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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Positive pregnancy test but don't know if I can keep it

27 replies

winolo · 18/02/2024 08:29

Hi everyone, please be gentle on me because I feel awful.

Im 26 and have just found out that I'm pregnant.

I know that I do want to become a mother one day, but not sure if im ready right now. I still live at home with my parents and my partner lives here with us too while we save for a house deposit.

I don't know if I am ready for my life to change right now and really don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm even looking for on this thread, but maybe some experiences of those who have gone through this?

I feel so stressed, I also feel so guilty because I know that there are people who are unable to have children / struggle so that makes me feel as though I should be happy Sad

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 18/02/2024 08:32

I wanted all of my children, but there were still doubts/fears when I got that positive pregnancy test. It passed. Don’t do anything you might regret, take time to think.

PennyPugwash · 18/02/2024 08:32

So sorry to read this. I hope you will be okay.
It's your choice and I'm sure you'll make the right one. Have you told your partner? If so, what are his thoughts?

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 08:35

Thank you so much both for your kind words.

I have told my partner, he is a bit more positive about it than me and has said that it is my choice and that he will support me no matter what.

I just don't know what's for the best

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DustyLee123 · 18/02/2024 08:36

How do you think your parents might feel if you were still living with them when the baby was born?

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 08:37

@DustyLee123 I know that they would support me, but I wouldn't want to put them through that.

We are looking at houses so may not even be here by then anyways. It just feels quite lonely at the moment and such a big change

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Echobelly · 18/02/2024 08:37

You don't have to see a pregnancy through just because other people never have that opportunity, similarly you don't have to terminate just because the timing is awkward. You need to talk to partner and parents and see what impact having a child now will have on your living arrangements and that should help you decide whether now is the time. Wishing you all the best whatever decision you make.

DustyLee123 · 18/02/2024 08:40

Having a baby is a big change, it changes your life, but hopefully in a positive way. You have a supportive partner, and most probably supportive parents, that’s very positive.

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 08:43

@Echobelly thank you for your wise words, you are right and if it was a friend in my position I would say the same thing to them.

I wasn't expecting this it's the most difficult situation I think that I have ever been in.

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Ems1992 · 18/02/2024 08:44

If you don’t feel ready, you don’t feel ready. You have to do what is right for you. Could you give a baby the life you want it to have? Are you able to try again when you are ready?

Mumsnet sometimes isn’t the best place to discuss termination, a lot will say you will regret it… ultimately it is you, your life, your career, your house, your relationship. You have youth on your side!
Good luck whatever you choose x

Ems1992 · 18/02/2024 08:46

I will also add I found myself pregnant 2 weeks before starting a new job, whilst saving for a mortgage with my husband. I wouldn’t have got anything but maternity allowance, we wouldn’t have been able to buy a house, or continue at work to enable any sort of promotion. We terminated due to this, despite knowing we wanted a baby in the future. 2 years later, we are pregnant and have everything ready in place.

MummyJ36 · 18/02/2024 08:46

This is a very personal decision OP and one only you can make. However if you are close to your parents I would consider telling them. It will likely feel lonely because you are living in their house but keeping this big secret.

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 08:48

@Ems1992 thank you so much for your comment.

I have a stable job and a very supportive partner / family, so I think that id be able to give the baby the life I want.

I just don't know if I'm ready to make sacrifices yet (as selfish as that sounds), I enjoy going out with my friends, going on holidays, sleeping in on weekends. I don't know if I would regret it if I decided to go ahead it's hard x

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Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 08:56

@MummyJ36 thank you, yes I am going to tell them at some point today. I can't bring myself to say it right now but I know that it'll really help x

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JuniperandI · 18/02/2024 09:09

Hi OP,

I understand you're in a difficult position however this is a conception board full of women who are struggling to get pregnant in the first place. Can you post it on the pregnancy board instead?

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 09:15

@JuniperandI oh my gosh I am so sorry I didn't realise! Do you know how I can move this please? I really don't want to seem insensitive or offend anyone, thanks for letting me know x

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AimeeLou84 · 18/02/2024 12:25

Hey OP. I’m not in the same position as you as such. I’m 40 in August and me and my partner have our own house. However I fell pregnant in November totally unexpected and we weren’t trying. We were being careful with protection etc. I immediately decided I would be keeping the baby. My reason was that I had an abortion about 11 years ago because at the time I was 27 and like you, I was with my partner but we didn’t own a property and were renting. I didn’t think I was ready to become a mum that young and I’d only been with my partner 8 months or so.
I think what I’m trying to say is there is no right or wrong decision here. Don’t feel guilty if you terminate, it’s about you and how you can cope. My thinking was that my baby at the time would not have had the best I could provide, now I can give them everything. Take time to make your decision, it sounds like your partner is very supportive. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 12:39

@AimeeLou84 firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! thank you so much for sharing your own experience, it's weirdly comforting to hear about those who have been in my position.

I can relate a lot to what you have said, I could definitely provide for a child not but probably not to the extent that I would like to.

I'd like to have my own house, go on more holidays, spend time with my friends before having such a big commitment. It's difficult when your actually in the position isn't it

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AimeeLou84 · 18/02/2024 13:04

@winolo It is difficult because you haven’t really enjoyed your life yet and my thinking was in 10 years time if I want to have kids, I can provide. I’d have enjoyed my life and grown as a person with my partner. I do still think about my abortion now and of course I feel guilty but I know that it was the right decision at the time. Whatever decision you make, you’ll feel torn either way. Weigh out the pros and cons. Sit down with your partner and discuss what you want.

netherworld · 18/02/2024 15:04

I would second the advice of pp's to talk to your parents. I was 20, living at home & had just finished college - & no longer with the father - when I had a termination, years ago. In my heart I wanted to keep it, but was too afraid to tell my dad, which in hindsight I now see I should have done. I have regretted my decision ever since, and though I now have 3 DC there will always be one missing.
I would say you need to be certain that whatever you decide to do it is your own decision. Though I regret what I did, I have friends who don't regret theirs and think they did the right thing for them at the time.

mnlkjpo24 · 18/02/2024 17:13

Hi OP,

I think it's really important to remember that your instincts and feelings in this situation matter and are totally valid. You are not selfish, you sound sensible. Like others have said, you're still young.

Can you talk to your partner about the thoughts you're having in total honesty and get everything out on the table? This is a difficult decision to make but requires a lot of thought and as much time as you need to make it.

Don't be hard on yourself, take each day as it comes and let your thoughts come and go. It is your decision no matter what, you will make the right one in the end.

Good luck x

Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 17:28

@netherworld thank you for sharing your experience, that can't have been easy for you especially if you didn't know it it was the right thing.

I hope you are doing ok now x

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Original poster
winolo · 18/02/2024 17:30

@mnlkjpo24 thank you so much for your lovely comment, it really means a lot.

We have spoken about it, and his feelings are that it's my decision but I can tell that he would like me to continue with the pregnancy and he keeps saying that it'll be fine and we would manage etc.

Very difficult decision but it's very early days so I know that I have time, although of course if I decide to terminate the pregnancy I would rather do it sooner rather than later x

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theprincessthepea · 18/02/2024 18:24

It is definitely your choice. I agree with the PP.

I am someone who has been on both ends. I had my first at 20 and debated a termination but something inside me just didn’t want to go through with it. I was living at home and worked. However my family were so supportive and although it wasn’t an ideal circumstance I have given my daughter the best I could, we are close a decade later and I just had to buckle down and get to work. I don’t regret the sacrifices (although life was significantly different!). I took her everywhere with me and have enjoyed motherhood and my 20s.

At 26 I became pregnant and terminated. Despite having my own place then it all just didn’t feel right. Deep down I didn’t want to continue the pregnancy. I was with the dad for a short while (he told me it was my choice although I knew he wanted to keep it - but he allowed me to do what was right for me). Years later I know I made the right choice for me. It took me a while to recover emotionally but I managed to live the life I wanted to. Now I have zero regrets but like most of life’s milestones it’s a thought that pops up.

The thing that underlined both decisions was a mix of gut feeling, having minimal pressure, thinking about what it means for me and those around me and coming to peace with whatever the outcome would be. Most importantly it being my choice.

It’s a very hard decision - but whatever decision you make will be the right one and you are lucky to have a support network of people that are there for you regardless of the path you choose x

netherworld · 18/02/2024 19:12

winolo · 18/02/2024 17:28

@netherworld thank you for sharing your experience, that can't have been easy for you especially if you didn't know it it was the right thing.

I hope you are doing ok now x

Thank you x. I have learned to live with it I suppose, though anniversaries are difficult.

Definitely listen to your own feelings and your own voice. My mistake was trying to do what I thought wouldn't upset other people, and not what I wanted to do.

Original poster
winolo · 19/02/2024 09:11

@theprincessthepea thank you for sharing this, it's interesting to see a post with it the other way around.

It's lovely that you and your daughter have grown up together in a sense, I haven't met anybody who has chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy and regretted it (there must be some out there) but from my friends everyone who has had a child young and been unsure has said it's the best thing that they have ever done.

Another thing which is making it difficult is that I haven't been on contraception for over a year due to medical reasons, I haven't fallen pregnant in all of this time so it's got me thinking what if it's my only chance?

Sounds silly but a lot of thoughts are running through my mind x

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