Emotions post termination

[CJones11]

I am going yo need a termination and am obviously devastated to be in this situation but I know its the best option for our family right now.

I haven't phone to make the appointment yet but I'm just wondering what I should expect?

Also, anyone who has had an abortion but felt awful about having to do it, how were you afterwards?

I’m so sorry you’re in this boat. You have to do whatever is the best thing for you right now and just remind yourself that you are making the best decision you see fit. Sending hugs.

Hey @CJones11 What a brave post - you sound like you’ve considered this really sensibly. I’m going to be honest I’ve had a horrible time emotionally afterwards. There have been some things that have contributed to this though such as long held ocd which hasn’t let me process it as well as I maybe should have. I don’t believe that I would have had the emotional impact I have without my ocd. That said I absolutely know it was the right choice for me and my family and a truly am grateful that we had that healthcare available to us. It will never have not been the right decision.

My reasons were maternal health, legitimate and necessary like any other reason whatsoever is legitimate a necessary. However, the one person who spoke to me irl about their experience beforehand basically lied about how it never ever crossed their mind etc. It turned out this wasn’t true for them and I wish they’d just told me that because yes I clearly needed the termination but I should still have been afforded all the information possible.

Hopefull this is helpful.

Thank you so much. It's a very lonely place to be, so it's nice to have the thoughtful comment ❤️

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel really silly saying that I know I will grieve this pregnancy and what might have been. I know that I would love the child if I decided to proceed, but I am more than aware that the pressure another would put on our family could be detrimental. We are already pulled in so many directions , space and finances would become an issue, and time would be even more divided.

I feel like I want to commemorate this pregnancy in some way because I do care deeply about it, which us such a hyperbole in itself. I'm finding this a lonely place to be because many of my friends are TCC and I don't think telling them would be appropriate. Family members are anti abortion and wouldn't understand even though they do nothing to support our existing family.

It's a bizarre feeling isn't it. I want someone who has felt the same to just say its OK to be sad about it, abortion doesn't mean you do not care 🥺

How long ago was yours? Do you mind sharing what happens I terms of an appointment?

@CJones11 absolutely happy to share.

I’ll give you the backdrop of my experience as I don’t think it’s remotely relevant to your situation but I think it’s relevant to highlight differences in how I reacted etc. Mine was also a 3rd but for me it was a planned pregnancy. I’m normally a very sane level headed person so when the progesterone surge put me into psychosis it was totally unexpected - especially with it not happening in prior pregnancies. I was convinced I’d ruined my children’s lives and ended up acutely suicidal. I feel the need to reiterate that I’m normally very sane. Unfortunately during this I also got next to no help from our healthcare providers. So I guess unlike you, when I was pregnant this thing felt like a parasite. It was afterwards when sanity and hormone steadiness returned that I was distraught at what I’d lost. I only tell you all that because it’s distinctly different from you where you are almost more aware of the decision you’re making so I can imagine the outlook is different, no less or more potentially difficult but different.

For me at the end of the day my kids needed me alive and continuing a pregnancy in that state wasn’t what either them, me or the potential fetus needed. I only got to 5.5 weeks before they had to stop it. Both me and my existing children were what was important

I also want to say that I’ve now had a 3rd child after a lot of help but again, very different situation as it is something we always wanted.

This all happened almost 2 years ago. I had an initial appointment where I spoke to the doctor. Later I was given 1 tablet at a later appointment and then was given the 2nd medication marginally which was uncomfortable but painless. Mine was done in the hospital which I think was better for me as I didn’t need to go through it at home. Lots of cramps, upset stomach and clots. There was nothing to be seen on scans yet for me so nothing else. I really don’t think personally that the physical side is the hard bit but it is good to be prepared.

Immediately afterwards I had relief from the hormone drop off but as soon as my next cycle came round I was devastated realising what I’d lost. The mental state I was in hadn’t allowed me to see what I was losing prior to
that so for me this was the first I had any acknowledgement of that which was shocking as I didn’t have access to that knowledge at the time.

I don’t think you should feel silly recognising that there will/may be grief. I think you’re a million times better off realising that. In my situation I didn’t have that ability unfortunately. It was still life saving treatment for me and my family and I would be in a much worse place if that decision hadn’t been taken. Much as it might pain me to say that. I don’t regret it but I do regret that I was in that situation and that’s totally reasonable to acknowledge that - nobody wants to be in a position where they need an abortion. I have had some guilt however I believe that is somewhat misplaced.

I care deeply about what happend and that is ok to do that. Only you can know what’s right for you. You matter and are important. I would strongly suggest speaking to someone or whoever you can in real life if you can. I felt I had very few people to speak to too and I know it’s so hard when it’s still taboo to some. I wish I’d been more open though as I was very alone with it all and
my husband’s processing of the situation was very different to mine. A lot of the providers offer some counselling before hand to help talk you through everything etc.and make sure that you’re doing what is right for you.

That’s quite a lot but hopefully helpful.

I dont mean to hijack the thread but I am in a really similar situation right now. Planned third pregnancy but my mental health crashed and I could only see negatives and thought I wouldn't cope and also thought it would ruin my children's lives. My husband really wanted to keep the baby and is now barely speaking to me, it has only been a week but I just wondered how your relationship was afterwards. I know I did such a cruel thing to him and I know he is really hurting. I felt relief immediately afterwards but now I'm starting to process what has happened. Yet I feel I have no right to be sad or still be thinking about a third baby as my husband and mum were telling me to keep the pregnancy but I chose to end it anyway. I was 6.5 weeks

Hey @Plantlady10 I'm so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so scary how powerful both our minds and hormones are isn’t it. I don’t think you’ve done something awful to your husband - I think you’ve acted out of terror and done what was right at the time. You were the one carrying the pregnancy. Honestly I hear this so much more with a 3rd - I think it’s almost such a bigger thing because you’re who family is there who could be impacted by whatever situation you decide.

In my situation my husband was so taken aback by how extreme my beliefs were that he was totally taken on board by them and almost reinforced them. He knew that the termination was the right thing to keep me alive. To be honest, I always wanted a 3rd more than him and for him the door was shut after that happened. It took what felt like a long time for him to realise how much we still needed that.

you’re so early though and not every situation is the same. Do you still believe the things you thought about the pregnancy?

you have every right to be sad! It was still a loss whatever your reasons were. Nobody takes that decision lightly.

@Poster57 thank you, in a way it is reassuring to hear your story as there seems to be very little information/experiences online of people ending a planned pregnancy and I feel like I've done such a horrible thing, basically 'changing my mind' and also like ive ruined my chances of a third baby. I know the first thing I need to focus on now is healing our relationship.

I feel very conflicted, I feel some of my reasons/worries were valid but my reaction was extreme. I felt so anxious and depressed I couldn't function as a parent. Many reasons I had now don't seem important e.g house size, money. We could manage those things. I think my main 'vaid' worry was about dividing my time between children and managing to be a present parent to all of them, how have you found that now you have a third? My children are currently 18 months and nearly 4 and I felt overwhelmed with the idea of a newborn, a toddler and supporting my eldest who would be just be starting school. Perhaps a bigger age gap will be better, but perhaps I've blown my chance of ever having a third. My head is constantly flipping between thinking it was the right thing to do, and then thinking I've messed everything up and it all would have been okay.

I think sometimes it’s not that the 3rd child was 100% wrong but sometimes the timing can be completely wrong. I tend to think intuition plays a part too - our biology is hard wired and sometimes it tells us stuff we can’t understand. Who knows what it could have meant but I feel like there’s often stuff we just don’t know. My hcg levels were extremely high which both explains my mood but makes me wonder if there was a reason for that.

I also had an 18 month old and a 3.5 year old at the time. I didn’t realised until looking back just how young they really were. It was too much.

My 3rd slots in like a dream but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard sometimes. Sometimes meeting everyone needs is difficult. Not that they aren’t met, more so that it’s a pressure on me. I would say that she’s the soul that is absolutely meant to be here and she’s here exactly when she should be here etc. a smaller gap wouldn’t have worked the same for our family.

Of course. I haven’t had the experience but my best friend did, and I know that it took her a long time to come to terms with , even though she still maintains it was most certainly the right choice for her given the circumstances. She felt a lot of guilt and sadness about it but ultimately doesn’t regret it. You’re still allowed to be sad, it’s a very very hard position to be in and you’re absolutely allowed to grieve this loss. I don’t think anyone makes this choice lightly and if you feel it’s the best choice for you then you have to trust that. It will be ok in the end, whatever you decide. Mind yourself and reach out if you need support. X

Thank you so much for this. It's really helped to hear your perspective and to know that in the moment and long term, the termination was the best option for you, but that doesn't remove the sadness from the situation. I am so sorry you experienced this, though. Truly believe no one makes these decisions lightly.

@CJones11, how long has it been since you found out you were pregnant? I hope you've given yourself time to think this over from all angles. Sometimes the shock and panic of an unexpected pregnancy is enough to cloud all thinking, but once that fog lifts a little, you see things in a different light. I just hope you'll give yourself the gift of time, since many regret immediately after taking the first pill. I don't want you to end up like that. Take good care of yourself, dear.

Thank you for being so considerate. It has been a week now. I still haven't made an appointment but I'm going to have to soon because the longer I leave it the less likely I will go through with it.

I'm having moments of thinking 'I can do this'. Then reality hits. This is my 4th pregnancy. My last babies were twins and born a year ago so still young. I'd be jumping to 5. I truly believe if the twins were older there would be no question and I would make it work. But I feel like every reason I have to keep this pregnancy is selfish and for me. Whereas terminating seems to be in the best interests of the other children. Its a hard place to be.

Update. After many calls to different places this week, I have an appointment for a termination. Sadly, the earliest they could do is the 7th of January. I feel like this is such a huge weight on my shoulders, and I'm struggling to feel festive for our family with feelings of guilt already creeping in.

I imagine I'll be around 8 weeks at the time of the appointment. Can anyone talk me through what happens so I can mentally prepare. This is crippling me.

@CJones11 this really struck me as the traumatic pregnancy I went through was also over the Christmas period. I feel like it’s such a difficult time and I don’t think it’s fair that a lot of services aren’t functioning as they should & on top of that life just isn’t happening normally. Was there a mention of you accessing counselling? It should like it would be useful for you.

You know the appointment is in place & in some ways it’s good that you have time for the mayhem of Christmas to settle a little, be able to know you’re thoughts aren’t impacted by how stressful this time of year is etc. More time to make sure you’re making the best decision you can with what you know now. This will help you in the long run.

If this is the right decision for you then you’re doing it because you’re looking out for your family. Is it guilt towards your current children you’re feeling? It takes a strong person to make the decisions to put them first - it’s selfless in a lot of ways. Thinking of you ❤️

This has made me cry.

Yes, I absolutely adore being a mother, and our 4 children are wonderful. But twins were a shock, and they wouldn't even be 2 if we kept this pregnancy. Our almost 3 year old has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. If circumstances were different, there wouldn't be a decision to be made. But I'm conscious that their needs should be prioritised right now.

I was naive in assuming accessing a medical termination would be rather straightforward. The people I have spoken to on the phone so far have been quite abrupt and couldn't give me much information. I've got to wait for a phone call from someone about my situation and to take further details which could be anytime from now until the appointment.

It would have been easier to manage mentally if it happened in 2025, and I could enter the new year with a fresh mindset. I often wonder if delayed appointments are a way of decreasing the number of women who suffer a termination. For me, aborting an embryo is different from a fetus, and being around 8 weeks will take its toll on me. The logical decision is clashing with my personal morality and the longer this goes on the heavier the grief will become 😭

I’m like you in that being a mother is everything to me. I actually believe that it contributed to the really extreme mental state I got in to ironically as my protective instincts were so strong that the pregnancy seemed such a real and massive threat to my existing children.

it sounds like you’ve had quite the time of it. You must worry a lot about your 3 year old & a 3rd pregnancy turning out to be twins must have been a shock. It is so so difficult deciding what’s best to do and I really don’t think this side of choice and termination is talked about or discussed. So many people fiercely fighting one way or the other are missing the point that it’s about the women at the centre of it who haven’t asked to be there, nobody wants to be in this position. The taboo around the entire subject makes accessing support and making decisions with a level clear mind incredibly difficult.

I found the whole system horrendous. I know I’ve said it already but I would strongly suggest trying to get at least one counselling session as the support isn’t in place as it should be hand in hand with the services. They’ve got the experience to sit and talk it all through with you (or should have) and if nothing else you’ll know afterwards that you’ve fully spoken it through and made the decision either way with all the support and information you should have available to you. My outcome would always have been the same but if I’d been supported properly I believe that the aftermath would have been a lot better for me.

Hi @CJones11 I had an abortion around 6 years ago. It was an unplanned pregnancy and my partner at the time was not supportive, I couldn't manage a third child on my own.

At the time I was very upset, even though the pregnancy was unplanned I wanted to keep it. After the abortion I felt relief to get back to work and my 'planned' life but also guilt. To be honest the sadness of the abortion has never left me, but I still understand why it was the best option at the time. I have two children who are secondary age now and they are doing well, work is ok and life is fairly settled. I'll always carry sadness for the abortion but I can see how my life would have been much harder without it (and probably my childrens). In an ideal world I'd have kept the pregnancy though. Sorry for the ramble!

This is so accurate and makes me feel seen and heard. I feel like once it's over, I'll feel OK. It's the limbo of the wait that is driving me insane. Moments of thinking I can't do it and I should keep the pregnancy. I know a person never truly regrets having a child, but I also don't think I'll regret going through with a termination afterwards because I'll consider it necessary for my existing babies. Either way, this is a traumatic place to be.

This is such an honest response. I don't think the sadness of the situation can ever be forgotten. Even when you feel the decision was in the best interests of your family. It's so tough, isn't it. I think is our twins were older and we had family around us, we would be in such a different situation. It does make me resentful of myself for getting pregnant and also resentful of my life that makes this decision necessary. I feel let down by the system for having to wait what feels like an eternity. The way abortion is discussed makes if seem like they are easy to get hold of and straight forward, but that is not my experience.
I feel silly because I think they'll scan me and I would like to see the screen. For closure and hopefully to feel something other than confusion, even if it is extreme guilt. Its not so much about punishing myself but wanted to fully understand what I'm going through to process it. My twins turn 1 tomorrow and I feel incredibly sad that they are growing but also blessed. This shadow is lurking over me right now.

Hi @CJones11 how are you today? You are right there is a lot of sadness. I think also that it is hard because it is a fairly taboo subject in real life - quite a proportion of women have had terminations, but you can't discuss it openly due to sadness or judgement.

I agree with your point that it can be done in the interests of your family - a counsellor told me it could be seen as a 'loving act' due to protecting existing family/children where you couldn't cope with more.

I would have loved to have the unplanned pregnancy come at a different stage in my life - I'd have kept it then. But sadly the timing didn't allow for it and I would have struggled massively for a long time, without the termination. Everyone's situation is different though - so please make whatever decision is best for you ❤

@SilverTonsel what a beautiful therapist you have and this helped me thank you for sharing !

i reached out for support groups outside one to one theraphy and in Ireland the only support groups had a religious aspect to it teaching me god will "forgive" me . I don't need forgiveness and I don't need god . The judgment and shame is awful ! I'm strongly thinking of setting up a peer to peer support group in Ireland for women who want to share with other women about the affects it's had and for support . I just need to figure out how to it ethically and respectfully. Really sad we have no place to mourn. My therapist told me " no woman choses to have an abortion" she is so right. There are so many factors surrounding the decision and for me it was the most painful horrific decision I ever made . The das wanted no involvement and wouldn't support me financially either ! But that's not even spoke about . All the weight falls on women .

I hope your okay all the ladies on the thread and sending everyone love grace and empathy xxx 🩷🩷🩷

Update.

I had my appointment yesterday. I was scanned and thankfully, really, early between 5 and 6 weeks. No surprise, really, but there are twins again. The thought of another set of twins and jumping from 4 to 6 made me instantly feel OK with the decision to terminate. My existing twins would only be 18 months old if I continued, and I just know it would be too much for our family.

I was able to bring the pills home to begin the process this evening. But I have woken up today with an overwhelming sense of sadness, questioning if I could make it work. Deep down, I know I can't. The car and bedroom situation in itself is too difficult.

I am hoping I'll feel stronger this evening when the time comes. I wish things were different.

Hey @CJones11 thanks for the update - I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re getting on.

Wow that must have been a lot of information to process yesterday. 4 under 2 is really difficult timing

Are your dates earlier than expected? That’s really good news that you’re so early still though.

If you’re feeling doubt this morning I wouldn’t rush into it this evening. I know it feels like you’ve waited weeks but you’ve only had all the information since yesterday and you’ve barely had time to process that. It’s a totally legitimate and often right choice to make but it’s also irreversible - a day or 2 won’t make a difference if there’s any doubt & to protect your headspace you need to have fully explored every avenue. Dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s on your reasoning and what is and isn’t possible. If it’s the right decision for you it will help you in the long run knowing you’ve done that and if it’s not the right decision for you you’ll be able to explore that fully.

Hey @CJones11 - how are you doing?