Unexpected 4th pregnancy.. Regret abortion

[KatieBee25]

Hi everyone, it's been 2 months since I had an abortion with my 4th pregnancy. It was completely unplanned and accidental. I already have 3 children who are 8,6 and nearly 2.
I decided to terminate the pregnancy at 5 and a half weeks, as I felt like we couldn't cope with another baby. I am a stay at home mum, with no family support apart from my husband. My 8 year old is possible ASD/ADHD and demands a lot of attention. Our house is a 4 bed so each of the children have their own room, if we had kept the pregnancy it would have been really hard.
However since having the abortion I feel so much guilt and regret and long to be pregnant. I feel like all the reasons I didn't want the baby we could have overcome and it would have been hard but at least I'd have a baby, now I just have this pain and guilt.
i have been considering having another baby to take away the pain, all i think about is being pregnant again!!!

Just after some advice on what to do.. will the guilt and grief get easier? Or should I just have another baby to help with moving on from the abortion?
I felt I rushed into the decision to abort because I didn't want the pregnancy to progress any further as I would have found it even harder to terminate the pregnancy.

please be kind as I've already judged myself enough as is!

thanks xxx

I have nothing to say except sending you love and hugs. I've never had an abortion. It's something I fear - getting accidentally pregnant. It could happen to anyone. I have no idea how I would feel if I did. Or what I would do.

Yes, please be kind to yourself.

I would say probably don't rush off to get pregnant again, just to alleviate your feelings of guilt. As therapists say, (I think, I'm not one), you have to just sit with the discomfort of the feeling, horrible as it is. And then when the feelings have subsided (in a year? 6 months?) then you can decide what to do.

Thank you. My husband thinks I should go to some counselling but I really don't want to speak to anyone. This abortion has really knocked me and I've gone from a confident outgoing person to feeling really anxious and wanting to shut myself away. But you are right I think I need to sit with the feelings and grieve the pregnancy I terminated. It really wasn't an easy decision xx

I Also feel that if I did get pregnant then something bad would happen to me or to that baby and it would be karma for what I did and I would deserve it. Honestly having an abortion has ruined me and I wish everyday I could go back and change what I decided x

don't do that to yourself. Women have abortions everyday. It's better to have an abortion, than have a child you regret. You felt it was the right thing at the time. I repeat. You felt it was the right thing at the time. It still might be the right thing for you.

But if this experience does make you want a 4th child, and you feel it will be right for you, then you will be making the decision with a clear head. I know people who had an abortion, and the experience made them want another kid. And I know people who were happy with their decision.

Just give it time. And a therapist might not be a bad idea. Maybe anonymously? Or there are possibly abortion support groups online.

Hi, I wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone- i too have recently (almost 5 weeks ago) had a termination that i deeply regret. There really are no words to express the level of pain and grief that i’m feeling now. For me, it was my 3rd pregnancy and it was somewhat planned. We had tried since early 2025 and then decided to take a break from ttc toward end of the year due to some unfortunate circumstances. So when i found out i was pregnant shortly after we had decided to pause on ttc, i was overwhelmed with the worst anxiety and depression. I just wanted it to end and wanted my old life back. After nearly 2 weeks of back and forth, we decided it was best to terminate. Now looking back i feel like my mind was so clouded during those weeks that i was pregnant and i probably was experiencing some kind of perinatal anxiety. I became so negative towards the pregnancy and our circumstances and literally wished it would just go away and the only way i could get out of the situation was to terminate. Even on the day of the procedure, i felt so emotional and my gut was telling me not to go through with it but my head was so full of fear and anxiety that i just went ahead with it. I never thought to think how it would affect me afterwards, and since then i have spiraled into the worst depression ever- the aftermath has been horrendous and worse than the anxiety i was experiencing during the pregnancy. I can’t believe what i have done, had to be signed off work and have been on antidepressants and sleeping meds since. Although i am doing better than i was in the immediate aftermath, i am still so devastated and heartbroken i dont know what to do with myself. Its so so hard living with this regret. I feel like the only thing that would help would be to have another baby, though i also know i need time to process the grief, but at the same time i just cant let it go. Message me if you need someone to talk to, its such an isolating feeling and i cant talk to anyone in RL as no one understands.

Hi, so sorry I only now saw your reply. I can't believe I've found someone in the same sort of situation and who can relate to what I'm going through. I have sent you a message. Xxx

Also a 3rd pregnancy here. Planned. I’ve now been told that I would have been diagnosed with psychosis. I got to 5.5 weeks. Hormones are the worst!

This was 2 years ago and I now have my 3rd. Best decision we ever made but not a cure for how the whole experience made me feel. I wouldn’t change her for the world and I need to be thankful for what happened in many ways as really it was part of her journey. In reality I may never have survived that pregnancy in the state I was in.

Society makes us feel like this though and we shouldn’t have to. You not put your living real live children first and that’s what makes a good Mum. It’s also really common, way more so than were led to believe but of course like all taboo subjects it isn’t spoken about. You’ve not done anything wrong.

My advice would be to take time to grieve and adjust before jumping into another pregnancy. I understand though as for me it had to happen. We always wanted that 3rd child we just had to work out how to make pregnancy survivable for me

Thank you for your reply 🩷 I'm glad you got your 3rd baby and you are right if yoy had carried on the other pregnancy you wouldnt have the child you have now. I've decided I'm going to give it a year and if I still feel the same then maybe I will have another baby. Right now I'm in the thick of grieving etc so need to have a clear head to decide what to do

I am going through something very similar right now. I have 3 children and found out I was pregnant, we’d actually been trying for a 4th but put it on hold a few months ago. I found out I was pregnant the day before my birthday and was suffering with the worst morning sickness I’ve ever experienced. I saw another poster saying she now feels her judgment was clouded by hormones/ anxiety and I feel the exact same way. I deeply regret it. It’s hard remembering how I was feeling at the time but clearly I felt there was no other choice.

Hope you're okay 🩷 I am finding it hard but some days are easier and now I am thinking maybe not having a fourth was the right choice but it's very up and down. I still count how many weeks I would be and I found out on the weekend that my friend is pregnant with her 3rd and we would be due a week of each other. So that's like a direct comparison so that's been really tough x

Hi. I felt so deeply alone until I came across this thread. I decided to terminate my 4th pregnancy, very much like you I have a 9 yr old who’s extremely active requiring lots of attention, and then two under 2. This would have been my third under 2 as the second wouldn’t have turned 2 before the baby was born. Under extreme pressure, like you thinking about spacing issues, pregnancy anxiety and fear (hormones), thinking about my existing children, husband not working, a whole household living off 1 mat leave income, zero family support as his family is abroad and my family isn’t on speaking terms, it was just too much to bare. I feel bad for women honestly, because when we get pregnant it’s us with the highest decision making responsibility. Whether you are a mom with existing children needing you or a young woman with your whole life ahead of you having to put your life on hold. Unplanned and expected pregnancies are so extremely tough, and either choice you make you have to sacrifice something, with abortion I felt like I was sacrificing my heart and soul with my unborn baby. How beautiful it was to be pregnant again with a life growing inside of me, even just for a month and half , I wish I could go back and talk to my baby some more, rub my belly some more. I wish I had my baby and can look at them and say thank God I kept you, look how beautiful you are my baby. The abortion industry doesn’t even acknowledge this part, that we are mothers who loved our babies but out of fear and pressure we decide to terminate. And they are right there helping us with our bad decisions instead of talking with us in depth about resources and help, before we make sure a life changing decision. They don’t acknowledge the deep depression and suicidal thoughts, thoughts about leaving my baby behind in some clinic as medical waste, it really haunts me. Our exiting children are robbed of a happy mother who has to show up lifeless. It’s so incredibly sad all around. I imagine my baby waiting for me on my death bed, when the time comes. I will raise my baby for all of my eternal days and be happy to do so in the afterlife, I just couldn’t get the strength to do it in this lifetime. Our babies know and see our grief, because all in all we are mothers and we loved our babies. We are now postpartum mothers because everything you experience after giving birth with the hormonal crash we are experiencing as well, but to add injury, our babies are no longer with us, so it’s way harder on us. I hope we all find peace and accept that just because we can’t do something right now doesn’t make us a bad person. God and our babies understand and forgive, repent and pray. I’m so sorry to all the women who had to make this incredibly difficult decision, it’s so painful and I cry for your pain. May we help and teach our daughters and sons & their significant other different so if they are ever caught off guard in this situation we can help them the way no one was able to help us at the time. I will try my best to ensure my children don’t ever terminate a pregnancy and will help them with all of their babies if they need the help, just to save a life, one that I couldn’t save or had no help saving.

Just to say, sending you love and strength. I just came on here to search for someone in a similar situation. I to, have three children, they are 7,6 and 3. I found out I was pregnant with my 4th this time last year. I terminated at 6 weeks. I was under allot of pressure from my husband, we were also moving house, money was tight. when I told him he immediately said we couldn’t keep it. He was so unhappy about it and made it clear he didn’t want another. I was really to keep it, I was taking my prenatal vitamins, I was ready for another, I couldn’t even comprehend making that choice. But the pain and worry of doing it without his support got the better of me and I went ahead. Right up until taking the pill I was sure I wouldnt do it.
It was the worst mistake of my life, not a day has gone past I haven’t cried about it. I get flashbacks of it, It’s destroyed my love for my husband and like you, all I think about is getting pregnant again. But I know that won’t fix it. I guess I just want to undo the painful experience and be a mum again. I just don’t know if that’s really selfish of me? I also don’t want to make life harder for the kids I already have.
My husband said the other day he thought I would be over it by now, another dagger to my heart…I’ve looked into getting therapy for myself this week, just so I can talk to someone who understands.
How are you coping with it? I hope you’re ok. Try not to punish yourself to much, you did what you thought was the right thing at that moment and that’s all you could have done x

Mylittlelamb- Every word you just said, was exactly how I feel. You described this devastating feeling perfectly. It’s heartbreaking, the grief you feel after. I wish I had been stronger. I wish you all the healing.

@Lucylou92 Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I too am sending you lots of love and healing! And just to say, are all husbands the same or something? lol it seems like their threshold is much different than a woman’s. We can take on the world and take care of endless amount of children because the love and motherly instincts are there, everything seems possible, but with men they are looking at it in a more practical way, finances, accommodating the whole family to a new member, absolutely no emotions involved etc etc. I would have never in my life thought I would terminate a pregnancy, especially while I’m married, maybe I can see the possibility when I was younger if I accidentally got pregnant with a fling, yes, but never would this situation pop into my head. You would think a married woman has more support from her significant other, but my husband simply said if he has to change one more diaper he will go crazy, that our family really need a break (with two recent pregnancies back to back). For a second time we were really careless and this time the pressure really got to us especially since we welcomed two babies back to back. I honestly was really ready for another baby, because why not?! We already have all the baby stuff ready to go, both baby girl and boy clothing, it would just be an extension of more parenting, but I really did need my husbands support, something I wasn’t able to get since his mental health was declining with the two young babies. And don’t get me wrong, he helps sooo much with these two, but he straight up told me he couldn’t handle one more. The majority of my decision was not having his support, and in ways I understand, once someone reaches their limit, they are honest with themselves and he expressed that another baby would be his breaking point. He said it would set us back a third year. If it was up to me, my mental and physical strength would be able to handle it, my babies and children give me motivation to face life. The most heartbreaking part of this termination decision is looking at my children and now feeling a void, like where is my forth child, and knowing they are not here due to my own doing is a hard pill to swallow. Kinda playing on my mental health now. I’m imagining a 4th child playing with my existing children and such. What’s really helped with my healing is keeping my babies memory alive, telling people that they existed but we had to make the difficult decision to terminate. My husband on the other hand pretends like it never happened, he was able to get over it the same day I went into the clinic, well because to him it was justified and that’s it, no point of thinking about the baby or what ifs. In his mind we made the right decision. I still don’t think I made the right decision but what’s helping me is living in the “now”. Yesterday contains too much regret, tomorrow in uncertain, maybe even contains more sorrow and heartbreak, but today is all I got and I’m trying to make it as peaceful as I possibly can. Enjoying my children and trying to give them a good life. This experience is almost also giving me fuel/motivation to change my life for the better. To fix our finances, work on getting a bigger car, maybe changing career paths, starting a new hobby of writing books or short stories, you never know, just appreciate life more because I can see now life is not promised, we gotta make the most of it especially if the sacrifice was great. And also do better so the same time doesn’t happen again. I just don’t want my daughter ever to go into that room and it starts with prevention. I can’t even believe there is someone else in this world that had to experience this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The industry is so numb to the fact that we are humans with emotions and feeling and yes some of us still do have a conscience and feel pain, shame, and grief. It’s a medical service and they whisk you away within 5 minutes to the recovery room. It’s unbelievable. Therapy is very much needed because I don’t know what the hell they are saying that “abortion is the easy way out”, umm when I had my babies even the recent two back to back I was filled with happiness, laughter, and a genuine love for life, nothing was weighing me down. Yes children are difficult to take care of, but at night when everyone is sleeping and I know I did everything for my children it feel so good, conscience free and all. But with abortion, a part of my feels broken, trapped, unfulfilled no matter how amazing of a mother I am to my three existing children. It takes serious strength to end a life, because mentally the turmoil that comes after it’s not for the weak. It is no different than a man going to war and killing in battle, and I don’t care what anyone says! An embryo/fetus is a life! It’s dependent on the host but a life nonetheless. That’s why some people coming back from war have PTSD and why mothers who terminated have PTSD trauma and some suicidal thoughts, ending life really plays on your mental and spiritual health. And for whatever reason we all make decisions in that very moment that we have to accept and live with, it’s our testimonies that make us who we are. Just on another note, I think getting pregnant again without address why the termination happened in the first place would put us back in the same situation again. Something needs to be fixed (finances mostly?) or maybe we should just replace the husband and get a more supportive husband? lol Have you talked to your husband about how you’re feeling, wanting another child. I sincerely think you should express yourself to your husband fully no matter what his opinions are. You matter in all of this too! My husband has to hear me ramble about this all the time, because my feelings and needs matter too. That if one day we want to welcome a child, let’s fix the environment so we are both happy to welcome another child. I hope your husband listen and attends to your needs as well, because that’s important. It’s not a one way street to make him comfortable and you have to live in misery with your needs put on the side. If you are yearning for another child, please let him know. Marriage is about compromise and making each other happy. You had to sacrifice but he will have to sacrifice to make you happy as well. A piece of us will always remember and have it on our hearts and minds, that our child is no longer with us, but we must move forward according to the best that we can. I wish you nothing but peace and strength as well.

Thank you for your reply, as you can tell I was having an emotional time of it last night. I always find myself thinking about it once the kids have gone to bed.
I connect with everything you’re saying, it’s exactly how I feel. I’m really angry at not just myself and my husband, but that bpas just didn’t give me enough support I guess. I didn’t go to a clinic, I phoned, they said are you sure about terminating and then sent me pills through the post.
I said I was sure while crying, I wasn’t in a good state of mind while talking to them, that was clear. And then I just had to get on with it on my own.
It was awful, just being in our house reminds me of it now, I had to terminate the first few days we had moved in, surrounded by boxes.
I to, picture what my child would have been like, how my oldest daughter would have doted on a baby, them playing. I shouldn’t go there but it’s hard not to.
I have spoken to my husband, but he’s said so many hurtful things since that I just can’t go there anymore. He said right after I did it that he didn’t hold a gun to my head (that hurt), he’s said that he doesn’t want anymore when I’ve said about wanting another.
The last time we spoke about it I was so upset, waves of guilt and grief just hit me sometimes out of nowhere and I get myself in a state. He asked what was wrong, then said he thought I would be over it by now, that he still thinks I’m mad for thinking it would have been a good idea to keep it. That he knows other women that have had an abortion and been fine after (even his mum apparently).
I said it’s not that easy, allot of women struggle with it. He then said, what the women you follow on Instagram? It’s not normal to keep getting upset about it and did I want a divorce because he can’t keep dealing with me being unhappy every few weeks. He also insists it was a joint decision to terminate, even though he knows it was very much only him that didn’t want it.
I don’t really know how to move on from this when the person that is supposed to love and support me has caused me so much heartache. Although I sort of just think from my general experience of men that this is just what they’re like. Better the devil I know at this point. But the resentment and hate I feel toward him will never go away, I know that.
it’s hard coming up to the anniversary, I know that’s going to be tough x

@Lucylou92 its totally okay if you are feeling emotional… whenever.. last night, today, or tomorrow. That is a perfectly normal response to grief. It’s warranted. You are a grieving mother and on top of that you are having a hard time connecting with your husband. You are allowed to be unhappy every couple weeks, that’s grief! He’s numb to the experience but you are the one carrying the weight of the decision, even though you had absolutely no other choice without his support (you live in the same household and he would be your number 1 support system with a new baby in the home) I understand your sorrow because everything you said about your husband, is identical to how my husband is acting as well (some men are universally all selfish!) I honestly agree with everything you said and I am very empathetic to your situation. I also want to say you are extremely brave for taking the pills and I’m sorry you had to get on with it on your own. Really wish you had support during that time. How was your experience with the pills? Did you experience major side effects, were they effective on the first try? Also, did your husband check up on you while you were passing the pregnancy? Was he concerned at all? Did any other family/friends offer support during that time? It’s so important for you to open up and talk about it, don’t bottle it up inside. Your feelings and moods are very important in all of this and you should be supported. What you said about your older daughter playing with what would be your new baby and your new house reminding you of your baby. Allow yourself to grieve, what you are feeling is so real. Let yourself “go there” but don’t get stuck there. It’s healthy to feel pain, acknowledge it for what it is but please please remember you were pregnant and emotions were running high internally. Whenever I lay in my bed at night I remember what I was wearing to sleep the night before the abortion and how the hormones were hitting big time. I could feel the bloating and the fullness of the baby inside of me. I touched my belly and was talking to my baby. Only for the next night to sit with an emptiness and the hormones slowly dying off without a baby to support, my baby was gone, it was sooo horribly sad. Grieving may take years, maybe even your whole lifetime and that’s OK, it just means that you are a mother who CARES and LOVES. So true with what you said, better the devil I know, because in talking with many woman about their experience with termination it seems like all husbands betray their wife in the same way, saying “I didn’t hold a gun to your head”, but hello, them saying that they will not support your decision to bring this baby into the world and literally saying don’t do it, is the same thing! Add pregnancy hormones to the mix and you get the result of a pregnant woman being backed into a corner (aka gun to the head). I read a post where only one lady said she kept her 4th pregnancy because BOTH her and her husband were crying at the thought of terminating their baby, even though they faced the same financial circumstances. In a perfect world, we would all have that husband who cries with us and makes us feel safe and shares our sentiments to keep the pregnancy. But reality is, not every man is that secure and most men are very afraid. That fear drives them to be one sided and cold. I too look at my husband and think I deserve so much more, someone who listens to my pain instead of walking away when the convo gets uncomfortable. I told my husband the other day how manipulative he is, fills my mind with negativity and pessimism, then when he drives me to make certain decisions, it’s all on me why I’m feeling the way I am (because I went ahead and did it and he didn’t) But buddy needs a serious reality check because, he caused this, his words caused this. It’s really the ultimate betrayal. I don’t even know if marriage can survive this, when someone lets you down so bad. This is why people consider divorce, because your spouse is not the reflection that you want to see. I want someone by my side who has the same value system as me and once the values or future goals don’t align, it’s like why the hell are we even together? Sometimes I feel like my husband is destroying my life, contributing to my unhappiness, rather than lifting my soul and supporting my decisions that would ultimately make me more mentally healthy. I too think, I should have left him, kept my child, struggled maybe but at least I would be happy knowing I gave life to all my kids, and then maybe one day met a man who is worthy and supports my values and goals. Again, I’m so sorry that another mom is experiencing the same tragedy that I’m going through as well. Let just make this our first and last termination, know that we are not our mistakes, and make better decisions going forward.

@Lucylou92 one more thing, when you told your husband that a lot of women suffer with their decision and grief. And he made a comment about Instagram. If he only knew! Some women literally go suicidal from the grief of losing their baby. And the regret eats them alive. Not everyone is like his mom. There are women who form a connection with their baby and are NOT 100% sure on terminating (women who ultimately suffer after) and there are women who are 100% sure about their decision and make peace with their decision right after. If he was to only go on Instagram, YouTube, these forums etc he would see A LOT of women in pain from what they had to do, it’s an incredibly difficult decision because the baby is inside of us and not inside of men. We have to experience the emotional and physical pain. I would love to let him know that I exist (real life person) who is suffering greatly as well. That his wife’s (your) emotions are perfectly VALID. He should watch some videos on YouTube on EX Abortionist talk about abortions and how they also suffer from regret, pain, and grief years later. These are professionals, totally practical people, who eventually scrambled to the grief. One day grief may hit your husband and I sure do hope he apologizes to you!

Hello @MylittleLamb sorry, I’ve just seen your reply, it’s been a busy few weeks! It’s nice to hear your kind words and know that there’s someone else out there that gets it. Even though I’m so sorry you’re going through it too.
yes, the pills were effective for me the first time, though the bleeding didn’t start for a long time, I phoned the helpline and they told me to insert the extra two pills you’re given. The pain was horrendous, worse than I was expecting and it went on for hours, I wasn’t expecting it to feel like full labour pains so early on. All I could do was lean over the bed and rock because I couldn’t stand. My husband did come back at that point, but I don’t think he knew what to do and had to leave again, so just said to message him if it got worse. The pain stopped eventually and the next day I just started unpacking boxes like nothing bad happened, I think it was shock or denial? I passed it the next day, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
I bled for 5 months after, it didn’t stop, the doctor said that was normal sometimes but no one told me that beforehand. I think the grief hit about 5 days after, when I realised it really was gone. But no real side effects now I don’t think, not physically.

I’m sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through, I’ve felt the exact same way you’re explaining. That I should have left him and kept it. Is your husband like this about other things too? Are you in a position to leave if you wanted to? It get it’s hard.

I had my consultation with a termination therapist this week, she was so nice and validated my feelings. It was hard to talk about it, but I think it will get worse reliving it all before it gets better. She’s recommended a course of 12 sessions for me to start with and then reassess. I’m not sure where in the world you are, I’m in the uk, but if you wanted me to private message you the details I can? It’s a charity, so they’re free. it sounds like you could really benefit from talking to someone too?
She said it’s best not to make any big decisions about leaving a husband, having more kids etc while you feel like this. And that the aim of the therapy is, not to get rid of the pain or memories all together, but to help to make the memory less intense and not all consuming, so that you can move forward. I’ve decided to go ahead with the sessions because I haven’t got anything to loose. it was nice for someone to tell me that this is normal and I’m not being dramatic or crazy with how sad i’m feeling.

I’m trying to make a conscious effort to forgive my husband, which is hard. I think to a certain extent, he’s so defensive over it because he has seen the pain it’s caused me and feels guilty. We haven’t spoken about it since and I’m not going to tell him about the counciling, that’s going to be for me only. But, should I feel very emotional again, I am going to say to him, this is normal, this is harder for me because I was carrying it. He has to accept that even though he thinks it was the right choice. I am allowed to feel grief over it. If he doesn’t like that he can go elsewhere. I’m going to stop expecting him to understand and support me in this, because it won’t happen, I think thats part of the problem, I wait for something that won’t come and I need to focus on healing myself. He’s not going to help me.
I’m going to take some flowers to my grandparents grave on the anniversary in a few weeks, I just feel like I need to mark it somehow. Hope you’re doing ok x

Ladies thank you both for sharing your stories.
i am the original poster and nearly 4 months on from terminating my fourth pregnancy I am still heartbroken and in regret.
my best friend has found out she is 6/7 weeks pregnant with her 4th baby. That she is keeping. It's so painful and brings up all the feelings. Today I actually did a pregnancy test even though I'm on the pill as I felt a bit sicky, it was of course negative but it's made me think about coming off the pill and trying to fall pregnant again?
it's like I'm obsessed with being pregnant it's all I think about, even though my youngest is coming up 2 so still a baby. I still feel desperate for another and to right the mistake I made in terminating. It's so hard!!!

I am having the same feelings as you, 3 months on and all I ever think about is having another baby. Its so hard and so confusing. I really hate that all of this happened and wish so badly that I could turn back time and made a different decision. I am truly heartbroken about it, and feel lik I will be forever. I recently went back to work and then learned that a co-worker is pregnant and i can relate to your feelings its like why couldn’t I have kept my baby 💔

thanks for your reply lovely. It doesn't help that I think my husband thinks we made the right decision and won't even discuss having another baby.
i also worry that if we did have another baby and something was wrong with the baby or they were 'difficult' I would blame myself and compare them to the one I should have kept.
It almost feels like everyone is pregnant around me and I wish I would have made a different decision. Carrying around this sadness is so hard. I'm trying to be the best mum I can be for my other three children but I don't think I'll ever be fully happy again x

Ladies can I ask anyone reading this post, what your opinions are of me trying for a fourth baby?
im so conflicted and daily I change my mind. I'm 31, nearly 32 and I feel like if I do have another one now is the time to do it. I regret my abortion and feel the only thing that will take that sadness away is to have another baby as then in my mind I wouldn't have had that baby if I'd not had the abortion if that makes sense?
the timing of the 4th baby scared me, the gap that would have been being so close between 3&4 and me wanting to enjoy my youngest toddlerhood. But now I'm thinking of trying the end of the year so my youngest will be 3 and a half plus when the fourth was born and my older two would be nearly 10 / nearly 8? Am I mad?? It's the only thing giving me a glimmer of hope to think I could try for another baby at the end of this year.
or am I being selfish to my other 3 children and this will impact time/ energy/ money I have for them?

thanks (just want honest / kind opinions) xxx

@Lucylou92 you are honestly so kind. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with the pills and therapy/counselling. The pills are an option here where I live up to 9-12 weeks, but I was so scared to take them (as I’ve read there are complications due to retained fetal tissue and sepsis), so thought I would get the surgical suction option, that way I know there is a lesser chance of a repeat procedure. I’m also so glad to hear that it is all better for you physically now, bleeding for five months sounds exhausting. You are one strong lady for hanging in there. Exactly one month after my abortion, on March 10th, I had my very first period. As soon as I saw the blood I felt the loss even harder. I pretty much broke down crying everyday, really missing my baby and being pregnant. The regret hit me very hard. The surprising thing about it, my husband was really there for me and even said for the very first time that he regretted the abortion as well. He said if he had known that I would not be able to handle the abortion mentally, he wouldn’t have let me go through with it. For us it was mainly a financial issue and slightly a timing issue due to the fact that we have 2 under 2 (we needed a little break). We both agreed that if the pregnancy happened after our third turned 1 we would have been in a better position to keep the baby. Your therapist/counsellor is correct in saying that major life decisions should not be made in though times like these because you need time to evaluate everything and then make the right choices. Let the dust settle and see if anything changes. I wish I had taken some more time to think the abortion through at the time and truly believe that I wouldn’t have done it. But when someone is in survival mode, it’s so hard to make sound decisions. It’s so hard to accept that I had an abortion because I didn’t think life would get this stressful to the point where I thought terminating a pregnancy would ever be an option. I also told my mother for the first time what I had done and her response was interesting, she said “ I know you are a fighter and always fight for what’s right. You always think of solutions, so if you feel like you didn’t see a way out then you really had no other option”. There was more pressure at the time and very little resources, the path forward with another pregnancy would have been more difficult as it would be my third year in a row being pregnant. Mentally I thought this fourth pregnancy would have destroyed the whole family. But at the time same, maybe it just looked difficult at the time. Now being clear minded everything seems possible. I wish the pregnancy hormones didn’t make me feel like the world was ending at the time. I reached out to a couple counsellors in my area, I live in Canada by the way, and yes, abortion is a worldwide issue lol My counselling starts in a a couple of weeks. I need help dealing with the grief. I don’t feel shame around the abortion as I am freely talking about it all the time, but the grief of losing my baby hits me everyday. Some weird thoughts come to mind, such as leaving my baby behind in a lab as medical waste really gets to me. I love my children so much and I can’t believe I would do this to one of my babies. Life is especially hard these days and would be harder without my husband as he helps me a lot with the children. I’m in no position to leave him in the short term, just have to see where things go from here. I don’t think I’ll ever be pregnant again as I am missing my baby so much. If I get pregnant again, I’m scared I’ll be thinking about this baby (someone who I’ll never have again). I’m 38, think this was my last opportunity to have another baby before hanging in the towel and just raising my babies, saving for future goals etc. I recently started cleaning out the baby stuff and collected a whole bunch of baby clothes (both boy and girl), thought to myself that it would have been perfect to have another baby this year since I have both clothing options available to me, also the bassinet, crib, and baby bouncers/swings. When I dropped off some of the stuff at the donation store, I broke down and cried for hours in the car. Most heartbreaking thing ever. Grief is such a powerful emotion that consumes life. I hope with the counselling I can work through the emotions with someone.

I also wanted to say that your husband should validate your feelings even though to him the abortion was 100% the best decision. I tell my husband the same thing. My husband absolutely thinks we made the best decision for our family (but not for my mental health which he is regretting). Men stick with their decisions and don’t romanticize events like this. And it’s mainly because they don’t carry the pregnancy. A lot of men don’t even care about the baby when the woman is pregnant, only start to develop feelings once the baby is born. Goes back to the whole they are not emotional individuals and process emotions differently than women do. Not to make excuses for them, but accepting them for who they are.

I hope you are doing well since your last messages and got the opportunity to drop off the flowers for your grandparents. It’s a good way to keep your baby’s memory alive. I just know our babies feel the love from us even though they are not here with us. It matters that we care and hold a place for them in our hearts.

@KatieBee25 you are not mad at all. Wanting to be pregnant is a beautiful feeling, and carrying a baby is so special (minus the first/second trimester morning sickness lol) I have never felt a greater love and peace than when I was carrying my baby inside of me. It’s almost addicting to be pregnant because someone inside of you gets to be by your side all day. The baby kicking and turning inside is so precious. I don’t blame you at all for wanting to be pregnant again, it’s a perfectly natural and normal feeling, especially if you love babies and children.

I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the worry if something goes wrong with the next pregnancy, blaming oneself and comparing it to the pregnancy that I should have kept. I’m so shocked that another mom thinks about this as well, I thought my intrusive thoughts were getting to me. Also, it does seem like everyone is pregnant this year. Even finding out that Rihanna (pop star/singer) is pregnant again hurts me so bad because I was pregnant along with her the last two pregnancies. She made a post asking the public if she should be pregnant again this year (2026) for a third time in a row and decided to go with it. Meanwhile I chickened out of my pregnancy and now have to watch her carry out hers. So heartbreaking. I wish I was pregnant as well.

by the way, you are still young and have many more years to consider pregnancy. I’m 38, and had two pregnancies back to back (2024,2025). Honestly it’s not as hard as people think it is. Yes, it’s a little extra work but very manageable. A double stroller does the trick. Also before you know it, they are all grown up. The hard part doesn’t last long at all, and once they are 4/5 yrs old they get to play with each other.
this would have been my fourth child but third pregnancy in a row as I also have a 8 yr old. The older ones help a lot (I send him to get the diapers or anything else I need him to fetch) the little ones 15 months and 5 months love each other soooo much. They are best friends, my second is very protective over his baby sister and has such a strong bond with her. The closer in age they are the stronger the bond since they grow up with each other.

would your husband tolerate another pregnancy? I find that my husband is so sick and tired of babies, changing diapers, making bottles etc it’s like he just wants to come out of the baby stage and never look back

Thank you for your kind reply. The only thing that worries me is before I had my accidental pregnancy I thought I was completely done with babies and was happy with three. So I'm wondering is this urge to have another just a response to the regret I feel about having an abortion.

you're right in saying that i do have time for more kids in the future and maybe that's the most sensible thing to do, wait and see, if these feelings pass or not and decide in the future.

My husband was supportive with me having an abortion, but to him it was always my choice and he didn't push me either way. I know deep down that he was happy to have the abortion though as another baby would have been hard and have set us back. But he left it up to me. Which I now resent a bit as I wish he would have said are you sure you worn regret it? But I know it's not his fault. He has said if another baby is what I need to help me move on and feel happy again then he will have another baby, although he doesn't want me to rush into a decision. He's quite laid back and just wants me to decide really.

in terms of your situation I can understand completely the choice you made with your little ones being so young but still it's the hardest thing to go through xxx