Abortion @ 22 weeks

[difficultchoicem]

I'm really struggling with a decision here.

I have an appointment booked with the hospital next week for the pre-assessment and the 1st appointment to prepare for the surgical abortion.

I am financially strapped. And originally baby's father was going to help out, he has now made it clear he won't.

The information hospital has provided me with has detailed every step, which includes the likelihood (given my gestation) of foeticide. I didn't know about this before and only when she mentioned it on the phone and in the information they provided for me to read over.

That's the main issue I'm struggling with. I think if they hadn't mentioned that I wouldn't be dwelling on the morality of this. Has anyone been through this?

I already regret not dealing with this much earlier on, but things have changed dramatically.

I'm confused. Isn't the whole point feticide? They have to kill the fetus on the inside because babies of that gestation would otherwise be born alive and have a chance of survival.

Bring given the information on how they do it has probably brought it home to you what it actually means.

Honestly, given this is in the ethical dilemma section, I wouldn't at this sort of gestation. Baby is basically developed, but just needs to grow. Your ex is still liable for child maintenance, and finances cam change. This is irreversible. Or given you are basically at viability, you could consider adoption. That way, the ethics are somewhat bypassed as baby survives but you dont have to financially struggle.

Did you have your 20 week scan? How bonded do you feel to baby? Whilst at 6w, its arguable that it's fairer not to being a baby into the world where mum will financially struggle, I'm not sure that's the same at viability, where the baby will have some awareness of what is happening.

OP, honestly, in your position, I wouldn't go through with it. I work with women post-abortively (which admittedly skews my perception, because the ones who don't need support afterwards don't come to me) and the ones who really struggle afterwards are the ones who weren't 100% sure of the morality of it, who felt pressured into it by people or circumstances, and/or who abort later in the pregnancy and have to deliver a fully-formed baby. I imagine the information you will have received from the hospital will have mentioned something like "low level feelings of sadness" as a risk following the procedure, but I see women who are still having vivid nightmares years later, who can't bring themselves to hold other babies in their family, who have developed eating disorders or PTSD.
The reality of a second-trimester abortion is that you will have to labour and will deliver a baby that looks like a perfectly-formed baby. If you don't want to see it, the midwives that deliver it will do their utmost to make sure you don't, but it's not always possible to prevent the woman catching a glimpse anyway. If you do choose to see or hold the baby, the injection site from the feticide will be visible as a tiny hole.
I would really encourage you to explore other options, for your own mental health. As PP have said, the dad can't just opt out of supporting you. Alternatively, there are many, many couples who would love to adopt your baby and give it a loving home.

Also, bear in mind that there is some financial help out there. Those on low incomes can get a lot of subsidies on childcare etc. There are clothing exchanges, toy swaps, a thriving second hand market in baby/toddler things etc, which mean things can be done on a budget, to an extent at least.

Hi OP. I don't have any advice. I had an abortion but it was at 9 weeks so I can't imagine how you're feeling this late on.

I think it's disgusting that a man can put a woman in this awful position. Please use the counsellors as they're there to help & don't make any decisions that you aren't sure of.

You must be feeling so torn & I'm sorry. I hope you decide whatever is best for you.

Your need to post is 100% indicative of your need for professional counseling.

Do YOU want the baby?
This is a really tough decision to make OP especially so late on in your pregnancy, but if you have wanted the baby this whole time and have feelings of love towards it, don't let your financial situation be the sole reason you abort this baby. Like PP's have said there is financial help out there. Do you have family to support you?

Why would it ever have been live? 🙁 do you mean you have to give birth as opposed to surgery? This all sounds very traumatic, I’m sorry.

I also think you need to see a therapist.

It was a wanted baby initially. Then ex pulled back on support and started trying to pressure you.

I support abortion at your stage of gestation, but you need to be 100% clear what is involved and decide you are making the right choice for the right reasons.

You sound like you're in a tailspin because of ex's behaviour - this is your choice, not his. He doesn't even need to know if you have the baby, unless you want to claim cms.

You need to talk it through properly with someone.

Really, whenever you have a baby there's a chance the man will run out on you - at any point in pregnancy or childhood. Disappointing but I wouldn't base a decision to go ahead on the support of a man only. Because to be honest, they could run out on you at any time.

Sorry you're going through this op.

I think counselling before would be a benefit to you. I know you said you don't need it, but this is a huge huge decision which could impact the rest of your life. Either way.

I would also strongly consider putting the baby up for adoption.

As a stranger on the internet, I fully support you in your choice to elect to have a termination. No caveats, no judgement, I believe fully in your choice.

However, because you are not sure and you are asking strangers on the internet, I do think you would benefit from seeking further support and counselling. It's fine to change your mind if you want to. It's fine to go ahead. Yes, it's hard but shit happens and you have options. Only you know which choice is right for you.

And I mean choice for YOU. Not choice as expected by society, by your ex, by internet people, your new employers etc.

It would be live because at 22 weeks babies are born breathing and the parents have a choice whether to save them. (After 24 weeks there is a legal
requirement to resuscitate, before then it’s a joint decision between parents and neonatologists)
So terminations at this gestation involve a potassium injection through the mums abdomen into the babies heart to kill the baby. Then the labour would be induced with medication.

In every sense of the word. Said he's going to make it difficult and that I need to not have it. He won't be present, help raise or provide support in every way.
^
He does n't get much choice tbh. You can go through cms regardless. This is about you and how you can cope, either way. A counsellor can talk you through options and your feelings.^

Lots and lots of ways for men to wriggle out of this if they are self-employed.

OP I have no answer. The injection is, as you say, because technically the baby could be born alive. But a baby at 22/40 has no chance of survival. A baby at 23/40 has a tiny chance of healthy survival - most born at that age have lifelong disabilities. So your baby is not currently really 'viable', it's just a legal distinction.

Good luck with your decision and ignore those questioning what you've been doing up til now.

Do what is best for you op.
I can tell you now that no matter what anyone on here says- men do not have to support their children.
He has told you he will not be involved. Your child will never know him or form a bond with him.
Do you seriously think the CMS ( sorry I’m not even sure if this is the correct name) would exist if the majority of absent fathers willingly supported their child?
I can tell you will absolute confidence that if a man wants to make life financially hard for you then he will.
For a start all he has to do is shack up with someone who already has children and your maintenance is cut.
He can leave his job.
This government do not care if he pays maintenance or not, it’s not like paying income tax!
Having said that there must be a reason as to why you have left this so late.
You obviously wanted to keep the child.
Mothers do look after their children single handedly. It’s not easy but women do manage.

22 week babies do have a chance of survival, they can be actively resuscitated if the parents choose. Yes the chance of disability and death is very very high. But they can survive

Oh you poor love, I just want to send you a big hug, what an awful situation you are in.

You say things have changed dramatically, and clearly they have. BUT have the changes made you feel differently about being pregnant, or are you, understandably reacting to your ex's cruel statements and thinking that you can't go through with this without his support?

If YOU feel differently about having a baby that's one thing, and you must do what you need to do (no judgement at all). But if you are confused and hurt and frightened because of his actions, then is it possible to accept that no, things won't be the way you had hoped they would be, but that they could still be ok, without him?

That's not quite true about 22 weeks any more. It's a low chance, and there will often not be intervention to try, but babies have survived at that gestation. A quick Google says 10-20% chance of survival at 22 weeks, around 50% at 23 weeks, so absolutely not. Edited to add, BMJ stats for 22w babies in Enfland and Wales show survival to discharge rate of 28%!

The picture isn't anywhere near as bleak with disabilities either, with significant.

The world record at present is 21w 1d.

I really feel for you OP. In this situation you just need to listen to yourself and make whichever decision you think is best for you. Nobody here is able to judge you because they don't know what you are going through. Get all the info you need and speak to someone in confidence for as long as you need. Whatever you decide to do will be right for you. Take care of yourself x

The chance of life with no disability at this gestation is almost zero

He can work cash in hand though. I know of a few men who do this. Either work self-employed and don't declare all their earnings or work on the side. From the sounds of him ot absolutely sounds like something he'd do to avoid paying child support.

Same.
Op I knew someone who had a very late termination for what sounds like very similar reasons. It totally destroyed her mental health. She was a few weeks further along than you, (at the time abortion was legal up to 28 weeks), and the process was very traumatic. At this stage you are aborting a baby that could possibly live, it isn’t anything like an early termination. I have many friends who have had abortions under 12 weeks and while often upsetting they have all coped. This is a different situation and I wouldn’t underestimate how distressing that could be for you. In your situation so late in pregnancy if I really didn’t want the baby I would think of adoption. That also gives you the option of bringing up the baby yourself if you change your mind.