Planned third and now unsure

[iverunoutofinspiration]

I’ll keep this brief - I have two children and my husband and I planned a third and fell pregnant first month of trying. Now I’m petrified. We worked out finances etc before we started trying and I had a rose tinted view of everything and now the reality is here I don’t actually want to pull my children out of private school, have fewer experiences and sacrifice their quality of life. I am also worried about the baby having additional needs and that really changing our family dynamic..

Did anyone else feel like this and terminate and feel at ease with the choice? I’m 6 weeks and have my pills arriving in the post so do have some time to decide but I am so 50/50. On one hand I think we’ll cope - maybe we send this baby private after infant school? - and the other I think I need to prioritise my living family. Help…

I’ve been there. Planned and then when we fell pregnant quickly panic set in. I’m not saying it is the same for you but for me I was reacting really extremely to the hormones and peri natal anxiety was setting in full force. I was a wreck in the aftermath as I hadn’t been in my right mind. Take your time deciding what to do. I know I’m not the positive story you were hoping for but thought I’d chip in. Happy to chat if you want to.

@Poster57thanks for your perspective. Did you not go ahead with it? Do you feel in the long run it has been better for your other children?

When I fell pregnant with my third, I was anything but happy. Considered termination way up until 16 weeks. I worried about everything and felt sure I'd made a terrible mistake in getting pregnant.

I am so, so happy that I didn't terminate. Some things are a bit harder yes, but he makes up for all of it. His siblings adore him and he's generally a joy.

I think pregnancy gives a lot of space for the 'what if' thoughts to take over. The idea of a baby and all the negative things that it can mean are different to the reality. Yes I'm a bit more tired, yes we have to think about money a bit more... But none of it is that bad. Certainly nothing close whatsoever to how I catastrophised things during my pregnancy.

It sounds like you've just found out and there's an element of panic. If you want to abort then that's your right and you're not doing anything wrong, but you do need to go into it with your eyes open that it does create grief (for some this is a small thing and for others it can be devastating) and it doesn't make the pregnancy never have happened. Really take your time to let it all sink in and talk to those you know in real life too.

Also keep in mind you are far more likely to have a healthy baby than one with issues, so try not to have that as a big thing. Unless of course there's something already there in your family.

I didn’t go ahead with the pregnancy. The hormone levels returned to normal and I was devastated. The realisation of how very very unwell I was didn’t come until after and sadly neither did the help from health professionals that was crying out for at the time. The hormonal reaction hit me out of nowhere. This was Jan 2024. I’ve had a lot of help since. In answer to your second question - I’m sitting here with my 6 week old baby. She’s amazing and my other kids adore her. Life is good. How my brain could have been hijacked to the extent that I was so sure a 3rd was such a threat to my existing children is beyond me but I was very unwell at the time. Pregnancy was hard as my mind was still fighting against me at times but I was expecting it this time, I understood this time and I also had medication. Thank goodness I eventually got a GP who understood as without her my family wouldn’t be complete ☺️

@Poster57oh wow!! Congratulations! Did you have the same thoughts this time around but just leant into them and acknowledge them for what they were and knew they would pass?

@ByDreamyMintNewtthank you for your response. The rational part of me knows we will cope but the other part of me feels so guilty for taking away from my existing children and I wonder if I owe them more than coping? It’s such a difficult decision. I’m 6 weeks so have some time to decide but my pills through the post arrived today and are staring at me

@iverunoutofinspiration yes. Not the same strength of thoughts but they were there and I’m not saying it was easy but I knew it was my mind trying to protect me from a threat that wasn’t there this time.

Honestly I was utterly convinced I’d ruined my kids’ lives in the pregnancy that ended. They’re my everything and I think when you’ve got it so good your brain can convince you that anything is a threat to your perfect wee family unit. I was even convinced that I couldn’t keep them all safe. It was all intrusive thoughts blown way out of proportion though.

I’ve heard stories of other women and it frequently seems to be the 3rd child that these thoughts surface with. I suspect there’s some psychology around that

@iverunoutofinspiration your capacity as a parent will expand..I'm sure you will all do more than cope. What do you envision your life looking like on 5, 10, 15 years?

Ultimately you know yourself and your life best. Whatever you do then commit to it and don't allow yourself to look back. Plenty of women have terminations and happily move on, but it's not the case for everyone so just take your time and make sure you're certain.

mine was a different situation where it felt wrong physically and they checked for ectopic and was told it was in the wrong place and it was dangerous and would need to be removed. I struggle with my decision as now I think it may have turned ok. How are you getting on with your decision?

@Clangershomeim so sorry you went through that. That must have been so difficult.
I am not anywhere near decided yet but have given myself a deadline of Sunday as I think that the being in limbo and having time on my side is not helping. I flip flop between the two options and I know all the pros and cons I just don’t have a strong sense either way of what I want to do.

@ByDreamyMintNewti do see us having a big family but I don’t know if that’s because I had that. I want to give my children all of the opportunities and worry I am taking away from them. But I also want a baby. I’m so unsure

Yes I am finding it difficult to come to terms with my situation but I am think I am getting there and beginning to make some peace with it. Good luck with your decision, it must be difficult not having a strong sense of which way to go. Xx

Obviously I don't know you, but from this it doesn't sound like you really want an abortion, it sounds more like anxiety. A sibling is also giving your child a potential extra life long relationship, there are positives to it too.

I'm not trying to sway you because as I said I don't know you in real life, and there are plenty of women who have terminations, but I would very much encourage you to think carefully and try to be optimistic alongside your worries.

If you had an ectopic pregnancy then they absolutely had to do it or neither you or the embryo could have survived. I had an ectopic and had to have a tube removed so I know it's a tough time, but you mustn't carry any guilt for it.

@iverunoutofinspiration I’ve got to say I agree with @ByDreamyMintNewt from someone who doesn’t know you, you don’t sound like you want an abortion. Anxiety can be extremely convincing. I think you’re right to take your time it’s an extremely big decision.

@iverunoutofinspiration I understand how you're feeling, I think it's normal to second-guess yourself before a big life change. It sounds like you and your husband both agreed that you wanted another child, how does he feel about your being unsure now? This world is so unsteady that it's normal to question whether we are doing the right thing at all times. But if we let anxiety take over, we will miss out on the good things in life too. I would not trade my little sister for all the holidays, clothes, and restaurant meals in the world. I hope you don't let fear make this huge decision for you, if the things you are afraid of can be dealt with. Trust the you that decided that there was money and room in your home for another child. All my best to you.

Have you made any decisions?

@Clangershomei decided to not progress. I did some serious soul searching and just knew I had to prioritise the children I do have now. I feel really really guilty and really quite sad but know it was the right choice x

Hi OP,

I’m in the exact same situation as you. We sort of planned a 3rd but weren’t completely sure. We said we would try for 6 months and if it doesn’t happen then we’re happy with the 2 we have. Towards the end of the 6 months period we were feeling more and more like this wasn’t right for us and we should stick with 2. It was our last cycle trying when it happened and now all I feel is deep regret. I look at my children and feel so sad that we won’t be able to offer them as much financially. I don’t think I could ever go ahead with a termination of a healthy baby, I just wish it had never happened. I’m sort of hoping that I will miscarry (I’m only 6 weeks). My husband is excited so I do feel bad for feeling how I feel. If the pregnancy does progress, I hope I will feel better about it all once the baby is here.

Have you already started the progress you mean? Message me if you need to chat

@Clangershomeas in yes I have started the process. I had a mild panic but am feeling resolute on why we did this. Doesn’t take away from it making me so so sad however x

Thinking of you @iverunoutofinspiration

Good luck and message me if you need like I said