Pregnant again but I’m heartbroken

[Firsttmum]

Just wanting to find some guidance and support. I currently have a lovely almost 2 year old girl, she was planned. My fiancé and I own a two bedroom house which is just the right size for the three of us and aren’t financially able to move into a bigger place yet. I have just been promoted at work to cover for maternity leave.

my partner and I have had talks about having another child and both weren’t sure we wanted one but definitely knew we couldn’t afford one right now. My first girl was really unhappy as a baby and it took a toll on our mental health and relationship.

as well as this, we solely rely on grandparents for childcare. My partners mum is getting older now and finding it more difficult to look after my daughter.

yesterday I found out I’m pregnant again. I’m absolutely heartbroken and am in two heads about what to do. My partner being the more pragmatic one said he would support whatever I wanted to do but I know he wants me to terminate it. I know the most sensible thing for us right now would be to terminate but the thought of it makes me sob. Having my daughter has highlighted to me what potential this pregnancy has. It would be helpful to get advice and support from people who’ve experienced similar. Thank you

It isn’t something I could do.

However, you also need to consider that this baby may have health needs that dramatically change your life. You are imagining a lovely DD take 2. That may not be your experience and it’s wise to remember that before you start.

I do feel for you- it’s an awful situation. I tend to imagine- what would I feel if… for lots of scenarios. After lots of that I have a better idea how I feel.

Get some independent advice get a referral. Ultimately this is your decision and not anyone else’s.

No one can tell you what to do as it is such a personal decision.
I'm sure you have already considered how having another may potentially affect your financial and family dynamic.
Whatever the decision, it is not a wrong one. Wishing you the best

No advice to give; as others have said no one can tell you what’s best for you, only you can decide.

I was in a similar position with my DS. Circumstances were far from ideal. In my case I explored what all the positives and negatives looked like. For most of the negatives on my list of having him, I could come up with a way around it, or at least a “okay, things with be tight until x, but I can get through that period until x happens”. The one thing I couldn’t find a way around was if he had complex special needs, but fortunately he didn’t. But if I hadn’t been able to do that, would I have made a different decision? Probably.

You have to decide what’s best for you in your circumstances and to make a decision that you can live with. That’s why you need to tune out even your husband’s preferences. It’s not HIS body to subject to a termination or a pregnancy, it’s yours.

Wishing you all the best OP.

From your OP, neither of you particularly want another kid, you cannot afford one, and don't have any childcare.
Are you financially/housing vulnerable by being unmarried?
Can your boyfriend get a vasectomy?
(No need to answer, just stuff to consider)

I know the most sensible thing for us right now would be to terminate but the thought of it makes me sob

Then don’t do it. It sounds like you’re telling yourself that a termination is the right thing to do - but it’s definitely not the right thing if you don’t want to do it.

Speaking as someone who’s also prone to think “What should I do” rather than “What do I want to do”, I urge you to forget what you think you should do, what your partner wants, and all the supposed problems that you’re conjuring up, and do what you want to do. Babies rarely appear at exactly the right time and if you wait for ‘the perfect time’ you’ll find it never comes.

If your DD is 2, then this potential baby would be a good sibling gap for her too.

If the thought of termination makes you sob it's your body telling you that you don't want to terminate

If the thought of terminating makes you sob (your words) then you might end up resenting your fiance if you terminate. You say that grandparents are old (I assume they all are if they don't work and they provide childcare), does that mean you and your fiancé are older parents?

The two bed house wouldn't be an issue as baby would stay with you and the small age gap would mean that both children sharing a room wouldn't be a big issue (unless they're the opposite sex and they're higher up in primary school). You could get 15 hour (and then 30 hours) funded hours for your daughter so you don't need to completely rely on grandparents.

Ultimately only you can balance this decision for yourself.
But to share a bit of our experience, we managed okay/well in a 2 bedroomed place with 2. We started to look to move when #2 was about 15 months old, then covid hit and once back on the market it was a difficult sell, so we moved just before he was 4 years old.
Lots was difficult at times, but none of it really related to number of bedrooms and finances.
It's 18 months now since we lived to a 3 bed and some bits of life are easier with a bit more upstairs space and a more usable garden. But it isn't everything.
Our #2 was very much planned for though after a long journey getting #1.

Two small kids can share a room for years. However you can't expect your MIL to care for two children under 4. What's your work situation and can you fund paid childcare if you have another one?
it's all very well saying you'll sob if you terminate but you have to be able to provide for your child/ren. Is it possible? If not, you can't hold your partner solely responsible for that.

Resentment can go both ways though....

Sorry quoted wrong person!

From what you have written (you are not sure you want another, you are not in a financial position to do so anyway, you are just getting back to work, and child care may also be a problem. Plus, the first pregnancy took a toll on your mental health and relationship) there are only negatives and no positives to carrying out this pregnancy.

And, as was mentioned above, how would you cope if the child had major health/SN issues.

I am pragmatic, so if I were in your situation I would terminate.

Just offering a different perspective but I’ve had a termination, I cried so hard during it but I don’t regret it. It was the right decision for everyone: my DH, my existing kids, myself.

How old are you? I'm only asking because of time you might have left.

Hi OP, I had a termination last year I have 2 children and although it was sad and a horrible thing to go through I was 100% sure on my choice and don't regret it.

Hope you make the decision that is best for you big hugs!

Thank you all for your responses. Im 28 years old so know I’ve got time to have another.

My partner and I have had a long discussion and worked out the financial side of things. Unfortunately keeping it is not a viable option for us right now so I’ve booked a consultation at the clinic to terminate.

It’s a really difficult decision to make but im sure it’ll be the right decision for our family.

Best of luck hen, sending hugs x

Big hugs! I had the pills delivered to my home I'm not sure if that's an option for you but I was alot more relaxed that way and had all my home comforts x

I know you've updated but if by any chance it's your partner pressurising you into this then just remember, it's your body and if you don't want a termination don't have it.

There will be ways to make it work financially.

Your promotion at work is a temporary situation to cover a mat leave. It will end with the return of the current post holder. If her baby is already here she'll be back around the time you'd be ready to have your baby. At my workplace most people don't take the full year. They take between 6 and 9 months to avoid being without pay. You wouldn't necessarily have to take a full year off either, and even things like KIT days bring in extra money when your paid leave runs out.

If your daughter is two now she will be close to three or three already when baby would arrive. You could look after both on Mat leave, reducing childcare costs and on your return she'd be eligible for free hours. A baby would most likely be easier for grandma to cope with than a 3 year old.
If you use your free childcare hours carefully, as well as annual leave, parental leave (that includes DP too) grandma won't need to look after two kids. Childminders can be a cheaper option than nursery too so look into that.

Babies don't cost much in the early stages, especially if you're able to breastfeed. Second hand cloth nappies can also save costs. Hopefully you'd still have equipment left from your daughter and some hand me downs too but there are also charities and baby banks which give out free baby clothes and equipment.

Children can share a bedroom. A baby could co sleep in a next to me type cot initially then move into the same room as sibling. Even at 6 I've known opposite gender kids to still be sharing, usually in bunk beds.

There will be ways around it financially and it's also easier to take the career hit now when you already have a 2 year old and are in toddler stage then be going through it all again in your 30s.

Anyway, that's just in case you aren't sure and there's pressure from your partner. I'm only saying it because from my own experience, abortion regret is a real thing and there's very much a "if I could turn back the clock" feeling.

I totally agree with this;

Speaking as someone who’s also prone to think “What should I do” rather than “What do I wantto do”, I urge you to forget what you think you should do, what your partner wants, and all the supposed problems that you’re conjuring up, and do what you want to do. Babies rarely appear at exactly the right time and if you wait for ‘the perfect time’ you’ll find it never comes.

If your DD is 2, then this potential baby would be a good sibling gap for her too.

Whatever you go on to do OP, I wish you and your family all the best for your futures. It seems like you are putting all your thought into this and doing your absolute best.

Is that really helpful when she's already said she's discussed it with her partner and financially they can't afford it?
Not every financial problem can be overcome by sheer willpower.

This is a ridiculous suggestion. Birthing and giving up a baby will be significantly more traumatising than terminating a pregnancy in the early stages.

No one can tell you what to do, but if you want another child in the future then I'd be trying to find a way to make it work.....

Some people have different definitions of "discussed it with my partner". She'd already said in her first post he wanted her to have an abortion.

I'm only giving her the advice I wish someone had given me, even on the day. It's not pie in the sky financial advice.

Please respect the OP's decision!!

Further "you could do blah blah blah" is NOT needed.