesn’t have a choice, which just feels like another hurtful dig.

I am so torn on what to do because all I’ve wanted was our family and what we planned for for the past two years with our dog and I feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under me.

He has said that he is going to go to therapy but he’s not doing it for me and only doing it for himself.

Great that he’s going to go to therapy. It sounds as though he might be suffering from anxiety, and this is a huge change so your mum might be right - perhaps he will come round when the baby is here. However, the hurt he’s causing you won’t be forgotten, so I don’t know how likely it is for the relationship to survive. Don’t get rid of your wanted baby for him, you don’t deserve that much pain caused by him. Stay where you are if you want and try to make it work but in reality it’s unlikely you’ll be able to move past this even when he does come round, so I think your home country near your family is a perfect back up option, just wait until you feel ready to make the leap. Plenty of single parents do just fine, don’t be led by fear :)

Yeah like this is not the person I recognise that I’ve been in a relationship the past few years.i don’t recognise this person at all. And whilst I can agree that it will be incredibly hard to move on from it, I think it’s something that ultimately I will be able to compartmentalise IF he can change his current ways and be the partner he should be.

Thank you for the advice. ❤️

@Heldo1 i sent you some help / resources in the DMs

You don’t need a two bedroom property at first. You could just rent a studio initially and that would be enough for you and baby. For context, I used to live in a 2 bed flat with 3 kids for a bit and it was fine. No way I would be staying with this man.

No I absolutely agree that a two bedroom property is not a necessity but I’m trying to think of down the line when they will eventually need their own room.

I hope things have gotten easier in the sense that you are adjusting to this huge change in circumstances since you first posted. I just wanted to add that your partner is a selfish arsehole and had all the time in the world to tell you he’d changed his mind. If the IVF wasn’t successful how much more of your time would he have wasted?

I would consider the relationship over and be planning to move to a smaller place if you plan to stay working in London. It sounds like a really difficult situation to navigate but it is doable if you make some changes. It is raw right now but you can meet a more suitable and honest man in the future when your baby is a little older if that is what you would like.

Since writing, about two weeks ago, I've gone to my aunt's house about two hours away and asked him for some no contact so we could both take the time to figure out what we actually want.

And, as was probably expected, he's backpedalled. He's expressed remorse and regret for his actions and has asked me to come home. But honestly, I'm not really buying it. The person who reacted the way he did is still within him, and I don't trust that side of him won't show up again in another situation further down the line.

If anything, the fact that I'd only been gone a week and he's already changed his mind makes me feel even worse. It makes me question why he couldn't have handled his doubts differently in the first place, rather than putting me through absolute hell only to reverse his position as soon as I left.

My anxiously attached self is trying really hard to stay strong and not run straight back unless there's genuine accountability, real change, and sustained remorse. But I'm finding it difficult. I miss my life. I miss my things. I miss my home. 😥

For anyone that commented or was interested…

Ive sadly miscarried at 11 weeks and although. My partner has said that he will support me through it and he is also devastated, it doesn’t look as though he wants to be together once this is through. 😥❤️‍🩹 A sad time for me… please keep me in your thoughts x

Hi I am just after coming on mumsnet after taking a break, and am seeing your posts now. You must be devastated and so stressed out at recent events. I’m very sorry for your loss, and hope you have family or a friend to talk to and support you at this time?

Give yourself time and space to grieve, not only the pregnancy but the life you expected was in front of you. You have done nothing wrong here only trust and believe the man you were in a relationship with and you don’t deserve any of this. Reach out to a helpline or on here if you wish, but most importantly be kind to yourself 🌺 hugs.

I’m so very sorry Heldo. You really have been through a lot with the IVF, your P turning into a massive arsehole and now the spilt

Are you able to arrange some counselling for yourself?

Hi gang, he did in fact break up with me on the same night that I came home from the hospital after my D&C. He said that he didn’t want this life anymore and that too much has happened to come back from and he wasn’t willing to try.

I am now having to move out our home with our dog and try to rebuild my life alone. He took the only opportunity I had to do ivf thorough the NHS and he simply is just going on as if nothing has changed.

thankfully I have a therapist already so I’m hoping she can help me through the grief of what’s happening but I feel absolutely traumatised, sad and have been suffering from intense anxiety and panic attacks since it happened. I have spoken to my GP who has given me some medication to take short term to help but I just feel like I’m nearly 35 and th life and future we had planned is now so out of reach and unlikely that I may have children.

im just not sure if I will even trust anything a man says again. 🫩😟🥺😥

I’m so, so sorry. I’m glad you have a therapist who can try and help you navigate all of this, it must be incredibly hard

I’m so sorry @Heldo1 what an utter arsehole. Be kind to yourself absolutely none of this is your fault. Sometimes we don’t see who a person really is until it’s too late x

Wow I have never read anything so treacherous. Just stopping here to say I'm sorry, I hope once you've recovered, your next chapter is filled with love and laughter. What an absolute arsehole, you dodged a bullet. There's a life beyond him, never look back xxx

I have now packed up my things and moving out on Saturday with my little doggy and he has started to say things like, I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life but I don’t truly believe he understands the damage that has he has caused. He has asked questions like, do you think we should pay to store the embryos in case we ever make our way back to each other, and I would be lying if said I hadn’t thought about that in the middle of all this.

he has made very permanent decisions based on temporary fear of commitment, and said unforgivable things. I sadly need to move on now and go our separate ways and trying to trust that this is the universe giving me divine redirection. I am utterly heartbroken… but life must go on. ❤️ thank you all for your support xx

There really is no stopping the sheer depths of his behaviour is there?

Yes, he probably has made a massive mistake but normal adult men think these things through long before it got to the stage where he was panicking.

I hope the move goes well for you on Saturday and for your DDog. Have you got the support of some family or friends?

Absolutely no awareness at all. Meanwhile still going though the grief of the miscarriage.

I do have amazing support from my friends and family. I couldn’t do without them and whilst I do have moments of weakness where I just wish it could all go back to how it was before, it simply can’t but the battle between my head and heart is EXHAUSTING.

I won’t give in to being upset around him so I think he believes that deep down we will be friends and that he can see the dog…delusional. But the final goodbye is looming over me and I’m just dreading it so much 😥

When it comes to saying goodbye, just remember how he behaved when he found out you were pregnant - staying out late and all the things he said. Remember him at his worst.

Wishing you luck for your future.

When it comes to Saturday, do you think a DFriend or relative could be with you? Your STBXP sounds a little unstable and things will probably go smoother for you if you have someone with you.

Sorry I have only just come back to you OP. The way he has treated you to then 180, just no way. You don't bully someone into termination then break up with them when they get home. Now saying things like storing the embryos to you. What planet is this guy on! Time to run, please don't look back. I know it's sad but the only thing worse than leaving would be staying 😅

yes my parents are flying back over and a friend is coming to help me move my things thanks god so I don’t think I will see him on the Saturday but probably be in each others company Friday evening. I know the relationship is that I’m going regardless. My stuff is gone but I feel like it will just be emotional. 😥😭